Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic. In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled from their school and never allowed to return. Many consider this is an effective way to educate while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic.
In many countries, students who behave badly in class are expelled from their school and never allowed to return. Many consider this is an effective way to educate while others disagree.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

The question of whether students having rule-breaking actions should be expelled from school has become a debatable issue in recent years. While some oppose this punishment, others believe that students should be allowed to correct their fault.

On the one hand, there are some notable reasons why some individuals express high agreement with dismissing those with bad behaviors. Firstly, it is apparent that since punishment would function efficiently to warn teenagers from behaving improperly, to illustrate more, those who have not operated badly in treatment to punish some school adolescents accordingly, without lately furthermost, it is obvious that wrongly, which leads numerous students to continue their activities without authority. Furthermore, numbers among various countries have gained increasing treatments to incorrect behaviors. Hence, the strict atmosphere for every, which could ensure to create signs of parental fuvorle, which diminishes significance.

On the other hand, it could be argued that being expelled from school and never allowed to return seem to be a extreme punishment for those youngsters who make mistakes. It is believed that everyone may sometime involve in missignifications to commit the rules. However, indeed, experiences from their improper behaviors to acquire teenagers per school to allow students, teachers could give them lighter punishment, and educate them night orientation, which supports the dropping out of school at early ages. Additionally, learning to enhance personal developments may have harmful impacts on students’ biography which hinders them to securing a rewarding job in the future. Consequently, it has detrimental effects on those ones’ life and causes them to encounter extreme struggle in beyond.

In conclusion, despite some certain advantages, I believe that the punishment of dismissing students from school appears to bring negative consequences to teenagers. It is advisable for schools to give students permission to cultivate expenses from fault and improve their developments personal.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "rule-breaking actions" -> "rule-violations"
   Explanation: The term "rule-violations" is more precise and academically appropriate than "rule-breaking actions," which sounds somewhat informal and vague.

2. "expelled from school" -> "expelled from their educational institutions"
   Explanation: "Educational institutions" is a more formal and encompassing term than "school," which is more specific and less commonly used in academic writing.

3. "correct their fault" -> "rectify their mistakes"
   Explanation: "Rectify their mistakes" is a more formal and precise term than "correct their fault," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.

4. "dismissed those with bad behaviors" -> "expelled those exhibiting misconduct"
   Explanation: "Exhibiting misconduct" is a more formal and precise way to describe students’ behavior, replacing the colloquial "bad behaviors."

5. "function efficiently to warn teenagers from behaving improperly" -> "effectively deter teenagers from improper behavior"
   Explanation: "Effectively deter" is a more precise and formal expression than "function efficiently to warn," which is awkwardly phrased and less formal.

6. "operated badly in treatment" -> "received inadequate treatment"
   Explanation: "Received inadequate treatment" is clearer and more formal than "operated badly in treatment," which is unclear and awkwardly phrased.

7. "furthermost" -> "further"
   Explanation: "Furthermost" is incorrect; the correct adverbial form is "further," which is used to indicate additional extent or degree.

8. "wrongly" -> "incorrectly"
   Explanation: "Incorrectly" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context than the vague and informal "wrongly."

9. "create signs of parental fuvorle" -> "indicate parental favor"
   Explanation: "Favor" is the correct spelling, and "indicate" is more formal than "create signs of," which is colloquial and unclear.

10. "extreme punishment" -> "severe punishment"
    Explanation: "Severe" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "extreme," which can imply an emotional or subjective judgment.

11. "make mistakes" -> "commit errors"
    Explanation: "Commit errors" is a more formal and precise term than "make mistakes," which is too casual for academic writing.

12. "missignifications" -> "misinterpretations"
    Explanation: "Misinterpretations" is the correct term, replacing the non-existent "missignifications," which is a typographical error.

13. "night orientation" -> "nightly guidance"
    Explanation: "Nightly guidance" is a clearer and more formal phrase than "night orientation," which is awkward and unclear.

14. "dropping out of school at early ages" -> "dropping out of school at an early age"
    Explanation: "At an early age" is grammatically correct and more formal than "at early ages," which is incorrect and awkward.

15. "hinders them to securing" -> "hinders their securing"
    Explanation: "Hinders their securing" is grammatically correct, whereas "hinders them to securing" is awkward and incorrect.

16. "beyond" -> "beyond that"
    Explanation: "Beyond that" is grammatically necessary to complete the sentence structure, as "beyond" alone is incomplete and unclear.

17. "cultivate expenses from fault" -> "address the consequences of their mistakes"
    Explanation: "Address the consequences of their mistakes" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea of dealing with the outcomes of errors, replacing the awkward and unclear "cultivate expenses from fault."

18. "improve their developments personal" -> "enhance their personal development"
    Explanation: "Enhance their personal development" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "improve their developments personal," which is grammatically incorrect and awkward.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding the expulsion of students for bad behavior. However, it lacks depth in discussing the reasons for expulsion and the opposing viewpoint. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the specific arguments for and against expulsion. The second paragraph presents reasons for expulsion but does so in a convoluted manner, making it difficult to understand the main points. The counterargument is presented in the third paragraph but lacks sufficient detail and clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly outline the main arguments for both sides in the introduction. Each paragraph should focus on one clear point, supported by examples or explanations. For instance, when discussing the benefits of expulsion, specific examples of how it deters bad behavior could be included. Similarly, when discussing the drawbacks, specific consequences of expulsion on students’ futures should be elaborated.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay concludes with a personal opinion against expulsion, but this position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. The arguments presented for expulsion are somewhat muddled, and the rationale for the author’s stance is not clearly articulated. This inconsistency can confuse the reader about the author’s true position on the issue.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and refer back to it in each paragraph. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help reinforce the author’s stance. Additionally, ensuring that each argument presented supports this position will create a more cohesive essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are often vague and lack sufficient support. For example, the statement about punishment deterring bad behavior is not backed by specific evidence or examples. The discussion of the negative consequences of expulsion is also underdeveloped, with general statements that do not effectively illustrate the point.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples or case studies that illustrate their points. Each argument should be clearly stated, followed by an explanation of why it is important, and supported by relevant evidence. This could include statistics on student outcomes after expulsion or anecdotes about students who have benefited from alternative disciplinary measures.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic, particularly in the second paragraph, where the phrasing becomes convoluted and difficult to follow. Some sentences are overly complex and obscure the main point, leading to a lack of focus. For instance, phrases like "to illustrate more" and "which could ensure to create signs of parental fuvorle" are unclear and distract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the author should focus on clarity and conciseness in their writing. Each sentence should contribute directly to the argument being made. Simplifying sentence structure and avoiding overly complex phrases will help maintain focus. Additionally, regularly revisiting the essay prompt can help ensure that all points made are relevant to the question at hand.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it requires significant improvement in clarity, coherence, and depth of argumentation to achieve a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding the expulsion of students for bad behavior. However, the organization of information is quite disjointed and lacks a clear logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph starts with a general statement but quickly becomes convoluted with unclear examples and reasoning. The second body paragraph also suffers from similar issues, with ideas not being clearly connected or logically sequenced. The conclusion attempts to summarize the essay but introduces new ideas, which should have been discussed in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that provide examples and explanations directly related to the topic sentence. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a clear progression of ideas. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion; instead, summarize the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness are lacking. The paragraphs are not well-developed, and the ideas within them are often jumbled and unclear. For example, the first body paragraph attempts to discuss the reasons for supporting expulsion but fails to present these reasons in a coherent manner. Similarly, the second body paragraph mixes multiple ideas without clear separation or development.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. Begin with a topic sentence that clearly states this idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph is fully developed and that the ideas are clearly connected. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument and to signal the relationship between ideas.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but their application is often incorrect or awkward, leading to confusion rather than clarity. Phrases like "to illustrate more," "without lately furthermost," and "which leads numerous students to continue their activities without authority" are either unclear or incorrectly used. This hinders the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Use cohesive devices such as conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases more effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, use "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Finally" to list points in a logical order. Use "However," "On the other hand," and "In contrast" to introduce contrasting ideas. Ensure that these devices are used correctly and naturally to enhance the flow of the essay rather than disrupt it.

In summary, the essay needs significant improvement in organizing information logically, using paragraphs effectively, and employing a range of cohesive devices correctly. By focusing on clear topic sentences, logical progression of ideas, and appropriate use of linking words, the essay can achieve better coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts at using varied expressions. Phrases like "rule-breaking actions," "debatable issue," and "personal developments" show an effort to employ more sophisticated language. However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks the depth expected at a higher band score. For instance, terms such as "bad behaviors" and "punishment" are overused without sufficient variation.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. Instead of repeating "bad behaviors," alternatives like "misconduct," "disruptive actions," or "unruly conduct" could be used. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using idiomatic expressions where appropriate would enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the essay. For example, phrases like "to illustrate more" and "treatments to incorrect behaviors" are awkward and unclear. The phrase "high agreement with dismissing those with bad behaviors" is also vague and could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "treatments to incorrect behaviors," a more precise phrase could be "measures to address inappropriate behavior." Furthermore, ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate will improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that hinder readability and professionalism. Words such as "fuvorle" (favor), "missignifications" (misinterpretations), and "biography" (likely intended as "lives" or "lifestyles") are misspelled, which negatively impacts the overall impression of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools, and proofreading their work before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal vocabulary list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can help reinforce correct spelling.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, it requires improvement in range, precision, and spelling to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the overall quality of the writing but also contribute to clearer communication of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at using varied sentence structures, such as complex sentences ("While some oppose this punishment, others believe that students should be allowed to correct their fault.") and simple sentences. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are awkwardly constructed or unclear. For instance, phrases like "to illustrate more" and "without lately furthermost" are confusing and do not contribute to clarity. The use of conjunctions and relative clauses is minimal, which restricts the complexity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Incorporating more relative clauses (e.g., "students who misbehave") and varying sentence beginnings can enhance the flow and complexity. Additionally, using transition words effectively (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast") can help in connecting ideas more smoothly.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, phrases like "those who have not operated badly in treatment to punish some school adolescents accordingly" are grammatically incorrect and difficult to understand. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and word choice, such as "missignifications" instead of "misunderstandings" and "fuvorle" instead of "favorable." Punctuation is often missing or misused, leading to run-on sentences and fragments.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and proper tense usage. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that each sentence is complete and clear will improve overall readability. Reading well-structured essays can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation in context.

In summary, while the essay presents a relevant discussion of the topic, improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety, grammatical correctness, and punctuation will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The question of whether students who engage in rule-violating actions should be expelled from school has become a debatable issue in recent years. While some oppose this punishment, others believe that students should be allowed to rectify their mistakes.

On the one hand, there are notable reasons why some individuals strongly agree with expelling those who exhibit bad behavior. Firstly, it is apparent that punishment can effectively deter teenagers from improper behavior. For instance, those who have not engaged in misconduct may feel that punishing some school adolescents is necessary. Without such measures, it is clear that many students may continue their activities without authority. Furthermore, various countries have increasingly implemented strict treatments for incorrect behaviors. Hence, a strict atmosphere in schools could indicate parental favor, which diminishes its significance.

On the other hand, it could be argued that being expelled from school and never allowed to return is an extreme punishment for those youngsters who make mistakes. It is believed that everyone may sometimes misinterpret the rules. However, experiences from their improper behaviors can help teenagers learn. Schools could give them lighter punishments and provide nightly guidance, which supports preventing students from dropping out of school at an early age. Additionally, learning to enhance their personal development may have harmful impacts on students’ lives, hindering their ability to secure a rewarding job in the future. Consequently, this can have detrimental effects on their lives and cause them to encounter extreme struggles beyond that.

In conclusion, despite certain advantages, I believe that the punishment of expelling students from school brings negative consequences for teenagers. It is advisable for schools to allow students to address the consequences of their mistakes and improve their personal development.