Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social, and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Nowadays, the young generation are confronting a variety of pressures from different aspects, including academic, social and commercial, caused by numerous reasons. In this essay, I will elaborate thoroughly the main culprit of the tension in children in order to propose some solutions to address this problem.
There are some compelling reasons to believe that the press is the leading cause of creating pressure in children. This is because they always spread the news of showing outstanding results of genius students from a wider range of ages. Consequently, when the children are exposed in the long term to this type of news, they are more likely to compare their ability with those of superior talent and feel inferior to them, resulting in the serious tension. Additionally, another factor leading to the pressure on children these days is globalization. Due to this tendency, children not only compete with their friends within their region or country but also with foreigners in different fields, from study to sports or skills. It also means that in the future, the labor market will be more competitive for the next generation, leading to higher risk of unemployment. As a result, children have a great burden on being the best in the society for the purpose of being employed.
Some may consider that the pressure is essential for the success of children in the future, however, if children are not capable of controlling their emotions, it will leave a regrettable consequences for them as suicide or depression. Therefore, to address and prevent these cases, the government should reform education. For instance, the authorities are capable of encouraging schools to design and start some courses to educate students about the pressure and how to overcome it. Moreover, through this course, students are educated about the essential skills for confronting the challenges of globalization for the purpose of using the internet properly, leading to the capability of information analysis and selection. Besides, the authorities should cooperate with the press and schools to hold some events or campaigns to raise awareness of both parents and children about this pressure in order to avoid the unnecessary pressure on the young generation. As a result, because of the high awareness of the community, children are less likely to have pressure and have better life quality. In addition, because of the increase in the competition between native and foreign employees, the authorities need to discuss carefully about how to increase the career opportunities as well as the competitive advantages of local ones. If they can find effective solutions to solve this, the pressure on the next generation will decrease significantly.
In conclusion, pressure is sometimes necessary for human life, however, with the object are children who seem to have lack of life experience, it will lead to some negative impacts on those. That’s the reason why the government, schools and parents should take some decisive actions to protect their precious young generation of the country.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Nowadays" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In contemporary society" is more formal and precise than "Nowadays," enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"young generation are confronting" -> "younger generation is confronting"
Explanation: "Younger generation" is more accurate, and "is" agrees with the singular collective noun "generation."
"caused by numerous reasons" -> "attributable to numerous factors"
Explanation: "Attributable to numerous factors" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better than "caused by numerous reasons."
"elaborate thoroughly" -> "expound in detail"
Explanation: "Expound in detail" is a more formal way to express the idea of discussing something thoroughly, enhancing the academic tone.
"main culprit of the tension" -> "primary cause of this tension"
Explanation: "Primary cause" is more precise and academically appropriate than "main culprit," which can sound too informal.
"the press is the leading cause of creating pressure" -> "media outlets are a principal source of pressure"
Explanation: "Media outlets" is more specific than "the press," and "a principal source of pressure" is more formal and precise.
"always spread the news of showing" -> "consistently disseminate news showcasing"
Explanation: "Consistently disseminate news showcasing" is more formal and accurately describes the action of spreading news.
"superior talent" -> "exceptional abilities"
Explanation: "Exceptional abilities" is a more formal and precise term than "superior talent."
"serious tension" -> "significant stress"
Explanation: "Significant stress" is more specific and academically appropriate than "serious tension."
"these days" -> "in the current era"
Explanation: "In the current era" is more formal and precise than the colloquial "these days."
"great burden on being" -> "considerable burden of being"
Explanation: "Considerable burden of being" is more formal and flows better in an academic context.
"leave a regrettable consequences" -> "result in regrettable consequences"
Explanation: "Result in regrettable consequences" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"suicide or depression" -> "suicidal tendencies or depressive disorders"
Explanation: "Suicidal tendencies or depressive disorders" provides a more clinical and formal description of these serious issues.
"the government should reform education" -> "governmental bodies should enact educational reforms"
Explanation: "Governmental bodies should enact educational reforms" is more specific and formal, fitting the academic context better.
"start some courses" -> "initiate specific courses"
Explanation: "Initiate specific courses" is more formal and precise than "start some courses."
"educate students about the pressure" -> "instruct students on managing pressure"
Explanation: "Instruct students on managing pressure" is more specific and academically appropriate.
"confronting the challenges of globalization" -> "addressing the challenges posed by globalization"
Explanation: "Addressing the challenges posed by globalization" is more formal and precise.
"using the internet properly" -> "the proper utilization of the internet"
Explanation: "The proper utilization of the internet" is more formal and fits the academic style better.
"because of the high awareness" -> "owing to the heightened awareness"
Explanation: "Owing to the heightened awareness" is more formal and precise than "because of the high awareness."
"better life quality" -> "improved quality of life"
Explanation: "Improved quality of life" is a more formal and commonly used term in academic writing.
"increase in the competition" -> "escalation in competition"
Explanation: "Escalation in competition" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic context better.
"discuss carefully about how to" -> "deliberate carefully on how to"
Explanation: "Deliberate carefully on how to" is more formal and academically appropriate than "discuss carefully about how to."
"effective solutions to solve this" -> "effective solutions to address this issue"
Explanation: "Effective solutions to address this issue" avoids redundancy and is more formal.
"That’s the reason why" -> "This is why"
Explanation: Removing the contraction "That’s" for "This is" makes the sentence more formal, and "why" alone is sufficient without "the reason."
"take some decisive actions" -> "undertake decisive measures"
Explanation: "Undertake decisive measures" is more formal and precise than "take some decisive actions."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It identifies various pressures children face, including academic, social, and commercial, and discusses causes and potential solutions for each. The causes, such as media portrayal and globalization, are adequately explored, and solutions involving educational reforms, awareness campaigns, and governmental intervention are proposed.
- How to improve: While the essay comprehensively addresses the question, there’s room to enhance the depth of analysis. Encouraging more nuanced exploration of specific examples or providing statistical data to support claims could strengthen the argument further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, advocating for measures to reduce pressure on children. It asserts that excessive pressure can lead to negative consequences like suicide or depression and suggests specific actions for addressing this issue, such as educational reforms and awareness campaigns.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the central position and avoids ambiguity. Additionally, providing stronger transitions between ideas can enhance coherence and maintain the focus on the proposed solutions.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, offering explanations for causes of pressure on children and suggesting measures to mitigate it. However, some ideas lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration or evidence to support claims.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, consider incorporating specific examples, case studies, or expert opinions to bolster arguments. Additionally, providing counterarguments and addressing potential objections can enrich the discussion and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the causes of pressure on children and proposing measures to alleviate it. However, there are moments where the discussion slightly deviates, such as when discussing the future labor market’s competitiveness, which, while related, could be more directly tied back to the main topic.
- How to improve: Ensure that each point made directly relates to the main topic of pressures on children and their reduction. Avoid tangential discussions that detract from the coherence and focus of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, enhancing depth of analysis, providing stronger support for ideas, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic can further strengthen the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph presents a distinct point, supported by examples and explanations. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved. For example, the transition between discussing the causes of pressure and proposing solutions could be smoother. Additionally, the connection between globalization and the future labor market competitiveness could be elaborated further to strengthen the logical progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Provide more explicit connections between causes and effects, especially regarding the impact of globalization on future job markets. Consider a clearer roadmap within each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph coherence and structure. Some paragraphs tend to be overly lengthy, which may overwhelm the reader. Additionally, there are areas where paragraph breaks could be utilized more strategically to enhance clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Aim for more concise and focused paragraphs, ensuring each paragraph revolves around a central idea. Break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and maintain reader engagement. Use paragraph breaks strategically to signal shifts in topic or argumentation.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates adequate use of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs. Examples include transition words like "consequently," "moreover," and "in addition," which help connect sentences and maintain coherence. However, there is room for diversification and more sophisticated use of cohesive devices. Some transitions could be more seamlessly integrated to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used, including pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, to establish stronger connections between ideas. Focus on seamlessly integrating transitions to ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. Pay attention to coherence at both the micro and macro levels of the essay, ensuring consistency and clarity throughout.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with the writer employing diverse terms such as "culprit," "regrettable consequences," "cooperate," "raise awareness," and "life quality." These terms contribute to the depth of expression and convey the writer’s ideas effectively.
- How to improve: While the essay displays a good range of vocabulary, incorporating more nuanced and contextually appropriate terms could enhance the sophistication of expression. For instance, instead of using common phrases like "some may consider," the writer could employ more precise language to convey nuanced viewpoints.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For example, terms such as "essential," "confront," and "precious" are employed accurately to express ideas without ambiguity.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is generally precise, there are instances where slightly more precise terms could be employed. For example, instead of using "some may consider," the writer could employ a term like "argue," which more definitively conveys the idea of presenting a viewpoint.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors observed. Common words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, the writer could consider employing spelling aids such as spell-check tools or proofreading techniques. Additionally, actively expanding vocabulary can indirectly improve spelling accuracy by increasing familiarity with word forms and spellings.

Overall, the essay exhibits strong lexical resource, showcasing a wide range of vocabulary with generally precise usage and satisfactory spelling accuracy. To further improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more nuanced vocabulary and employ precise terms to enhance the sophistication of expression. Additionally, maintaining consistent attention to spelling accuracy through the use of aids and techniques can contribute to overall writing quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable effort in utilizing various sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, albeit with some repetition. For example, the writer employs a mix of simple and complex sentences to convey ideas effectively, such as in the opening paragraph where they introduce the essay topic. However, there’s a tendency to rely on similar sentence structures throughout the essay, which can affect the overall fluency and engagement of the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences, using participial phrases or gerunds for sentence openers, or employing rhetorical devices like parallelism or antithesis. Varying the length and structure of sentences can help maintain reader interest and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation conventions. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies that slightly detract from the clarity and coherence of the writing. For instance, there are occasional issues with subject-verb agreement ("the young generation are confronting"), inconsistent use of verb tenses ("the press is the leading cause… they always spread the news"), and minor punctuation errors (missing commas before introductory phrases, inconsistent use of capitalization in "the authorities").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure consistency in tense usage throughout the essay. Additionally, paying close attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage with introductory phrases and maintaining consistency in capitalization, will help refine the overall clarity and correctness of the writing. Consider thorough proofreading or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct any remaining errors. Additionally, engaging with grammar resources or exercises can help reinforce grammatical concepts and improve proficiency over time.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, the younger generation is confronting a myriad of pressures from various angles, encompassing academic, social, and commercial domains, owing to numerous factors. In this essay, I will expound in detail on the primary cause of this tension and propose effective solutions to address this issue.

There are compelling reasons to believe that media outlets are a principal source of pressure on children. They consistently disseminate news showcasing exceptional abilities, often from individuals spanning a wide range of ages. Consequently, prolonged exposure to such news leads children to compare their own abilities with those of remarkably talented individuals, fostering feelings of inferiority and significant stress.

Moreover, another factor contributing to the pressure on children in the current era is globalization. This trend necessitates not only competing with peers within one’s own region or country but also with individuals from diverse backgrounds in various fields, including academics, sports, and skills. This heightened competition translates into a considerable burden of being the best in order to secure future employment opportunities.

While some may argue that pressure is essential for the success of children in the future, it can result in regrettable consequences if children are unable to manage their emotions, such as suicidal tendencies or depressive disorders. Therefore, governmental bodies should enact educational reforms to address this issue. One effective measure could be initiating specific courses aimed at instructing students on managing pressure and addressing the challenges posed by globalization. These courses would also emphasize the proper utilization of the internet, owing to the heightened awareness and improved quality of life it can provide when used judiciously.

Furthermore, collaboration between authorities, press, and schools is crucial in organizing events or campaigns to raise awareness among parents and children about the detrimental effects of excessive pressure. This heightened community awareness can significantly reduce the pressure on the younger generation and contribute to an improved quality of life.

In addition, authorities should deliberate carefully on how to enhance career opportunities and competitive advantages for local employees amidst escalating global competition. By finding effective solutions to bridge this gap, the pressure on the next generation can be alleviated significantly.

In conclusion, while some level of pressure may be necessary for human development, it can have negative impacts on children who lack sufficient life experience. Therefore, it is imperative for the government, schools, and parents to undertake decisive measures to protect the well-being of the younger generation.