Many animal species are becoming extinct. Some believe countries and individuals should take actions to solve this problem. Do you agree or disagree with this idea?

There is an argument that concerned environmental issues should include animal problems, especially the method that helps reduce the risk of animal extinction should be carried out. From my perspective, animals play a very important role in human’s lives, so I totally agree with this idea.
On the one hand, if people want to take measures to prevent the extinction of animals, they have to consider the effects of those measures on human lives and the whole ecosystem in general. Firstly, some governments would place an extra burden on people, who are struggling to pay for their living, if they allocated their budget to animal issues. There is a fact that there would not be enough resources to maintain policies to develop citizens' lives when authorities spend money on environmental problems due to a government’s budget for developing their nations is limited. Secondly, there are various industries that consider relying heavily on animals as major materials for their products such as food, clothes or medicine. There is a fact that those factories will be shut down when governments apply the laws for animal protection, and the labor market will be affected in a negative way.
On the other hand, there are several reasons why we should prevent animals from becoming extinct. Firstly, agricultural workers can benefit a lot from the natural food chain as they can reduce the cost to protect their plants by using natural enemies of insects and worms. For example, the population of insects and worms which had been over the consuming of agricultural products could be controlled by birds. Secondly, the disappearance of any species can upset the balance of nature and change the ecosystem completely. This leads to the fact that many creatures will suffer the change in the food chain and the biodiversity will be destroyed.
In conclusion, in my opinion, we should try to prevent animals from extinction so that we will not face unexpected disasters caused by the change of ecosystem.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"especially the method that helps reduce the risk of animal extinction should be carried out." -> "particularly the strategies aimed at mitigating the risk of animal extinction should be implemented."
Explanation: Replacing "especially the method that helps reduce the risk of animal extinction should be carried out" with "particularly the strategies aimed at mitigating the risk of animal extinction should be implemented" uses more formal and precise language while maintaining clarity.
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is slightly informal; "In my view" is a more formal and common phrase in academic writing.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is more appropriate for informal discussions. In academic writing, "Firstly" is a more formal transition phrase.
"there is a fact that" -> "it is a fact that"
Explanation: "There is a fact that" is somewhat redundant and informal. "It is a fact that" is a more direct and formal way to introduce a fact.
"if people want to take measures" -> "if individuals wish to implement measures"
Explanation: Replacing "if people want to take measures" with "if individuals wish to implement measures" uses more formal language and avoids the informal "want."
"those factories will be shut down" -> "such factories may be forced to cease operations"
Explanation: The phrase "those factories will be shut down" is somewhat informal. Using "such factories may be forced to cease operations" is more formal and precise.
"the labor market will be affected in a negative way" -> "the labor market will be adversely impacted"
Explanation: "Affected in a negative way" can be replaced with the more formal and concise "adversely impacted."
"there are several reasons why" -> "there are several compelling rationales for"
Explanation: Substituting "there are several reasons why" with "there are several compelling rationales for" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.
"agricultural workers can benefit a lot" -> "agricultural workers can derive significant benefits"
Explanation: "Benefit a lot" is informal. Using "derive significant benefits" is more academically appropriate.
"the disappearance of any species" -> "the extinction of any species"
Explanation: "The disappearance of any species" can be replaced with the more specific "the extinction of any species" for greater clarity.
"This leads to the fact that" -> "This results in"
Explanation: "This leads to the fact that" is wordy and less formal. "This results in" is a concise and formal alternative.
"we should try to prevent animals from extinction" -> "we should endeavor to prevent animal extinction"
Explanation: "Try to prevent animals from extinction" can be replaced with the more formal "endeavor to prevent animal extinction."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Quoted text: "There is an argument that concerned environmental issues should include animal problems, especially the method that helps reduce the risk of animal extinction should be carried out. From my perspective, animals play a very important role in human’s lives, so I totally agree with this idea."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction provides a clear stance, which is good. However, it lacks a brief overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Adding a preview of the supporting arguments can improve the structure and make it easier for the reader to anticipate the content.
- Improved example: "There is an ongoing debate regarding the inclusion of animal-related issues within broader environmental concerns, particularly regarding measures to mitigate the risk of animal extinction. From my perspective, animals hold a pivotal role in human lives, and I strongly support the notion that concerted efforts should be made to prevent their extinction. In this essay, I will delve into the reasons behind this viewpoint."
Quoted text: "On the one hand, if people want to take measures to prevent the extinction of animals, they have to consider the effects of those measures on human lives and the whole ecosystem in general."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This sentence introduces a counter-argument effectively. However, it lacks specific examples or elaboration to support the point. To improve, provide concrete examples or scenarios that illustrate how efforts to prevent animal extinction might have adverse effects on human lives or the ecosystem.
- Improved example: "On the one hand, when individuals and governments endeavor to safeguard animal species from extinction, it is imperative to carefully weigh the potential consequences on human lives and the broader ecosystem. For instance, allocating a significant portion of a nation’s budget to animal protection could strain resources, hindering other vital areas of development such as education and healthcare."
Quoted text: "Secondly, there are various industries that consider relying heavily on animals as major materials for their products such as food, clothes or medicine. There is a fact that those factories will be shut down when governments apply the laws for animal protection, and the labor market will be affected in a negative way."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This point mentions the potential economic impact on industries but lacks specific examples or evidence to support the argument. To enhance this section, provide real-world examples of industries that heavily rely on animals and explain how stricter animal protection laws might affect them.
- Improved example: "Secondly, numerous industries, including the food, fashion, and pharmaceutical sectors, heavily depend on animals as primary raw materials. For instance, stringent animal protection regulations could lead to the closure of fur farms, impacting the livelihoods of those employed in the fur industry and potentially causing job losses."
Quoted text: "Firstly, agricultural workers can benefit a lot from the natural food chain as they can reduce the cost to protect their plants by using natural enemies of insects and worms. For example, the population of insects and worms which had been over the consuming of agricultural products could be controlled by birds. Secondly, the disappearance of any species can upset the balance of nature and change the ecosystem completely. This leads to the fact that many creatures will suffer the change in the food chain and the biodiversity will be destroyed."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This section presents reasons to prevent animal extinction effectively. However, the explanation and examples could be more precise. Instead of a general mention of "natural enemies of insects and worms," provide specific examples of how certain animals contribute to pest control in agriculture.
- Improved example: "Firstly, agricultural workers can significantly benefit from the natural food chain by harnessing the role of specific animals as natural predators of insects and worms. For instance, birds like sparrows and ladybugs are known to control pest populations, reducing the need for costly chemical pesticides. Secondly, the disappearance of any species can disrupt the delicate balance of ecosystems, leading to cascading effects throughout the food chain. For example, if predatory species like wolves vanish, herbivore populations may surge, resulting in overgrazing and habitat degradation."

Overall, the essay presents a clear stance and addresses various aspects of the topic. However, it would benefit from providing more specific examples and enhancing the depth of analysis in some sections to strengthen the argument further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, but there are areas for improvement. It arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively to connect sentences and ideas. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences, which affect the overall flow. The essay also uses paragraphing, but not always logically. While there is an attempt to present a central topic within each paragraph, the organization could be improved for better clarity.

How to improve:

Sentence-Level Cohesion: Pay closer attention to the cohesion within and between sentences. Ensure that the use of cohesive devices, such as transitional words and phrases, is accurate and smooth to improve the overall flow of the essay.
Paragraph Structure: Work on a more logical and consistent paragraph structure. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and support the main idea effectively.
Clarity of Ideas: Focus on providing clearer explanations and examples to support your arguments. This will help readers follow your line of reasoning more easily.
Grammar and Syntax: Review and edit for grammar and sentence structure to enhance overall clarity and coherence.

Overall, with some improvements in cohesion and paragraph organization, this essay could achieve a higher band score for coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary in some places, but there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For example, "the method that helps reduce the risk of animal extinction should be carried out" could be expressed more naturally. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "over the consuming" instead of "overconsumption."

The essay makes a reasonable attempt to discuss the topic and uses vocabulary related to the environment and animal extinction. However, the vocabulary and expression lack the sophistication and precision required for higher bands. For instance, phrases like "extra burden on people" and "struggling to pay for their living" could be expressed more eloquently.

How to improve:

Enhance vocabulary usage: Aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and precise terms related to the topic of animal extinction and environmental issues. Avoid overly simplistic phrases.
Work on word choice and collocation: Pay close attention to the choice of words and how they fit together in sentences. Ensure that your word choices are natural and appropriate for the context.
Proofread for spelling and word formation: Carefully review your essay to eliminate spelling and word formation errors. Use tools like spell checkers and grammar checkers to assist you.
Practice writing: Continue practicing writing essays on various topics to improve your overall writing skills, including vocabulary and expression.
Seek feedback: Ask for feedback from teachers or peers to identify specific areas where you can improve your lexical resource and overall essay quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and some complex forms. While the majority of sentences are error-free, there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally affect the clarity and flow of the essay. The essay attempts to use complex structures but falls short in terms of accuracy in a few instances. These errors, however, do not significantly reduce the overall communication.

The essay discusses the topic adequately and provides reasons both in favor of and against taking actions to prevent animal extinction. It maintains a relatively clear progression of ideas and contains relevant examples to support the arguments.

How to improve:

Work on grammatical accuracy: Review and revise the essay for grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and article usage. This will help eliminate minor errors that occasionally affect clarity.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation, especially comma usage, to ensure that sentences are well-structured and easy to understand.
Complex sentences: Continue to incorporate complex sentence structures but ensure their accuracy. Avoid overcomplicating sentences to maintain clarity.
Proofreading: After writing, thoroughly proofread the essay to catch and correct any remaining errors. This will enhance the overall grammatical accuracy and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an argument that environmental concerns should encompass issues related to animals, especially methods aimed at reducing the risk of animal extinction. From my perspective, animals play a significant role in human lives, so I completely agree with this idea.

On one hand, when considering measures to prevent the extinction of animals, it is essential to weigh the effects of these measures on human lives and the overall ecosystem. Firstly, some governments might impose additional financial burdens on individuals already struggling to meet their basic needs if they allocate their budget to address animal-related issues. It is a fact that there may not be sufficient resources available to support policies aimed at improving citizens’ lives when governments allocate funds to address environmental problems, given that a government’s budget for national development is limited. Secondly, various industries heavily rely on animals as primary materials for their products, including food, clothing, or medicine. It is a fact that these factories may face closure if governments implement laws to protect animals, which could negatively impact the labor market.

On the other hand, there are several reasons why we should strive to prevent animals from becoming extinct. Firstly, agricultural workers can derive significant benefits from the natural food chain, as they can reduce costs associated with protecting their crops by utilizing natural predators of insects and worms. For example, birds can help control the population of insects and worms that have been causing excessive damage to agricultural products. Secondly, the disappearance of any species can disrupt the balance of nature and lead to a complete transformation of the ecosystem. This, in turn, results in many species experiencing changes in their food chain, leading to a loss of biodiversity.

In conclusion, in my opinion, we should make efforts to prevent animal extinction to avoid unforeseen disasters caused by ecosystem changes.