women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females certain professions because of their gende
Communities are often progressive when every individual plays a role. Various solid and blemish aspects are usually observed in both males and females. Some people are thought that it is right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender. I utterly disconcur with this statement and in this essay, I will highlight reasons along with examples followed by a lucid conclusion.
To begin with, I would like to argue against the idea that some workplaces should keep one gender because both genders will provide much workforce for the country. In many ,countries many resources exist while the manpower is less and such nations are called the skilled people from outside territories. Therefore, Combined gender-related workers can fill the gap. To cite an example, Many girls are nowadays doing engineering-related jobs which were considered the tough ones in the past.
Secondly, another feasible factor is passion because it will extremely motivate individuals to keep striving for improvement and development in their performance. In other words, it helps people become closer to their achievements. Moreover ,different genders could bring different perspectives into work, which could generate more possibilities for a company’s development. For example, a male nurse could offer his unique experience to a female dominated team in order to promote a more holistic care to patients in both genders.
In conclusion, although sex is a possible factor that is required when evaluating specific skills, significantly vital reasons such as an individual’s circumstances or passion also need to be measured when it comes to defining overall things
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"Various solid and blemish aspects" -> "Various positive and negative aspects"
Explanation: Replacing "solid and blemish" with "positive and negative" provides a clearer and more standard expression, avoiding potential confusion.
"Some people are thought that" -> "Some individuals believe that"
Explanation: Changing "are thought" to "believe" improves the sentence’s structure and aligns with a more formal tone.
"I utterly disconcur with this statement" -> "I strongly disagree with this assertion"
Explanation: Substituting "utterly disconcur" with "strongly disagree" maintains formality while enhancing the strength of the expression.
"lucid conclusion" -> "clear conclusion"
Explanation: Replacing "lucid" with "clear" maintains clarity and simplicity, adhering to a more academic style.
"In many ,countries many resources exist while the manpower is less" -> "In numerous countries, abundant resources coexist with a scarcity of manpower"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence and using more precise terms like "abundant resources" and "scarcity of manpower" enhances both clarity and formality.
"Many girls are nowadays doing engineering-related jobs which were considered the tough ones in the past." -> "Numerous women are now pursuing careers in engineering, traditionally perceived as challenging."
Explanation: Substituting "girls" with "women" and rephrasing the sentence improves accuracy and elevates the level of formality.
"Secondly, another feasible factor is passion" -> "Secondly, another significant factor is passion"
Explanation: Adding "significant" before "factor" emphasizes the importance of passion in a more formal manner.
"it will extremely motivate individuals" -> "it will highly motivate individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "extremely" with "highly" maintains emphasis while using a more formal adverb.
"Moreover ,different genders could bring different perspectives into work" -> "Moreover, individuals of different genders can contribute diverse perspectives to the workplace"
Explanation: Removing the space after "Moreover" and rephrasing the sentence improves flow and formality.
"significantly vital reasons" -> "crucial factors"
Explanation: Substituting "significantly vital" with "crucial" maintains emphasis on the importance of reasons in a more concise and formal manner.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the prompt, arguing against excluding males or females from certain professions based on gender. It provides reasons and examples to support this stance. However, it could improve by offering a more in-depth analysis of the different parts of the prompt, considering nuances in the question.
- How to improve: To enhance Task Response, ensure a comprehensive analysis of each part of the prompt. For instance, discuss why excluding either gender might be perceived as necessary and counter those arguments with your stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position against gender-based exclusions. However, there are instances where the expression is unclear or awkward, affecting the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: Focus on refining sentence structures and expressions to enhance clarity. Additionally, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in extending and supporting them. For instance, the argument that combined genders provide more workforce needs further elaboration and evidence.
- How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more specific examples and detailed explanations. Elaborate on how gender diversity contributes to a richer perspective in the workplace, supporting each point with relevant evidence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers into tangential points, like discussing countries with resource shortages and the motivations for improvement without clear relevance to the gender-based exclusion in professions.
- How to improve: Stay focused on the main topic throughout the essay. Avoid introducing ideas that are not directly related to the gender-specific exclusion in certain professions.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and presents a coherent argument against gender-based exclusions, refining clarity, depth, and relevance to the prompt can elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information. The introduction clearly presents the author’s stance, followed by well-developed body paragraphs that provide reasons and examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical errors that slightly hinder the overall flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, revise sentences for clarity and coherence. Ensure that the connection between ideas is seamless, and pay attention to grammatical accuracy for a smoother reading experience.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the structure is somewhat inconsistent. While there is an attempt to separate ideas into distinct paragraphs, some sections lack clear topic sentences, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraphing by providing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This will help readers understand the main point of each section and contribute to a more organized essay structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("To begin with," "Secondly," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("it," "this"). However, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices within sentences for better coherence.
- How to improve: Enhance the use of cohesive devices within sentences, such as utilizing linking words (e.g., "however," "moreover") to establish clear relationships between ideas. This will contribute to a smoother and more coherent flow of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. Improvements in sentence-level coherence, paragraph structure, and grammar would further elevate the overall effectiveness of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use diverse words, but the choices are sometimes repetitive, and there is a lack of more sophisticated or nuanced vocabulary. For instance, the repeated use of "gender" and "different genders" could be varied for a more impactful expression. Additionally, the phrase "solid and blemish aspects" is somewhat unclear and could benefit from a more precise choice of words.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. Replace repetitive terms with synonyms or find more precise language to convey ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "gender," explore alternatives like "sex," "identity," or "diversity." Aim for a more nuanced vocabulary to add depth to the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There is a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary. For instance, the phrase "utterly disconcur" could be more effectively expressed as "strongly disagree." On the positive side, terms like "manpower" and "holistic care" are used appropriately and contribute to clarity.
- How to improve: Strive for clarity and precision by avoiding unnecessary complexity. Choose words that convey the intended meaning accurately. Replace imprecise terms with more straightforward expressions. For instance, consider using "strongly disagree" instead of "utterly disconcur."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "disconcur" (disagree), "blemish" (blemished), and grammatical errors like missing articles ("the") in certain places. These errors slightly affect the overall impression of language proficiency.
- How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct spelling and grammatical errors. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to enhance accuracy. Developing a habit of reviewing written work can significantly improve spelling precision. Additionally, take the time to revise for article usage to ensure grammatical correctness.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these aspects will contribute to a more polished and linguistically advanced essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are used throughout, but there is a lack of complex structures, such as dependent clauses or varied sentence beginnings. The repetition of certain structures limits the overall variety and sophistication of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, consider incorporating complex sentence structures. Introduce dependent clauses, use different sentence beginnings, and experiment with varied sentence lengths. For instance, instead of relying predominantly on simple and compound sentences, integrate complex sentences to add depth and complexity to your ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mix of grammatical accuracy. While the meaning is generally clear, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as in the phrases "Various solid and blemish aspects" and "I utterly disconcur." Punctuation usage is also inconsistent, with some sentences lacking proper punctuation. For example, "Moreover ,different genders" should be written as "Moreover, different genders."
How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, word choice, and sentence structure. Additionally, be consistent in punctuation usage. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to identify and rectify specific errors. Proofreading can significantly contribute to improving overall grammatical accuracy.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable effort, but refining sentence structures and ensuring consistent grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Communities are often considered progressive when all individuals actively contribute, and various positive and negative aspects are found in both males and females. Some individuals believe that it is acceptable to exclude males or females from certain professions based on their gender. I strongly disagree with this assertion, and in this essay, I will elaborate on my reasons, supported by examples, leading to a clear conclusion.
To begin with, the notion that certain workplaces should be exclusive to one gender overlooks the potential benefits of having a combined workforce. In numerous countries, abundant resources coexist with a scarcity of manpower, leading to the recruitment of skilled individuals from other regions. Therefore, having a workforce that includes both genders can help bridge this gap. An illustrative example is the increasing number of women pursuing careers in engineering, a field traditionally perceived as challenging.
Secondly, another significant factor is passion, as it plays a crucial role in motivating individuals to strive for continuous improvement and development in their performance. Moreover, individuals of different genders can contribute diverse perspectives to the workplace, opening up more possibilities for a company’s development. For instance, a male nurse could bring unique experiences to a predominantly female team, promoting a more holistic approach to patient care for both genders.
In conclusion, while gender may be a factor to consider when assessing specific skills, it is essential to recognize other crucial factors, such as an individual’s circumstances or passion, in determining overall suitability for a profession. A clear conclusion emerges: the exclusion of either gender from certain professions based solely on gender is not justified, as it hinders the potential for a diverse and inclusive workforce.