Writing task 1 You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in millions) of telephone calls in Finland, divided into three categories, from 1995 – 2004. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

Writing task 1
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in millions) of telephone calls in Finland, divided into three categories, from 1995 – 2004.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
You should write at least 150 words.

The bar chart illustrates the volume of time (measured in minutes) for telephone calls made by Finnish citizens using three different devices from 1995 to 2004.
A closer look at the bar chart highlights that the figure for local landlines witnessed various fluctuations. While the data for national and international landlines and mobiles experienced an upward trend, the latter's trend was much sharper.
In 1995, while Finnish residents spent 12,000 million minutes making phone calls through local landlines, the figure for national and international landlines was only half as much as that number, and mobile calls had a quite humble start. In the next 5 years, the time for local landlines increased steadily by approximately one million minutes on an annual basis. Whereas in the same period, both the figures for national and international calls and mobiles rose moderately, standing at 8000 and 3000 million respectively.
In the second half of the period, the gap between the 3 categories narrowed down to a great extent. After peaking at about 17000 million in 2001, the figure for local calls experienced a consistent decrease each year, reaching 12000 million in 2004. Also after 2000, the time for national and international calls continued to increase gradually and reached its peak of over 10000 million in 2004. In contrast, from 2001, the number of minutes spent on mobile calls rocketed remarkably, reaching its highest point of just below 10000 million at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The bar chart illustrates the volume of time (measured in minutes)" -> "The bar chart depicts the duration (measured in minutes)"
   Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data visually. Additionally, "duration" is more specific and academically appropriate than "volume of time."

2. "Finnish citizens using three different devices" -> "Finnish residents using three distinct communication devices"
   Explanation: "Residents" is more specific and formal than "citizens" in this context, and "distinct communication devices" clarifies the type of devices being referred to, enhancing precision.

3. "witnessed various fluctuations" -> "experienced fluctuations"
   Explanation: "Witnessed" is less common in academic writing when describing data trends, whereas "experienced" is more direct and appropriate for describing changes in data.

4. "the latter’s trend was much sharper" -> "the trend for mobiles was significantly steeper"
   Explanation: "The latter" is vague and can be confusing; specifying "mobiles" clarifies the subject. "Steeper" is a more precise term for describing the rate of increase.

5. "quite humble start" -> "initially modest usage"
   Explanation: "Quite humble" is informal and vague; "initially modest usage" is more formal and accurately describes the beginning of a trend.

6. "stood at 8000 and 3000 million respectively" -> "stood at 8,000 million and 3,000 million respectively"
   Explanation: Including the commas and separating the numbers improves readability and maintains the formal tone.

7. "the gap between the 3 categories narrowed down to a great extent" -> "the gap between the three categories significantly narrowed"
   Explanation: "Narrowed down to a great extent" is redundant; "significantly narrowed" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.

8. "peaking at about 17000 million" -> "peaking at approximately 17,000 million"
   Explanation: "About" is less precise than "approximately," and the comma after "peaking" is necessary for clarity.

9. "the time for local calls experienced a consistent decrease each year" -> "the time spent on local calls consistently decreased annually"
   Explanation: "Consistently decreased annually" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.

10. "the number of minutes spent on mobile calls rocketed remarkably" -> "the minutes spent on mobile calls increased significantly"
    Explanation: "Rocketed remarkably" is overly dramatic and informal; "increased significantly" is more appropriate for academic writing.

These changes refine the language to better suit an academic context, enhancing precision, formality, and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the details are not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the time for local landlines increased steadily by approximately one million minutes on an annual basis from 1995 to 2000. However, the data shows that the increase was not steady and varied from year to year. The essay also states that the gap between the three categories narrowed down to a great extent after 2000. However, the data shows that the gap between local landlines and national and international landlines remained relatively large throughout the period.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate details about the trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific comparisons between the different categories of telephone calls. For example, the essay could compare the rate of increase in the time spent on mobile calls to the rate of decrease in the time spent on local landlines.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with a clear progression throughout the text. The writer effectively presents a central topic in each paragraph, focusing on different aspects of the data. Cohesive devices are used appropriately, although there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in the transition phrases. The paragraphing is generally clear, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher score, the writer could work on varying the use of cohesive devices to avoid any perception of overuse. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct focus and flows smoothly into the next would enhance coherence. More explicit referencing and substitution could also help reduce repetition and improve overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "fluctuations," "upward trend," and "rocketed," but there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing that detract from clarity. For example, phrases like "the figure for local landlines witnessed various fluctuations" could be simplified for better understanding. Additionally, there are some errors in word formation and minor spelling issues, but these do not significantly impede communication. Overall, the vocabulary used is sufficient, but it lacks the precision and flexibility characteristic of higher band scores.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more sophisticated range of vocabulary and improved accuracy in word choice. Focusing on using precise terms and varied expressions would enhance clarity. Additionally, minimizing errors in spelling and word formation, as well as avoiding awkward phrasing, would contribute to a more polished and professional presentation of ideas. Engaging with more complex vocabulary and ensuring its correct application would also elevate the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, but these do not significantly impede communication. For instance, phrases like "the figure for local landlines witnessed various fluctuations" and "the gap between the 3 categories narrowed down to a great extent" show an attempt to use more complex structures. However, there are also instances of awkward phrasing and minor grammatical inaccuracies, such as "the figure for national and international landlines was only half as much as that number," which could be more clearly expressed. Overall, the essay maintains a reasonable level of clarity and coherence, but the errors present indicate that it does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors, improving sentence structure, and ensuring that complex sentences are used correctly. Additionally, increasing the variety of sentence structures and ensuring that punctuation is consistently accurate would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the volume of time (measured in minutes) for telephone calls made by Finnish citizens using three different devices from 1995 to 2004. A closer look at the bar chart highlights that the figure for local landlines experienced various fluctuations. While the data for national and international landlines and mobile calls showed an upward trend, the latter’s growth was significantly sharper.

In 1995, Finnish residents spent 12,000 million minutes making phone calls through local landlines, while the figure for national and international landlines was only half of that amount, and mobile calls had a relatively modest beginning. Over the next five years, the time spent on local landlines increased steadily by approximately one million minutes annually. In contrast, during the same period, both the figures for national and international calls and mobile calls rose moderately, reaching 8,000 million and 3,000 million minutes, respectively.

In the second half of the period, the gap between the three categories narrowed considerably. After peaking at about 17,000 million minutes in 2001, the figure for local calls experienced a consistent decline each year, reaching 12,000 million minutes in 2004. Additionally, after 2000, the time spent on national and international calls continued to increase gradually, peaking at over 10,000 million minutes in 2004. In contrast, from 2001 onwards, the number of minutes spent on mobile calls surged dramatically, reaching its highest point of just below 10,000 million minutes by the end of the period.