The chart below gives information about main reason for migration to/from the UK, in 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below gives information about main reason for migration to/from the UK, in 2007.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given pie charts illustrate a comprehensive overview of the percentage of main causes for immigration and emigration in the United Kingdom, in the year 2007. Apparent from the statistical data, having definite occupation was the leading reason for migration in UK. Also noteworthy is the fact that the most outstanding disparity can be seen in the data for formal study.
Further inspection reveals that the proportion of the reason who had definite job for immigration and emigration were relatively identical, reported to be 30% and 29%, respectively. Meanwhile, 26 % of the immigration was caused by formal study, which was over 6 times higher than the figure for the emigration by this reason, occupied 4%. Likewise, the percentage of the reason for immigration by accompany and join was 15%, in comparison with 13% of their counterparts in emigration.
Conversely, the figure for the emigration by looking for work commanded 22%, that for the immigration occupied 12%, being 10% lower than the former. Similarly, the data for the emigration by no reason stated exceeded that for their counterparts in the immigration by a moderate margin, with respective figures being 18% and 6%. Whereas, there were 14% of migrants and 11% of immigrants for other reasons.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "the percentage of main causes" -> "the proportion of primary factors"
   Explanation: Replacing "the percentage of main causes" with "the proportion of primary factors" enhances precision and formality by using more specific and accurate terminology.

2. "having definite occupation" -> "possessing a specific occupation"
   Explanation: Substituting "having definite occupation" with "possessing a specific occupation" introduces a more formal expression without losing clarity, contributing to a more academically appropriate tone.

3. "Also noteworthy is the fact that" -> "It is worth noting that"
   Explanation: Changing "Also noteworthy is the fact that" to "It is worth noting that" maintains emphasis on the significance of the observation while adopting a more formal and concise structure.

4. "the most outstanding disparity" -> "the most significant disparity"
   Explanation: Replacing "the most outstanding disparity" with "the most significant disparity" conveys the idea with a higher level of precision and formality.

5. "proportion of the reason" -> "percentage of individuals"
   Explanation: Substituting "proportion of the reason" with "percentage of individuals" clarifies the reference to the demographic group and improves the overall clarity of the sentence.

6. "reported to be" -> "was"
   Explanation: Simplifying "reported to be" to "was" streamlines the expression without compromising on accuracy, aligning with academic writing standards.

7. "over 6 times higher than the figure" -> "more than six times higher than the corresponding figure"
   Explanation: Changing "over 6 times higher than the figure" to "more than six times higher than the corresponding figure" provides a more precise and formal comparison.

8. "the reason who had definite job" -> "individuals with a specific job"
   Explanation: Substituting "the reason who had definite job" with "individuals with a specific job" improves grammatical correctness and clarifies the reference to the demographic group.

9. "occupied 4%" -> "constituted 4%"
   Explanation: Replacing "occupied 4%" with "constituted 4%" adds formality and accuracy to the description of the percentage.

10. "the reason for immigration by accompany and join" -> "immigration for accompanying and joining purposes"
    Explanation: Changing "the reason for immigration by accompany and join" to "immigration for accompanying and joining purposes" enhances clarity and formalizes the expression.

11. "their counterparts in the immigration" -> "their counterparts among immigrants"
    Explanation: Substituting "their counterparts in the immigration" with "their counterparts among immigrants" improves the precision of the reference.

12. "the figure for the emigration by looking for work" -> "the percentage of emigration due to job-seeking"
    Explanation: Transforming "the figure for the emigration by looking for work" into "the percentage of emigration due to job-seeking" maintains clarity and elevates the formality of the language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It provides a summary of the main reasons for migration to/from the UK in 2007, covering occupations, formal study, accompanying and joining, looking for work, and unspecified reasons. However, the analysis is somewhat limited, and there is room for more detailed exploration.
  • How to Improve: To enhance task response, consider expanding on each reason, providing more in-depth analysis and exploring potential interrelationships between the reasons. Also, ensure that all key aspects of the prompt, such as making relevant comparisons, are thoroughly addressed.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently presenting information about the main reasons for migration in the UK in 2007. The stance is evident, with a focus on factual presentation rather than expressing personal opinions.
  • How to Improve: Continue to uphold this clarity. However, to elevate the response, consider providing more nuanced insights or interpretations where appropriate, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the data.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas about various reasons for migration, including occupations, formal study, accompanying, looking for work, and unspecified reasons. However, the development is somewhat basic, lacking in-depth exploration or discussion of the implications of the data.
  • How to Improve: To enhance this aspect, elaborate on the significance of the presented data. Discuss potential implications, trends, or societal impacts of the migration reasons. Provide more context to make the information more insightful and engaging for the reader.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the main reasons for migration to/from the UK in 2007. However, there are instances where the wording is convoluted, and the connection between ideas could be clearer.
  • How to Improve: Streamline the language to improve coherence. Ensure that each paragraph and sentence contributes directly to the understanding of the reasons for migration. Clarify any ambiguous statements to maintain a focused and well-organized essay.

In summary, while the essay successfully addresses the key elements of the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, coherence, and contextualization of the presented data. By expanding on ideas, providing more nuanced insights, and refining language for clarity, the essay can elevate its overall response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introductory statement summarizing the key points and provides a clear overview of the main causes for migration. The use of transitions such as "meanwhile" and "conversely" helps connect ideas and create a coherent flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the connection between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph builds on the previous one, creating a seamless progression. Additionally, pay attention to the internal organization of paragraphs to maintain a clear and consistent structure.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present information, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the data. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph transitions and coherence. Some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences to guide the reader.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by providing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain a cohesive narrative.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices, such as transition words ("meanwhile," "conversely"), to connect ideas and show relationships between different data points. However, there is room to diversify the use of cohesive devices for a more nuanced and sophisticated presentation.
  • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases. This will contribute to a richer, more varied expression of ideas. Ensure that the use of cohesive devices is strategic and enhances the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization of information, strengthening paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices can elevate the overall quality of the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly varied range of vocabulary, including terms like "disparity," "formal study," "accompany and join," and "commanded." However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical range, consider integrating more advanced vocabulary related to migration and statistics. For instance, instead of using "noteworthy," opt for terms like "remarkable" or "striking." Additionally, explore nuanced synonyms for common words to add depth to the expression.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary appropriately; however, there are instances where precision could be enhanced. For example, the phrase "the proportion of the reason who had definite job" might benefit from a more specific term like "employment-related migration." Precision in language can contribute to a clearer and more sophisticated presentation.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting terms that precisely convey the intended meaning. Review the essay for opportunities to replace general expressions with more specific vocabulary. This will enhance the overall clarity and impact of your language.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "the reason who had definite job" (it should be "the individuals who had a definite job"). These minor errors do not significantly impede understanding, but improving spelling precision can further enhance the professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to details. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch minor errors. Additionally, focus on common areas of confusion, such as subject-verb agreement and singular/plural forms.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, with opportunities for refinement. Emphasizing precision and incorporating a more diverse vocabulary will contribute to a more sophisticated and impactful expression of ideas. Additionally, careful proofreading can help eliminate minor spelling errors, further elevating the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied use of sentence structures. Complex sentences are employed, such as in the opening sentence, "Apparent from the statistical data, having a definite occupation was the leading reason for migration in the UK." However, there is a tendency to rely on simple sentence structures throughout the essay, which affects the overall variety. A more strategic use of complex and compound-complex structures could enhance the essay’s coherence and fluency.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound-complex sentences. For instance, instead of relying on simple sentences consistently, try combining ideas to create more sophisticated structures. This can contribute to a more nuanced and articulate expression of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of minor errors. For example, in the sentence "the proportion of the reason who had a definite job for immigration and emigration were relatively identical," the use of "reason" should be pluralized to "reasons." Additionally, there are occasional punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases, like in "Conversely, the figure for the emigration by looking for work commanded 22%," where a comma after "Conversely" would enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in pluralization. Regarding punctuation, review the rules for comma usage, especially after introductory phrases. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct these minor errors, improving overall grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts offer a comprehensive overview of the main reasons for immigration and emigration in the United Kingdom in 2007. Notably, having a specific occupation was the primary factor influencing migration in the UK. It is worth noting that the most significant disparity in the data is observed in the category of formal study.

Upon closer examination, the proportion of individuals migrating and emigrating for a definite job was relatively similar, accounting for 30% and 29%, respectively. Meanwhile, the percentage of immigration driven by formal study was 26%, more than six times higher than the corresponding figure for emigration, which stood at 4%. Additionally, 15% of individuals migrated due to accompanying or joining reasons, compared to 13% of their counterparts in emigration.

Conversely, emigration for job-seeking purposes constituted 22%, while immigration for the same reason occupied 12%, indicating a notable 10% difference. Similarly, the data for emigration without a stated reason exceeded that of immigration by a moderate margin, with respective figures being 18% and 6%. Finally, 14% of migrants and 11% of immigrants cited other reasons for their migration.