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Young people learn more about good behavior from books or films than they learn from real-life experiences . To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Young people learn more about good behavior from books or films than they learn from real-life experiences . To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that books or films are having more positive influence on young people’ behave than reality experiences. From my perspective, I deem that it is not sound to claim which way is better, in that each of which is have both pros and cons.
To begin with, books and films impact strongly on young people’s awareness. Admitedlly, young people can equipped themselves with different moral lessons via such ways, which shape their personality traits. As a matter of fact, the youth allocate much time for reading books or immersing themselves in watching movies, however, these days there are various kinds of books or films that are out of control in terms of content. Not to mention that due to the early expose to the Internet among teenagers, it is challenge to limit children who do not old enough to approach to some kinds of films. This could bring about a situation where a large number of adolescent take in rudimentary knowledge or misunderstanding leading to wrong attitude.
With regard to factual experiences which is of great importance for every individuals. As can be seen in the fact that the more trouble we get into, the more invaluable lessons we can learn. It should not be forgotten that notwithstanding the depression from various failures that everyone need to go over, the moment of triumph is ineffably joyful, which is conductive to the maturity of the young. On the other side, the way of learning first-hand experiences is daunting making people feel so discouraged. The result of this trend is some young people would choose to give up in lieu of strive harder, which not only time-consuming but also induce the obsession in young people’s mindset whenever they need to deal with a challenge.
In conclusion, whether books, films or practical experiences all have merits and demerits, it is how young people learn through them that affects their behaviors.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Some people say that books or films are having more positive influence on young people’ behave than reality experiences." -> "Some argue that books or films exert a greater positive influence on the behavior of young people than real-life experiences."
    Explanation: Replacing "are having" with "exert" and modifying "young people’ behave" to "the behavior of young people" enhances formality and precision. Additionally, the term "argue" is more academically suitable than "say."

  2. "From my perspective, I deem that it is not sound to claim which way is better, in that each of which is have both pros and cons." -> "From my perspective, I believe it is not prudent to assert the superiority of one over the other, as each has its own set of advantages and disadvantages."
    Explanation: Substituting "deem" with "believe" contributes to a more straightforward and academic expression. Replacing "which way is better" with "assert the superiority of one over the other" introduces a more formal tone, and the phrase "prudent to assert" conveys a sense of caution.

  3. "To begin with, books and films impact strongly on young people’s awareness." -> "To begin with, books and films exert a significant impact on the awareness of young individuals."
    Explanation: Replacing "impact strongly on" with "exert a significant impact on" elevates the language to a more formal level. The term "young individuals" is a slightly more formal alternative to "young people," contributing to academic appropriateness.

  4. "Admitedlly, young people can equipped themselves with different moral lessons via such ways, which shape their personality traits." -> "Admittedly, young individuals can equip themselves with various moral lessons through these mediums, shaping their personality traits."
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "Admitedlly" to "Admittedly" and changing "can equipped" to "can equip" improves grammatical accuracy. Using "young individuals" maintains formality, and the phrase "various moral lessons" adds specificity to the content.

  5. "Not to mention that due to the early expose to the Internet among teenagers, it is challenge to limit children who do not old enough to approach to some kinds of films." -> "Furthermore, due to early exposure to the Internet among teenagers, it poses a challenge to restrict access for children who are not old enough to engage with certain types of films."
    Explanation: Replacing "Not to mention that" with "Furthermore" enhances the transition between sentences. Changing "it is challenge" to "it poses a challenge" provides a grammatically correct structure, and "engage with" is a more formal alternative to "approach to."

  6. "This could bring about a situation where a large number of adolescent take in rudimentary knowledge or misunderstanding leading to wrong attitude." -> "This could result in a situation where a considerable number of adolescents assimilate rudimentary knowledge or develop misunderstandings, leading to an inappropriate attitude."
    Explanation: Replacing "bring about" with "result in" improves precision, and using "adolescents" instead of "adolescent" aligns with proper pluralization. The phrase "assimilate rudimentary knowledge" enhances clarity, and "develop misunderstandings" is more formal than "misunderstanding leading to."

  7. "With regard to factual experiences which is of great importance for every individuals." -> "Regarding firsthand experiences, which are of great importance for every individual."
    Explanation: Correcting the grammatical structure by replacing "which is" with "which are" ensures proper agreement between the relative pronoun and its antecedent. The term "every individual" is a more formal expression than "every individuals."

  8. "It should not be forgotten that notwithstanding the depression from various failures that everyone need to go over, the moment of triumph is ineffably joyful, which is conductive to the maturity of the young." -> "It should not be overlooked that despite the challenges arising from various failures that everyone must overcome, the moment of triumph is ineffably joyful, contributing to the maturity of the young."
    Explanation: Replacing "forgotten" with "overlooked" maintains formality. Changing "that everyone need to go over" to "that everyone must overcome" improves grammatical accuracy and precision. The phrase "contributing to the maturity of the young" enhances clarity and academic tone.

  9. "On the other side, the way of learning first-hand experiences is daunting making people feel so discouraged." -> "On the other hand, the process of learning from firsthand experiences can be daunting and often leads to feelings of discouragement."
    Explanation: Replacing "On the other side" with "On the other hand" improves the transition between ideas. The phrase "process of learning from firsthand experiences" is more precise than "the way of learning first-hand experiences," and the use of "often" adds nuance.

  10. "The result of this trend is some young people would choose to give up in lieu of strive harder, which not only time-consuming but also induce the obsession in young people’s mindset whenever they need to deal with a challenge." -> "The consequence of this trend is that some young people might opt to give up instead of striving harder, which is not only time-consuming but also instills an obsession in the mindset of young individuals when faced with challenges."
    Explanation: Replacing "would choose to" with "might opt to" introduces a conditional tone. Changing "in lieu of strive harder" to "instead of striving harder" improves grammatical accuracy. The phrase "instills an obsession in the mindset of young individuals" is more formal and precise than the original expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Some people say that books or films are having more positive influence on young people’ behave than reality experiences. From my perspective, I deem that it is not sound to claim which way is better, in that each of which is have both pros and cons."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction provides a clear statement of your perspective, which is commendable. However, it lacks a concise summary of the main points you will discuss in the essay. To improve, consider adding a sentence outlining the two or three main reasons or examples you will use to support your viewpoint. This will provide the reader with a roadmap for your essay.
    • Improved example: "Some argue that books or films have a more positive impact on young people’s behavior than real-life experiences. While I believe it is not prudent to definitively declare which way is superior, as both avenues have their merits and drawbacks, this essay will explore the various aspects of this debate."
  2. Quoted text: "Admitedlly, young people can equipped themselves with different moral lessons via such ways, which shape their personality traits. As a matter of fact, the youth allocate much time for reading books or immersing themselves in watching movies, however, these days there are various kinds of books or films that are out of control in terms of content."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your point about books and films shaping young people’s personality traits is well-taken. However, the expression of this idea is somewhat convoluted. To enhance clarity, break down your ideas into shorter sentences. Additionally, provide specific examples or personal experiences to illustrate your point and strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "Undoubtedly, young individuals can glean valuable moral lessons from books and films, shaping their character. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that the extensive exposure to various forms of media poses challenges. For instance, the proliferation of content beyond parental control can lead to the inadvertent assimilation of rudimentary knowledge, fostering misconceptions and influencing attitudes."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other side, the way of learning first-hand experiences is daunting making people feel so discouraged. The result of this trend is some young people would choose to give up in lieu of strive harder, which not only time-consuming but also induce the obsession in young people’s mindset whenever they need to deal with a challenge."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your point about the challenges of learning from firsthand experiences is valid, but the expression is unclear. Simplify your language and consider breaking down complex sentences. Moreover, provide concrete examples or anecdotes from your own experiences or observations to bolster your argument.
    • Improved example: "Conversely, the process of acquiring firsthand experiences can be daunting, leading some individuals to feel discouraged. This discouragement may result in young people opting to abandon challenges rather than striving harder. Such a response is not only time-consuming but also fosters an unhealthy mindset, hindering their ability to effectively confront and overcome future challenges."

Overall, while your essay addresses the task and presents relevant ideas, improvements in sentence structure, clarity, and the inclusion of specific examples can elevate your essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to organize ideas coherently, with a general progression throughout. There’s an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, though some issues hinder the overall coherence. The introduction and conclusion encapsulate the discussion, but the body lacks clear paragraphing, leading to a slightly disjointed flow. Cohesive devices are used, yet at times, they are applied mechanically or improperly, causing disruptions in the flow of ideas. Some attempts at referencing are made, but they are inconsistent, affecting clarity.

How to improve: Focus on clearer paragraph structure to enhance coherence. Ensure the use of cohesive devices is more precise and natural to strengthen the connections between ideas. Work on referencing consistently within the text to maintain clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates an attempt to employ a varied range of vocabulary suitable for the task. There is a mix of less common lexical items used, showcasing an effort to express ideas. Some instances display a relatively sophisticated vocabulary. However, inaccuracies in word choice and collocation do occur, impacting the precision of expression. The essay attempts to convey ideas but often lacks fluency in lexical control. Additionally, there are noticeable errors in spelling and word formation, although they do not severely hinder understanding.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score:

  1. Work on enhancing vocabulary range further, incorporating more sophisticated and precise vocabulary.
  2. Pay close attention to word choice and collocation to convey ideas accurately.
  3. Focus on refining spelling and word formation to reduce errors, thereby enhancing clarity and coherence.

This essay displays potential but needs refinement in vocabulary choice, accuracy, and coherence to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there is an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. Some sentences lack clarity due to grammatical issues, impacting overall communication. The essay also includes instances of incorrect word choices and awkward phrasing, which hinder the flow of ideas. Despite these errors, the essay maintains a reasonable level of coherence.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider range of sentence structures more accurately. Paying attention to verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and correct word usage would enhance the overall clarity of the essay. Additionally, thorough proofreading is recommended to catch and rectify punctuation errors, ensuring that they do not interfere with the reader’s understanding. Working on precision in expression and refining language use will contribute to a more polished and error-free essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that books or films exert a more positive influence on the behavior of young people compared to real-life experiences. From my standpoint, asserting which method is superior is not straightforward, as each has its own advantages and disadvantages.

To commence, books and films significantly impact the awareness of young individuals. Undoubtedly, through these mediums, the youth can imbibe various moral lessons that shape their personality traits. It is a fact that young people allocate a substantial amount of time to reading books or immersing themselves in movies. However, in contemporary times, there is a plethora of books and films with unregulated content. Furthermore, with the early exposure to the Internet among teenagers, it becomes challenging to restrict children who are not mature enough to access certain types of films. This situation may lead to a scenario where a significant number of adolescents absorb rudimentary knowledge or develop misconceptions, resulting in misguided attitudes.

Turning attention to real-life experiences, which hold great significance for individuals. It is evident that the more challenges we encounter, the more invaluable lessons we can glean. It is crucial to remember that despite the setbacks and failures one faces, the moments of triumph are ineffably joyful, contributing to the maturation of the youth. On the flip side, the process of acquiring firsthand experiences can be daunting, making individuals feel discouraged. The consequence of this trend is that some young people may opt to give up rather than persevere, leading to not only a waste of time but also fostering a sense of obsession in their mindset whenever confronted with challenges.

In conclusion, whether through books, films, or practical experiences, each method has its merits and demerits. The impact on young people’s behavior depends on how they navigate and learn from these different sources.

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