You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? You should write at least 250 words.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

You should write at least 250 words.

It is a common belief that the majority of workers are seeking job opportunities in many countries and in order to adapt to those changes people have to move away from their friends and their families. However, there is persuasive argument that these changes may have some negative effect rather than overall positive change because they would lead workers to many drawbacks in personal emotions or overall mental health. Overall, I do believe that the advantages wouldn't outweigh the disadvantages.

On the one hand, seeking jobs in some metropolitan areas of a nation could lead to unstability in housing and stress management. This is because the working hours in major firms are not evenly divided leading to some have to work overtime instead of a nine-to-five. Consequently, stress has become a matter that an relatively large amount of office workers must handle financial burden as well as stress management. Moreover, the lack of housing management could lead to a poor living environment creating some unpleasant feelings when workers get off works. They are not able to get in the flow of working so the concentration quality decreased dramatically over time. For instance, comparing the housing conditions of office workers living with their families to those living in alone, It is obvious that those having a sanitary environment tend to shift their focus much easier.

Nevertheless, living away from families and friends for work will strengthen their independence in living alone. The more people suffer from loneliness, the more they become stronger in metality. This saying is exceptionally correct in many terms as workers will eventually adapt to new changes around them in order to keep their jobs. As long as they aren't being excessively exploited, workers will be more motivated to work in national and international firms, sometimes working overtime may be a breeze to them

To sum up, although some may contradict the ideas that the advantages are better than the disadvantages. It is evident that it is uneasy to live away from our close ones to work in different parts of a nation as they may have to deal with more responsibility besides having to shoulder financial burden. Personally, the disadvantages wouldn't be outweighed by the advantages.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "It is a common belief that the majority of workers are seeking job opportunities in many countries" -> "It is commonly believed that a significant number of workers are seeking job opportunities internationally"
   Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains the formality of the original sentence while enhancing clarity and precision by specifying "internationally" and replacing "many countries" with "internationally" and "a significant number of workers" for a more precise expression.

2. "in order to adapt to those changes people have to move away from their friends and their families" -> "to adapt to such changes, individuals often relocate away from their social circles and families"
   Explanation: This revision improves the academic tone by replacing the colloquial "those" with "such", and "have to" with "often", resulting in a more formal and precise expression. Additionally, "social circles" is a more sophisticated term than "friends" and aligns better with academic writing.

3. "However, there is persuasive argument that these changes may have some negative effect rather than overall positive change" -> "However, a persuasive argument suggests that these changes may yield more negative effects than overall positive outcomes"
   Explanation: The suggested revision maintains formality while clarifying the contrast between negative and positive effects. "Negative effects" and "positive outcomes" are more precise than "negative effect" and "positive change."

4. "Consequently, stress has become a matter that an relatively large amount of office workers must handle financial burden as well as stress management." -> "Consequently, stress has become a significant concern for a relatively large number of office workers, who must manage both financial burdens and stress."
   Explanation: This revision improves clarity and formality by restructuring the sentence for better flow and coherence. "Concern" is a more formal term than "matter," and "a relatively large number" is more precise than "an relatively large amount."

5. "Moreover, the lack of housing management could lead to a poor living environment creating some unpleasant feelings when workers get off works." -> "Furthermore, inadequate housing management could result in substandard living conditions, leading to feelings of discomfort when workers return home."
   Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and formality by using more precise language. "Substandard living conditions" is more formal and precise than "a poor living environment," and "feelings of discomfort" is more precise than "unpleasant feelings."

6. "They are not able to get in the flow of working so the concentration quality decreased dramatically over time." -> "This impedes their ability to concentrate effectively, resulting in a significant decline in concentration quality over time."
   Explanation: The suggested revision enhances clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence for better coherence and precision. "Impedes" is a more formal term than "are not able," and "decline in concentration quality" is more precise than "the concentration quality decreased dramatically."

7. "For instance, comparing the housing conditions of office workers living with their families to those living in alone, It is obvious that those having a sanitary environment tend to shift their focus much easier." -> "For instance, when comparing the housing conditions of office workers living with their families to those living alone, it becomes evident that individuals in a hygienic environment can concentrate more effectively."
   Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and formality by restructuring and refining the expression. "It is obvious that" is replaced with "it becomes evident that" for a more formal tone, and "individuals in a hygienic environment can concentrate more effectively" is more precise than "those having a sanitary environment tend to shift their focus much easier."

8. "Nevertheless, living away from families and friends for work will strengthen their independence in living alone." -> "However, living apart from family and friends for work can foster independence in managing one’s affairs."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains the formality of the original sentence while offering a clearer and more precise expression. "Foster independence in managing one’s affairs" is more formal and precise than "strengthen their independence in living alone."

9. "The more people suffer from loneliness, the more they become stronger in metality." -> "Adversity to loneliness often cultivates mental resilience."
   Explanation: This revision offers a more concise and formal expression, replacing "the more they become stronger in mentality" with "cultivates mental resilience," which is clearer and more academically appropriate.

10. "As long as they aren’t being excessively exploited, workers will be more motivated to work in national and international firms, sometimes working overtime may be a breeze to them" -> "Unless subjected to excessive exploitation, workers are likely to remain motivated in national and international firms, with overtime occasionally being manageable."
    Explanation: The suggested revision improves clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence for better coherence and precision. "Manageable" is a more precise term than "a breeze to them," and "remain motivated" is clearer than "will be more motivated."

11. "To sum up, although some may contradict the ideas that the advantages are better than the disadvantages." -> "In conclusion, despite potential dissent regarding the superiority of advantages over disadvantages,"
    Explanation: This revision maintains formality while enhancing clarity and coherence. "In conclusion" is a more formal transition, and "potential dissent" is a more precise term than "some may contradict the ideas."

12. "It is evident that it is uneasy to live away from our close ones to work in different parts of a nation as they may have to deal with more responsibility besides having to shoulder financial burden." -> "Living away from loved ones to work in various parts of a nation is undeniably challenging, as individuals may face increased responsibilities in addition to financial burdens."
    Explanation: The suggested revision improves clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence for better coherence and precision. "Undeniably challenging" is more precise than "uneasy," and "increased responsibilities" is clearer than "more responsibility."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family for work. It discusses the potential negative impacts such as housing instability and stress, as well as the positive aspect of strengthening independence.
  • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides of the argument, it could benefit from providing more specific examples or evidence to support its points. Additionally, a clearer structure that explicitly addresses each part of the prompt in separate paragraphs could enhance the overall coherence and organization.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, arguing that the disadvantages of moving away from family and friends for work outweigh the advantages.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing the stance taken and ensuring it is unmistakably clear to the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their development. While it mentions potential drawbacks and benefits, it could elaborate further on each point with more detailed explanations and examples.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on expanding each idea by providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to illustrate the points made. This would enrich the content and provide a more convincing argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the implications of moving away for work on personal and professional life.
  • How to improve: To ensure a tighter focus, the essay could avoid tangential points and maintain a clear connection to the central theme throughout. This can be achieved by carefully planning the structure and content to align closely with the prompt’s requirements.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a consistent position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed explanations, offering stronger supporting evidence, and ensuring a tighter focus on the topic. With further development in these areas, the essay could enhance its coherence, persuasiveness, and overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to organize information logically by presenting arguments for both sides of the issue. However, the organization is hindered by a lack of clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas. For instance, the essay introduces the disadvantages of moving away from friends and family in the first paragraph but does not effectively transition to the advantages until the third paragraph. This lack of coherence makes it difficult for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should begin with a clear introduction that outlines both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away from friends and family for work. Each body paragraph should focus on either the advantages or disadvantages, with clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, transitions between paragraphs should be used to guide the reader through the essay and maintain coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure within each paragraph is unclear. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear transitions between them, which can confuse the reader. For example, the second paragraph discusses both housing instability and stress management without clearly separating these concepts into distinct paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and include topic sentences to introduce that idea. This will help to maintain clarity and coherence within each paragraph. Additionally, the essay should use transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader from one idea to the next and ensure a smooth flow of information.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("these changes," "this saying") and conjunctions ("however," "nevertheless"). While these devices are used to connect ideas within sentences, there is a lack of variety in their usage, and some connections between ideas are not clearly established.
  • How to improve: To improve cohesion, the essay should incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in addition") and discourse markers (e.g., "furthermore," "consequently"). These devices can help to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, the essay should ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and effectively throughout the text to reinforce connections between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a relatively wide range of vocabulary, including phrases such as "seeking job opportunities," "overall mental health," "unstability in housing," "stress management," "sanitary environment," "shift their focus," "metality," "adapt to new changes," "excessively exploited," and "shoulder financial burden." These terms contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic. For example, instead of using "unstability in housing," consider using "housing instability" or "housing insecurity" for greater precision.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, such as in the phrase "workers will eventually adapt to new changes around them." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as in the phrase "more they become stronger in metality," where "metality" is not a standard term and could be replaced with a more conventional term like "mental resilience."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, use standard vocabulary terms and avoid overly complex or unconventional language unless necessary. For instance, instead of "metality," consider using "mental strength" or "resilience."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of spelling accuracy, with several errors present throughout the text. Examples include "unstability" (should be "instability"), "metality" (should be "mentality"), and "an relatively" (should be "a relatively"). These errors do not significantly hinder understanding but indicate a need for improvement in spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools, proofreading carefully, and practicing spelling common words and phrases.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary and generally precise language use, there is room for improvement in terms of precision and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary while ensuring correct spelling, the essay can further enhance its lexical resource and overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It utilizes simple, compound, and complex sentences, albeit with some repetition. However, there is a lack of variety in sentence length and complexity, resulting in a somewhat monotonous rhythm. The essay could benefit from incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, and inverted sentences, to enhance coherence and engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, try incorporating a variety of sentence types and lengths. For example, consider using conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations or relative clauses to provide additional information. Varying sentence beginnings and employing rhetorical devices like parallelism can also contribute to a more dynamic writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates fairly accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("the majority of workers are seeking"), punctuation errors (missing commas in compound sentences), and awkward phrasing ("as workers will eventually adapt to new changes around them"). These errors slightly detract from the clarity and fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation. Reviewing grammar rules and practicing sentence construction can help enhance accuracy. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors effectively. Revising sentences for clarity and coherence can also help refine the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly believed that a significant number of workers are seeking job opportunities internationally, leading many to relocate away from their families and friends. However, a persuasive argument suggests that these changes may yield more negative effects than overall positive outcomes, particularly impacting personal emotions and mental well-being. Thus, it is my belief that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

On one hand, pursuing employment in bustling metropolitan areas can result in housing instability and challenges in stress management. The uneven distribution of working hours in major firms often forces employees into overtime, exacerbating stress levels. Consequently, stress has become a significant concern for a relatively large number of office workers, who must manage both financial burdens and stress. Furthermore, inadequate housing management could result in substandard living conditions, leading to feelings of discomfort when workers return home. This impedes their ability to concentrate effectively, resulting in a significant decline in concentration quality over time. For instance, when comparing the housing conditions of office workers living with their families to those living alone, it becomes evident that individuals in a hygienic environment can concentrate more effectively.

Nevertheless, living apart from family and friends for work can foster independence in managing one’s affairs. Adversity to loneliness often cultivates mental resilience. Workers may adapt to new surroundings and challenges, remaining motivated in their roles within national and international firms. As long as they are not subjected to excessive exploitation, workers are likely to remain motivated, with overtime occasionally being manageable.

In conclusion, despite potential dissent regarding the superiority of advantages over disadvantages, living away from loved ones to work in various parts of a nation is undeniably challenging. Individuals may face increased responsibilities in addition to financial burdens, making the disadvantages more prominent in this scenario.