Write about the following topic: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
Write about the following topic:
There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In recent years, there is many pressure put on teenagers to succeed academically has become a broad issue to the general public.Some people think that the school should remove non-academic subjects,such as physical education and cookery in order to children can focus on academic work.In my opinion,I partly agree with this idea.This essay below will give several reasons in favor of my perspective.
First and foremost,individuals should recognize that non-academic subject should be removed from the institutes syllabus.A very important point to consider is that if the school do not have minor subjects, pupils can totally concentrate on major.This means that young people able to fulfill successfully their most talented area.To illustrate this point i would like to mention to my sister, who has won many mathematical medals after deciding to ignore her extra-subjects.Another point i would like to make is that when this issue occur, teenagers will have more time to east their mind and pay attention to their close relatives.This is because of the fact that when individual have too much works to do , they can not see anything around.Take me for instance,sometimes,i do not have family meals and miss my friend party because of having many assignment.
On the other hand, there are several arguments against the statement that the school should not eliminate the secondary-subjects.People have this opinion as it can have a positive effect on educating social skills and well-being.This also means that students do not be restricted by bored theories and hypotheses.
In conclusion,the above mentioned facts have created a dilemma when people evaluate the problem, and it is a still controversial issue.As far as i am concerned,it could have both positive anh negative impacts.People should have further consideration on this issue.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"there is many pressure put on teenagers" -> "there is considerable pressure placed on teenagers"
Explanation: "There is many" is grammatically incorrect. "Considerable pressure placed on" corrects the grammar and enhances the formality of the sentence. -
"has become a broad issue to the general public" -> "has become a widespread concern among the general public"
Explanation: "Broad issue" is vague and less formal. "Widespread concern" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"remove non-academic subjects,such as physical education and cookery" -> "eliminate non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cooking"
Explanation: "Remove" is somewhat informal and vague; "eliminate" is more precise and formal. Also, "cookery" is less commonly used than "cooking" in academic contexts. -
"in order to children can focus on academic work" -> "so that children can focus on academic work"
Explanation: "In order to" is grammatically incorrect in this context. "So that" is the correct conjunction for introducing a purpose clause. -
"individuals should recognize that non-academic subject should be removed" -> "individuals should acknowledge that non-academic subjects should be removed"
Explanation: "Recognize" is less specific than "acknowledge," which is more appropriate for formal academic writing. Also, "subject" should be plural to match the context of "subjects." -
"if the school do not have minor subjects" -> "if schools do not offer minor subjects"
Explanation: "Do not have" is incorrect; "offer" is the correct verb in this context. Also, "school" should be plural to generalize the statement. -
"pupils can totally concentrate on major" -> "pupils can fully concentrate on their core subjects"
Explanation: "Major" is incorrectly used here; "core subjects" is the correct term. "Totally" is informal; "fully" is more suitable for academic writing. -
"young people able to fulfill successfully their most talented area" -> "young people are able to successfully fulfill their areas of greatest talent"
Explanation: "Fulfill successfully" is redundant; "successfully fulfill" is more natural. Also, "their most talented area" should be "their areas of greatest talent" for grammatical correctness and clarity. -
"when this issue occur" -> "when this issue occurs"
Explanation: "Occur" should be the singular form "occurs" to agree with the singular subject "issue." -
"east their mind" -> "relax their minds"
Explanation: "East" is a typographical error; "relax" is the correct verb. "Their minds" should be plural to match the subject "they." -
"Take me for instance,sometimes,i do not have family meals and miss my friend party" -> "For example, I sometimes miss family meals and parties with friends"
Explanation: "Take me for instance" is informal and awkward; "For example" is more appropriate. "Do not have family meals and miss my friend party" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "miss family meals and parties with friends" corrects these issues. -
"do not be restricted by bored theories and hypotheses" -> "are not restricted by tedious theories and hypotheses"
Explanation: "Do not be" is grammatically incorrect; "are not restricted" is correct. "Bored" is an adjective that incorrectly modifies "theories and hypotheses"; "tedious" is the correct adjective for describing academic content as overly complex or dull.
These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and grammatical accuracy of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the removal of non-academic subjects from the school syllabus. The writer expresses a partial agreement with the idea, which indicates an attempt to engage with the question. However, the response lacks depth in exploring the extent of agreement or disagreement. The arguments presented are somewhat superficial and do not fully elaborate on the implications of the proposed changes to the syllabus.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly outline their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement. This could involve providing a more detailed analysis of the benefits and drawbacks of removing non-academic subjects, supported by specific examples and evidence. Additionally, the writer could consider addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly to demonstrate a well-rounded understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay indicates a partial agreement with the removal of non-academic subjects; however, the position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. The transition between supporting and opposing views is somewhat abrupt, leading to confusion about the writer’s overall stance. For example, the writer begins by arguing for the removal of subjects but then presents counterarguments without clearly delineating how these relate to their initial position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through their argument. Clearly stating the main position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion would help reinforce the stance. Additionally, the writer could benefit from structuring the essay in a way that clearly separates supporting and opposing arguments, allowing for a more coherent flow of ideas.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the potential benefits of focusing solely on academic subjects, but these ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the example of the writer’s sister winning mathematical medals is relevant but lacks sufficient detail to effectively support the argument. The opposing viewpoint is introduced but not adequately explored, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more details and examples. This could involve explaining why focusing on academic subjects can lead to success and providing more substantial evidence or anecdotes to illustrate the opposing view. Additionally, integrating statistics or research findings could lend credibility to the arguments.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the issue of academic pressure and the role of non-academic subjects. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the discussion about personal experiences, which detracts from the main argument. For example, the mention of missing family meals and parties, while relevant to the theme of pressure, does not directly contribute to the discussion of the educational syllabus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and anecdotes directly relate to the central argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis. Additionally, the writer should avoid introducing unrelated personal experiences that do not serve to enhance the argument.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, it requires more depth, clarity, and coherence to achieve a higher band score. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, indicating partial agreement with the removal of non-academic subjects. However, the organization of ideas lacks clarity and logical progression. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The transition from the first argument about focusing on major subjects to the second point regarding personal time is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. This disrupts the logical flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should create a clear outline before writing. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details. Additionally, using linking phrases such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In contrast" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph attempts to introduce the topic and the writer’s opinion but mixes too many ideas without clear separation. The second paragraph presents arguments against the removal of non-academic subjects but lacks a distinct transition from the previous paragraph, making it feel disjointed.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. For example, the first paragraph could clearly state the writer’s position and outline the reasons for this stance. The second paragraph could then present counterarguments. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear beginning, middle, and end will improve overall coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost" and "on the other hand," but the use is limited and at times awkward. For instance, phrases like "this means that" and "to illustrate this point" are used, but they do not always effectively connect ideas. There are also instances of grammatical errors, such as "individuals should recognize that non-academic subject should be removed," which detract from the overall clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "however." Practicing the use of these devices in context can help improve fluency and coherence. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy will enhance the clarity of connections made between ideas.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents a viewpoint, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. For instance, the phrase "non-academic subjects" is repeated without variation, and terms like "teenagers" and "school" are used frequently without synonyms or more descriptive alternatives. While some phrases, such as "focus on academic work," are appropriate, the overall vocabulary does not exhibit the richness expected at a higher band score.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "non-academic subjects," alternatives like "extracurricular activities" or "non-core subjects" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can add depth to the writing. For instance, instead of saying "very important point," the writer could say "crucial aspect."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "there is many pressure" should be "there is a lot of pressure," which is grammatically incorrect and affects the overall meaning. Additionally, the phrase "teenagers will have more time to east their mind" is unclear; it seems to suggest relaxation but is poorly articulated.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on correct grammatical structures and ensure that phrases convey the intended meaning clearly. For example, revising "teenagers will have more time to east their mind" to "teenagers will have more time to relax and focus on their personal lives" would enhance clarity. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and seeking feedback on word choice can also help.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "east" instead of "ease," "assignments" instead of "assignment," and "anh" instead of "and." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility. While some words are spelled correctly, the frequency of mistakes indicates a need for improvement.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, such as using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch errors. Reading more extensively can also aid in familiarizing oneself with correct spelling patterns and usage in context.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and structure, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, many sentences are simple or compound but lack complexity. Sentences like "This means that young people able to fulfill successfully their most talented area" and "People have this opinion as it can have a positive effect on educating social skills and well-being" are straightforward but do not employ more complex structures such as relative clauses or varied conjunctions effectively. The use of phrases like "to illustrate this point" shows an attempt at variety, but overall, the sentence structures remain basic and repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, including subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "if the school do not have minor subjects," the writer could say, "if schools were to eliminate minor subjects, students would be able to concentrate better on their major subjects." Practicing combining sentences and using different grammatical forms will help create a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "there is many pressure" should be "there is a lot of pressure," and "the school should remove non-academic subjects,such as physical education and cookery in order to children can focus" lacks proper punctuation and structure, making it confusing. Additionally, there are missing articles, such as "the institutes syllabus," which should be "the institute’s syllabus." Punctuation errors, such as missing spaces after commas and periods, also detract from the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper article usage, and sentence structure. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical rules can help. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that there is a space after each comma and period will enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes.
Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument, addressing the noted weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, the considerable pressure placed on teenagers to succeed academically has become a widespread concern among the general public. Some people believe that schools should eliminate non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, so that children can focus on academic work. In my opinion, I partly agree with this idea. This essay will outline several reasons supporting my perspective.
First and foremost, individuals should acknowledge that non-academic subjects should be removed from the school syllabus. A very important point to consider is that if schools do not offer minor subjects, pupils can fully concentrate on their major subjects. This means that young people will be able to excel in their areas of strength. To illustrate this point, I would like to mention my sister, who has won many mathematical medals after deciding to ignore her extra subjects.
Another point I would like to make is that when this issue arises, teenagers will have more time to relax and pay attention to their close relatives. This is because when individuals have too much work to do, they often cannot see anything around them. Take me, for instance; sometimes I miss family meals and my friends’ parties because of having too many assignments.
On the other hand, there are several arguments against the notion that schools should eliminate non-academic subjects. People hold this opinion because these subjects can positively impact the development of social skills and overall well-being. This also means that students are not restricted to monotonous theories and hypotheses.
In conclusion, the facts mentioned above have created a dilemma when people evaluate this issue, making it a still controversial topic. As far as I am concerned, it could have both positive and negative impacts. People should give this matter further consideration.
