With many problems of transport and accommodation in cities, some governments are encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent decades, the issues of accommodation and traffic transport have become increasingly common in many downtown areas making some governors have to propose a new policy. While many people argue that a large of enterprises should be encouraged to move to the outskirts, I believe that this development has more benefits than drawbacks, and in this way, I would prove my perspective on this matter.
On the one hand, numerous detrimental effects arising from the policy of encouraging firms to move to out of metropolitan.The wave of urban-rural business relocation may leave a number of employees living in the cities on the verge of unemployment, except when they accept to commute a far-flung distance. This unnecessary emission could increase the carbon footprint and trap-heating emissions, which are one of the reasons for global warming. According to Vietnam's population survey in 2023, several rural populations moved to cities with the desire to have an opportunity to earn money expenses for their lives, constituting 30% of the total population. Thereby, relating Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City are the biggest cities with large workforces, they also ranked highest for air pollution in the first 6 months of 2024.
On the other hand, I believe that there are some benefits associated with the advent of this proposal outweigh above mentioned disadvantages.This can be explained that once businesses are relocated to rural areas, their employees would not look for accommodation in urban cities,thus, the shortage of living in the urban cities could be decreased. Moreover, the declining of emissions released by private transports, which can cause some severe diseases for human, such as heart disease,and cancer.

In conclusion, despite some drawbacks of this phenomenon, I aslo believe that business would gain more beneficial affects once move to outskirts due to the lower spending to accommodation and the decrease of traffic transport.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"making some governors have to propose a new policy" -> "prompting some governors to propose new policies"
Explanation: The phrase "making some governors have to propose a new policy" is awkward and unclear. "Prompting some governors to propose new policies" is more direct and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"a large of enterprises" -> "a large number of enterprises"
Explanation: "A large of enterprises" is grammatically incorrect. "A large number of enterprises" is the correct phrase, which is both grammatically sound and formally appropriate.
"in this way, I would prove my perspective" -> "I will demonstrate my perspective"
Explanation: "In this way, I would prove my perspective" is somewhat informal and vague. "I will demonstrate my perspective" is more assertive and academically suitable.
"numerous detrimental effects arising from the policy of encouraging firms to move to out of metropolitan" -> "numerous detrimental effects resulting from the policy of relocating firms out of metropolitan areas"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the preposition and adds clarity to the meaning.
"a far-flung distance" -> "a considerable distance"
Explanation: "A far-flung distance" is an idiom that may be considered too informal for academic writing. "A considerable distance" is more precise and formal.
"trap-heating emissions" -> "heat-trapping emissions"
Explanation: "Trap-heating emissions" is a typographical error. "Heat-trapping emissions" is the correct term, referring to greenhouse gases that trap heat in the atmosphere.
"earn money expenses for their lives" -> "earn income to support their lives"
Explanation: "Earn money expenses for their lives" is awkward and unclear. "Earn income to support their lives" is more natural and precise.
"constituting 30% of the total population" -> "comprising 30% of the total population"
Explanation: "Constituting" is less commonly used in this context; "comprising" is more appropriate and clear.
"relating Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City" -> "specifically in Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City"
Explanation: "Relating" is incorrect in this context. "Specifically in" correctly indicates the cities being discussed.
"the biggest cities with large workforces" -> "the cities with the largest workforces"
Explanation: "The biggest cities with large workforces" is redundant. "The cities with the largest workforces" is more concise and formal.
"the advent of this proposal" -> "the implementation of this policy"
Explanation: "The advent of this proposal" is vague and less formal. "The implementation of this policy" is more specific and appropriate for an academic context.
"above mentioned disadvantages" -> "the aforementioned disadvantages"
Explanation: "Above mentioned" is less formal and slightly awkward. "The aforementioned" is the correct formal expression.
"I aslo believe" -> "I also believe"
Explanation: "Aslo" is a typographical error. "Also" is the correct spelling.
"business would gain more beneficial affects" -> "businesses would experience more benefits"
Explanation: "Beneficial affects" is incorrect; "benefits" is the correct noun form. "Businesses" should be plural to match the context.
"once move to outskirts" -> "when they move to the outskirts"
Explanation: "Once move to outskirts" is grammatically incorrect. "When they move to the outskirts" corrects the verb tense and adds clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging businesses to move to rural areas. The author acknowledges the potential negative impact on urban employees and the environmental consequences of increased commuting. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides. The mention of rural employees moving to cities is relevant but lacks clarity on how this ties into the overall argument about the advantages outweighing the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline both the advantages and disadvantages in separate paragraphs, ensuring that each point is fully developed. Providing more concrete examples or statistics to support claims about the benefits of relocation would also strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of relocating businesses to rural areas outweigh the disadvantages. However, the phrasing in some sections, such as "I would prove my perspective on this matter," could be more assertive and confident. The transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to reinforce the author’s stance.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for a more assertive tone when stating their position. Additionally, using transitional phrases to clearly indicate shifts from discussing disadvantages to advantages would help maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the potential for reduced urban housing shortages and decreased emissions. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the claim about reduced emissions is mentioned but not thoroughly explained or supported with data. The argument about urban unemployment is also introduced but could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Incorporating relevant statistics, studies, or real-world examples would enhance the credibility of the arguments and provide a stronger foundation for the claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of relocating businesses to rural areas. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, such as the mention of air pollution statistics without a clear connection to the main argument. The relevance of the statistics about urban migration could also be more explicitly tied back to the advantages or disadvantages being discussed.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument of the essay. When introducing statistics or examples, they should clearly explain how these relate to the advantages or disadvantages of the proposed policy. This will help maintain focus and strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and the strength of supporting evidence. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the disadvantages to the advantages is somewhat abrupt, which can confuse the reader. The introduction states a belief in the advantages but does not clearly outline the points that will be discussed, which would help in setting expectations for the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. Additionally, use transition phrases such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely" to signal shifts between discussing disadvantages and advantages. This will help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. However, some paragraphs could be more clearly defined. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the disadvantages but could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the potential unemployment issue and another on environmental concerns. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea or topic sentence. For instance, start the second body paragraph with a clear statement about the benefits of relocating businesses to rural areas. This will help the reader understand the focus of each paragraph and improve overall clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making it difficult to follow the argument. For example, phrases like "thereby" and "this can be explained that" could be replaced with more straightforward connectors to improve clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Consequently," and "As a result." This will not only enhance the flow of ideas but also improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one to maintain a smooth progression of thought.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially increasing the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "detrimental effects," "urban-rural business relocation," and "carbon footprint." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the term "move" is used multiple times without variation, which could detract from the overall lexical sophistication. Additionally, phrases like "the wave of urban-rural business relocation" could be expressed more succinctly or with synonyms to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "move," alternatives like "relocate," "transfer," or "shift" could be employed. Additionally, expanding the vocabulary related to the topic, such as using terms like "decentralization" or "rural development," would enhance the lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "a large of enterprises" is incorrect; it should be "a large number of enterprises." Similarly, "the shortage of living in the urban cities" is awkwardly phrased and could be better expressed as "the shortage of housing in urban areas." Furthermore, the phrase "except when they accept to commute a far-flung distance" is unclear and could be more directly stated as "unless they are willing to commute long distances."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Reviewing common phrases and collocations can help. For instance, instead of "accept to commute," using "are willing to commute" is more idiomatic. Additionally, careful proofreading for grammatical structures will help ensure that the vocabulary used conveys the intended meaning clearly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "governors" instead of "governments," "constituting" instead of "constitutes," and "aslo" instead of "also." These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that provide feedback on commonly misspelled words. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times, or reading it aloud, can help catch errors before submission. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words can also be beneficial for ongoing improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, focusing on expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling will help elevate the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For example, the use of "While many people argue that a large of enterprises should be encouraged to move to the outskirts, I believe that this development has more benefits than drawbacks" showcases a complex structure with a dependent clause. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions and lacks more varied complex sentences that could enhance the argument’s sophistication. Additionally, phrases like "the wave of urban-rural business relocation" and "the advent of this proposal" are somewhat formulaic and do not exhibit a high level of grammatical complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of saying "I believe that there are some benefits associated with the advent of this proposal outweigh above mentioned disadvantages," the writer could rephrase it to "Although the disadvantages of this proposal are significant, I believe that the benefits, such as reduced urban congestion and improved quality of life in rural areas, outweigh them." Engaging with different sentence starters and varying the length of sentences can also contribute to a more dynamic writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "making some governors have to propose a new policy" is awkwardly constructed and should be revised for clarity. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences (e.g., "the declining of emissions released by private transports, which can cause some severe diseases for human, such as heart disease,and cancer"). Furthermore, the phrase "a large of enterprises" is incorrect; it should be "a large number of enterprises." The use of "except when they accept to commute a far-flung distance" is also awkward and could be rephrased for better clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help clarify meaning. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding the use of commas, especially in complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation is needed for clarity. Additionally, using grammar checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can assist in identifying and correcting errors before finalizing the essay.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and addresses the prompt, there are notable areas for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, the issues of accommodation and traffic transport have become increasingly common in many downtown areas, prompting some governors to propose a new policy. While many people argue that a large number of enterprises should be encouraged to move to the outskirts, I believe that this development has more benefits than drawbacks, and in this way, I will demonstrate my perspective on this matter.

On the one hand, there are numerous detrimental effects resulting from the policy of encouraging firms to move out of metropolitan areas. The wave of urban-rural business relocation may leave a number of employees living in the cities on the verge of unemployment, except when they accept to commute a considerable distance. This unnecessary commuting could increase the carbon footprint and heat-trapping emissions, which are one of the reasons for global warming. According to Vietnam’s population survey in 2023, several rural populations moved to cities with the desire to earn income to support their lives, comprising 30% of the total population. Therefore, relating to Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City, which are the cities with the largest workforces, they also ranked highest for air pollution in the first six months of 2024.

On the other hand, I also believe that there are some benefits associated with the advent of this proposal that outweigh the aforementioned disadvantages. This can be explained by the fact that once businesses are relocated to rural areas, their employees would not need to look for accommodation in urban cities; thus, the shortage of housing in urban areas could be decreased. Moreover, the decline in emissions released by private transport could reduce the risk of severe diseases for humans, such as heart disease and cancer.

In conclusion, despite some drawbacks of this phenomenon, I also believe that businesses would experience more benefits when they move to the outskirts due to the lower costs of accommodation and the decrease in traffic transport.