your favourite personal possession

When I go to university, my father gives me a new camera. Before then, I had owned a digital camera that wasn't very good. I'm very happy, and pleased to receive the camera. because taking photos is my favourite personal possession. It holds a special place in my heart be cause I really like to capture moments and preserve them I enjoy capturing. everyday moments such as family meals, recording videos. of family trips, and documenting friends and the beautiful scenery. What I like most about my camera is probably its memory capacticy and the color quality of its imagines. With its large chip, I can take photos and shoot videos as much as I want without worrying about storage . Overall, my camera is not just a piece of technology but it is a tool that help me to capture and share beautiful moments.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"When I go to university" -> "Upon entering university"
Explanation: "When I go to university" is colloquial and lacks the formality expected in academic writing. Replacing it with "Upon entering university" maintains clarity while elevating the language to a more formal level.
"gives me a new camera" -> "presents me with a new camera"
Explanation: "Gives me" is overly simplistic; "presents me with" is a more formal and suitable alternative for academic writing.
"wasn’t very good" -> "was subpar"
Explanation: "Wasn’t very good" lacks precision and formality. "Subpar" is a more concise and suitable term in academic writing.
"I’m very happy, and pleased to receive the camera." -> "I am delighted to receive the camera."
Explanation: "Very happy" is informal. "Delighted" is a more formal synonym. Combining "very happy" and "pleased" is redundant; using "delighted" conveys the sentiment effectively.
"taking photos is my favourite personal possession" -> "photography is my cherished hobby"
Explanation: "Taking photos is my favourite personal possession" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Photography is my cherished hobby" conveys the same meaning more elegantly and formally.
"It holds a special place in my heart because I really like to capture moments and preserve them I enjoy capturing." -> "It holds sentimental value for me as I enjoy capturing and preserving moments."
Explanation: The original sentence is verbose and repetitive. Condensing it into a single, more coherent statement improves clarity and maintains formality.
"everyday moments such as family meals" -> "mundane moments like family meals"
Explanation: "Everyday" is informal; "mundane" is a more suitable alternative. Additionally, "such as" is redundant and can be omitted for conciseness.
"recording videos of family trips" -> "documenting family trips through video recording"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat ambiguous. "Documenting family trips through video recording" clarifies the intended meaning in a formal manner.
"and documenting friends and the beautiful scenery" -> "and capturing moments with friends and picturesque landscapes"
Explanation: "Documenting friends" is unclear; "capturing moments with friends" is more precise. "The beautiful scenery" is somewhat informal; "picturesque landscapes" is a more sophisticated alternative.
"What I like most about my camera is probably its memory capacticy and the color quality of its imagines." -> "The features I appreciate most about my camera are its ample memory capacity and high color quality."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, using "appreciate" instead of "like," and correcting "imagines" to "images" improve the academic tone.
"With its large chip, I can take photos and shoot videos as much as I want without worrying about storage." -> "Its generous storage capacity allows me to capture photos and videos without concern for storage limitations."
Explanation: "Large chip" is informal; "generous storage capacity" is more appropriate. Rearranging the sentence for clarity and using "capture" instead of "take" enhance formality.
"Overall, my camera is not just a piece of technology but it is a tool that help me to capture and share beautiful moments." -> "In conclusion, my camera serves not only as a technological device but also as a tool facilitating the capture and sharing of precious moments."
Explanation: Enhancing formality by using "In conclusion" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and coherence. Replacing "help me" with "facilitating" improves precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the author’s favorite personal possession, which is their camera. It mentions how the camera holds sentimental value, enables the capturing of everyday moments, and highlights specific features like memory capacity and image quality.
- How to improve: While the essay touches upon the author’s attachment to their camera and its functionality, it could be enhanced by providing more depth and detail. Expanding on why the camera is their favorite possession and how it has impacted their life would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently portraying the camera as the author’s favorite personal possession. There is no ambiguity in the author’s stance, as they express their happiness and appreciation for the camera.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the author could explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This would reinforce the central theme of the essay and leave no room for doubt.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the camera and its significance, such as its role in capturing memories and the features that make it valuable to the author. However, these ideas lack depth and development, with minimal elaboration or examples provided.
- How to improve: To improve, the author should expand on their ideas by providing specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the importance of the camera in their life. Additionally, they could elaborate on how the camera has impacted their experiences and relationships.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the author’s favorite personal possession, which is their camera. However, there are slight deviations, such as briefly mentioning family meals and trips, which are related but not directly focused on the camera itself.
- How to improve: To stay more closely on topic, the author should ensure that all details provided relate directly to the camera and its significance as their favorite possession. Avoiding tangents about unrelated activities would help maintain focus and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of organization, albeit with some issues. The introduction introduces the topic of receiving a new camera and its importance to the writer, followed by a description of what the camera is used for and its features. However, there are inconsistencies in the flow of ideas, such as abrupt transitions between discussing the camera’s features and its sentimental value.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a clearer progression of ideas. Start with a strong introduction that directly addresses the essay prompt. Then, use body paragraphs to expand on specific aspects of the camera (e.g., its importance, features, and personal experiences). Finally, conclude by summarizing the camera’s significance.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks proper paragraph structure, resulting in a single, lengthy paragraph that combines multiple ideas without clear separation. This makes it challenging for the reader to follow distinct points and impacts the overall readability.
- How to improve: Divide the essay into paragraphs to organize related ideas. Start with an introductory paragraph that sets up the main topic (receiving the camera). Then, create separate paragraphs for discussing the camera’s features, its personal significance, and concluding thoughts. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea, supported by relevant details.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks cohesive devices, making it challenging to follow the flow of ideas. There is a notable absence of linking words or phrases that would help connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly.
- How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices to improve coherence. Use transition words and phrases (e.g., however, therefore, consequently) to connect sentences and show relationships between ideas. Additionally, employ referencing words (e.g., this, these) to link back to previously mentioned concepts or objects.

Overall, to enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, focus on improving the logical organization through clear paragraphing and the strategic use of cohesive devices. This will help streamline the flow of ideas and improve the reader’s understanding of the writer’s perspective on their favorite personal possession—the camera.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to the topic of photography and personal possessions. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to add depth and nuance to the discussion. For example, the essay repeats phrases like "taking photos," "capturing moments," and "family trips" without exploring more varied expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "taking photos," you could vary your phrasing with alternatives like "snapping pictures," "documenting memories," or "immortalizing experiences." Additionally, introducing specialized terms related to photography, such as "shutter speed," "aperture," or "composition," can enrich the vocabulary and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage in the essay is generally appropriate, but there are instances of imprecise language that could be refined for clarity and specificity. For instance, the phrase "everyday moments" could be further specified to provide a clearer picture of what kinds of moments the author enjoys capturing. Additionally, terms like "color quality" could be substituted with more precise descriptors to convey the exact attributes of the camera’s imaging capabilities.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by providing specific details and descriptors. Instead of "everyday moments," specify examples such as "joyful family gatherings," "quiet morning rituals," or "spontaneous adventures." Likewise, instead of "color quality," consider using terms like "vivid hues," "accurate color reproduction," or "sharp contrast." Such precise language adds depth and clarity to the description, allowing readers to better understand the author’s experiences and preferences.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "capacticy" (capacity) and "imagines" (images). While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools available in word processing software or online platforms. Additionally, proofreading your writing carefully before submission can help catch any spelling errors that may have been overlooked. Developing a habit of reviewing and correcting spelling mistakes will contribute to producing polished and error-free written work in the future.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex structures such as compound-complex sentences or varied clause structures. The predominant structure is simple sentences, which, while clear, could be enriched for better cohesion and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and variety, consider incorporating complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or sentences with embedded clauses. This could involve using conjunctions like "although," "while," or "since" to add depth and complexity to your sentences. Additionally, vary sentence length and structure to maintain reader engagement and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are some errors present that affect clarity and precision. For example, there are instances of incorrect verb tense usage ("because taking photos is my favourite personal possession") and subject-verb agreement issues ("imagines" should be "images"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas and periods throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on reviewing and practicing verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement rules. Pay attention to sentence structure to ensure clarity and coherence. Additionally, practice using punctuation marks correctly, including commas for separating clauses and periods for ending sentences. Consider proofreading your essays carefully to catch and correct any errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an adequate level of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation usage for a higher band score. Incorporating more varied sentence structures and ensuring precise grammar and punctuation will enhance the overall clarity and sophistication of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Upon entering university, my father presented me with a new camera. Previously, I owned a digital camera that was subpar. I am delighted to receive the camera, as photography is my cherished hobby. It holds sentimental value for me as I enjoy capturing and preserving moments, from mundane family meals to documenting family trips through video recording, and capturing moments with friends and picturesque landscapes. The features I appreciate most about my camera are its ample memory capacity and high color quality. Its generous storage capacity allows me to capture photos and videos without concern for storage limitations. In conclusion, my camera serves not only as a technological device but also as a tool facilitating the capture and sharing of precious moments.