You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.
The debated topic that many nations in the world increase the age of retirement in the working labour. This essay will delve the pross and cons of this issues and state whether the advantages outweigh itts disadvantages or not.
On the one hand, the older the labors force is, the better it is for our economy. This can be explained by the following reasons. First of all, when the working people spend a long time at work, they can get more experience and have deeper knowledge in their fields, which befenits a lot to the company they work for such as minimizing the mistakes, do the job more efficiently and gain much money for their owners. Moreover, the government needn't to pay for the pension, besides, they can use these money to boost other fields such as education, healthcare and infrastructure, which helps to develop the country.
On the other hand, there are several drawbacks when raising the retirement ages. First, It is the unemployment rates that should be concerned. As more old people are still at work, the job opportunities for the youth is fewer and fewer. As a result, many young people who are out of work may find their way to find a job abroad or easily end up in illegal activites. In addtion, it is clear that the younger the labor force is, the more enery they have. Furthermore, the younger they are, the better they adapt with the changes in technolofy, all of which leads to the improvement in the outcome products, later develop the country's economy.
In conclusion, all things considered I am pf the opinion that goverment shouldn't raise the retirement age and should spend these chance for the younger generation so that the country can keep up with the rapid change in the cutting – edge technolody in the current trends. This help the country more and more powerful.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"increase the age of retirement in the working labour" -> "increase the retirement age in the workforce"
Explanation: "Working labour" is an awkward and incorrect term. "Workforce" is the correct term for the collective body of people employed in a particular industry or economy, making the phrase more precise and formal. -
"delve the pross and cons" -> "examine the pros and cons"
Explanation: "Delve" is not typically used with "pros and cons," which is a colloquial expression. "Examine" is more appropriate for academic writing, and "pros and cons" should be hyphenated as "pros-and-cons" for grammatical correctness. -
"itts" -> "its"
Explanation: "Itts" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "its," which is the possessive form of "it." -
"labors force" -> "labor force"
Explanation: "Labors force" is incorrect. "Labor force" is the correct term, referring to the collective body of people engaged in productive work. -
"befenits" -> "benefits"
Explanation: "Befenits" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "benefits," which refers to advantages or advantages gained. -
"do the job more efficiently" -> "perform their jobs more efficiently"
Explanation: "Do the job" is informal and vague. "Perform their jobs" is more precise and formal, specifying the action and subject correctly. -
"gain much money for their owners" -> "generate significant revenue for their employers"
Explanation: "Gain much money for their owners" is informal and imprecise. "Generate significant revenue for their employers" is more formal and accurate, using "revenue" to denote financial gain and "employers" to correctly identify the recipients of the revenue. -
"the government needn’t to pay for the pension" -> "the government need not pay for pensions"
Explanation: "Needn’t to" is grammatically incorrect. "Need not" is the correct form, and "pensions" should be plural to encompass all pension payments. -
"boost other fields" -> "invest in other sectors"
Explanation: "Boost" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "Invest in" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"It is the unemployment rates that should be concerned" -> "Unemployment rates are a major concern"
Explanation: "It is the unemployment rates that should be concerned" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Unemployment rates are a major concern" is clearer and more direct, improving the flow and formality of the sentence. -
"the job opportunities for the youth is fewer and fewer" -> "job opportunities for the youth are fewer"
Explanation: "Is fewer and fewer" is grammatically incorrect. "Are fewer" is the correct form, and removing "and" corrects the redundancy. -
"find their way to find a job abroad" -> "seek employment abroad"
Explanation: "Find their way to find a job" is redundant and informal. "Seek employment abroad" is concise and formal, improving clarity and appropriateness for academic writing. -
"easily end up in illegal activites" -> "easily engage in illegal activities"
Explanation: "Activites" is a typographical error. "Activities" is the correct term, and "engage in" is more formal than "end up in," which is colloquial. -
"the younger the labor force is, the more enery they have" -> "the younger the labor force, the more energy they possess"
Explanation: "Enery" is a typographical error. "Energy" is the correct term, and "possess" is more formal than "have" in this context. -
"the better they adapt with the changes in technolofy" -> "the better they adapt to technological changes"
Explanation: "Technolofy" is a typographical error. "Technological changes" is the correct term, and "adapt to" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"later develop the country’s economy" -> "ultimately contribute to the country’s economic development"
Explanation: "Later develop" is awkward and unclear. "Ultimately contribute to the country’s economic development" is more precise and formal, providing a clearer and more academic expression. -
"I am pf the opinion" -> "I am of the opinion"
Explanation: "Pf" is a typographical error. "Of" is the correct preposition, necessary for grammatical correctness. -
"spend these chance" -> "utilize these opportunities"
Explanation: "Spend these chance" is incorrect and informal. "Utilize these opportunities" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"keep up with the rapid change in the cutting – edge technolody" -> "keep pace with the rapid advancements in cutting-edge technology"
Explanation: "Technolody" is a typographical error. "Technology" is the correct term, and "keep pace with the rapid advancements" is more formal and precise than "keep up with the rapid change."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. The writer mentions economic benefits and experience as advantages, while highlighting unemployment and adaptability of younger workers as disadvantages. However, the analysis lacks depth in exploring how these factors weigh against each other, which is crucial for a balanced response. For instance, while the essay mentions the benefits of experience, it does not sufficiently elaborate on how this experience directly translates into economic advantages for society as a whole.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should provide a more thorough examination of both sides, potentially including statistics or specific examples that illustrate the impact of raising the retirement age. A clearer comparison of the pros and cons, along with a definitive stance on which side outweighs the other, would strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay concludes with a position against raising the retirement age, but this stance is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction suggests that the essay will weigh both sides, but the conclusion abruptly states a preference without adequately linking back to the arguments presented. The phrase "I am pf the opinion" is also a typographical error that detracts from the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and consistently refer back to it in the body paragraphs. Using transitional phrases to connect arguments back to the main thesis can help reinforce the position throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of experience and the drawbacks of unemployment for youth. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient detail. For example, the mention of "illegal activities" as a consequence of youth unemployment is vague and lacks elaboration on how this relates to the retirement age issue.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to expand on each point made, providing examples or evidence to support claims. For instance, discussing specific sectors where older workers excel or citing studies on youth unemployment could provide stronger support for the arguments. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly tied back to the main argument will improve coherence.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the retirement age and its implications. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing the energy levels of younger workers without directly linking it back to the retirement age issue. The phrase "cutting-edge technology" appears in the conclusion but is not adequately addressed in the body of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the advantages or disadvantages of raising the retirement age. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all arguments are relevant and contribute to the overall discussion.
In summary, while the essay meets the basic requirements of the prompt, it would benefit from deeper analysis, clearer positioning, better-supported ideas, and tighter focus on the topic. Addressing these areas can help elevate the essay’s score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The arguments for and against raising the retirement age are presented in separate paragraphs, which helps the reader follow the line of reasoning. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the pros and cons is somewhat abrupt, and the conclusion does not effectively summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely" when moving from one argument to another can help guide the reader through the essay more smoothly. A brief recap of the main points in the conclusion would also reinforce the argument and provide closure.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to digest the information. However, the paragraphs could be further refined. For example, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be more clearly delineated, and the second body paragraph could benefit from a more structured approach to presenting the drawbacks.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by relevant details. Consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more focused paragraphs. For instance, the discussion of the drawbacks could be split into two paragraphs: one focusing on unemployment and the other on the adaptability of younger workers. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the structure of the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used, but the link between the cause and effect could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Consequently," and "For instance." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly connects the ideas being presented. For example, when discussing the benefits of an older workforce, explicitly connect how this experience leads to economic benefits to strengthen the argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improving the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and enhancing the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety in word choice and often relies on common phrases. For example, terms like "working people," "older the labors force," and "young people" are repetitive and could be replaced with more varied expressions such as "employees," "senior workforce," and "youth." Additionally, phrases like "better it is for our economy" could be expressed more elegantly as "beneficial for the economy."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "young people," consider using "younger generations" or "youthful workforce." Engaging with a thesaurus or practicing with vocabulary exercises can help broaden lexical choices.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "the older the labors force is" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "an aging workforce." Additionally, "the government needn’t to pay for the pension" contains a grammatical error and could be more clearly stated as "the government would not have to pay pensions." The use of "cutting-edge technology" is appropriate, but "technolofy" is a misspelling that undermines the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This includes ensuring that terms are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. Reading more academic texts can help familiarize the writer with precise language usage.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect readability and professionalism, such as "pross," "itss," "bfenits," "addtion," "enery," "technolofy," and "pf." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can distract the reader from the content of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy before submission. This can include reading the essay aloud, using spell-check tools, or writing drafts and revising them after a break. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial for future writing tasks.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents arguments for both sides, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, practicing precise language use, and implementing effective proofreading techniques will contribute to more polished and sophisticated writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the majority of sentences are simple or compound, such as "This can be explained by the following reasons." There are few complex sentences, which would enhance the sophistication of the writing. The use of phrases like "the older the labors force is, the better it is for our economy" attempts to employ a comparative structure but lacks clarity and correctness. Additionally, the sentence "the younger they are, the better they adapt with the changes in technology" is a good attempt at a comparative structure but suffers from grammatical inaccuracies.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences, such as those that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the government needn’t to pay for the pension," the writer could say, "Because the government needn’t pay for pensions, it can allocate funds to other essential services." Engaging with varied sentence beginnings and incorporating relative clauses can also add complexity and interest to the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "the debated topic that many nations in the world increase the age of retirement in the working labour" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The phrase "the pros and cons of this issues" contains a subject-verb agreement error, as "issues" should be singular. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, detract from the overall readability. The use of "it is the unemployment rates that should be concerned" is also incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, focusing on subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and the correct formation of plural nouns. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules governing the use of commas in complex sentences and lists. Reading well-structured essays can help the writer internalize correct punctuation usage.
In summary, to improve the overall band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy through targeted practice and revision.
Bài sửa mẫu
The debated topic of raising the retirement age in the workforce is a significant issue in many countries today. This essay will examine the pros and cons of this issue and state whether the advantages outweigh its disadvantages.
On the one hand, an older labor force can be beneficial for the economy. This can be explained by several reasons. First of all, when working individuals spend more time in their jobs, they gain valuable experience and deeper knowledge in their fields, which greatly benefits the companies they work for. This experience can minimize mistakes, allow employees to perform their jobs more efficiently, and ultimately generate significant revenue for their employers. Moreover, if the retirement age is increased, the government need not pay for pensions, allowing them to invest in other sectors such as education, healthcare, and infrastructure, which can help develop the country further.
On the other hand, there are several drawbacks to raising the retirement age. One major concern is the rising unemployment rates. As more older individuals remain in the workforce, job opportunities for the youth become increasingly limited. As a result, many young people who are unable to find work may seek employment abroad or may easily engage in illegal activities. Additionally, it is clear that the younger the labor force, the more energy they possess. Furthermore, younger workers tend to adapt better to technological changes, which can lead to improvements in product outcomes and ultimately contribute to the country’s economic development.
In conclusion, all things considered, I am of the opinion that the government should not raise the retirement age. Instead, they should utilize these opportunities for the younger generation so that the country can keep pace with the rapid advancements in cutting-edge technology in current trends. This approach will help strengthen the country’s economy and ensure a more dynamic workforce.
