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Write a pagraph about a language that you want to learn in the future

Write a pagraph about a language that you want to learn in the future

At now, I just have one language which I want to learn in the future is German. I have learnt it a little before, so I it brings to me a funny and a new language. I like learning it because I want to expand my horizons. Many newspaper in German is very useful for me, so that why I want to learn German.Besides, I can make a conversation with Germans in my travels and it will help me in the future when I study at a university or I start a work after the graduation.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "At now" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "At now" is not a standard phrase in English. Replacing it with "Currently" adds formality and clarity to the sentence.

  2. "I just have one language" -> "I currently possess proficiency in only one language"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal. Using "I currently possess proficiency in only one language" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  3. "which I want to learn in the future is German" -> "that I aspire to learn in the future is German"
    Explanation: Replacing "which I want to learn in the future is German" with "that I aspire to learn in the future is German" adds a touch of formality and sophistication to the sentence.

  4. "I have learnt it a little before, so I it brings to me a funny and a new language" -> "I have previously acquired some basic knowledge of it, and it presents an amusing and novel linguistic challenge to me"
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, enhancing the academic tone. Additionally, it improves clarity and precision.

  5. "I like learning it because I want to expand my horizons" -> "My motivation for learning it lies in the desire to broaden my intellectual horizons"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning better with academic style.

  6. "Many newspaper in German is very useful for me, so that why I want to learn German." -> "Reading German newspapers is highly beneficial for me; hence, my motivation to learn the language."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains a grammatical error and lacks precision. The suggested alternative corrects the error and presents a more formal and polished version.

  7. "Besides, I can make a conversation with Germans in my travels" -> "Furthermore, the ability to engage in conversations with Germans during my travels"
    Explanation: The revised sentence introduces a more formal transition ("Furthermore") and rephrases the latter part for improved clarity and formality.

  8. "it will help me in the future when I study at a university or I start a work after the graduation" -> "it will be advantageous for my future academic pursuits and professional endeavors post-graduation"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative replaces the informal phrase "start a work" with the more formal "professional endeavors," contributing to a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt but falls short in fully answering all parts. While the choice of the language to learn (German) is mentioned, the reasons for wanting to learn it are somewhat vague. The essay touches on personal interest, the usefulness of German newspapers, and the practical benefits of speaking German in travel and future studies or work. However, these points lack depth and detailed exploration.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider providing more specific and elaborate reasons for wanting to learn German. Explore personal experiences or anecdotes related to the language. Additionally, break down the prompt into its components (e.g., why the chosen language, how it expands horizons, benefits in travel or future endeavors) and address each part more comprehensively.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay’s position on wanting to learn German is somewhat clear, but the lack of detail and depth makes it less convincing. The stance is stated, but the essay would benefit from a more explicit and sustained argument throughout.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of your position by providing more specific details and examples. Develop a clear thesis statement that guides the entire essay, and make sure each paragraph reinforces and builds upon the central idea of why German is the chosen language to learn.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented in a basic manner, lacking in development and support. For instance, the mention of German newspapers being useful is not expanded upon, and the essay lacks specific examples or elaboration on how learning German will expand horizons.
    • How to improve: Extend your ideas by providing concrete examples and detailed explanations. For instance, elaborate on the types of content in German newspapers that are beneficial. Develop the concept of expanding horizons by discussing specific aspects of the language, culture, or opportunities that learning German can offer.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally meanders. The introduction, for instance, contains a sentence that is somewhat confusing ("At now"). This, coupled with minor deviations in certain sentences, detracts from the overall focus.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to coherence and relevance in each sentence. Avoid unnecessary or unclear phrases. In the editing phase, review each sentence to ensure it contributes directly to the central theme of the essay – learning the German language.

In conclusion, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, it falls short in providing a thorough and well-supported response. To improve, focus on enhancing clarity, depth of explanation, and coherence in your writing. Consider revising and expanding upon specific points to create a more convincing and comprehensive essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction briefly mentions the language the writer wants to learn (German), followed by reasons for choosing it. However, the progression of ideas within the body paragraph lacks clarity. For instance, the mention of learning German because of newspapers is abrupt, and the overall flow could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider a more structured approach. Start with a clear introduction, dedicating separate paragraphs to each reason for wanting to learn German. This ensures a more coherent development of ideas. Additionally, elaborate on each reason to provide depth and clarity.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into a single paragraph, which limits its effectiveness. Paragraphing is a critical aspect of cohesion, and breaking the content into distinct paragraphs aids readability and comprehension. The lack of clear breaks between ideas affects the overall flow.
    • How to improve: Divide the essay into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the writer’s motivation to learn German. Start with an introduction, followed by separate paragraphs for reasons such as expanding horizons, utilizing German newspapers, and conversing with Germans during travels. This will enhance the structural coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in the use of cohesive devices. Transition words and phrases that facilitate the smooth flow of ideas are minimal. This results in a somewhat disjointed presentation of thoughts.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices such as ‘furthermore,’ ‘moreover,’ and ‘in addition’ to connect ideas within and between sentences. This will create a more seamless and cohesive narrative. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun references and use them consistently for smoother transitions between sentences.

Overall, the essay has a foundation for coherence and cohesion, but improvements in logical organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more refined and cohesive response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 4

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. The use of language is basic, with a lack of variety in terms of both common and more advanced vocabulary. For instance, the repeated use of the phrase "in the future" and the basic choice of words like "funny" and "useful" indicates a need for greater lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance your score in this aspect, incorporate a broader spectrum of vocabulary. Instead of relying on general terms like "in the future," explore more specific expressions. For example, you might replace "in the future" with phrases such as "in the coming years" or "over time." Additionally, consider using synonyms for common words to add richness to your language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks precision in vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "I have learnt it a little before" could be more precisely expressed as "I have some prior exposure to it." There are opportunities to replace vague words like "funny" with more specific descriptors that convey a clearer meaning.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the precision of your language. Instead of using generic terms, aim for more specific and nuanced expressions. For instance, replace "funny" with "intriguing" or "captivating." Review your essay and identify places where more precise vocabulary can be employed to convey your ideas with greater clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is an area that needs improvement. There are noticeable errors in the essay, such as "At now" instead of "Currently," and "new language" instead of "a new language." These errors impact the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work more diligently. Utilize tools like spell-check software and take the time to review your writing before finalizing it. Additionally, pay attention to common spelling patterns and practice incorporating correct spellings into your writing.

In summary, to elevate your Lexical Resource score, work on expanding your vocabulary range, using words more precisely, and improving spelling accuracy. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished expression of ideas in your essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a variety of sentence structures. Most sentences follow a simple structure, and there is limited use of complex or compound sentences. For example, "I like learning it because I want to expand my horizons" is a straightforward sentence without much complexity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of sentence types, including complex and compound sentences. Introduce subordination and coordination to create more sophisticated structures. For instance, instead of the simple sentence "I like learning it because I want to expand my horizons," you could say, "Learning German appeals to me as it broadens my horizons."
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement, word choice, and missing articles. For instance, "At now" should be "Currently" or "Currently, I have only one language that I want to learn in the future is German." Additionally, "so that why" should be "so that’s why," and "Many newspaper in German is very useful for me" should be "Many German newspapers are very useful for me."
    • How to improve: Review basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and word choice. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct these errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to ensure accuracy. Additionally, work on expanding your vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and diversify your language usage.

By addressing these issues and incorporating a wider range of sentence structures while improving grammar and punctuation accuracy, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing and aim for a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, I possess proficiency in only one language, and the language that I aspire to learn in the future is German. I have previously acquired some basic knowledge of it, and it presents an amusing and novel linguistic challenge to me. My motivation for learning it lies in the desire to broaden my intellectual horizons. Reading German newspapers is highly beneficial for me; hence, my motivation to learn the language. Furthermore, the ability to engage in conversations with Germans during my travels will be advantageous for my future academic pursuits and professional endeavors post-graduation.

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