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Young people who commit crimes should be treated the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Young people who commit crimes should be treated the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people assert that there should be the same punishments enacted on both juvenile delinquents and adults law breakers. This stance is akin to a double-edged sword, encompassing both positive and negative aspects. Yet, I do believe that drawbacks it bring is far more enormous than merits, and in this essay I will explain my own perspective of the matter.
To begin with proponents attributing to the same treatment on both young and adult criminals contend that any privilege of the young can be an incentive to encourage young offenders. Juvenile delinquents posesses rights being given pardon in most of the cases to avoid responsiblity of their wrongdoings, as a result, they have much more likelihood of commiting a crime or becoming recidivist. One case in point is in Vietnam, in 2017 a young man burglar broke into a house, accidentally killed 4 people in a family during the process of robbing. Ordinary punishment on that wrongdoings could be a capital punishment, yet he was underaged at that time, only received the sentence of 18 years imprisoning. Thus, people desire the same level of punishments on young offenders as adults to alleviate criminal behaviours in the young, furthermore maintaining the safety and security of society.
However, I hold a belief that the practice of enacting the same level of punishments on young delinquents as adults is unfair and improper in most cases because the distinctions in awareness ability between them. Teenagers are not clearly conscious about their surroundings, easily impulse to offend a crime, or break the law. Wrongdoings made by them which I believe the consequences of a series of unconcious actions, should be considered as the outcomes of impulsing age- where they desire to express themselves and underestimate the long-term effects that may cause on themselves and others. Unlike adults, they have a comprehensive vigilance about their society and surroundings, experiencing enough to start to take responsibility, moreover, they have a right to represent for themselves in the court, which I believe the juvenile does not possess. Therefore, laws and rules deginated for young criminals are absolutely appropriate for rehabilitating to become a good person in society.
To conclude, despite the fact that teenaged criminals avoiding responsiblity of their wrongdoings may cause potential risks on society, they should have their own rights and punishments desginated for them to have an opportunity of rehab.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Many people assert that there should be the same punishments enacted on both juvenile delinquents and adults law breakers." -> "Many individuals argue for uniform punishments for both juvenile delinquents and adult lawbreakers."
    Explanation: Replacing "assert" with "argue for" and restructuring the sentence with more formal vocabulary enhances the academic tone.

  2. "This stance is akin to a double-edged sword, encompassing both positive and negative aspects." -> "This perspective is analogous to a double-edged sword, considering both favorable and unfavorable aspects."
    Explanation: Substituting "stance" with "perspective" and using more precise terms like "analogous" and "considering" contributes to a more formal expression.

  3. "Yet, I do believe that drawbacks it bring is far more enormous than merits, and in this essay I will explain my own perspective of the matter." -> "However, I firmly believe that the drawbacks it brings far outweigh the merits, and in this essay, I will elucidate my perspective on the matter."
    Explanation: Replacing "Yet, I do believe" with "However, I firmly believe," correcting the subject-verb agreement, and using more sophisticated language improve the overall formality of the statement.

  4. "To begin with proponents attributing to the same treatment on both young and adult criminals contend that any privilege of the young can be an incentive to encourage young offenders." -> "Firstly, proponents advocating for uniform treatment of young and adult criminals contend that any leniency towards the young may serve as an incentive for juvenile offenders."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal language, such as "advocating for" instead of "attributing to," and provides a clearer structure for the argument.

  5. "Juvenile delinquents posesses rights being given pardon in most of the cases to avoid responsiblity of their wrongdoings…" -> "Juvenile delinquents possess rights that often entail pardons, allowing them to evade responsibility for their transgressions…"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb form from "posesses" to "possess," and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, results in a more academically appropriate expression.

  6. "Ordinary punishment on that wrongdoings could be a capital punishment…" -> "The standard punishment for such transgressions could entail capital punishment…"
    Explanation: Replacing "ordinary punishment" with "standard punishment" and restructuring the sentence for clarity enhances the formal tone.

  7. "Thus, people desire the same level of punishments on young offenders as adults to alleviate criminal behaviours in the young, furthermore maintaining the safety and security of society." -> "Hence, there is a public desire for equal punishments for young offenders and adults, aiming to mitigate criminal behaviors among the youth and, concurrently, uphold the safety and security of society."
    Explanation: The revision introduces more formal connectors like "Hence" and "concurrently," improving the flow and formality of the sentence.

  8. "However, I hold a belief that the practice of enacting the same level of punishments on young delinquents as adults is unfair and improper in most cases because the distinctions in awareness ability between them." -> "Nevertheless, I firmly believe that imposing equivalent punishments on young delinquents and adults is unjust and inappropriate in most instances due to disparities in their cognitive awareness."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language, such as "nevertheless," and specifies the basis for the unfairness, contributing to a more academic tone.

  9. "Teenagers are not clearly conscious about their surroundings, easily impulse to offend a crime, or break the law." -> "Teenagers are not distinctly conscious of their surroundings and are prone to impulsive criminal behavior or lawbreaking."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "easily impulse to offend a crime" with "prone to impulsive criminal behavior" enhances both formality and precision.

  10. "Wrongdoings made by them which I believe the consequences of a series of unconcious actions…" -> "Their wrongdoings, which I believe result from a series of unconscious actions…"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "made by them" with "result from" improves the overall formality and precision of the expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges both sides of the argument – the proponents’ viewpoint advocating for equal treatment of young and adult criminals and the author’s personal stance against it. The essay uses specific examples, such as the case in Vietnam, to support the argument.
    • How to improve: While the essay adequately addresses all parts of the question, providing more depth in the counter-argument section could strengthen the overall analysis. Offering additional examples or exploring the potential benefits of treating young offenders as adults could make the essay more well-rounded.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing the author’s disagreement with the notion of treating young and adult criminals alike. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing a consistent thread of argumentation.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the author’s position in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion. This will reinforce the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, providing examples and explanations to support each point. The case in Vietnam is well-detailed, offering a compelling argument against treating young offenders as adults.
    • How to improve: To extend ideas further, consider delving deeper into the potential consequences of treating young offenders as adults. Expanding on the long-term effects and societal implications would add depth to the analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the merits and drawbacks of treating young and adult criminals equally. However, there are minor instances where the focus could be sharper, such as the mention of "impulsing age."
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made directly relates to the question and contributes to the overall argument. Avoid vague terms like "impulsing age" without clear elaboration, maintaining precision in language to stay on topic more effectively.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and effectively presents a well-reasoned argument against treating young offenders the same as adults. Strengthening the counter-argument section, explicitly stating the author’s position, providing more depth in certain areas, and maintaining precision in language will further enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the argument, and each body paragraph explores a different aspect of the issue. However, the essay could benefit from a more refined structure within paragraphs to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider refining the internal structure of paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, supporting details, and a smooth transition to the next paragraph. This can enhance the overall flow of ideas and improve the essay’s coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas and arguments. However, some paragraphs could be more tightly focused on a single point, leading to a clearer presentation of ideas.
    • How to improve: Work on creating more focused paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and revolve around a central idea. Avoid introducing multiple concepts within a single paragraph to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "To begin with," "However," "To conclude"). While these help guide the reader through the essay, there’s room for improvement in the strategic use of cohesive devices to create stronger connections between sentences and ideas.
    • How to improve: Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and placing them strategically to enhance the coherence of the essay. This includes using pronouns, synonyms, and parallel structures to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to maintaining consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay effectively organizes information logically, uses paragraphs appropriately, and employs a range of cohesive devices. However, refining paragraph structures and strategically enhancing the use of cohesive devices can further improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is evidence of varied word choices, some repetition occurs, and certain phrases could be further diversified. For instance, the repeated use of "young offenders" and "young criminals" could be replaced with synonyms or alternative expressions to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, strive for greater synonym usage and explore alternative expressions. Consider using a thesaurus to identify synonyms for commonly used terms. Additionally, vary sentence structures to showcase a broader range of vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary is generally used with reasonable precision, but there are instances where more precise wording could enhance clarity. For example, the phrase "enacting the same level of punishments" could be refined to specify the nature of the punishment, providing a clearer picture to the reader.
    • How to improve: Work on specifying and refining vocabulary choices to avoid ambiguity. Clearly articulate the nature of punishments, providing specific details that enhance the reader’s understanding.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. However, there are a few instances where minor errors are present, such as "possesses" (possess) and "deginated" (designated).
    • How to improve: While overall spelling is good, careful proofreading to catch minor errors is essential. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to identify and correct such errors. Developing a habit of reviewing work before submission can further enhance spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of complex and compound sentences, but more complexity and diversity could enhance the overall quality. For instance, the use of complex sentences could be expanded to convey nuanced ideas and relationships between different points.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, try incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses, relative clauses, or varied sentence lengths. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and engaging writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues and awkward phrasing impact clarity. For example, "Many people assert that there should be the same punishments enacted on both juvenile delinquents and adults law breakers."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure to ensure clarity. Additionally, consider revising sentences for smoother flow and coherence. In the example mentioned, rephrasing to "Many people assert that there should be the same punishments for both juvenile delinquents and adult lawbreakers" would improve accuracy.

Overall, the essay is proficient in grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures for a more compelling and nuanced presentation. Additionally, careful attention to grammar and sentence construction will contribute to enhanced clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals argue for uniform punishments for both juvenile delinquents and adult lawbreakers. This perspective is analogous to a double-edged sword, considering both favorable and unfavorable aspects. However, I firmly believe that the drawbacks it brings far outweigh the merits, and in this essay, I will elucidate my perspective on the matter.

Firstly, proponents advocating for uniform treatment of young and adult criminals contend that any leniency towards the young may serve as an incentive for juvenile offenders. Juvenile delinquents possess rights that often entail pardons, allowing them to evade responsibility for their transgressions. This, in turn, increases the likelihood of them committing crimes or becoming recidivists. One case in point is from Vietnam in 2017, where a young man, a burglar, broke into a house, accidentally killing four people in a family during the robbery. The standard punishment for such transgressions could entail capital punishment, yet he was underage at that time, receiving only an 18-year imprisonment sentence. Hence, there is a public desire for equal punishments for young offenders and adults, aiming to mitigate criminal behaviors among the youth and, concurrently, uphold the safety and security of society.

Nevertheless, I firmly believe that imposing equivalent punishments on young delinquents and adults is unjust and inappropriate in most instances due to disparities in their cognitive awareness. Teenagers are not distinctly conscious of their surroundings and are prone to impulsive criminal behavior or lawbreaking. Their wrongdoings, which I believe result from a series of unconscious actions, should be considered as the outcomes of impulsive age—where they desire to express themselves and underestimate the long-term effects that may cause on themselves and others. Unlike adults, they lack comprehensive vigilance about their society and surroundings. They also lack the experience needed to fully comprehend the consequences of their actions, and unlike adults, they lack the right to represent themselves in the court. Therefore, laws and rules designated for young criminals are absolutely appropriate for rehabilitating them to become good contributors to society.

To conclude, despite the fact that teenage criminals avoiding responsibility for their wrongdoings may pose potential risks to society, they should have their own rights and punishments designated for them to have an opportunity for rehabilitation.

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