Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others of the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages of peer
pressure outweigh the advantages?
In this day and age, youngsters ‘ way of behaving is often inspired and validated by their peers, which is referred to as peer pressure. From my perspective, although this phenomenon contributes hugely to the improvement of students, I still believe that the consequences that it might bring are more worthy considering.
Admittedly, it is understandable to argue that peer pressure is beneficial to the young generation thanks to the incentive they receive from one another. That is to say, by watching other people with the same age achieve greatness, students are inclined to work harder by themselves and strive to accomplish the same success. For instance, a child who is put in a class with straight-A students is more likely to outperform instead of one who is surrounded by average classmates. Additionally, peer pressure also encourages students to challenge their limitations by trying new things. Specifically, by observing their friends coping with new experiences, they might have more courage and confidence to overcome fears and follow those kinds of activities. Consequently, students can learn a plethora of valuable lessons as well as building even stronger bonds through sharing experiences with those who have the same interests.
Despite some benefits that peer pressure might bring, I still remain the perspective that the cons eclipse the pros to some extent. It is worth mentioning that the stress originating from the comparison among children would make them have a low self-esteem, which creates a big gap and makes them feel isolated from the majority. As a result, if the situation goes worse, some will have to suffer from depression for a long time and it can be potentially detrimental to their health, relationship, and even their future. Not only can peer pressure cause serious stress but it can also make youthful people experience worry and melancholy. To illustrate, they will evolved themself in extreme hard work in order to be accomplished like their peers; however this tends to be counter-productive by virtue of their tiredness and mental problems.
Taking everything into consideration, even though peer pressure can be beneficial to the youth thanks to the motivation and encouragement it brings, I am convinced that the drawbacks totally outweigh the benefits due to the stress and compression that students might get.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"youngsters’ way of behaving" -> "the behavior of young individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "youngsters’ way of behaving" with "the behavior of young individuals" provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic style.
"which is referred to as peer pressure" -> "commonly known as peer pressure"
Explanation: Adding "commonly known as" before "peer pressure" enhances formality and clarity, making the introduction more academically appropriate.
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is somewhat informal; "In my view" maintains a more formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"contributes hugely" -> "significantly contributes"
Explanation: Replacing "contributes hugely" with "significantly contributes" improves the precision and formality of the language.
"are more worthy considering" -> "are worth considering"
Explanation: Simplifying "are more worthy considering" to "are worth considering" maintains clarity while eliminating unnecessary complexity.
"it is understandable to argue that" -> "one could argue that"
Explanation: The phrase "it is understandable to argue that" can be streamlined to "one could argue that," maintaining formality and conciseness.
"by themselves" -> "independently"
Explanation: Replacing "by themselves" with "independently" enhances formality and clarity.
"straight-A students" -> "students with consistently high grades"
Explanation: Substituting "straight-A students" with "students with consistently high grades" provides a more formal and descriptive expression.
"coping with new experiences" -> "embracing new experiences"
Explanation: "Coping with" can be replaced with "embracing" for a more positive and proactive connotation.
"plethora of valuable lessons" -> "a wealth of valuable lessons"
Explanation: Substituting "plethora of" with "a wealth of" maintains richness in expression while enhancing formality.
"building even stronger bonds" -> "forging even stronger connections"
Explanation: Replacing "building" with "forging" and "bonds" with "connections" adds a touch of formality to the statement.
"the cons eclipse the pros" -> "the drawbacks outweigh the benefits"
Explanation: "The cons eclipse the pros" is replaced with "the drawbacks outweigh the benefits" for a more precise and formal expression.
"worth mentioning" -> "it is noteworthy"
Explanation: "Worth mentioning" is replaced with "it is noteworthy" to enhance formality.
"evolved themself" -> "immerse themselves"
Explanation: "Evolved themself" is corrected to "immerse themselves" for grammatical accuracy and formality.
"virtue of their tiredness" -> "due to their fatigue"
Explanation: Replacing "virtue of their tiredness" with "due to their fatigue" provides a more precise and formal expression.
"Taking everything into consideration" -> "Considering all factors"
Explanation: "Taking everything into consideration" is substituted with "Considering all factors" for a more concise and formal opening to the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It defines peer pressure, acknowledges its potential benefits, and takes a clear stance on whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The sections where the benefits are discussed and the potential drawbacks are considered are well-balanced.
How to improve: No improvement needed in this aspect.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The introduction establishes the writer’s perspective, and this stance is consistently upheld in the subsequent paragraphs. The language used is unequivocal in expressing the belief that the drawbacks of peer pressure outweigh the benefits.
How to improve: The clarity of the position is strong, but the writer can further emphasize it by reinforcing the thesis statement in the conclusion. Restating the main position can leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides specific examples to illustrate the benefits of peer pressure, such as increased motivation and courage to try new things. Similarly, it offers compelling reasons for the drawbacks, including stress, low self-esteem, and potential mental health issues.
How to improve: The writer could enhance the essay by adding more depth to the examples. For instance, providing real-life scenarios or studies would add weight to the arguments and make them more convincing.
Stay on Topic:
Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure in the context of the prompt. However, there is a brief moment in the last paragraph where the term "compression" is used, which might be unclear. This deviation could be seen as a minor lapse in staying on topic.
How to improve: To improve, the writer should avoid using terms that may be ambiguous or confusing. If "compression" refers to stress, it would be beneficial to use clearer language to maintain precision.
In conclusion, the essay is well-structured and effectively addresses the prompt. The writer demonstrates a strong command of language and effectively communicates their perspective on the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure. To further enhance the essay, the writer can reinforce the main position in the conclusion and provide more detailed examples to support their arguments. Additionally, avoiding potentially confusing terms will contribute to maintaining focus and clarity.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction introduces the concept of peer pressure, the body paragraphs present arguments for and against, and the conclusion provides a clear stance. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between ideas within paragraphs. Some sentences could be better connected to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. Consider using transitional phrases and words to guide the reader through the progression of thoughts. For example, phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can be employed to connect supporting points.
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. However, there is a slight inconsistency in paragraph length, with the second paragraph being noticeably shorter than the others. Paragraphs generally have a clear structure with topic sentences introducing main ideas.
- How to improve: Maintain consistency in paragraph length to create a more balanced visual structure. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details or examples. This consistency will contribute to a more cohesive and well-organized essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "admittedly," "despite"), pronouns (e.g., "it," "they"), and conjunctions (e.g., "however," "not only"). While there is an attempt to use cohesive devices, some are misused or placed awkwardly, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the phrase "Admittedly, it is understandable to argue" could be revised for clarity.
- How to improve: Review the usage of cohesive devices for correctness and appropriateness. Ensure that transition words are used in context and that they contribute to the coherence of the essay. Consider revising awkward or convoluted phrases to improve clarity and flow. Practicing the use of varied cohesive devices will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but some words and phrases are repeated, and certain terms are used generically without a nuanced exploration of their meanings.
- How to improve: To enhance the score, consider incorporating a wider array of synonyms, especially for key terms related to the essay topic. Additionally, aim for a more nuanced and precise use of vocabulary, exploring shades of meaning and connotations.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits both precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. While some terms are used accurately to convey the intended meaning, there are instances where word choice could be more specific, leading to a clearer expression of ideas.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Be attentive to the context and ensure that the chosen words accurately capture the nuances of your ideas. Consider consulting a thesaurus to explore alternative words with subtle differences in meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate, with only a few minor errors (e.g., "evolved" should be "involved," "themself" should be "themselves"). The errors do not significantly impede comprehension, but attention to detail in spelling can further enhance the overall quality of the essay.
- How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to spelling during the proofreading process. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to catch minor errors. Additionally, it may be helpful to review commonly misspelled words to reinforce correct usage.
In conclusion, while the essay displays a commendable effort in using vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Attention to detail in spelling is advised to elevate the overall linguistic quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is a mix of simple and complex sentences, some complexity is achieved through the use of appropriate connectors and modifiers. For example, the essay employs phrases like "That is to say" and "Despite some benefits" to connect ideas, contributing to overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, explore the use of rhetorical devices (e.g., parallelism, antithesis) to add flair to the writing and engage the reader further.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates solid grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement could be improved, as in "the drawbacks totally outweigh the benefits." Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a few places where comma usage can be refined for smoother readability.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Regarding punctuation, focus on the use of commas in complex sentences, ensuring they are appropriately placed to aid comprehension. For instance, in the sentence "Despite some benefits that peer pressure might bring, I still remain the perspective," a comma after "bring" would improve clarity.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures and punctuation, contributing to a cohesive and well-articulated response. To elevate the score, further diversify sentence structures for added sophistication and refine grammatical details, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement and precise comma usage.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the present era, the behavior of young individuals is often shaped and validated by their peers, commonly known as peer pressure. In my view, while this phenomenon significantly contributes to the development of students, it is noteworthy that the potential consequences deserve careful consideration.
One could argue that peer pressure is beneficial to the younger generation due to the positive influence they receive from their peers. Observing peers of the same age achieving success serves as an incentive for students to work independently and strive for similar accomplishments. For instance, a child placed in a class with consistently high-achieving students is more likely to excel compared to one surrounded by average classmates. Furthermore, peer pressure encourages students to embrace new experiences and challenge their limitations. By witnessing their friends coping with unfamiliar situations, students gain courage and confidence to engage in similar activities, leading to a wealth of valuable lessons and the forging of even stronger connections through shared experiences with like-minded individuals.
Despite these advantages, it is noteworthy that the drawbacks associated with peer pressure may outweigh the benefits to some extent. Stress stemming from constant comparison among children can result in low self-esteem, creating a significant gap and feelings of isolation. If the situation worsens, some may endure prolonged periods of depression, posing potential risks to their health, relationships, and future prospects. Peer pressure not only induces serious stress but also contributes to feelings of worry and melancholy among young individuals. They may immerse themselves in extreme efforts to match the achievements of their peers; however, this tendency can be counterproductive due to fatigue and mental health issues.
Considering all factors, even though peer pressure offers motivation and encouragement to the youth, I contend that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. The stress and pressure experienced by students, particularly due to constant comparison, can have lasting negative effects on their well-being and overall development.