The Internet is easy to access. Some argued that it make children become spoiled.

In the other side, with seek information readily and all of the ages can surf the web, and watch, download films, images anh regarding things. Furthermore, much more negative information spread all over, so, can affect mental health anh study individuals.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In the other side" -> "On the other hand"
Explanation: "On the other hand" is a more formal expression commonly used to introduce an alternative perspective or contrasting information in academic writing.
"with seek information readily" -> "with easy access to information"
Explanation: "with easy access to information" provides a clearer and more formal description of the ability to find information easily.
"all of the ages can surf the web" -> "individuals of all ages can browse the internet"
Explanation: "individuals of all ages can browse the internet" is a more precise and formal way to convey the idea that people of all age groups can access the internet.
"watch, download films, images anh regarding things" -> "watch films, download images, and access various content"
Explanation: "watch films, download images, and access various content" provides a more organized and grammatically correct list of activities related to internet usage.
"much more negative information spread all over" -> "a proliferation of negative information"
Explanation: "a proliferation of negative information" is a more sophisticated way to describe the widespread dissemination of negative content.
"so, can affect mental health anh study individuals" -> "which can adversely impact the mental health and academic performance of individuals"
Explanation: "which can adversely impact the mental health and academic performance of individuals" offers a clearer and more formal expression of the potential effects of negative information on individuals.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Task Response: 4 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the ease of access to the internet and its potential effects on children. However, the response is incomplete and lacks clarity in addressing all aspects of the question. It mentions the accessibility of the internet and its content but does not effectively explore how this accessibility may lead to children becoming spoiled. The essay lacks depth in analyzing the relationship between internet access and its impact on children’s behavior and upbringing.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should fully address each part of the prompt. It should provide a more comprehensive analysis of how easy access to the internet contributes to children becoming spoiled. This could involve discussing the types of content available online, the influence of unrestricted internet usage on children’s behavior and development, and potential consequences for their upbringing.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat unclear due to fragmented and ambiguous language. While it seems to suggest a negative view of the internet’s impact on children, the lack of coherence and clear articulation makes it difficult to discern a consistent stance. The essay jumps between discussing internet accessibility and its potential negative effects without establishing a cohesive argument.
- How to improve: To present a clear position, the essay should establish a thesis statement early on that clearly states the writer’s viewpoint on whether the internet makes children spoiled. Throughout the essay, maintain consistency in articulating this position and provide supporting evidence and examples to reinforce it. Avoid ambiguity and ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall clarity of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks coherence and development. It briefly touches on the ease of internet access and mentions negative information spread but fails to extend or elaborate on these points effectively. Additionally, the lack of supporting evidence or examples weakens the argument and makes it difficult for readers to fully grasp the writer’s perspective.
- How to improve: To improve idea presentation, the essay should provide more thorough explanations and examples to support its points. Expand on the potential consequences of easy internet access for children, such as exposure to inappropriate content, decreased social interaction, or diminished cognitive skills. Incorporate relevant research findings or real-life anecdotes to strengthen the argument and provide depth to the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially stays on topic by discussing the accessibility of the internet and its potential impact on children. However, it lacks focus and coherence, resulting in a disjointed exploration of the subject matter. The essay introduces various ideas but struggles to maintain a consistent thread connecting them to the central theme.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the essay should prioritize relevance and coherence in its discussion. Each paragraph should directly relate to the overarching theme of whether the internet makes children spoiled. Avoid tangential discussions or unrelated points that distract from the main argument. Focus on presenting a well-structured and logically organized essay that remains centered on the prompt’s subject matter.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks logical organization, resulting in disjointed and unclear presentation of ideas. The introduction appears to present a counterargument ("In the other side") without establishing the main argument or providing context. The subsequent sentences introduce various ideas without clear transitions or development, leading to confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, begin by clearly stating the main argument in the introduction. Develop a coherent structure by organizing ideas logically and providing smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Consider creating an outline before writing to ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks proper paragraphing, resulting in a lack of clarity and coherence. The entire essay consists of one long paragraph, making it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of ideas and identify distinct points.
- How to improve: Break the essay into paragraphs to separate different ideas and facilitate readability. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea or point, with clear topic sentences to guide the reader. Additionally, ensure that paragraphs are appropriately structured, with supporting details and examples to strengthen the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks cohesive devices, such as conjunctions, transition words, and pronouns, which results in a lack of coherence and cohesion. Sentences are disconnected, making it challenging for the reader to understand the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs. Use conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however," "therefore") to indicate relationships between ideas, and transition words (e.g., "additionally," "in conclusion," "on the other hand") to guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, use pronouns (e.g., "it," "they," "these") to refer back to previously mentioned concepts and maintain coherence. Practice integrating cohesive devices effectively to improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary but lacks precision and coherence in its application. While attempting to discuss the accessibility of the internet and its potential impact on children, the vocabulary choice is somewhat limited, and there are instances of unclear expression. For example, the phrase "seek information readily" could be more precisely articulated, and the usage of "anh" instead of "and" detracts from clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range and effectiveness of vocabulary, strive for more specific and appropriate word choices. Rather than using vague phrases like "seek information readily," opt for clearer expressions such as "easy access to information." Additionally, ensure consistency in language usage, avoiding typographical errors like "anh" instead of "and," which can disrupt the flow and comprehension of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a need for improvement in the precise use of vocabulary. While attempting to convey ideas about the negative impacts of internet accessibility on children, the language lacks precision and clarity. For instance, the phrase "much more negative information spread all over" is vague and could be more precisely articulated to convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that accurately communicates your intended message. Instead of using generic phrases like "much more negative information spread all over," be specific about the types of negative content found online, such as misinformation, explicit material, or harmful ideologies. This precision will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors that detract from its overall clarity and professionalism. For example, "anh" instead of "and" and "regarding" instead of "regard to" indicate a lack of attention to detail in spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading your work carefully before submission. Paying attention to commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling patterns. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or educators on spelling errors can provide valuable insights for improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied sentence structures; however, there are issues with coherence and clarity. For instance, the opening sentence uses an unconventional structure ("In the other side"), which may confuse the reader. Additionally, there is a lack of complex sentence structures, and simple sentences dominate the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, aim for a balance between simple, compound, and complex sentences. Introduce transitional phrases and conjunctions to connect ideas smoothly. For example, instead of "In the other side," consider using a more standard introductory phrase like "On the other hand." Additionally, strive to incorporate subordinate clauses and phrases to add depth and complexity to your sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that hinder clarity and comprehension. For example, "with seek" should be "with the ability to seek," and "anh" appears to be a typographical error. Additionally, there are missing articles ("the") and incorrect verb forms ("make" instead of "makes"). Punctuation is inconsistent, with missing commas and periods.
- How to improve: Focus on mastering basic grammatical rules and punctuation conventions. Proofread your essay carefully to identify and correct errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch mistakes. Review grammar resources and practice exercises to reinforce your understanding of grammar rules and punctuation usage. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the proper placement of commas and periods to improve accuracy and clarity in your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

On the other hand, with easy access to information, individuals of all ages can browse the internet, watch films, download images, and access various content. Furthermore, there is a proliferation of negative information spread all over, which can adversely impact the mental health and academic performance of individuals.