Young people are often influenced in their behaviours by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?
Young people are often influenced in their behaviours by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages.
Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?
One school of thought believes that the influence of peer pressure exerted by friends or individuals in the same age group is the persuasive phenomenon among young people.While some argue that it has a detrimental effect on young individuals, I am of the opinion that peer pressure play a crucial role in shaping one’s behavior will likely be more significant.
On the one hand,the option to peer pressure can exert many positive effects.Firstly,it can be a significant factor in personal growth .When surrounded by peers who thrive for academically,athletically or artistically young individuals may be inspired to push their limit and strive greater accomplishments .For example,in the class,students experience with positive peer pressure as observed their talented peer excelling in critical thinking or public speaking, motivating them to enhance their skills,broaden their horizon and being a well-rounded person.Another advantage is that,peer pressure can encourage a healthy lifestyles,by doing exercise or avoiding unhealthy behavior.For instance,young individuals inspired to workout in the gym if their friends have jacked and muscular body.
On the other hand,this phenomena can highlight a number of valid concerns.The most one is the potential for young person to have negative impression mind.They succumb to temptation of participating in harmful activities such as drug abusing,criminal behavior,or reckless driving like crossing traffic lights,due to peers pressure,which lead to lasting consequences and jeopardize in their future.Furthermore,excessive pressure from peers can curb their ingenuity and individuality as young people follow the norms of peers groups as not pursuing their ambition and dreams.This conformability may limit personal management skills and hinder their ability to think independently.
In conclusion, while there may be drawbacks regarding bad behavior and creativity deterioration , I believe that the benefit of gaining self-improvement and hitting healthy habits is of more vital significance. By concentrating on the advantages of peer pressure and guiding young people toward beneficial ,it helps them achieve success in personal and social life.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"One school of thought believes" -> "One perspective holds"
Explanation: "One perspective holds" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "One school of thought believes," which can sound slightly colloquial and vague. -
"the persuasive phenomenon among young people" -> "the influential phenomenon among young individuals"
Explanation: "Influential" is more precise than "persuasive" in this context, as it directly relates to the impact on behavior. "Young individuals" is also more formal than "young people." -
"play a crucial role in shaping one’s behavior" -> "plays a crucial role in shaping one’s behavior"
Explanation: The verb "plays" should be in the singular form to agree with the singular subject "role." -
"the option to peer pressure" -> "the phenomenon of peer pressure"
Explanation: "The phenomenon of peer pressure" is a more accurate and formal way to refer to the concept being discussed. -
"it can be a significant factor in personal growth" -> "it can significantly influence personal growth"
Explanation: "Influence" is a more precise term than "factor" in this context, as it directly indicates the impact on personal growth. -
"When surrounded by peers who thrive for academically" -> "When surrounded by peers who excel academically"
Explanation: "Excel" is more specific and academically appropriate than "thrive," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"push their limit" -> "extend their capabilities"
Explanation: "Extend their capabilities" is a more formal and precise phrase than "push their limit," which is colloquial. -
"strive greater accomplishments" -> "strive for greater achievements"
Explanation: "For" is the correct preposition to use with "strive," and "achievements" is more formal than "accomplishments." -
"students experience with positive peer pressure" -> "students experience positive peer pressure"
Explanation: Removing "with" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains the formal tone. -
"observed their talented peer excelling" -> "observed their talented peers excelling"
Explanation: "Peers" should be plural to match the context of multiple individuals. -
"being a well-rounded person" -> "developing well-roundedness"
Explanation: "Developing well-roundedness" is a more formal and precise way to describe the process of becoming well-rounded. -
"encourage a healthy lifestyles" -> "encourage healthy lifestyles"
Explanation: "Healthy lifestyles" should be a single noun phrase for grammatical correctness and clarity. -
"jacked and muscular body" -> "muscular physique"
Explanation: "Muscular physique" is a more formal and precise term than "jacked and muscular body," which is colloquial. -
"The most one is the potential for young person to have negative impression mind" -> "The most significant concern is the potential for young individuals to develop negative mindsets"
Explanation: "The most significant concern" is more formal, and "develop negative mindsets" is a clearer and more academically appropriate phrase than "have negative impression mind." -
"due to peers pressure" -> "due to peer pressure"
Explanation: "Peer pressure" should be singular to maintain grammatical consistency. -
"jeopardize in their future" -> "jeopardize their future"
Explanation: "Jeopardize their future" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"curb their ingenuity and individuality" -> "curtail their creativity and individuality"
Explanation: "Curtail" is a more precise term than "curb" in this context, and "creativity" is more specific than "ingenuity." -
"not pursuing their ambition and dreams" -> "not pursuing their ambitions and aspirations"
Explanation: "Ambitions and aspirations" is a more formal and precise term than "ambition and dreams." -
"guiding young people toward beneficial" -> "guiding young people towards beneficial outcomes"
Explanation: "Towards beneficial outcomes" is a clearer and more formal expression than the vague "toward beneficial."
These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding peer pressure, presenting both its advantages and disadvantages. The author acknowledges the positive aspects, such as personal growth and encouragement of healthy lifestyles, while also discussing the negative impacts, including harmful behaviors and loss of individuality. However, the essay does not fully engage with the prompt’s specific question of whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The conclusion states a personal opinion but lacks a clear comparative analysis of the two sides.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly compare the advantages and disadvantages in the body paragraphs and the conclusion. A clear statement indicating whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, supported by a balanced discussion of both sides, would strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that peer pressure can be beneficial, but the clarity of this position is somewhat undermined by the lack of a strong comparative framework. While the author expresses a belief in the positive aspects of peer pressure, the discussion of disadvantages is equally significant, leading to a somewhat ambiguous stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently emphasize their viewpoint throughout the essay. This can be achieved by reiterating their main argument in each paragraph and ensuring that the conclusion directly reflects the position taken in the body of the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure, supported by examples. For instance, the mention of students being motivated by their peers to excel academically is a strong point. However, some ideas could be more thoroughly developed. For example, the discussion on negative behaviors could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to illustrate the severity of the issue.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed examples and explanations. Incorporating data or research findings could also enhance the credibility of the arguments presented.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing peer pressure and its effects on young people. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing "conformability" and its impact on personal management skills. This could distract from the central argument about the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it can be improved by providing a more explicit comparison of the advantages and disadvantages, maintaining a clearer position, elaborating on points with more detailed examples, and ensuring consistent focus on the prompt throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The argument is logically organized, with the first paragraph discussing the positive aspects of peer pressure and the second addressing the negative consequences. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall flow. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" effectively introduces the first argument, but a more explicit transition to the counterargument would strengthen the logical progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs, such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand." Additionally, ensure that the main points in each paragraph are clearly linked back to the thesis statement, reinforcing how they contribute to the overall argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of peer pressure, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, some paragraphs could be further developed to include more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, the first body paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each paragraph to provide a clear overview of what the paragraph will discuss. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains a balance of examples and analysis. For example, when discussing the positive effects of peer pressure, elaborate on how these effects manifest in real-life scenarios, which would provide depth to the argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "For example," and "On the other hand." These devices help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is repetitive or could be more varied. For example, the phrase "peer pressure" is used frequently without synonyms or paraphrasing, which can make the text feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate synonyms or related phrases for "peer pressure," such as "social influence" or "group dynamics." Additionally, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Consequently," to enhance the sophistication of the writing. This will not only improve the flow but also demonstrate a greater command of language.
Overall, while the essay achieves a solid band score of 7 for coherence and cohesion, focusing on enhancing logical transitions, developing paragraphs with clear topic sentences and detailed examples, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the writing to a higher level.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "detrimental," "personal growth," and "healthy lifestyles." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is repetitive or overly simplistic, such as the repeated use of "peer pressure" and "young individuals." The phrases "push their limit" and "strive greater accomplishments" could be expressed with more variety to enhance the lexical range.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "peer pressure," alternatives like "social influence" or "group dynamics" could be utilized. Additionally, using phrases like "achieve greater heights" instead of "strive greater accomplishments" would demonstrate a broader vocabulary range.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the option to peer pressure" is unclear and should be rephrased for clarity. Similarly, "the most one is the potential for young person to have negative impression mind" is awkward and confusing. The term "conformability" is also not commonly used and may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. For instance, rephrasing to "the most significant concern is the potential for young people to develop negative mindsets" would clarify the intended meaning. Additionally, replacing "conformability" with "conformity" would improve the accuracy of the vocabulary used.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "phenomenon" (written as "phenomena"), "lifestyles" (written as "lifestyles"), and "jeopardize" (written as "jeopardize in their future"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used academic vocabulary can help. Creating a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial. Reading more academic texts can expose the writer to correct spelling in context, reinforcing proper usage.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "On the one hand, the option to peer pressure can exert many positive effects" indicates an attempt to vary sentence forms. However, many sentences are overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "the influence of peer pressure exerted by friends or individuals in the same age group is the persuasive phenomenon among young people." This sentence is convoluted and could be simplified for clarity. Additionally, there is a reliance on certain structures, such as "can" and "may," which limits the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of saying "peer pressure can exert many positive effects," the writer could say, "While peer pressure can exert many positive effects, it is essential to recognize the potential downsides as well." This not only varies the structure but also improves coherence. Practicing sentence combining exercises and reading a variety of texts can help in developing a more diverse grammatical range.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "peer pressure play a crucial role" should be "peer pressure plays a crucial role," indicating a subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, there are missing commas, such as in "One school of thought believes that the influence of peer pressure exerted by friends or individuals in the same age group is the persuasive phenomenon among young people," where a comma is needed after "people." The essay also suffers from run-on sentences and improper spacing, such as "the option to peer pressure can exert many positive effects.Firstly,it can be a significant factor in personal growth."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch errors in subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing sentence structure and punctuation rules through targeted exercises can enhance overall grammatical proficiency. Reading aloud can also help the writer identify awkward phrasing and run-on sentences, allowing for necessary revisions to improve clarity and coherence.
In summary, while the essay presents a reasonable argument regarding peer pressure, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical correctness will be crucial steps toward achieving this goal.
Bài sửa mẫu
One perspective holds that the influence of peer pressure exerted by friends or individuals in the same age group is an influential phenomenon among young individuals. While some argue that it has a detrimental effect on young people, I am of the opinion that peer pressure plays a crucial role in shaping one’s behavior and is likely to be more significant.
On the one hand, peer pressure can exert many positive effects. Firstly, it can be a significant factor in personal growth. When surrounded by peers who excel academically, athletically, or artistically, young individuals may be inspired to push their limits and strive for greater achievements. For example, in the classroom, students experience positive peer pressure as they observe their talented peers excelling in critical thinking or public speaking, motivating them to enhance their skills, broaden their horizons, and develop well-roundedness. Another advantage is that peer pressure can encourage healthy lifestyles by promoting exercise and discouraging unhealthy behaviors. For instance, young individuals may be inspired to work out at the gym if their friends have developed a muscular physique.
On the other hand, this phenomenon can highlight a number of valid concerns. The most significant concern is the potential for young individuals to develop negative mindsets. They may succumb to the temptation of participating in harmful activities such as drug abuse, criminal behavior, or reckless driving, like running traffic lights, due to peer pressure, which can lead to lasting consequences and jeopardize their future. Furthermore, excessive pressure from peers can curtail their creativity and individuality, as young people may follow the norms of their peer groups instead of pursuing their ambitions and aspirations. This conformity may limit personal management skills and hinder their ability to think independently.
In conclusion, while there may be drawbacks regarding negative behavior and a deterioration of creativity, I believe that the benefits of gaining self-improvement and adopting healthy habits are of greater significance. By concentrating on the advantages of peer pressure and guiding young people towards beneficial outcomes, it helps them achieve success in both their personal and social lives.