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You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Write at least 250 words.

The quality of children's education is crucial to any country development. With limited time and energy, people tend to argue about the prioritized subjects for students. As a matter of fact, non-academic subjects are suggested to be eliminated by some. From my perspective, shifting the focus to only academic subjects will bring more harm to many generations. Such harm might be not unseen immediately but can be proved by reviewing the purposes of education, the role of non-academic subjects, and the correlation between different types of subjects.
Education is to give people the power to understand, express, and mature themselves so that they are prepared for their future. At first glance, focusing only on academic performance might make the educators, the parents, and the schools feel as the teaching works. However, the learners are left unknown to many immeasurable problems, such as feeding themselves healthy nutrients instead of high-calorie junk food, managing their budgets while paying for college debt, and grieving after the loss of someone dear, etc. As can be seen from the above examples and more from life, learners need both academic and non-academic training to live a happy and fulfilled life.
Giving more time or even transforming the educational program into 100% science subjects, such as Math, Physics, Chemistry, etc., might not boost the students’ learning performance. Psychologists prove that people’s concentration is not linear. Particularly, focusing on something intellectually requires distraction or diffused mode, which includes physical activities, such as gardening, playing sports, doing embroidery, etc. The increased efficiency and more importantly, the refreshment in switching between sitting still in the class to dancing outsides, make schools more enjoyable to many students.
Overall, while we need to take time and resources into consideration when building any educational programs for the next generation, we should make choices based on the future we wish to assist our learners to reach. At certain levels, accelerated advance in academic performance could be more beneficial to both schools and students. However, numbers are not the only goal for education to be created. Besides the perfect scores and certificates, education should help us learn to foster and appreciate life.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "people tend to argue" -> "individuals tend to debate"
    Explanation: Replacing "people tend to argue" with "individuals tend to debate" adds a more formal tone to the sentence by using the term "debate" instead of "argue," which is more suitable for academic writing.

  2. "non-academic subjects are suggested to be eliminated by some" -> "some propose the elimination of non-academic subjects"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "some propose the elimination of non-academic subjects" improves clarity and formality by using "propose" instead of "suggest" and by reordering the sentence for better flow.

  3. "not unseen immediately" -> "not immediately apparent"
    Explanation: Changing "not unseen immediately" to "not immediately apparent" maintains the intended meaning while using a more formal and precise expression.

  4. "can be proved by reviewing" -> "can be evidenced by reviewing"
    Explanation: Substituting "can be proved by reviewing" with "can be evidenced by reviewing" enhances the academic tone by using "evidenced" instead of "proved."

  5. "the purposes of education" -> "the objectives of education"
    Explanation: Replacing "purposes" with "objectives" in "the purposes of education" adds a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic language.

  6. "the role of non-academic subjects" -> "the significance of non-academic subjects"
    Explanation: Changing "the role of non-academic subjects" to "the significance of non-academic subjects" provides a more formal and nuanced expression, emphasizing the importance of these subjects.

  7. "Learners are left unknown to many immeasurable problems" -> "Learners remain unaware of numerous complex challenges"
    Explanation: Substituting "Learners are left unknown to many immeasurable problems" with "Learners remain unaware of numerous complex challenges" enhances clarity and formality while avoiding the use of colloquial language.

  8. "high-calorie junk food" -> "nutritionally deficient junk food"
    Explanation: Replacing "high-calorie junk food" with "nutritionally deficient junk food" maintains the emphasis on unhealthy food while using a more specific and formal term.

  9. "such as Math, Physics, Chemistry, etc." -> "such as Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, and others"
    Explanation: Expanding "Math" to "Mathematics" and specifying "and others" after "Chemistry" improves formality and precision.

  10. "might not boost the students’ learning performance" -> "may not enhance students’ academic performance"
    Explanation: Substituting "might not boost the students’ learning performance" with "may not enhance students’ academic performance" provides a more formal and precise expression for academic context.

  11. "Psychologists prove" -> "Psychologists have demonstrated"
    Explanation: Changing "Psychologists prove" to "Psychologists have demonstrated" adds a sense of ongoing research and scholarship, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  12. "focusing on something intellectually requires distraction" -> "intellectual focus necessitates occasional distraction"
    Explanation: Replacing "focusing on something intellectually requires distraction" with "intellectual focus necessitates occasional distraction" maintains the meaning while using more formal language.

  13. "dancing outsides" -> "dancing outdoors"
    Explanation: Correcting "dancing outsides" to "dancing outdoors" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  14. "we should make choices based on" -> "we should base our choices on"
    Explanation: Changing "we should make choices based on" to "we should base our choices on" provides a more concise and formal expression.

  15. "accelerated advance" -> "accelerated progress"
    Explanation: Substituting "accelerated advance" with "accelerated progress" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and precise term.

  16. "numbers are not the only goal" -> "achieving high scores is not the sole objective"
    Explanation: Replacing "numbers are not the only goal" with "achieving high scores is not the sole objective" adds formality and clarity to the statement.

  17. "Besides the perfect scores and certificates" -> "In addition to high scores and certificates"
    Explanation: Changing "Besides the perfect scores and certificates" to "In addition to high scores and certificates" improves formality and clarity in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Such harm might be not unseen immediately but can be proved by reviewing the purposes of education, the role of non-academic subjects, and the correlation between different types of subjects."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction attempts to set the stage by hinting at the potential negative consequences of eliminating non-academic subjects. However, the clarity and connection between the harm caused and the subsequent discussion could be strengthened. To enhance clarity, articulate the potential negative impacts more explicitly, illustrating how the removal of non-academic subjects could affect the holistic development of students. For instance, delve deeper into how a lack of exposure to practical life skills might limit students’ ability to navigate real-world challenges effectively.
    • Improved example: "The elimination of non-academic subjects from the curriculum may not immediately manifest detrimental effects but can significantly hinder students’ holistic development. For instance, by removing subjects like physical education and cookery, students may lack crucial life skills essential for their future, hindering their ability to make healthy dietary choices or manage personal finances effectively."
  2. Quoted text: "However, the learners are left unknown to many immeasurable problems, such as feeding themselves healthy nutrients instead of high-calorie junk food, managing their budgets while paying for college debt, and grieving after the loss of someone dear, etc."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While the inclusion of examples is beneficial, the connection between these examples and the argument’s core could be clearer. Instead of listing disparate problems, focus on how the absence of non-academic subjects might hinder students’ ability to tackle real-life challenges effectively. For instance, discuss how a lack of culinary skills could result in an unhealthy diet, impacting overall well-being. By establishing a more direct link between these examples and the argument, the essay’s coherence and persuasiveness can be heightened.
    • Improved example: "The absence of non-academic subjects like cookery might deprive students of essential culinary skills, potentially leading to a reliance on unhealthy dietary choices. Without adequate knowledge of nutrition, students may struggle to maintain a balanced diet, impacting their physical health and overall well-being."
  3. Quoted text: "Overall, while we need to take time and resources into consideration when building any educational programs for the next generation, we should make choices based on the future we wish to assist our learners to reach."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The conclusion effectively emphasizes the importance of considering students’ future while designing educational programs. However, it could be strengthened by offering a succinct recap of the main points discussed in the essay. Summarizing the key arguments reinforces the essay’s coherence and reminds the reader of the supporting reasons presented throughout the essay.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while crafting educational programs for the next generation, it is imperative to prioritize a balanced approach that integrates both academic and non-academic subjects. By equipping students with a comprehensive skill set, we empower them to navigate life’s challenges effectively while nurturing a holistic and fulfilled approach towards learning."

Overall, the essay demonstrates an attempt to address the prompt by presenting arguments for the importance of retaining non-academic subjects. However, refining the connections between examples and the core argument, along with a clearer structural framework, would further enhance the essay’s coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay displays a logical organization of ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout each paragraph. It successfully presents a central topic within each paragraph, focusing on the purpose of education, the significance of non-academic subjects, and the correlation between various types of subjects. There’s a coherent flow of ideas and arguments.

Cohesive devices are utilized effectively, aiding the essay’s overall coherence. The connections between sentences and ideas are mostly well-established, contributing to the essay’s readability. However, there are sporadic instances of less effective cohesion, impacting the essay’s overall coherence slightly.

The paragraphing is generally appropriate and helps structure the essay, but there are minor lapses in logical organization within a few paragraphs. The overall structure contributes to the essay’s clarity and readability.

How to improve:
To enhance the coherence further, focus on strengthening the connection between ideas within and between sentences consistently throughout the essay. Ensuring a more consistent and logical organization within paragraphs can elevate the overall coherence. Additionally, refine the transitions between ideas to create a seamless flow, reinforcing the argumentative structure of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a wide range of vocabulary, showcasing a sophisticated control of lexical features. The writer effectively conveys precise meanings with fluency and flexibility. Uncommon lexical items are skillfully used throughout the essay, contributing to a rich and varied vocabulary. While there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, they are minor and can be categorized as ‘slips.’ The essay maintains a high level of lexical resource with a natural and sophisticated command of language.

How to improve:
To further enhance the lexical resource and move closer to a Band 9 score, the writer should pay extra attention to precision in word choice and collocation. While the essay already incorporates uncommon lexical items, ensuring absolute accuracy in their usage can eliminate occasional inaccuracies. Additionally, expanding on the variety of less common lexical items with a heightened awareness of style and collocation can contribute to a more nuanced and polished vocabulary. Overall, maintaining the current level of vocabulary while minimizing minor errors will contribute to a more consistent Band 9 performance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of complex structures, and there are frequent error-free sentences. The writer shows a good control of grammar and punctuation, though a few errors are present. The essay effectively communicates its message, balancing both academic and non-academic aspects of education.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay attention to a few minor errors, such as the phrase "people tend to argue about the prioritized subjects for students," which could be refined for clarity. Additionally, a closer review for punctuation accuracy, particularly in complex sentence structures, would further elevate the overall writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The significance of a child’s education is pivotal for a nation’s development. Discussions often arise about the prioritization of subjects due to the constraints of time and energy. Some propose the exclusion of non-academic subjects, advocating a sole focus on academics. In my view, emphasizing only academic subjects may have adverse effects on future generations. Although these consequences may not be immediately apparent, a careful examination of the purposes of education, the role of non-academic subjects, and the interconnection between different types of subjects reveals the potential harm.

Education aims to empower individuals to comprehend, communicate, and mature, ensuring their readiness for the future. While prioritizing academic performance may seem effective initially, it leaves learners unprepared for numerous practical challenges. Examples include making nutritious food choices, managing budgets amidst college debts, and coping with the loss of a loved one. Life’s complexities necessitate a blend of academic and non-academic training for a well-rounded and contented existence.

An exclusive focus on science subjects like Math, Physics, and Chemistry may not necessarily enhance students’ learning outcomes. Psychologists assert that concentration is not a linear process. Intellectual focus requires breaks or diffused modes, involving physical activities such as gardening, sports, or crafts. The heightened efficiency and, more importantly, the refreshment gained from transitioning between classroom stillness and outdoor activities contribute to a more enjoyable school experience for many students.

In crafting educational programs, it is essential to consider time and resource constraints. While accelerated progress in academic performance can be advantageous at certain levels, education should not solely prioritize numerical achievements. Beyond perfect scores and certificates, education should instill an appreciation for life, fostering well-rounded individuals capable of navigating life’s challenges. Striking a balance between academic and non-academic subjects ensures a comprehensive and enriching educational experience for learners, preparing them not just for exams but for life’s diverse facets.

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