WRITE A PARAGRAPH DESCRIBING WHAT YOU LIKE DOING IN YOUR LEISURE TIME

WRITE A PARAGRAPH DESCRIBING WHAT YOU LIKE DOING IN YOUR LEISURE TIME

When I have free time and nothing to do, I often go out with my friends. I am an extroverted person, so I love to meet, play, and have relaxing moments with friends on weekends and holidays. We often go play badminton and volleyball to relieve stress and anxiety after a long week of school. After that, we often take each other out, drink milk tea, and eat foods that we all like. Being free after long days of studying is great. It only takes such short moments, but sometimes it is a great joy and happiness for everyone. A week has passed for us, it's too long, but thinking back on the moments with family, and friends, and doing whatever I like on Sunday gives me a great source of strength to continue and try to perfect it.03:16/-heart1/-heart/-strong/-heart:>:o:-((:-h10:37 23/05/2024

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "go out with my friends" -> "socialize with my friends"
   Explanation: "Go out with my friends" is a colloquial expression. "Socialize with my friends" is a more formal alternative that fits the academic style better.

2. "play badminton and volleyball" -> "engage in badminton and volleyball"
   Explanation: "Play badminton and volleyball" is a casual phrase. "Engage in badminton and volleyball" provides a more formal and precise description.

3. "relieve stress and anxiety" -> "alleviate stress and anxiety"
   Explanation: "Relieve stress and anxiety" is suitable for informal contexts. "Alleviate stress and anxiety" is a more sophisticated choice for academic writing.

4. "take each other out" -> "treat each other"
   Explanation: "Take each other out" is somewhat ambiguous and informal. "Treat each other" is a clearer and more appropriate term for spending leisure time together.

5. "drink milk tea" -> "enjoy milk tea"
   Explanation: "Drink milk tea" is too simplistic. "Enjoy milk tea" conveys a similar meaning in a more refined manner.

6. "and eat foods that we all like" -> "and indulge in our favorite dishes"
   Explanation: "Eat foods that we all like" lacks sophistication. "Indulge in our favorite dishes" is more appropriate for academic writing.

7. "Being free after long days of studying is great." -> "Experiencing freedom after lengthy study sessions is gratifying."
   Explanation: The original sentence is informal. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while adopting a more formal tone.

8. "It only takes such short moments" -> "These brief moments suffice"
   Explanation: "It only takes such short moments" is imprecise and informal. "These brief moments suffice" is more concise and formal.

9. "great joy and happiness for everyone" -> "profound joy and happiness for all"
   Explanation: "Great joy and happiness for everyone" is somewhat repetitive and informal. "Profound joy and happiness for all" is a more polished alternative for academic writing.

10. "A week has passed for us, it’s too long" -> "A week has elapsed, feeling interminable"
    Explanation: "A week has passed for us, it’s too long" is colloquial. "A week has elapsed, feeling interminable" conveys the sentiment in a more formal manner.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing the writer’s leisure activities, particularly their preference for spending time with friends. It highlights activities such as playing sports, enjoying drinks, and eating together.
  • How to improve: While the essay covers the writer’s leisure activities, it could further enrich the response by elaborating on other interests or hobbies beyond socializing with friends. Expanding on individual preferences or experiences could provide a more comprehensive answer.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, expressing a preference for spending leisure time with friends. This stance is evident in sentences such as "I often go out with my friends" and "Being free after long days of studying is great."
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer could reinforce their position by explicitly stating it in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph consistently reinforces the central idea would contribute to a clearer presentation.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about spending leisure time with friends, providing examples such as playing badminton, volleyball, and enjoying food and drinks together. However, these ideas could be further extended and supported with additional details or personal anecdotes.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer can delve deeper into their experiences or emotions associated with leisure activities. Adding specific instances or describing memorable moments would enrich the content and engage the reader more effectively.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the writer’s leisure activities and preferences. However, there are slight deviations, such as mentioning studying and family, which are somewhat tangential to the main focus on leisure activities with friends.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all content directly relates to the topic of leisure activities. While brief mentions of studying or family are acceptable, they should not detract significantly from the primary discussion of leisure pursuits. Streamlining the content to prioritize relevant information would help in staying on topic.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing leisure activities with friends, there are opportunities for improvement in depth of content, clarity of position, development of ideas, and staying fully on topic. Expanding on personal experiences, reinforcing the central argument, providing additional details, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic would elevate the essay’s coherence and effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear progression from discussing leisure activities with friends to reflecting on the importance of such activities for personal well-being. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic of leisure activities with friends, followed by specific examples such as playing badminton and volleyball and enjoying food together. The conclusion reflects on the significance of these activities for the author’s overall happiness and motivation. However, there are minor instances where the connection between ideas could be smoother, such as the transition from discussing specific activities to reflecting on their broader impact.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases or sentences. Additionally, consider providing clearer links between individual ideas within paragraphs to maintain a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into distinct paragraphs, which helps in organizing ideas and facilitating readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the author’s leisure activities, such as spending time with friends, engaging in sports, and enjoying food together. However, some paragraphs could be further developed to provide more detailed descriptions or elaborations on the activities mentioned.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the effectiveness of paragraphing by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces its main idea. Additionally, consider expanding on supporting details within paragraphs to provide a more comprehensive exploration of the topic.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. For instance, transitional phrases like "after that" and "being free after long days of studying" help to signal shifts between different points. Additionally, pronouns such as "we" and "our" are used effectively to maintain consistency and coherence throughout the essay. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used, such as incorporating more conjunctions or adverbial phrases to establish stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices by incorporating a mix of conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), adverbial phrases (e.g., "in addition," "on the other hand"), and reference words (e.g., "this," "these") to create smoother transitions and enhance overall cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, there are areas for refinement to elevate the clarity and fluidity of the writing. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, contributing to a more compelling and engaging piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "extroverted," "relieve stress and anxiety," "source of strength," and "perfect." However, there is a noticeable repetition of certain words and phrases, such as "free time," "friends," and "long," which suggests a limited diversity in vocabulary usage.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of vocabulary, especially synonyms for frequently used words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "free time," the writer could employ alternatives like "leisure," "spare time," or "downtime." Similarly, employing varied expressions for "friends" and "long" can enrich the vocabulary diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with moderate precision. For instance, terms like "extroverted" accurately describe the writer’s personality, and phrases like "relieve stress and anxiety" effectively convey the purpose of engaging in recreational activities. However, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as the phrase "it only takes such short moments," which could be clarified for better precision.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should strive to use vocabulary that precisely conveys their intended meaning. Instead of vague expressions like "short moments," they could specify the duration or significance of the moments more precisely. For instance, replacing "short moments" with "brief yet meaningful interactions" or "fleeting but impactful experiences" would provide clearer and more precise descriptions.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are minor typographical mistakes, such as missing spaces between words ("great joy and happiness") and typographical symbols that seem out of place ("03:16/-heart1/-heart/-strong/-heart:>:o:-((:-h10:37 23/05/2024"). These instances do not significantly detract from comprehension but indicate the need for more careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should employ thorough proofreading techniques, checking for typographical errors and ensuring proper spacing between words. Additionally, utilizing spelling and grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and rectify any overlooked mistakes. Regular practice in writing and reviewing compositions can also enhance spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences dominate the essay, with occasional complex sentences such as "Being free after long days of studying is great" and "A week has passed for us, it’s too long, but thinking back on the moments with family, and friends, and doing whatever I like on Sunday gives me a great source of strength to continue and try to perfect it." However, there is a lack of variety in sentence length and structure, which can affect the overall sophistication and coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence types, such as complex and compound-complex sentences. Introducing phrases or clauses for elaboration and using varied sentence lengths can add depth and complexity to your writing. Additionally, experiment with different sentence beginnings and transitions to create a smoother flow and maintain reader engagement.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates fairly accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the essay. For example, "It only takes such short moments, but sometimes it is a great joy and happiness for everyone" could be revised for better clarity and grammatical accuracy. Additionally, there are missing commas after introductory phrases, such as "After that" and "Being free after long days of studying is great," which affects the coherence and flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Reviewing grammar rules related to punctuation, such as comma usage after introductory phrases and in compound sentences, can help improve the overall clarity and coherence of your writing. Consider proofreading your essays carefully to identify and correct any grammatical errors or punctuation inconsistencies before submission. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors can provide valuable insights for improving your writing skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my leisure time, I often socialize with my friends, engaging in activities like badminton and volleyball. These moments help alleviate stress and anxiety accumulated during a busy school week. Afterwards, we treat each other to milk tea and indulge in our favorite dishes. Experiencing freedom after lengthy study sessions is gratifying. These brief moments suffice to bring profound joy and happiness for all of us. Despite the week feeling interminable, reflecting on the time spent with family and friends, and indulging in activities I enjoy on Sundays, provides me with a great source of strength to continue and strive for improvement.