The charts show how tourism to two countries changed over a 50-year period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant.

The given charts present the percentage of tourists coming to Australia and Germany over a period of 50 years. Overall, there was a great change in the proportion of the two countries.
To begin with, the percentage of European visitor to Australia was the highest in 1960, which was more than a half. The following is Brish visitors, which accounted for a quarter. The USA was 12% and the rest was Asian tourist, only 10%. However, in 2010, the proportion widely differed. The percentage of Asian tourists reached at a peak of 63%. There was not much fluctuation in the percentage of British tourists. It dropped by 5% after 50 years. The lowest was the Europe and the USA, they were 10% and 7%, respectively.
In 1960, the proportion of European visitor coming to Germany was the highest, which was nearly a half. The second is the USA and Britain. They were 25% and 20%, respectively. The percentage of Asian visitor was the lowest just 10%. After a half of a decade, Europeam tourist was still the highest, 40%. The percentage of USA visitors continued the second, accounted for 29%. The rest was the proportion of the Asia with 25% and the British with only 6%.

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Errors and Improvements:

"there was a great change" -> "there was a significant change"
Explanation: "Great" is rather vague and informal. "Significant" is a more precise and formal term that better conveys the magnitude of the change.
"To begin with" -> "Initially"
Explanation: "To begin with" is colloquial; "Initially" is a more formal alternative commonly used in academic writing.
"The following is Brish visitors" -> "Subsequently, British visitors"
Explanation: "The following is" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Subsequently" introduces the next point logically, and "British visitors" is a more precise term.
"widely differed" -> "varied significantly"
Explanation: "Widely differed" is not idiomatic. "Varied significantly" conveys the extent of the change more effectively.
"reached at a peak" -> "reached a peak"
Explanation: "Reached at" is redundant. "Reached a peak" is grammatically correct and concise.
"There was not much fluctuation" -> "There was little fluctuation"
Explanation: "Not much" is imprecise. "Little" is a more precise term to indicate a minor degree of fluctuation.
"After a half of a decade" -> "After half a century"
Explanation: "After a half of a decade" is awkward and unnecessarily verbose. "Half a century" is a concise and commonly used term for a period of 50 years.
"Europeam tourist" -> "European tourists"
Explanation: "Europeam" is misspelled. "European tourists" is the correct term to refer to tourists from Europe.
"continued the second" -> "remained second"
Explanation: "Continued the second" is unclear. "Remained second" clarifies that the USA visitors maintained their position as the second highest.
"the rest was the proportion of the Asia with" -> "the remainder consisted of Asian visitors"
Explanation: "The rest was the proportion of the Asia with" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "The remainder consisted of Asian visitors" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by summarizing the information presented in the charts about tourism to Australia and Germany over 50 years. The main features are mentioned, such as the change in the percentage of tourists from different regions over time. However, there are several issues with accuracy, coherence, and relevance throughout the essay. For instance, there are inaccuracies in the reporting of percentages, and the organization of information is unclear, making it difficult for the reader to follow the main trends.

How to improve: Focus on accurately reporting the data presented in the charts without introducing inaccuracies. Ensure a clear and logical organization of information, presenting an overview followed by specific details. Avoid repetitive or irrelevant information, and aim for clarity and coherence in your writing.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents some organization by dividing the information into paragraphs. However, there are notable coherence and cohesion issues throughout the text. The progression of ideas lacks clarity, with abrupt transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, there is a lack of overall coherence due to the inconsistent use of cohesive devices. Some sentences are repetitive, and referencing is unclear, leading to confusion for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on structuring the essay more logically. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas flow smoothly from one paragraph to the next. Use a variety of cohesive devices appropriately to establish connections between sentences and ideas. Avoid repetitive language and strive for clarity and precision in referencing and substitution. Also, pay attention to paragraphing, ensuring that it follows a logical order and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary for the task, with some use of less common lexical items. The writer attempts to convey information using varied vocabulary, such as "proportion," "fluctuation," and "peak." However, there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "Brish" instead of "British" and "Europeam" instead of "European." Additionally, there are several instances of awkward phrasing and repetition, which slightly affect the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, the writer should focus on using accurate vocabulary and avoiding repetitive phrases. Proofreading for errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation is crucial to enhance clarity and precision in conveying information. Expanding vocabulary and practicing using varied lexical items in context would also contribute to a more sophisticated and fluent expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, including simple and some complex sentences. There is an effort to organize ideas logically, and the essay generally communicates the main features of the charts. However, there are frequent grammatical errors throughout the essay, including issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure. These errors sometimes hinder understanding and clarity.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on using a wider range of sentence structures with more accuracy. Pay attention to grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Proofreading for errors in punctuation and sentence structure can also enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, aim for more precise and varied vocabulary to convey ideas effectively. Practice writing essays with a focus on grammar accuracy and sentence structure diversity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts illustrate the fluctuations in the proportion of tourists visiting Australia and Germany over a span of five decades. Overall, both countries experienced significant shifts in their visitor demographics.

Commencing with Australia, in 1960, the majority of tourists hailed from Europe, constituting over half of the total visitors. Following closely were British tourists, comprising a quarter, while American tourists accounted for 12%, and the remainder comprised Asian visitors at 10%. By contrast, in 2010, there was a remarkable transformation. The percentage of Asian tourists soared to 63%, indicating a substantial increase. Conversely, British tourist numbers saw a modest decline of 5% over the 50-year period. European and American visitors dwindled to 10% and 7%, respectively, marking a significant decrease compared to the initial figures.

Turning to Germany, in 1960, European tourists dominated, comprising nearly half of the total visitors, followed by American and British tourists at 25% and 20%, respectively. Asian visitors were the least represented, constituting only 10% of the total. Fifty years later, European tourists remained the largest group, albeit with a reduced proportion of 40%. American visitors retained their second position, comprising 29% of the total, while the percentage of Asian visitors increased to 25%. British tourists, however, experienced a notable decline, accounting for only 6% of the total visitors.

In conclusion, both Australia and Germany witnessed substantial changes in their tourist demographics over the 50-year period, with notable increases in Asian visitors and declines in European and American tourists in certain instances.