The table shows the average salaries in US dollars in 5 countries at different stages until achieving the maximum salary.

The table illustrates the average incomes in US dollars in different 5 nations, when starting work, after 15 years until achieving the maximum salary.
Overall, it is clearly seen that the amount of average salary earned by people in Luxembourg was the highest figure during the working time. Meanwhile, it took 37 years for Japan to achieve the maximum salary on average.
Looking at the table, it can be seen that the salary in Luxembourg when starting work was 80.000 dollars, followed by Denmark with 45.000 dollars. After 15 years, the average salary in Luxembourg rose considerably to 119.000 dollars while the figure in Denmark increased only modestly by 9.000 dollars. In addition, the starting salaries in Australia, Japan and Korea were significantly lower. These figures rose slightly to 48.000 dollars, 65.000 dollars and 48.000 dollars in Australia, Japan and Korea respectively in the next 15 years.
Over the period of working time, Luxembourg recorded the highest figure in the amount of salary on average with 132.000 dollars, while the lowest figure on the table was for Australia. Additionally, In Denmark and Australia, they needed only 8 to 9 years to reach the maximum salary. In contrast, the opposite patterns were evident in Luxembourg, Japan and Korea for over 30 years.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the table illustrates" -> "the table depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise term for describing how data is presented visually in tables, conveying the idea of representation with greater clarity.
"different 5 nations" -> "five distinct nations"
Explanation: Placing the numeral before the qualifier and using "distinct" enhances the clarity and sophistication of the phrase.
"when starting work" -> "upon commencement of employment"
Explanation: "Upon commencement of employment" is a more formal and precise way to describe the beginning of work.
"clearly seen" -> "evident"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more concise and formal word, improving the tone of the sentence.
"amount of average salary" -> "average salary amount"
Explanation: Reordering the words to "average salary amount" makes the phrase more direct and easier to understand.
"the highest figure" -> "the paramount figure"
Explanation: "Paramount" elevates the language, indicating not only the highest but also the most important figure in this context.
"it took 37 years" -> "a duration of 37 years was required"
Explanation: This passive construction places emphasis on the duration, making the statement more formal.
"rose considerably" -> "escalated significantly"
Explanation: "Escalated" is a more precise term that implies a rapid increase, and "significantly" is used to maintain the emphasis on the degree of change.
"increased only modestly" -> "experienced a modest increase"
Explanation: This alternative phrasing makes the sentence more formal and emphasizes the nature of the increase.
"significantly lower" -> "markedly inferior"
Explanation: "Markedly inferior" provides a more precise and nuanced description of the comparative lower levels.
"rose slightly" -> "incremented slightly"
Explanation: "Incremented" is a more technical term appropriate for discussing specific changes in numerical values.
"Over the period of working time" -> "Throughout the employment duration"
Explanation: "Throughout the employment duration" is a more formal and clear way to refer to the entire period of employment.
"recorded the highest figure" -> "registered the supreme figure"
Explanation: "Registered" is a more formal term suitable for the context of documenting or noting data, and "supreme" enhances the description of the highest figure.
"the lowest figure on the table was for Australia" -> "Australia presented the minimal figure"
Explanation: This rephrasing makes the sentence more active and precise, focusing on Australia’s role in presenting data.
"they needed only" -> "a mere"
Explanation: "A mere" is a succinct way to emphasize the surprisingly short duration, making the statement more impactful.
"In contrast, the opposite patterns" -> "Conversely, divergent trends"
Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transition, and "divergent trends" more accurately describes differing patterns of behavior.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the task by presenting an overview of the average salaries in five countries at different stages until achieving the maximum salary. Key features are highlighted, such as the progression of salaries over time and the variation between countries. However, some details are inaccurate or not fully developed, such as the mention of working time instead of salary progression stages.
How to improve: To improve, ensure accurate and precise descriptions of the data provided in the table. Focus on presenting all key features clearly and in appropriate detail. Avoid inaccuracies and ensure the essay fully addresses the task requirements without confusion.]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent organization with a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph presents information related to a specific aspect of the data provided in the table, such as starting salaries, salary growth over time, and time taken to reach the maximum salary. There is an attempt to logically organize the information by discussing each country’s salary data separately. However, some cohesion issues arise, particularly in the transition between sentences and within paragraphs. For instance, there are instances where cohesive devices could have been used more effectively to connect ideas and improve the flow of the text. Additionally, while the paragraphs address different aspects of the data, they could be better structured to enhance clarity and coherence.

How to improve:

Utilize cohesive devices more effectively to ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This could include using linking words/phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "in addition") and pronouns (e.g., "these figures," "this pattern") to connect ideas.
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression of ideas. This can help readers better understand the relationship between the information presented.
Pay attention to referencing and substitution to avoid repetition and enhance clarity. Instead of repeatedly stating country names, consider using pronouns or other referencing techniques where appropriate.
Review paragraphing to ensure it is logical and serves to organize the information effectively. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the data and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition of phrases and basic lexical choices. It adequately conveys the information but lacks variety and sophistication in vocabulary use. Some errors in word choice and collocation are noticeable, such as "different 5 nations" instead of "five different nations." Additionally, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings throughout the essay, which hinder the overall lexical quality.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the essay should incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, especially in describing the data and discussing trends. Utilizing synonyms, more precise terminology, and varied sentence structures would enhance lexical richness. Additionally, paying attention to word choice and collocation to ensure accuracy and fluency would benefit the overall lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation with a variety of complex structures used throughout. Sentences are generally error-free, contributing to a clear and coherent expression of ideas. The writer effectively communicates the information presented in the table, providing a clear overview and supporting details.

How to improve:
To further improve the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy, consider enhancing the complexity of sentence structures even more. Additionally, ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. While the essay is mostly error-free, attention to minor errors and inconsistencies can elevate it to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided table delineates the average salaries denoted in US dollars across five distinct nations at various stages leading up to the attainment of maximum income.

In summary, it is evident that Luxembourg boasted the highest average salary among the featured countries throughout the duration of employment. Conversely, Japan took the longest duration, spanning 37 years, to reach the pinnacle of average income.

Examining the data, it is apparent that Luxembourg exhibited the highest initial salary at $80,000, trailed by Denmark at $45,000. After 15 years, Luxembourg witnessed a significant surge in its average salary, reaching $119,000, while Denmark experienced a comparatively modest increase of $9,000. Additionally, the initial salaries in Australia, Japan, and Korea were notably lower, with subsequent increments to $48,000, $65,000, and $48,000, respectively, over the subsequent 15 years.

Throughout the employment timeline, Luxembourg consistently maintained the highest average salary, peaking at $132,000, while Australia recorded the lowest figure among the featured nations. Notably, Denmark and Australia achieved maximum salary levels within a relatively short span of 8 to 9 years, in contrast to Luxembourg, Japan, and Korea, where the process extended over 30 years.