WRITING TASK 1 You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. Press Submit to send to your teacher. Press Help to see model answer. Note: if you need to enlarge the image, increase zoom of screen to 110% or higher.

WRITING TASK 1

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words. Press Submit to send to your teacher. Press Help to see model answer.
Note: if you need to enlarge the image, increase zoom of screen to 110% or higher.

The two charts illustrate how much male and female in employment in three countries between 2005 and 2015.

Overview, there was an increase in the number of employment rates examined, with the proportion of women witnessing the most dramatic rise. Despite this, it consistently had the lowest figures throughout the period.

The share of boy in service was greater than the share of the girl in both years. The figures for male in Japan started at about 40%, after which it saw a slight rise to around 80%.In the mean time, the amount of Australia, which grew from over 60% to exactly 70% had the lowest rate.

Approximately 40% of the Australian work rose to surpass that of Ireland, making it the most work from 2015 on wards to reach a peak about 55%. Similar change, but to lower extent, was seen in the figures for Ireland, which it hit a high of 50%. In contrast, 30% occupations in Japan in 2005, with a subsequent slow to roughly 40% in 2015.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "male and female in employment" -> "male and female employment"
   Explanation: Using "male and female employment" streamlines the phrase and makes it more concise and idiomatic.

2. "Overview, there was an increase" -> "Overall, there was an increase"
   Explanation: "Overview" should be replaced with "Overall" for better coherence and clarity.

3. "witnessing the most dramatic rise" -> "experiencing the most significant increase"
   Explanation: "Experiencing the most significant increase" provides a more formal and precise description of the rise in employment rates.

4. "The share of boy" -> "The proportion of males"
   Explanation: "The proportion of males" is a more accurate and formal term for describing male representation in the workforce.

5. "girl" -> "female"
   Explanation: "Female" is a more appropriate and respectful term to use when referring to women in the workforce.

6. "In the mean time" -> "Meanwhile"
   Explanation: "Meanwhile" is the correct transitional phrase to indicate a shift in focus or topic.

7. "the amount of Australia" -> "the percentage in Australia"
   Explanation: "The percentage in Australia" clarifies that the reference is to the proportion of employment rather than a quantity.

8. "making it the most work" -> "making it the highest"
   Explanation: "Making it the highest" provides a clearer comparison of the employment rates in Australia.

9. "work from 2015 on wards" -> "employment from 2015 onwards"
   Explanation: "Employment from 2015 onwards" is a more precise and formal way to describe the trend.

10. "Similar change, but to lower extent" -> "A similar change, albeit to a lesser extent"
    Explanation: Adding "albeit to a lesser extent" clarifies the comparison of changes in employment rates.

11. "which it hit a high of 50%" -> "peaking at 50%"
    Explanation: "Peaking at 50%" is a more concise and accurate way to describe reaching the highest point.

12. "with a subsequent slow to roughly 40% in 2015" -> "with a subsequent slow increase to roughly 40% by 2015"
    Explanation: "Subsequent slow increase to roughly 40% by 2015" provides a clearer timeline of the change in employment rates in Japan.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, providing an overview of the main trends in employment rates for men and women in three countries over a ten-year period. It identifies some key features, such as the increase in employment rates overall and the differences between countries. However, the essay is somewhat disorganized and lacks clarity in parts, with some information being inaccurately presented or irrelevant (e.g., "the share of boy in service was greater than the share of the girl," "Approximately 40% of the Australian work rose to surpass that of Ireland"). There are also grammar and language usage issues that impact clarity.
How to improve: To improve, focus on organizing the information more clearly and accurately. Ensure that all information presented is relevant and supports the main trends and comparisons. Work on grammar and language usage to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to present information regarding the percentages of men and women in employment across three countries over a decade. However, the coherence and cohesion are significantly lacking. The essay lacks a clear overall progression, as it jumps between different points without a logical flow. Sentences are often fragmented, making it difficult to follow the argument. The use of cohesive devices is basic and sometimes inaccurate, contributing to the disjointed nature of the text. Additionally, paragraphing is inconsistent and confusing, further hindering clarity.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay in a clear and logical manner. Each paragraph should present a coherent idea, and there should be a clear progression from one paragraph to the next. The use of cohesive devices should be more accurate and varied, ensuring that they effectively connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay. Additionally, attention should be paid to paragraph structure, ensuring that each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic and follows a logical order. Finally, proofreading for grammatical errors and sentence structure would enhance the overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. There are some attempts to convey information, but the language lacks precision and sophistication. The essay struggles with word choice and collocation, leading to noticeable errors and awkward phrasing. Some key terms, such as "employment rates" and "service," are used, but overall, the vocabulary is basic and repetitive.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more varied and appropriate terms. They should aim for greater precision in their word choice and pay attention to collocation to ensure fluency and coherence in their writing. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors is essential to enhance clarity and readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay, including errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and word choice. Punctuation is often faulty, with missing commas and incorrect placement of periods. These errors impede communication and make comprehension difficult at times.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, such as complex and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, attention should be given to basic grammatical principles, including subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation rules. Proofreading for errors and seeking feedback on grammar and sentence structure can also be beneficial in improving accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts delineate the proportions of men and women engaged in employment across three nations during the years 2005 and 2015.

Overall, there was an observable surge in employment rates across the examined period, notably with a significant uptick in the proportion of women. However, despite this increase, the percentage of women consistently remained the lowest among the genders throughout the timeframe.

In both years, the percentage of men in employment outweighed that of women. In Japan, the male employment rate commenced at approximately 40%, experiencing a slight ascent to reach around 80% by 2015. Conversely, Australia showcased a rise from over 60% to precisely 70%, maintaining the lowest rate among the depicted countries.

A noteworthy development occurred in Australia, where the employment percentage surged to surpass that of Ireland, peaking at about 55% by 2015. A similar, albeit less pronounced, trend was evident in Ireland, reaching a high of 50%. In contrast, Japan exhibited a modest increase from 30% in 2005 to approximately 40% in 2015.