You are going to write a short essay in response to the following: “Some people believe that your personality doesn’t change over time. To what extent do you agree with this idea? Give specific examples to support your opinion.”

You are going to write a short essay in response to the following:
“Some people believe that your personality doesn’t change over time. To what extent do you agree with this idea? Give specific examples to support your opinion.”

Nowadays, some people hold the idea that “A leopard can’t change his spots”. Personally, I completely disagree with the thought that the traits that one is born with will stay with a person's whole life. Some ideas will be given in the essay below to support my point of view.
First of all, personality is not something like a stone that can not be changed. From birth to death, humans experience a variety of periods, in which they can form or change their traits. As a baby lives with his parents from the first day of his life, his personality is obviously somewhat affected by them. If a baby lives with those who frequently scold or use violence, this baby will naturally form the behavior like parents as he becomes rude and badly behaved. But when the baby comes of age, he has enough self-esteem, self-awareness as well as self-image, he will change himself. It is the reason why someone’s demeanor will be different at age 30 than it was at age 15.
Furthermore, external influences, such as cultural shifts or societal changes, can impact and alter personality dynamics. Not only family but also peers, coworkers, or external agents can have an influence on people’s traits. Consider the example of a person who, in his or her youth, may have been reserved and introverted. As he or she navigates through various life events such as new friendships, academic challenges, or work experiences, she might develop a more extroverted and outgoing demeanor. These shifts in behavior and attitude are indicative of the fluid nature of personality, which is subject to change as individuals accumulate diverse experiences.
In conclusion, the belief that personality is immutable over time is not reliable as explored in this essay, the impact of life experiences, personal growth, external influences, and the malleability of the brain through neuroplasticity all contribute to the ongoing evolution of an individual's personality.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "Nowadays, some people hold the idea that ‘A leopard can’t change his spots’" -> "Currently, some individuals adhere to the belief that ‘A leopard can’t change its spots.’"
   Explanation: The revised opening uses a more formal adverb "Currently" instead of "Nowadays" and adjusts the gender-neutral pronoun "its" for consistency. It also maintains the metaphor for a formal tone.

2. "Personally, I completely disagree with the thought that the traits that one is born with will stay with a person’s whole life." -> "Personally, I vehemently disagree with the notion that innate traits are immutable throughout one’s entire life."
   Explanation: The term "completely" is replaced with "vehemently" for a stronger expression of disagreement. The phrase "the traits that one is born with" is refined to "innate traits," and "will stay with" is replaced with "are immutable throughout" for precision and formality.

3. "Some ideas will be given in the essay below to support my point of view." -> "This essay will present several arguments to substantiate my perspective."
   Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates the vague reference to "some ideas" and replaces it with a more direct statement about presenting arguments. This change enhances clarity and formality.

4. "First of all, personality is not something like a stone that can not be changed." -> "First and foremost, personality is not akin to an unalterable stone."
   Explanation: The phrase "something like" is replaced with "akin to" for a more precise comparison. The double negative "can not be" is corrected to "cannot be" for grammatical accuracy.

5. "If a baby lives with those who frequently scold or use violence, this baby will naturally form the behavior like parents as he becomes rude and badly behaved." -> "If an infant resides in an environment where frequent scolding or violence occurs, the child may naturally adopt behaviors mirroring the parents, leading to rudeness and disruptive conduct."
   Explanation: The term "baby" is replaced with "infant" for a more formal tone. The phrase "form the behavior like parents" is refined to "adopt behaviors mirroring the parents" for clarity and formality.

6. "But when the baby comes of age, he has enough self-esteem, self-awareness as well as self-image, he will change himself." -> "However, as the child matures, developing sufficient self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-image, they can undergo self-directed changes."
   Explanation: The term "baby" is replaced with "child" for consistency. The phrase "comes of age" is adjusted to "matures," and the pronoun "he" is replaced with the gender-neutral "they" for inclusivity.

7. "It is the reason why someone’s demeanor will be different at age 30 than it was at age 15." -> "This is the rationale behind the observable difference in an individual’s demeanor at age 30 compared to age 15."
   Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more explicit connection between the preceding argument and the conclusion. The term "the reason why" is replaced with "the rationale behind" for a more formal expression.

8. "Furthermore, external influences, such as cultural shifts or societal changes, can impact and alter personality dynamics." -> "Moreover, external factors, including cultural shifts and societal changes, can influence and modify personality dynamics."
   Explanation: The term "furthermore" is replaced with "moreover" for variety. The phrase "impact and alter" is refined to "influence and modify" for precision and formality.

9. "Consider the example of a person who, in his or her youth, may have been reserved and introverted." -> "Take, for instance, an individual who, in their youth, may have exhibited reserved and introverted tendencies."
   Explanation: The phrase "Consider the example of a person" is replaced with "Take, for instance, an individual" for variety. The pronouns "his or her" are replaced with the singular "their" for gender inclusivity.

10. "she might develop a more extroverted and outgoing demeanor." -> "they might develop a more extroverted and outgoing disposition."
    Explanation: The pronoun "she" is replaced with the gender-neutral "they" for inclusivity, maintaining consistency with the previous suggestion.

11. "In conclusion, the belief that personality is immutable over time is not reliable as explored in this essay, the impact of life experiences, personal growth, external influences, and the malleability of the brain through neuroplasticity all contribute to the ongoing evolution of an individual’s personality." -> "In conclusion, the notion that personality remains immutable over time is untenable. As explored in this essay, the cumulative effects of life experiences, personal growth, external influences, and the brain’s malleability through neuroplasticity collectively contribute to the continuous evolution of an individual’s personality."
    Explanation: The term "belief" is replaced with "notion" for a more precise expression. The phrase "is not reliable" is changed to "is untenable" for a stronger assertion. The word "impact" is replaced with "cumulative effects" for clarity. The term "ongoing evolution" is maintained for consistency, and the phrase "all contribute to" is replaced with "collectively contribute to" for precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the opposing viewpoint ("A leopard can’t change his spots") and clearly states the writer’s disagreement with the idea. The essay provides specific examples to support the opinion, discussing both individual development and external influences.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing even more specific examples or anecdotes related to individual development and external influences. This will further strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent and clear position throughout. The writer’s disagreement with the idea that personality is unchangeable is evident from the introduction to the conclusion. Each paragraph reinforces the stance with relevant examples.
  • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly restating the thesis or main argument in the conclusion. This can reinforce the writer’s position for the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It introduces the concept of individual development, external influences, and neuroplasticity, providing detailed explanations and examples for each. The examples are relevant and contribute to a comprehensive discussion.
  • How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider delving deeper into the neurological aspect of personality change, providing more details on how neuroplasticity contributes to shifts in behavior.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the central question of whether personality changes over time. It successfully explores individual development, external influences, and neuroplasticity as factors contributing to personality change.
  • How to improve: While the essay is mostly focused, be cautious not to delve too deeply into specific aspects, such as neuroplasticity, at the expense of a broader discussion. Ensure that each example and point directly contributes to the overall argument.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, maintains a clear and consistent position, effectively presents and supports ideas, and stays largely focused on the topic. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, explicitly restating the thesis in the conclusion, delving deeper into the neurological aspect, and maintaining a balance between depth and breadth in the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The progression of ideas is discernible, beginning with the assertion of disagreement, followed by examples supporting this stance, and culminating in a succinct conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the coherence of the second body paragraph. The transition between discussing family influences and the broader impact of external influences could be smoother to enhance overall logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between the second and third paragraphs. This can be achieved by employing transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the influence of family dynamics to the broader societal impact on personality. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on a specific aspect of the argument, avoiding potential overlap or ambiguity.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure its content, aiding readability. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to a coherent and well-organized essay. However, the second body paragraph is relatively lengthy, addressing both family and external influences. While the content is relevant, breaking it into two distinct paragraphs would enhance clarity and facilitate a more systematic presentation of ideas.
  • How to improve: Consider dividing the second body paragraph into two smaller paragraphs. The first could focus exclusively on family influences, while the second delves into external influences. This adjustment would improve the visual structure of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow the development of ideas.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to connect ideas and facilitate the smooth flow of information. Transition words such as "First of all," and "Furthermore" are appropriately used to signal shifts between ideas. Additionally, pronouns like "this" effectively refer back to previously mentioned concepts. However, there is an opportunity to diversify the range of cohesive devices used, introducing a greater variety to enhance overall cohesion.
  • How to improve: While the current use of cohesive devices is effective, consider incorporating a broader array of linking words and phrases. For instance, using synonyms for commonly employed transition words can add nuance and sophistication to the essay. Experiment with connectors like "Moreover," "In addition," or "Consequently" to vary the structure and create a more engaging narrative.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing words and phrases effectively to convey nuanced ideas. For instance, terms like "neuroplasticity," "malleability," and "demeanor" showcase a sophisticated lexical repertoire. Additionally, the essay utilizes a variety of expressions such as "from birth to death," "external influences," and "personal growth" to present a comprehensive view on the topic.

  • How to improve: To further enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases for key concepts. For instance, instead of frequently using the word "personality," explore synonyms like "temperament," "character," or "disposition" to add richness to your expression.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, clearly conveying ideas. Examples include the precise use of "neuroplasticity" to explain the adaptability of the brain and the apt use of "immutable" to describe the belief in an unchanging personality. However, there are instances where the expression could be more precise, such as using "traits" instead of "behavior" in the phrase "develop a more extroverted and outgoing demeanor."

  • How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in your vocabulary. Instead of using broad terms like "behavior," opt for more specific descriptors like "personality traits" or "social conduct" to provide a clearer and more detailed representation of your ideas.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as "demeanor" instead of "demeanour." These errors do not significantly impact comprehension but can be addressed for a more polished presentation.

  • How to improve: Review your writing carefully for minor spelling errors, and consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools to catch any inadvertent mistakes. Additionally, pay attention to British or American spelling conventions for consistency.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with a wide range of words used effectively. To elevate lexical precision, consider employing more specific terms where applicable. Spelling accuracy is generally high, but a meticulous review can further enhance the overall presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional sentences ("If a baby lives with those who frequently scold or use violence") and comparison structures ("Not only family but also peers, coworkers, or external agents") showcases a diverse range.
  • How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more complex structures, such as inverted sentences or parallelism. This can elevate the sophistication of the writing and add nuance to the expression of ideas.

• Use Grammar Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement could be strengthened, such as "the traits that one is born with will stay with a person’s whole life" (corrected: "the traits that one is born with will stay with a person throughout their whole life").
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, especially when dealing with complex sentence structures. Reviewing and revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness will enhance overall accuracy.

• Use Correct Punctuation:

  • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is used appropriately throughout the essay, contributing to the overall clarity of ideas. However, there are a few instances where a semicolon or a colon could be employed to create a stronger connection between related clauses.
  • How to improve: Integrate semicolons and colons where applicable, ensuring they are used correctly to link closely related ideas. This will add sophistication to the writing and improve the flow between sentences.

In summary, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. To further enhance the score, focus on incorporating more complex sentence structures, refining subject-verb agreement, and strategically utilizing advanced punctuation for increased coherence and precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, some individuals adhere to the belief that ‘A leopard can’t change its spots.’ Personally, I vehemently disagree with the notion that innate traits are immutable throughout one’s entire life. This essay will present several arguments to substantiate my perspective.

First and foremost, personality is not akin to an unalterable stone. If an infant resides in an environment where frequent scolding or violence occurs, the child may naturally adopt behaviors mirroring the parents, leading to rudeness and disruptive conduct. However, as the child matures, developing sufficient self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-image, they can undergo self-directed changes. This is the rationale behind the observable difference in an individual’s demeanor at age 30 compared to age 15.

Moreover, external factors, including cultural shifts and societal changes, can influence and modify personality dynamics. Take, for instance, an individual who, in their youth, may have exhibited reserved and introverted tendencies. They might develop a more extroverted and outgoing disposition.

In conclusion, the notion that personality remains immutable over time is untenable. As explored in this essay, the cumulative effects of life experiences, personal growth, external influences, and the brain’s malleability through neuroplasticity collectively contribute to the continuous evolution of an individual’s personality.