The pie charts below show the comparison of different kinds of energy production in France in two years.

The pie charts illustrate the average household spending in Japan and Malaysia in this year 2010.
In Malaysia, householders account for the highest category of housing, at 34% of total expenditure. This figure was higher than in Japan, with just 21%. The statistics for food in Japan made up 24%, it neared one in four of Japan’s chart, which was 3% smaller than 27% in Malaysia.
One substantial difference was the proportion of transport. This figure represented 20% in Japan, twice as much as that in Malaysia. The percentage of other goods and services was 29% in Japan, it was higher than in Malaysia. A tiny fraction of both nations was health care was 6% in Japan and 3% in Malaysia.
Overall, it is clear that more people in Japan spend most money on food. Meanwhile, more Malaysians spent most money on housing.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"This figure was higher than in Japan, with just 21%" -> "This percentage exceeded that of Japan, which stood at a mere 21%."
Explanation: "This figure" is vague and can be replaced with "percentage" for clarity. Additionally, "exceeded" conveys a stronger sense of comparison than "was higher than," and "mere" adds emphasis to the relatively low percentage of Japan.
"it neared one in four of Japan’s chart, which was 3% smaller than 27% in Malaysia" -> "it approached one-fourth of Japan’s expenditure, a 3% decrease from Malaysia’s 27%."
Explanation: The phrase "it neared one in four of Japan’s chart" is awkward and can be clarified to "it approached one-fourth of Japan’s expenditure." Also, "smaller than" can be replaced with "decrease from" to indicate a reduction in percentage.
"One substantial difference was the proportion of transport." -> "A significant disparity was observed in the transportation allocation."
Explanation: "Substantial difference" can be replaced with "significant disparity" for more precise language. "Proportion of transport" can be rephrased to "transportation allocation" for clarity and formality.
"The percentage of other goods and services was 29% in Japan, it was higher than in Malaysia." -> "In Japan, the allocation for other goods and services stood at 29%, surpassing that of Malaysia."
Explanation: Combining the sentences creates a smoother flow. Replacing "The percentage of" with "the allocation for" adds variety and precision to the language.
"A tiny fraction of both nations was health care was 6% in Japan and 3% in Malaysia." -> "A minor portion of expenditure in both nations was allocated to healthcare, accounting for 6% in Japan and 3% in Malaysia."
Explanation: "Tiny fraction" can be replaced with "minor portion" for more formal language. The repetition of "was" in "was health care was" should be removed for clarity. Additionally, rephrasing to "accounting for" enhances clarity.
"Overall, it is clear that more people in Japan spend most money on food." -> "Overall, it is evident that a larger proportion of expenditure in Japan is allocated to food."
Explanation: Replacing "spend most money on" with "allocated to" improves precision. "Larger proportion of expenditure" enhances clarity and formality compared to "more people."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by describing the data presented in the pie charts. It provides some overview of the main trends in household spending in Japan and Malaysia. However, there are several inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the description. For example, the essay states that the charts illustrate household spending in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010, but the data provided doesn’t match this claim. Additionally, the essay misinterprets some of the data, such as stating that more people in Japan spend the most money on food, which is not supported by the charts.

How to improve:
To improve the score, ensure that the essay accurately represents the data presented in the charts. Provide a clear and accurate overview of the main trends in household spending without introducing unsupported conclusions. Pay attention to details such as the time period mentioned in the prompt and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, organize the essay in a clearer structure with coherent paragraphs to enhance readability.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information with some organization by addressing the key features from the provided charts. There is an attempt to compare and contrast spending habits between Japan and Malaysia. However, there are issues with coherence and cohesion. The essay lacks a clear overall progression, as it jumps between different categories of spending without a cohesive flow. Some cohesive devices are used, but there are instances of inadequate and inaccurate usage, leading to occasional confusion. Additionally, the essay lacks clear paragraphing, making it difficult to follow the structure effectively.

How to improve:

Organize Information: Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas. Group similar information together and transition smoothly between different categories of spending.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively and accurately. Ensure that they establish clear relationships between ideas and aid in the coherence of the essay.
Paragraph Structure: Divide the essay into logical paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the comparison. This will improve readability and help the reader follow the discussion more easily.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. There is some attempt to vary vocabulary, but it lacks sophistication and depth. The essay repeats phrases such as "the pie charts illustrate," "in this year 2010," and "one substantial difference," which indicates a reliance on basic vocabulary. Additionally, the essay lacks precision in word choice, as seen in phrases like "it neared one in four of Japan’s chart," which is unclear and could be expressed more accurately. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "householders account for" and "a tiny fraction of both nations was health care," which affect the clarity and accuracy of the essay.

How to improve:

Expand vocabulary range: Incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely and accurately. Utilize synonyms and explore more sophisticated lexical items relevant to the topic.
Enhance word choice: Pay attention to word choice and collocation to ensure clarity and accuracy in expression. Avoid awkward phrasing and ambiguous language by selecting words that fit the context appropriately.
Practice coherence: Ensure smooth transitions between ideas to improve the flow of the essay. Organize information logically to enhance coherence and readability.
Proofread for errors: Review the essay for spelling and grammatical errors to improve overall clarity and effectiveness. Use spelling and grammar check tools to identify and correct mistakes that may impede communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, including varied structures such as comparisons, proportions, and descriptions. The essay uses a range of vocabulary and attempts to convey information about the pie charts. However, there are notable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, which occasionally hinder communication. For example, "it neared one in four of Japan’s chart" should be "it nearly represented one-quarter of Japan’s expenditure," and "This figure represented 20% in Japan, twice as much as that in Malaysia" could be clearer as "This figure represented 20% in Japan, which was twice the percentage in Malaysia." These errors, while present, do not significantly distort the meaning but do impact the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

How to improve:

Grammar and Punctuation: Review sentence structures and ensure correct grammar usage, particularly in complex sentences. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer and more precise expressions. Avoid ambiguous phrases and strive for accuracy in conveying information from the charts.
Sentence Structure: Incorporate a greater variety of sentence structures to enhance complexity and coherence. Varying the sentence length and structure can add fluency and sophistication to the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts offer a comparative analysis of average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia for the year 2010.

In Malaysia, housing expenses constitute the largest portion, accounting for 34% of total expenditure, significantly surpassing Japan’s 21%. Additionally, food expenses in Japan represent 24% of the total, almost one-fourth of the expenditure, albeit slightly lower than Malaysia’s 27%.

A notable disparity lies in transport expenditure, with Japan allocating 20%, twice the amount seen in Malaysia. Conversely, other goods and services constitute a larger proportion in Japan at 29%, surpassing Malaysia’s allocation. Health care expenses, albeit minor, account for 6% in Japan and 3% in Malaysia.

Overall, the data depicts a higher spending ratio on food in Japan, while housing emerges as the primary expenditure category for most Malaysians.