Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries is a possitve development, while others think that many countries will lose their national identities as a result. Discuss both views and give your opinion

These days, it is believed by some that the development of business and cultural contact among various countries witnessed a beneficial trend whereas others claim that their national identities may be lost due to that growth. Both viewpoints are justifiable but I strongly gravitate toward the former view.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some people advocate the idea that rising international business and cultural contact may drive our identities to the verge of extinction. Firstly, the emergence of international is the disappearance of local business. This is because international business often has more resources and invest more budget in advertising their products, leading to the competition with products of local companies. As a result, local business lost their monopoly about goods and products in their nations. Secondly, the growth of business and cultural contact from others countries is make way for lack of potential employees because of studying abroad. For example, in Vietnam, student often go abroad after finishing high school, and then they choose stay at that country to apply for a job. Therefore, our country sometime limit potential human resources about technological innovations, engineering or health care compared to others nation.

On the other hand, I am convinced that the rising of business and cultural contact would confer tremendous benefits. The first reason is that providing quality products at more reasonable prices. This is thanks to their enormous resource and producing goods and products in huge quantities, as a result they can standardize manufacturing procedures and generate product with lower cost. In addition, the appearance of international companies can push a health growth of a nation’s GDP. This means that business come from various countries can establish numerous branches in other countries, especially developing countries, leading to create more job opportunities and pay taxes for local authorities, as a result, the economy of that country may experience significant transformation.

In conclusion, while there may be some reasons to support the latter view, I am of the oppinion that these development are desirable, given its benefits in societal levels.

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Errors and Improvements:

"These days" -> "In contemporary times"
Explanation: "In contemporary times" offers a more formal and precise temporal reference than the colloquial "These days."
"it is believed by some" -> "some individuals contend"
Explanation: "Some individuals contend" is more direct and active in voice, enhancing clarity and formality.
"witnessed a beneficial trend" -> "experienced a positive development"
Explanation: "Experienced a positive development" is more specific and academically appropriate than the vague "witnessed a beneficial trend."
"justifiable" -> "defensible"
Explanation: "Defensible" is a more formal term that aligns better with academic language than "justifiable."
"strongly gravitate toward" -> "firmly support"
Explanation: "Firmly support" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better than "strongly gravitate toward."
"the emergence of international is the disappearance" -> "the emergence of international businesses leads to the disappearance"
Explanation: Adding "businesses" and "leads to" clarifies the subject and the causative relationship, enhancing both clarity and formality.
"lost their monopoly about" -> "lose their monopoly over"
Explanation: "Lose their monopoly over" corrects the tense and preposition to more accurately and formally express the idea.
"is make way for" -> "results in"
Explanation: "Results in" is a more formal and precise way of indicating consequence than "is make way for."
"student often go" -> "students often go"
Explanation: Correcting "student" to "students" addresses a grammatical error, ensuring subject-verb agreement.
"choose stay at that country" -> "choose to stay in that country"
Explanation: "Choose to stay in that country" corrects grammatical errors, improving clarity and formality.
"sometime limit potential human resources about" -> "sometimes limits potential human resources in"
Explanation: "Sometimes limits potential human resources in" corrects grammatical errors and preposition use, enhancing clarity and formality.
"compared to others nation" -> "compared to other nations"
Explanation: "Compared to other nations" corrects a grammatical error and ensures plural consistency.
"the rising of business and cultural contact" -> "the increase in business and cultural contact"
Explanation: "The increase in business and cultural contact" is more precise and formal than "the rising of."
"providing quality products at more reasonable prices" -> "the provision of quality products at more reasonable prices"
Explanation: "The provision of" is more formal and fits the academic style better than the gerund "providing."
"push a health growth" -> "stimulate healthy growth"
Explanation: "Stimulate healthy growth" is more precise and academically appropriate than "push a health growth."
"business come from various countries" -> "businesses originating from various countries"
Explanation: "Businesses originating from various countries" is more specific and formal, enhancing clarity.
"leading to create more job opportunities" -> "resulting in the creation of more job opportunities"
Explanation: "Resulting in the creation of" is more formal and precise than "leading to create."
"oppinion" -> "opinion"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to "opinion."
"these development are desirable" -> "these developments are desirable"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error by making "development" plural to match with "are."
"given its benefits in societal levels" -> "given its benefits at the societal level"
Explanation: "At the societal level" corrects the preposition and singularizes "levels" for accuracy and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument as required. It discusses the perspectives of those who see increasing international business and cultural contact as positive and those who fear loss of national identities. However, the treatment of these perspectives lacks depth, with the focus primarily on the positive aspects.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced exploration of both perspectives. Provide more nuanced analysis and examples for each viewpoint to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of the benefits of increasing business and cultural contact. The stance is maintained consistently throughout the essay, with the author expressing a strong preference for the positive impacts.
- How to improve: While clarity is commendable, a more nuanced approach could strengthen the argument. Acknowledging potential drawbacks of increasing global contact while still advocating for its benefits would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the positive effects of increasing international business and cultural contact, such as economic growth and access to quality products. However, these ideas lack development and specificity. Examples provided are somewhat vague and could be elaborated further.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, provide more detailed examples and explanations to support each idea. Consider incorporating statistics, case studies, or real-world examples to add depth and credibility to the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the impact of increasing business and cultural contact on national identities, as prompted. However, there are moments where the focus drifts slightly, such as the discussion on the economic benefits of international companies.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points made directly relate to the topic of how increasing global contact affects national identities. Avoid tangential discussions that detract from the central theme of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position and stays generally on topic, there is room for improvement in addressing all parts of the question comprehensively and providing more developed ideas with specific examples. By enhancing the depth of analysis and incorporating more detailed support for arguments, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction presenting both sides of the argument and the writer’s opinion. Each body paragraph discusses a specific viewpoint and supports it with examples. However, there are moments where the flow of ideas could be smoother, such as transitions between paragraphs, particularly between the second and third paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs by using cohesive devices effectively. Consider using phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" to signal shifts between ideas and viewpoints more explicitly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, which is appropriate for clarity and organization. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and presents supporting details. However, there is room for improvement in the structure of paragraphs, particularly in maintaining a consistent topic sentence and supporting it with relevant examples throughout the paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of the paragraph. Ensure that each subsequent sentence supports this topic sentence, providing evidence or elaboration. This will help maintain coherence within paragraphs and improve overall essay cohesion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" to indicate contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, transitional phrases like "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion" are used to structure the essay. However, there is limited variety in the cohesive devices used, which affects the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used to include a variety of conjunctions, transition words, and phrases. This could involve incorporating cohesive devices such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Nevertheless" to enhance coherence and cohesion throughout the essay. Varying the types of cohesive devices used will create a smoother flow of ideas and improve readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is evidence of attempts to use varied terminology, such as "beneficial trend," "gravitate toward," "emergence," "monopoly," "standardize," and "transformation." However, some repetition of vocabulary is noted, such as "business and cultural contact," which could be diversified with synonyms or alternative phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "business and cultural contact," one could substitute phrases like "global interaction" or "international engagement." Additionally, integrating more specialized terminology related to the essay’s topics, such as terms specific to economics or cultural exchange, could enrich the vocabulary further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively to convey meaning, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the rising of business and cultural contact" could be refined for clarity. Additionally, some phrases lack precision, such as "health growth" which could be more precisely expressed as "healthy growth."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for clarity and specificity in word choice. Review each sentence to ensure that terms are used accurately and effectively. Utilize precise vocabulary that precisely communicates the intended meaning. Consider revising sentences for clarity, replacing vague phrases with more specific language that clearly conveys the intended message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy overall. However, there are several spelling errors present, such as "possitve" instead of "positive," "gravitate" instead of "gravitates

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. For example, more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or passive voice constructions, could be used to enhance the sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve the range of structures, try incorporating a variety of sentence types, such as complex sentences with subordinate clauses or conditional sentences. This can help to add depth and complexity to your arguments, making your writing more engaging and persuasive.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the essay. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("business come" should be "businesses come") and punctuation errors (missing commas before introductory phrases).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is important to review the rules of English grammar and punctuation. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper comma usage. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from a teacher or tutor to identify and correct any recurring errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and a reasonable range of structures, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, some individuals contend that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries has experienced a positive development, while others argue that many countries may lose their national identities as a result. Both viewpoints are defensible, but I firmly support the emergence of international businesses for several reasons.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some people advocate the idea that rising international business and cultural contact may lead to the disappearance of national identities. Firstly, the emergence of international businesses leads to the disappearance of local businesses. This is because international businesses often have more resources and invest more budget in advertising their products, leading to competition with products of local companies. As a result, local businesses lose their monopoly over goods and products in their nations. Secondly, the increase in business and cultural contact from other countries sometimes limits potential human resources in our country. For example, in Vietnam, students often go abroad after finishing high school, and then they choose to stay in that country to apply for a job. Therefore, our country sometimes limits potential human resources in technological innovations, engineering, or healthcare compared to other nations.

On the other hand, I am convinced that the rise in business and cultural contact would result in significant benefits. The provision of quality products at more reasonable prices is one such benefit. This is thanks to the enormous resources of international companies, enabling them to produce goods in large quantities and standardize manufacturing procedures, resulting in lower costs. Additionally, businesses originating from various countries stimulate healthy growth in a nation’s GDP. This means that businesses from various countries can establish numerous branches in other countries, especially developing countries, resulting in the creation of more job opportunities and contributing taxes to local authorities. As a result, the economy of that country may experience significant transformation.

In conclusion, while there may be some reasons to support the notion that increasing business and cultural contact could lead to the loss of national identities, I firmly believe that these developments are desirable, given their benefits at the societal level.