In recent years, the family structure and the role of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?

Recently, the structure of a family as well as the role of family members steadily experience a lot of changes. The nuclear family is substituting for extended family in the past while the family responsibility is shared between husband and wife. In my point of view, the advantages of those changes seem to overweight their disadvantages.
It is true that the popularity of nuclear family is significantly increasing and this shift can be resulted from many reasons. The industrialization is considered to be one of the main contributors when it is likely that a large figure of the young decides to marry and settle in the city to develop their career path wheares their parents is still living in the hometown. In addition, gender role in a family is an upheaval when the family responsibility, including finance burden and housework is shared equally. The women have their career to earn money as well as the men have responsibility to help their wife do housework and take care of offspring. It is completely opposite to the past, where earning is the burden on the shoulders of the men and the women stay at home, take care all family members.
I believe these changes are positive personally when they have contributed to the development of the society due to several benefits. With regard to nuclear family, it can avoid the potential problems of generation gap, which causes inconveniences in daily life. For instance, it is unpleasant for both generations when the old value the tranquility while the children are always making noises and crying. In addition, the equality in family responsibility plays a crucial role in keeping the balance between men and women, which is rising the value of Vietnamese women. This shift contributes to build the sustainable happiness of each family and reduce the rate of divorces.
In conclusion, both the family structure and gender role is perhaps changing in a positive way, which create the valuable advantages and modernize the universal human development.

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Errors and Improvements:

"steadily experience a lot of changes" -> "are steadily undergoing numerous changes"
Explanation: The phrase "are steadily undergoing numerous changes" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone of the sentence.
"substituting for" -> "replacing"
Explanation: "Replacing" is a more direct and academically appropriate term than "substituting for" in this context.
"In my point of view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing.
"seem to overweight their disadvantages" -> "appear to outweigh their disadvantages"
Explanation: "Appear to outweigh" is more academically precise than "seem to overweight," which is incorrect in this context.
"can be resulted from many reasons" -> "can result from numerous factors"
Explanation: "Can result from numerous factors" is more accurate and formal, avoiding the passive construction of "can be resulted from many reasons."
"a large figure of the young" -> "a significant number of young people"
Explanation: "A significant number of young people" is more specific and appropriate for formal writing than "a large figure of the young."
"wheares" -> "whereas"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error to "whereas," enhancing the professionalism of the text.
"is an upheaval" -> "has undergone significant changes"
Explanation: "Has undergone significant changes" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea of upheaval in this context.
"finance burden" -> "financial burden"
Explanation: "Financial burden" is the correct term, aligning with formal academic language.
"help their wife do housework" -> "assist their spouses with household chores"
Explanation: "Assist their spouses with household chores" is more inclusive and formal than "help their wife do housework."
"take care all family members" -> "take care of all family members"
Explanation: Adding "of" corrects the grammatical error, improving the sentence’s clarity and formality.
"personally when they have contributed" -> "as they have contributed"
Explanation: Removing "personally" and starting with "as" makes the sentence more objective and suited for academic writing.
"due to several benefits" -> "owing to numerous advantages"
Explanation: "Owing to numerous advantages" is a more formal expression than "due to several benefits."
"can avoid the potential problems" -> "can circumvent potential issues"
Explanation: "Can circumvent potential issues" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"is unpleasant for both generations when" -> "proves to be unpleasant for both generations as"
Explanation: "Proves to be unpleasant for both generations as" flows better and is more formal, improving the sentence structure.
"rising the value of Vietnamese women" -> "elevating the status of Vietnamese women"
Explanation: "Elevating the status of Vietnamese women" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context than "rising the value."
"contributes to build the sustainable happiness" -> "contributes to building sustainable happiness"
Explanation: "Contributes to building sustainable happiness" corrects the grammatical structure, making it more suitable for formal writing.
"both the family structure and gender role is" -> "both the family structure and gender roles are"
Explanation: Corrects the subject-verb agreement to "are" and makes "role" plural for consistency and clarity.
"create the valuable advantages" -> "yield significant advantages"
Explanation: "Yield significant advantages" is a more formal and precise way of expressing the benefits.
"modernize the universal human development" -> "modernize universal human development"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "universal human development" improves the flow and maintains formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by discussing the changes in family structure and the roles of family members, as well as offering a clear opinion on whether these changes are positive or negative.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support the points made and ensure a comprehensive coverage of all aspects of the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the changes in family structure and roles are positive.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, it could be strengthened by presenting a more nuanced argument that acknowledges potential counterarguments or complexities within the topic.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the shift from extended to nuclear families and the evolving gender roles within families. However, some ideas could be further extended and supported with additional evidence or elaboration.
- How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more detailed examples or statistics to support the claims made, which would enhance the depth of analysis and argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the changes in family structure and roles as prompted. However, there are minor instances where the discussion could be more tightly focused.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and avoids tangential discussions or irrelevant details.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments supporting the positive aspects of the changes in family structure and roles, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples, strengthening the argumentation, and maintaining tighter focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a different aspect of the topic, covering the shift from extended to nuclear families and the changing gender roles within families. However, there are some instances where the progression of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing the reasons for the increase in nuclear families and the changing gender roles feels slightly abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions logically to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different aspects of the discussion. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, such as the reasons for the rise of nuclear families or the benefits of gender equality within families. However, some paragraphs could be more developed to provide deeper analysis and support for the main arguments.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Then, provide supporting details and examples to reinforce the argument presented in the topic sentence. Consider elaborating on ideas to add depth and complexity to the discussion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. For instance, it uses transitional phrases like "It is true that" and "In addition" to signal shifts between ideas. Additionally, pronouns such as "it" and "this" are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of cohesive devices used.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider variety of transition words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," or "on the other hand." Additionally, consider using cohesive devices like parallel structure or repetition to reinforce key points and create cohesion within and between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "nuclear family," "industrialization," "gender role," "burden," "tranquility," and "divorces." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, there’s repetition of phrases like "family responsibility" and "changes," which could be substituted with synonyms to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enrich the vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and more specific terminology where applicable. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "family responsibility," you could vary your language with terms like "domestic duties," "parental obligations," or "household tasks." Additionally, utilizing more advanced vocabulary related to societal shifts and familial dynamics would enhance the sophistication of your essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the advantages of those changes seem to overweight their disadvantages" could be refined for clarity and precision. "Overweight" may not be the most precise term in this context, as it might suggest a literal comparison of weights rather than a balance of benefits and drawbacks.
- How to improve: Strive for greater precision by selecting words that accurately convey your intended meaning. In this case, you might consider revising the sentence to something like, "The benefits of these changes appear to outweigh their drawbacks," which provides a clearer expression of the intended idea. Additionally, carefully consider the connotations of each word to ensure they align with your intended message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with only minor errors observed, such as "wheares" (whereas) and "upheaval" (upheaval). Overall, spelling accuracy is satisfactory but could benefit from closer attention to detail.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing strategies such as proofreading carefully before submission, utilizing spell-check tools, and practicing spelling through writing exercises. Additionally, paying attention to common spelling patterns and frequently misspelled words can help enhance overall accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence structures throughout the essay, although some structures are repetitive or overly simplistic. For example, there is a consistent use of compound sentences without much variation in complexity. Additionally, there are instances where more complex structures could have been employed to enhance clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence types, such as complex-compound sentences, conditional sentences, and rhetorical questions. Utilizing introductory phrases, appositives, and subordinate clauses can also add depth and sophistication to your writing. Aim for a balance between simple and complex structures to maintain clarity and readability while showcasing your grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are notable instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the family responsibility is shared," should be "the family responsibility are shared"), incorrect verb tense ("whereas their parents is still living," should be "whereas their parents are still living"), and awkward phrasing ("it can avoid the potential problems of generation gap," could be revised to "it can help avoid potential problems related to generation gaps"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review and revise your writing carefully. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Consider using grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and correct errors effectively. Practice writing in varied contexts to reinforce grammatical rules and enhance overall proficiency. Additionally, proofreading your essay multiple times before submission can help catch any lingering errors and ensure clarity and precision in your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, the structure of families and the roles of their members are steadily undergoing numerous changes. The traditional extended family is being replaced by the nuclear family model, and responsibilities within families are being redistributed between spouses. From my perspective, the advantages of these changes appear to outweigh their disadvantages.

It is true that the prevalence of the nuclear family is increasing significantly, and this shift can result from numerous factors. Industrialization is considered one of the main contributors. Many young individuals choose to marry and settle in urban areas to pursue career opportunities, while their parents remain in their hometowns. Additionally, there has been a significant shift in gender roles