You are in a school club and the club recently went to or organised an important event (e.g. a camping trip, play performance, martial arts competition, club art exhibition, etc.). Follow the instructions below and write a blog post: – Mention the name of your club, and what people do there. – Say what event you organised or went to, and why this was important. – Mention what happend on the day of the event, including two good things and one problem – Encourage readers to tell you about an event they have recently been to or held

You are in a school club and the club recently went to or organised an important event (e.g. a camping trip, play performance, martial arts competition, club art exhibition, etc.). Follow the instructions below
and write a blog post:
– Mention the name of your club, and what people do there.
– Say what event you organised or went to, and why this was important.
– Mention what happend on the day of the event, including two good things and one problem
– Encourage readers to tell you about an event they have recently been to or held

I will create a football club name “Goal’s” in here. I will training football on Monday, this week. Some times I will create some event in mother’s club in the evening. I will create six games one by one. Create how a event who training one activity to every one who entry & father’ll feel relax. Who are training or go to the event don’t worry it’s my some money but event will give cheaper then you think. Why I create a football club important because in my mother’ll everyone in here can play football and be better and healthy than watch tv, phone or pace in home. In football club I will have a lot of stadium to have more people training in my club football club. I think will my football club because go to my football club you will have more friend and you will like more healthy healthy and more stronger than you not training in my football club. If you sign in my club Thank you very much!!

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "I will create a football club name "Goal’s" in here." -> "I will establish a football club named ‘Goal’s’."
   Explanation: "Establish" is more precise and formal than "create" for the context of founding an organization. Also, "named" is grammatically correct for introducing a proper noun, and the single quotation marks around "Goal’s" are more appropriate for a title.

2. "I will training football on Monday, this week." -> "I will conduct football training on Mondays this week."
   Explanation: "Conduct" is more specific and formal than "training," and "Mondays" is the correct plural form for referring to the day of the week. Adding "this week" clarifies the timing.

3. "Some times I will create some event" -> "At times, I will organize events"
   Explanation: "At times" is a more formal expression than "some times," and "organize" is more precise than "create" for events. Also, "events" is plural to match the context of multiple activities.

4. "in mother’s club" -> "at my mother’s club"
   Explanation: "At" is the correct preposition to use before "my mother’s club," indicating location.

5. "Create how a event who training one activity to every one who entry & father’ll feel relax." -> "I will organize an event where everyone can participate and relax."
   Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. "Organize" is more specific than "create" for events, and "everyone can participate and relax" is clearer and more formal.

6. "Who are training or go to the event don’t worry it’s my some money but event will give cheaper then you think." -> "Regardless of whether you participate or attend the event, please note that the fee will be lower than expected."
   Explanation: This revision corrects the awkward and informal original phrasing, replacing it with a more formal and clear statement.

7. "Why I create a football club important because" -> "Why is it important to create a football club because"
   Explanation: "Why is it important to create" is grammatically correct and more formal, clarifying the reason for establishing the club.

8. "in my mother’ll everyone in here can play football and be better and healthy than watch tv, phone or pace in home." -> "In my mother’s club, everyone can play football and improve their health and well-being rather than watching TV, using phones, or pacing at home."
   Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and improves clarity and formality. "Improve their health and well-being" is more precise than "be better and healthy," and the examples of alternative activities are more specific and formal.

9. "In football club I will have a lot of stadium to have more people training in my club football club." -> "In my football club, I will have multiple stadiums to accommodate more people for training."
   Explanation: This revision corrects the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, replacing "a lot of stadium" with "multiple stadiums" and clarifying the purpose of the stadiums.

10. "I think will my football club because" -> "I believe my football club will succeed because"
    Explanation: "I believe" is more formal than "I think," and "succeed" is a more precise term than "will my football club," which is unclear and grammatically incorrect.

11. "you will have more friend and you will like more healthy healthy and more stronger" -> "you will gain more friends, become healthier, and become stronger"
    Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, using more precise and formal language.

12. "If you sign in my club Thank you very much!!" -> "If you sign up for my club, thank you very much."
    Explanation: "Sign up for" is the correct phrase, and removing the double exclamation mark and replacing it with a comma improves the formality and flow of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by introducing a football club named "Goal’s" and mentioning the activities involved, such as training and organizing events. However, it lacks clarity and specificity in detailing the importance of the event, as well as what actually happened on the day of the event. The essay does not explicitly mention a specific event that was organized or attended, which is a critical component of the prompt.
  • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should clearly state a specific event that was organized or attended, explaining its significance. For example, instead of vaguely mentioning "some event in mother’s club," the writer could describe a specific football match or tournament, detailing why it was important for the club and its members.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position. While it mentions the benefits of joining the football club, the focus shifts between the club’s activities and the benefits of playing football without a cohesive argument. The phrase "I think will my football club" is particularly confusing and detracts from the overall message.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should establish a strong thesis statement at the beginning of the essay that outlines the main argument. Each paragraph should then support this thesis with relevant examples and clear transitions. For instance, the writer could state, "Joining the ‘Goal’s’ football club is important for community building and personal health," and then elaborate on this throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. The writer mentions that the club will help people become healthier and make friends, but these points are not elaborated upon with specific examples or details. The mention of "two good things and one problem" is missing entirely, which is a requirement of the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples of the benefits of joining the club, such as improved fitness levels or social interactions. Additionally, including details about the event, such as the activities that took place and the problem encountered, would strengthen the essay. For example, the writer could describe a specific training session, the camaraderie built among participants, and a challenge faced during the event, such as bad weather.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic of the club and its events. Phrases like "be better and healthy than watch tv, phone or pace in home" are somewhat off-topic and do not directly relate to the prompt’s requirements. The focus should remain on the club’s activities and the specific event.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should consistently refer back to the prompt while writing. Each paragraph should relate directly to the club and the event, avoiding tangential statements. A good practice is to outline the main points before writing to ensure all content is relevant to the topic.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should ensure they address all parts of the prompt clearly, maintain a consistent position, provide well-supported ideas, and stay focused on the topic throughout the writing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear logical structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the main ideas. For instance, the introduction presents the football club’s name but does not clearly state its purpose or activities. The transition from discussing the club to the importance of football is abrupt and lacks coherence. Additionally, the sequence of events is not well-defined; the mention of games and events feels disjointed and lacks chronological order.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should outline the essay before writing. A clear introduction that states the club’s purpose, followed by distinct paragraphs for the event’s details, benefits, and challenges, would help. Using transitional phrases like "First," "Next," and "Finally" can guide the reader through the narrative more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is presented as a single block of text, which makes it challenging to identify separate ideas or themes. Effective paragraphing helps to compartmentalize information, allowing readers to digest each point clearly. In this case, the absence of paragraphs leads to a confusing reading experience, as multiple ideas are jumbled together without clear separation.
  • How to improve: The writer should break the essay into several paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. For example, one paragraph could introduce the club, another could describe the event, a third could discuss the benefits of joining, and a final paragraph could address the problem encountered. This structure will create a clearer and more engaging flow of information.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which are essential for connecting ideas and ensuring smooth transitions. Phrases such as "some times," "but," and "because" are present, but they do not effectively link the ideas or provide clarity. The use of cohesive devices is minimal, leading to a fragmented reading experience.
  • How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices. For instance, using conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore"), referencing (e.g., "this," "these"), and lexical cohesion (e.g., synonyms or related terms) can help to connect sentences and ideas more fluidly. Practicing the use of linking words and phrases will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas—logical organization, effective paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices—the writer can significantly improve the coherence and cohesion of their essay, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. Phrases like "football club," "training," and "event" are repeated without variation, which restricts the overall lexical diversity. For instance, the term "create" is used multiple times in various contexts, such as "I will create a football club" and "I will create six games," which does not showcase a broader vocabulary.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "create," alternatives like "establish," "organize," or "set up" could be employed. Additionally, using descriptive adjectives (e.g., "exciting," "competitive," "community-focused") could enrich the text.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "mother’s club" is unclear and seems to confuse the intended meaning. The use of "who training" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. Furthermore, the phrase "it’s my some money" is vague and does not effectively communicate the intended message about costs associated with the event.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their thoughts. For instance, instead of "who training," a more precise phrase would be "those who are training." Clarifying phrases like "the costs will be lower than you expect" instead of "it’s my some money" would improve clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Goal’s" (should be "Goals"), "training" (should be "train"), "happend" (should be "happened"), and "relax" (should be "relaxed"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing short passages and using spell-check tools. Additionally, reading more in English can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an attempt to address the prompt, it falls short in lexical resource due to limited vocabulary range, imprecise usage, and spelling errors. By expanding vocabulary, focusing on precision, and improving spelling, the writer can enhance their overall performance in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple and lack complexity. For example, sentences like "I will create a football club name ‘Goal’s’ in here" and "I will training football on Monday, this week" are straightforward but repetitive in structure. There is an attempt to use some complex structures, such as "Create how a event who training one activity to every one who entry," but this is poorly constructed and difficult to understand.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of saying, "I will create six games one by one," the writer could say, "I plan to organize six games sequentially, which will allow participants to gradually improve their skills." Additionally, using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., because, although, while) can help create more complex sentences.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "I will training football" should be "I will train in football," and "my mother’ll" is incorrect; it should be "my mother’s." The use of apostrophes is inconsistent, as seen in "Goal’s" which should not have an apostrophe if it is meant to be a plural name. Furthermore, punctuation is often missing or misused, such as in the phrase "but event will give cheaper then you think," where a comma before "but" would clarify the sentence.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb forms (e.g., "training" should be "train"). Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors, would be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding commas and apostrophes, will help clarify the writing. Reading more English texts can also provide insight into correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should work on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy through practice and review.

Bài sửa mẫu

I will create a football club named “Goal’s” here. I will conduct football training on Mondays this week. At times, I will organize events at my mother’s club in the evening. I will arrange six games one by one. I will organize an event where everyone can participate and relax. For those who train or attend the event, please don’t worry; it will cost some money, but the fee will be lower than expected.

Why is it important to create a football club? Because in my mother’s club, everyone can play football and improve their health and well-being rather than watching TV, using phones, or pacing at home. In my football club, I will have multiple stadiums to accommodate more people for training. I believe my football club will succeed because by joining, you will gain more friends, become healthier, and become stronger than if you do not train in my football club.

If you sign up for my club, thank you very much! I would love to hear about an event you have recently attended or organized.