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Write a short IELTS pargraph band 6.5 about your family.

Write a short IELTS pargraph band 6.5 about your family.

My family consists of six members: my parents, my two elder sisters, my younger brother, and me.. Despite significant diverse ages among us, we a strong bond and support each other in various ways. Unlike traditional family structures, my mother is the primary breadwinner, while my father takes on the role of homemaker. The eldest sibling, 16 years my senior, holds a full-time job and offers valuable life advice, while my other sister, 8 years my senior, has completed college and works in a law firm.
In addition to my two sisters, I also have a younger brother, who is three years my junior, and we often play chess and study Maths together. Occasionally we disagree on minor matters, but we swiftly resolve because we care about each other. My parents advocate for our unity, because they believe that effective communication is crucial for maintaining a harmonious family. I consider myself fortunate to have a supportive family where everyone helps each other in both good and difficult times.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "My family consists of six members: my parents, my two elder sisters, my younger brother, and me." -> "My family comprises six members: my parents, my two elder sisters, my younger brother, and myself."
    Explanation: Using "comprises" instead of "consists of" provides a more formal tone, and replacing "me" with "myself" corrects the grammatical error of using the object pronoun in a subject position.

  2. "significant diverse ages among us" -> "significant age differences among us"
    Explanation: "Significant diverse ages" is awkward and incorrect. "Significant age differences" is the correct phrase, which is more precise and appropriate for formal writing.

  3. "we a strong bond" -> "we have a strong bond"
    Explanation: The verb "a" is incorrect; "have" is the correct auxiliary verb needed to form the present tense of the verb "to have."

  4. "Unlike traditional family structures, my mother is the primary breadwinner, while my father takes on the role of homemaker." -> "Unlike traditional family structures, where my mother is the primary breadwinner and my father assumes the role of homemaker."
    Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks cohesion. The revised version uses a more formal structure and clarifies the roles of the parents.

  5. "The eldest sibling, 16 years my senior, holds a full-time job and offers valuable life advice," -> "The eldest sibling, 16 years my senior, is employed full-time and provides valuable life advice."
    Explanation: "Is employed full-time" is more formal and precise than "holds a full-time job," and "provides" is a more formal verb than "offers."

  6. "my other sister, 8 years my senior, has completed college and works in a law firm." -> "my other sister, eight years my senior, has completed her college education and is employed in a law firm."
    Explanation: "Eight years my senior" should be "eight years older than me" for clarity. "Has completed her college education" is more formal than "has completed college," and "is employed in a law firm" is more precise than "works in a law firm."

  7. "In addition to my two sisters, I also have a younger brother, who is three years my junior, and we often play chess and study Maths together." -> "In addition to my two sisters, I also have a younger brother, who is three years younger than me, and we frequently engage in chess and study mathematics together."
    Explanation: "Three years younger than me" corrects the pronoun usage, and "frequently engage in" is more formal than "often play." "Mathematics" is the correct plural form, and "study" is more formal than "study Maths."

  8. "Occasionally we disagree on minor matters, but we swiftly resolve because we care about each other." -> "Occasionally, we disagree on minor issues, but we swiftly resolve these differences because we care about each other."
    Explanation: "Occasionally" should be a comma followed by a main clause, and "minor issues" is more formal than "minor matters." "Resolve these differences" is more precise and formal than "swiftly resolve."

  9. "My parents advocate for our unity, because they believe that effective communication is crucial for maintaining a harmonious family." -> "My parents advocate for our unity, as they believe that effective communication is essential for maintaining a harmonious family."
    Explanation: "As" is more formal than "because" in this context, and "essential" is more academically precise than "crucial."

  10. "I consider myself fortunate to have a supportive family where everyone helps each other in both good and difficult times." -> "I consider myself fortunate to have a supportive family where everyone assists each other in both good and challenging times."
    Explanation: "Assists" is more formal than "helps," and "challenging" is more precise than "difficult," which is somewhat vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a general overview of the family structure and relationships, which addresses the prompt to some extent. However, it lacks depth in exploring the significance of these relationships or any personal reflections that would enrich the narrative. For instance, while the roles of family members are mentioned, the essay does not elaborate on how these roles impact the family dynamic or personal experiences that highlight these relationships.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should delve deeper into specific experiences or anecdotes that illustrate the family dynamics. For example, sharing a memorable family event or a challenge the family faced together could provide a more comprehensive picture of the family’s significance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does convey a sense of appreciation for the family, but the position is somewhat vague. Phrases like "I consider myself fortunate" indicate a positive sentiment, yet the essay does not consistently reinforce this viewpoint throughout. The transition between discussing family roles and expressing gratitude feels abrupt, leading to a lack of coherence in the overall message.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their feelings about family at the beginning and refer back to this sentiment throughout the essay. Using linking phrases to connect thoughts and reiterate the central theme of familial support would strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents various ideas about family members and their roles, but these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported. For example, while it mentions that the eldest sister provides life advice, it does not elaborate on what kind of advice is given or how it has influenced the writer. Similarly, the mention of playing chess with the younger brother is a good start but lacks elaboration on how these activities strengthen their bond.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to expand on each idea presented. This could involve providing specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the relationships and interactions within the family. For instance, describing a particular game of chess that led to a lesson learned would provide depth and engagement.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on family members and their roles. However, there are moments where the discussion feels scattered, particularly when transitioning between different family members without a clear connection. For instance, the shift from discussing the sisters to the younger brother could be smoother to maintain the flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance focus and relevance, the writer should use clear topic sentences for each paragraph or section that guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, ensuring that each point relates back to the central theme of family support and unity would help maintain coherence and relevance throughout the piece.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task but requires more depth, clarity, and coherence to achieve a higher band score. Expanding on ideas, maintaining a consistent position, and improving the flow of the narrative will significantly enhance the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents information about the family in a generally logical order, starting with a brief introduction of family members and then elaborating on their roles and relationships. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the parents’ roles to the siblings’ contributions feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection. The mention of the age differences is relevant but could be better integrated into the discussion of relationships.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more clearly. For example, after discussing the parents, a sentence like "In addition to my parents, my siblings also play significant roles in our family dynamics" could provide a smoother transition. Structuring the essay to follow a clear pattern—perhaps starting with parents, then moving to siblings, and concluding with the overall family dynamic—would also help.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is presented as a single block of text, which makes it harder to follow. While the content is relevant, the lack of paragraphing detracts from the clarity and readability of the essay. Each family member’s role and the relationships could be better highlighted with distinct paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Implementing clear paragraph breaks would significantly enhance the essay’s structure. For example, one paragraph could focus on the parents’ roles, another on the elder sisters, and a third on the younger brother. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, followed by supporting details. This would not only improve readability but also help organize thoughts more effectively.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In addition to" and "Unlike," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay sometimes lacks clarity in how ideas relate to one another. For instance, the phrase "we swiftly resolve because we care about each other" could be clearer with a more explicit connection to the previous sentence about disagreements.
    • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "As a result." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly indicates the relationship between ideas. For example, instead of "we swiftly resolve because we care about each other," you could say, "Despite occasional disagreements, we swiftly resolve our differences, demonstrating our care for one another."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "breadwinner," "homemaker," and "valuable life advice" showcasing some variety. However, the overall vocabulary usage is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrase "support each other" appears multiple times, which detracts from the overall richness of the language.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "support each other," alternatives like "assist one another" or "provide mutual aid" could be used. Additionally, introducing more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the essay. For instance, instead of saying "strong bond," the writer might say "deeply rooted bond" to add depth.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecision. The phrase "significant diverse ages" is awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "a significant age difference." Additionally, the phrase "we a strong bond" is missing a verb, which leads to confusion.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that all phrases are grammatically correct and convey the intended meaning clearly. For example, revising "we a strong bond" to "we share a strong bond" would clarify the sentence. Furthermore, the writer should consider the context when choosing words; for instance, using "advocate" in "My parents advocate for our unity" could be replaced with "encourage" for clearer meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "significant diverse ages" (should be "significant age diversity") and "resolve because we care" (should be "resolve our disagreements because we care"). These errors can distract the reader and detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer could benefit from proofreading their work before submission. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or using spelling apps can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "Despite significant diverse ages among us, we a strong bond and support each other in various ways" showcases an attempt at a complex structure, although it contains a grammatical error. The essay also effectively uses relative clauses, as seen in "the eldest sibling, 16 years my senior, holds a full-time job and offers valuable life advice." However, the overall variety could be enhanced further by incorporating more varied sentence openings and transitions.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using introductory phrases or clauses more frequently. For example, instead of starting sentences with the subject, you could begin with adverbial phrases like "In our family," or "Growing up together," which can add depth and variety. Additionally, integrating more conditional sentences or passive voice constructions could further enrich the essay’s grammatical range.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "we a strong bond" is missing the verb "have," which disrupts the flow and meaning of the sentence. Furthermore, the use of two periods at the end of the first sentence is a punctuation error. The sentence "we swiftly resolve because we care about each other" lacks a subject, making it unclear. While the overall meaning is conveyed, these errors detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay carefully for missing verbs and other grammatical elements. Practicing sentence construction exercises can help reinforce correct grammar usage. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, such as ensuring only one period is used at the end of a sentence and correctly placing commas in complex sentences, will improve clarity. Reading more complex texts can also help in recognizing and applying correct grammatical structures in writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical structures and effectively communicates the writer’s ideas, attention to detail in grammar and punctuation, along with a broader variety of sentence structures, will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

My family comprises six members: my parents, my two elder sisters, my younger brother, and myself. Despite the significant age differences among us, we share a strong bond and support each other in various ways. Unlike traditional family structures, my mother is the primary breadwinner, while my father assumes the role of homemaker. The eldest sibling, 16 years my senior, is employed full-time and provides valuable life advice, while my other sister, eight years my senior, has completed her college education and works in a law firm. In addition to my two sisters, I also have a younger brother, who is three years younger than me, and we frequently engage in chess and study mathematics together. Occasionally, we disagree on minor issues, but we swiftly resolve these differences because we care about each other. My parents advocate for our unity, as they believe that effective communication is essential for maintaining a harmonious family. I consider myself fortunate to have a supportive family where everyone assists each other in both good and challenging times.

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