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With the increasing demand for energy sources of oil and gas, people should look for sources of oil and gas in remote and untouched places. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of damaging such areas?

With the increasing demand for energy sources of oil and gas, people should look for sources of oil and gas in remote and untouched places. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of damaging such areas?

The issue of fossil fuels has been a topic of concern in today’s society. The demand for energy sources of oil and gas is on the verge of increasing, therefore, people should find them in rural and untouched areas. While I contend that this solution has some benefits, it would be eclipsed by its drawbacks for several reasons.
To begin with, humans can reap tremendous benefits from seeking energy sources in places far away. Firstly, it can expand the available pool of resources and thus tackle the energy problem. This is because fossil fuels such as gas and oil enable the heating of homes, the running of cars and planes, and the production of goods consumed every day and easily run out. Therefore, exploiting energy sources from remote areas can increase the amount of fuel available, alleviating power scarcity. Secondly, more job opportunities will be created thanks to an economic boom together with the appearance of new energy sources. To be more specific, by utilizing fuels in the production and installation process, there would be more potential to strengthen the transport and health sectors, leading to more employment for individuals.
However, this solution brings far greater disadvantages regarding the loss of wildlife habitat and pollution in many cities. Firstly, some rural areas which are crucial for migration and breeding, become fragmented and destroyed due to indiscriminate exploitation. For example, wildlife animals may choose untouched areas as their habitats, because of the exploitation, they may lose shelter, resulting in undesirable outcomes such as extinction and species diversity decline. Secondly, using these fuels on a wide scale can lead to the pollution of many cities and the subsequent poor health of its citizens where car use is so high because of the high rate of available fossil fuels. This means that toxic gases will cover the city, leading to air pollution and respiratory diseases for people. Therefore, we should utilize more eco-friendly options such as wind and sun for power and electricity for cars instead of oil and gas.
In conclusion, although the exploitation in remote and untouched places can mitigate energy issues and bring more opportunities for people to enter the labor workforce, the impact on wildlife and the freshness rate of the air.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "find them in rural and untouched areas" -> "locate them in rural and pristine regions"
    Explanation: Replacing "find them in rural and untouched areas" with "locate them in rural and pristine regions" employs more formal and precise language, enhancing the academic tone.

  2. "it would be eclipsed by its drawbacks" -> "its drawbacks would outweigh its benefits"
    Explanation: Substituting "it would be eclipsed by its drawbacks" with "its drawbacks would outweigh its benefits" provides a more direct and academically appropriate expression of the idea.

  3. "humans can reap tremendous benefits" -> "individuals can derive significant advantages"
    Explanation: Changing "humans can reap tremendous benefits" to "individuals can derive significant advantages" introduces a more formal and sophisticated vocabulary, maintaining the academic style.

  4. "it can expand the available pool of resources" -> "it can augment the reservoir of available resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "it can expand the available pool of resources" with "it can augment the reservoir of available resources" offers a more nuanced and formal phrasing without sacrificing clarity.

  5. "easily run out" -> "be depleted quickly"
    Explanation: Substituting "easily run out" with "be depleted quickly" enhances precision and elevates the language, adhering to a more formal tone.

  6. "To be more specific" -> "To elaborate further"
    Explanation: Replacing "To be more specific" with "To elaborate further" contributes to a more formal transition between ideas, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  7. "thanks to an economic boom" -> "due to economic growth"
    Explanation: Changing "thanks to an economic boom" to "due to economic growth" offers a more formal and precise alternative in an academic context.

  8. "leads to more employment for individuals" -> "results in increased employment opportunities"
    Explanation: Substituting "leads to more employment for individuals" with "results in increased employment opportunities" maintains formality while expressing the idea more precisely.

  9. "exploitation in remote and untouched places" -> "resource extraction in remote and pristine areas"
    Explanation: Replacing "exploitation in remote and untouched places" with "resource extraction in remote and pristine areas" provides a more specific and academically appropriate term.

  10. "freshness rate of the air" -> "air quality"
    Explanation: Changing "freshness rate of the air" to "air quality" is a more standard and formal way to refer to the condition of the air, aligning with academic language norms.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both sides of the argument, discussing the benefits and drawbacks of seeking energy sources in remote areas. However, the explanation of the disadvantages is relatively brief compared to the benefits. While the mention of wildlife habitat loss and pollution is present, further development and elaboration on these points would strengthen the essay’s coverage of all aspects of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, provide more detailed examples and explanations for the disadvantages. Consider expanding on the impact of habitat loss on specific wildlife, and delve deeper into the consequences of pollution on cities and human health.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The author contends that the drawbacks of seeking energy sources in remote areas outweigh the benefits. This stance is evident in the introduction and conclusion, providing a consistent perspective.
    • How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect. The essay effectively communicates and sustains a clear position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of seeking energy sources in remote areas. However, the development of these ideas could be more nuanced and detailed. For instance, when discussing the benefits, the essay mentions job opportunities but lacks specific examples or statistics to support this point. Additionally, when addressing the disadvantages, there is limited elaboration on the impact of pollution on human health and wildlife.
    • How to improve: Enhance the presentation of ideas by providing more specific examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios to support arguments. Elaborate further on the consequences of pollution and habitat loss to strengthen the overall development of ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of seeking energy sources in remote areas. However, there are moments where the connection between the presented ideas and the main topic could be clearer. For instance, the discussion of job opportunities is relevant but needs a more explicit link to the overall argument.
    • How to improve: Improve coherence by explicitly connecting each point back to the main topic. Ensure that each idea presented contributes directly to the argument about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in addressing all parts of the question comprehensively, providing more detailed support for ideas, and enhancing coherence between ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a logical organization of information. The introduction sets up the issue, and there is a clear progression of ideas in the body paragraphs, with one paragraph discussing the benefits and another focusing on the drawbacks. The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences could be more explicit, particularly in transitioning between the advantages and disadvantages.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can aid in guiding the reader through the shift from positive aspects to drawbacks.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay appropriately uses paragraphs, with each one dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. However, the structure within paragraphs could be refined for greater clarity. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument cohesively.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph revolves around a central theme or idea. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that outlines the main point, followed by supporting details. Break down complex ideas into separate paragraphs to avoid overwhelming the reader with information.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "To begin with," "Firstly," "Secondly," "Therefore," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in using a more diverse range of cohesive devices to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider array of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, synonyms, and parallel structures. This will contribute to a smoother flow and reduce repetition. For instance, instead of frequently using "Firstly" and "Secondly," experiment with alternatives like "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "In addition" to add nuance to the essay’s structure.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, but refining transitional phrases, paragraph structure, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices can elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, encompassing terms related to the topic of energy sources, economic growth, and environmental impact. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. The repetition of certain words and phrases, such as "energy sources," "exploitation," and "rural areas," suggests a limited lexical range.

    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring different ways to express ideas. For instance, instead of frequently using "energy sources," alternative terms like "fuel reservoirs" or "power reservoirs" can be employed. Additionally, introducing specialized vocabulary related to environmental conservation and sustainable energy can contribute to a more sophisticated lexical repertoire.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise, with clear articulation of ideas. However, there are instances where certain terms, such as "freshness rate of the air," might be considered imprecise or unusual. Clarity is maintained throughout, but precision could be further enhanced by selecting terms that more precisely convey the intended meaning.

    • How to improve: Aim for precision by using more commonly accepted terms. In this case, instead of "freshness rate of the air," consider using "air quality." Carefully choose words that accurately convey the intended message without introducing ambiguity. Reviewing and refining the vocabulary in each sentence can contribute to a more nuanced and precise expression of ideas.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors, such as "eclipsed by its drawbacks," may affect the overall impression. These errors, though infrequent, can be distracting and impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay more attentively. Pay particular attention to common errors and carefully review the spelling of critical terms. Utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can also be beneficial in identifying and rectifying potential mistakes. Additionally, dedicating time to thorough proofreading before final submission is crucial for minimizing spelling errors and ensuring a polished final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, and the use of transition words helps to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in sentence variety. Many sentences are of similar length and structure, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences. Vary the length of your sentences to create a more engaging and dynamic writing style. For instance, try combining short sentences into more complex ones or using introductory phrases to add variety.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and pronoun usage could be improved. For example, in the sentence "while I contend that this solution has some benefits," there is a subject-verb agreement issue, as "solution" is singular, and "have" should be used instead of "has." Additionally, there are some awkwardly structured sentences that could be revised for clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and pronoun consistency throughout the essay. Review each sentence for clarity and coherence, ensuring that ideas are expressed in a clear and concise manner. Consider revising awkwardly structured sentences to enhance overall readability. For example, in the sentence "To be more specific, by utilizing fuels in the production and installation process," consider rephrasing for better clarity, such as "To elaborate, using fuels in the production and installation process."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonably varied sentence structure. Focusing on improving sentence variety and addressing specific grammatical issues will contribute to further enhancing the grammatical range and accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The discussion surrounding fossil fuels remains a significant concern in contemporary society. The escalating demand for oil and gas as energy sources has prompted suggestions to locate them in rural and pristine regions. While I acknowledge that this approach offers certain advantages, its drawbacks would outweigh its benefits for several reasons.

To elaborate further, individuals can derive significant advantages from seeking energy sources in remote areas. Initially, it can augment the reservoir of available resources, addressing the energy problem. Fossil fuels like gas and oil play a crucial role in heating homes, powering vehicles, and manufacturing daily goods. Due to the finite nature of these resources, extracting them from untouched areas can potentially increase the fuel supply, alleviating power scarcity. Additionally, the economic growth associated with such endeavors results in increased employment opportunities. For instance, the utilization of fuels in the production and installation processes can bolster the transport and health sectors, generating more employment prospects for individuals.

However, this solution brings about significant disadvantages related to the loss of wildlife habitat and increased pollution in many cities. Firstly, vital rural areas, essential for migration and breeding, may be fragmented and destroyed due to indiscriminate exploitation. Wildlife animals, drawn to untouched areas for habitats, may lose shelter, leading to adverse consequences such as extinction and a decline in species diversity. Secondly, the widespread use of these fuels can contribute to pollution in urban areas, particularly where car usage is high due to the abundance of fossil fuels. This results in toxic gases enveloping the city, causing air pollution and respiratory diseases among the population. Hence, it is imperative to consider more eco-friendly alternatives like wind and solar power for electricity and transportation instead of relying solely on oil and gas.

In conclusion, while the extraction of energy sources from remote and untouched places can address energy issues and create more job opportunities, the negative impact on wildlife habitats and air quality should not be overlooked. Striking a balance by exploring eco-friendly alternatives becomes crucial to mitigate the adverse consequences associated with fossil fuel exploitation.

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