Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views

Right after finishing high school, adolescence often wonder whether they should continue their education or get a job. While many believe that pursuing higher education at universities or colleges is the best way to ensure a successful career path, other claim that working straight after school is a better option.
Joining the job market after graduation is beneficial due to several reasons. Firstly, by working, many young adults can start making money as soon as possible. Hence, they become mature enough and can live independently on their own income. Secondly, a person who makes up their mind about seeking a job instead of pursuing higher education can stand a better chance in gaining more practical experience and soft skills. This may help them to progress more quickly in their chosen professions.
On the other hand, many people argue that continuing studying after high school offers better result for youngster. Firstly, university education prepares students to meet academic qualifications which are required by most of recruiters nowadays. As a result, university graduates are normally offered jobs with higher salaries compared to those without relevant qualifications. Furthermore, job market is getting more competitive than ever since hundreds of applicants often chase after one position in an organization. Having a good degree is an obvious advantage that belongs to people graduating from prestigious universities. In many country, graduated students with engineer degree can easily find a well-paid job with good working environment.
In conclusion, it is true that both working right after graduating from universities and studying higher-level studies each have their own benefits. Choosing the right path depends on individual circumstances and career preferences.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"adolescence often wonder whether they should continue their education" -> "adolescents often contemplate whether to pursue further education"
Explanation: "Wonder" is a bit too informal for academic writing. "Contemplate" conveys a similar meaning but in a more formal and precise manner.
"While many believe that pursuing higher education at universities or colleges is the best way to ensure a successful career path, other claim that working straight after school is a better option." -> "While many advocate that pursuing higher education at universities or colleges is the optimal route to ensure a successful career path, others assert that entering the workforce immediately after school is a preferable alternative."
Explanation: Replacing "believe" with "advocate" and "claim" with "assert" elevates the formality of the language. Additionally, "optimal route" and "preferable alternative" are more sophisticated alternatives to "best way" and "better option."
"Joining the job market after graduation is beneficial due to several reasons." -> "Entering the job market after graduation is advantageous for several reasons."
Explanation: "Beneficial" is replaced with "advantageous" for a more formal tone, and "joining" is substituted with "entering" for clarity and precision.
"Firstly, by working, many young adults can start making money as soon as possible." -> "Firstly, through employment, many young adults can commence earning income promptly."
Explanation: "Making money" is colloquial; "earning income" is a more formal alternative. "Commence" adds formality compared to "start."
"Hence, they become mature enough and can live independently on their own income." -> "Consequently, they attain maturity and achieve financial independence."
Explanation: "Mature enough" is replaced with "attain maturity" for precision and formality. "Live independently on their own income" is condensed to "achieve financial independence" for clarity and conciseness.
"Secondly, a person who makes up their mind about seeking a job instead of pursuing higher education can stand a better chance in gaining more practical experience and soft skills." -> "Secondly, individuals who decide to pursue employment rather than higher education stand a better chance of acquiring practical experience and soft skills."
Explanation: "Makes up their mind" is simplified to "decide" for clarity. "Seeking a job" is replaced with "pursue employment" for a more formal tone.
"On the other hand, many people argue that continuing studying after high school offers better result for youngster." -> "On the other hand, many argue that continuing studies after high school yields superior outcomes for young individuals."
Explanation: "Continuing studying" is replaced with "continuing studies" for clarity and formality. "Better result for youngster" is rephrased as "superior outcomes for young individuals" for precision and to avoid informal language.
"Firstly, university education prepares students to meet academic qualifications which are required by most of recruiters nowadays." -> "Firstly, university education equips students with the academic qualifications sought by the majority of recruiters in contemporary times."
Explanation: "Prepares students to meet academic qualifications" is rephrased as "equips students with academic qualifications sought." "Which are required by most of recruiters nowadays" is refined to "sought by the majority of recruiters in contemporary times" for clarity and formality.
"Having a good degree is an obvious advantage that belongs to people graduating from prestigious universities." -> "Possessing a reputable degree is a distinct advantage enjoyed by graduates of prestigious universities."
Explanation: "Having a good degree" is replaced with "possessing a reputable degree" for specificity and formality. "Belongs to people" is simplified to "enjoyed by graduates" for clarity and conciseness.
"In many country, graduated students with engineer degree can easily find a well-paid job with good working environment." -> "In many countries, graduates with engineering degrees can readily secure well-compensated positions within conducive work environments."
Explanation: "Graduated students" is corrected to "graduates." "Engineer degree" is corrected to "engineering degrees" for grammatical accuracy. "Find a well-paid job with good working environment" is refined to "secure well-compensated positions within conducive work environments" for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the advantages of entering the workforce directly after high school as well as the benefits of pursuing higher education. Each perspective is presented, although the exploration of the benefits of higher education could be more detailed.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, provide more specific examples and elaboration on the benefits of higher education, such as personal growth, networking opportunities, and specialized knowledge acquisition.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear structure, presenting arguments for both sides of the debate without showing bias towards one over the other. However, the concluding statement could be stronger in reiterating the neutrality of the essay’s stance.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by restating the essay’s impartial stance and summarizing the key points made in support of both perspectives.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas supporting both options, providing examples such as financial independence and practical experience for entering the workforce directly after school, and academic qualifications and job market competitiveness for pursuing higher education. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced by offering more depth and specificity in the discussion.
- How to improve: Elaborate further on the presented ideas by providing specific examples, statistics, or case studies to illustrate the advantages of each path more vividly. This will strengthen the argumentation and make the essay more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays focused on the topic, discussing the merits of studying at university versus entering the workforce after school. However, there are some instances of generalization and lack of specificity in the arguments presented.
- How to improve: Maintain a sharper focus on the prompt by avoiding broad statements and ensuring that all arguments directly relate to the topic of educational paths and career success. Provide concrete examples and avoid tangential discussions to enhance relevance and coherence.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses both viewpoints and presents a well-structured argument, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed explanations, maintaining consistency in stance, enriching idea development, and ensuring strict adherence to the topic. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can further enhance its clarity, persuasiveness, and coherence, potentially achieving an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that presents both views on the topic, followed by two body paragraphs, each discussing one perspective in detail. However, there is room for improvement in the coherence of ideas within paragraphs, as some points could be further developed or connected more smoothly. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits of working straight after school and the advantages of university education could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it’s important to ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. This can be achieved by using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and providing sufficient supporting details for each argument. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases to link ideas within and between paragraphs, guiding the reader through the essay’s progression more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to structure the content, with distinct breaks between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the effectiveness of paragraphing could be improved. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea or argument, but some paragraphs in the essay contain multiple points, which can make the structure less clear. For instance, the second body paragraph discusses both the benefits of working straight after school and the advantages of gaining practical experience, which could be separated into two paragraphs for better clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for greater coherence within paragraphs by focusing on one main point per paragraph. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea, followed by supporting evidence or examples to develop that idea. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain a clear and organized structure. This will help the reader to follow the essay’s arguments more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay makes some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. For example, transitional phrases like "on the other hand" and "in conclusion" are used to signal shifts between different viewpoints and sections of the essay. However, there is limited variety in the cohesive devices employed, and some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Additionally, the essay would benefit from a more consistent use of cohesive devices throughout to strengthen the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance coherence, strive to incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitional adverbs, and pronouns. These devices can help to establish logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs, guiding the reader through the essay’s argumentation more effectively. Practice using cohesive devices consistently and purposefully, paying attention to how they contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices such as "adolescence," "pursuing higher education," "recruiters," "competitive," "prestigious universities," and "well-paid job." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more diverse and nuanced. For example, phrases like "obvious advantage" and "good working environment" could be replaced with more precise language.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specialized terms related to the topic, such as specific types of jobs or industries. Additionally, aim for greater precision by using synonyms or descriptive adjectives to avoid repetition and add depth to your arguments.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are some instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, "offers better result for youngster" could be refined to "offers better prospects for young individuals," and "obvious advantage" could be specified with a more precise descriptor.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the context in which words are used and strive for precision by selecting terms that convey your intended meaning with clarity. Consider using a thesaurus or consulting academic resources to find more specific vocabulary relevant to the essay’s content.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally adequate, but there are a few errors present, such as "adolescence" instead of "adolescents," "recruiters" instead of "recruiters," and "country" instead of "countries." These errors slightly detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading thoroughly before submitting your essays. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling rules and practice identifying and correcting errors consistently. Reading widely can also help internalize correct spellings.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is evidence of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences like "Right after finishing high school, adolescence often wonder whether they should continue their education or get a job," compound sentences such as "Joining the job market after graduation is beneficial due to several reasons," and complex sentences like "Furthermore, job market is getting more competitive than ever since hundreds of applicants often chase after one position in an organization" are present. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enrich the essay’s grammatical range and fluency, consider incorporating a wider array of sentence structures, including complex-compound sentences, parallel structures, and varied introductory phrases. Additionally, employing rhetorical devices such as parallelism, rhetorical questions, and appositives can add depth and elegance to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. Most sentences are grammatically correct, but there are instances of errors that affect clarity and precision. For example, "other claim that working straight after school is a better option" should be corrected to "others claim that working straight after school is a better option," and "while many believe that pursuing higher education at universities or colleges is the best way to ensure a successful career path, other claim" should be revised to "while many believe that pursuing higher education at universities or colleges is the best way to ensure a successful career path, others claim." Punctuation is generally used appropriately, but there are occasional errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases and in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is recommended to proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct errors in subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure. Pay close attention to punctuation rules, including the use of commas for clarity and coherence. Consider utilizing grammar checkers and seeking feedback from peers or instructors to improve precision and fluency in written expression. Additionally, practicing sentence structure variations and grammatical constructions can strengthen overall writing skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

After completing high school, adolescents often contemplate whether to pursue further education or enter the workforce immediately. While many advocate that pursuing higher education at universities or colleges is the optimal route to ensure a successful career path, others assert that entering the job market after school is a preferable alternative.

Entering the job market after graduation is advantageous for several reasons. Firstly, through employment, many young adults can commence earning income promptly. Consequently, they attain maturity and achieve financial independence. Secondly, individuals who decide to pursue employment rather than higher education stand a better chance of acquiring practical experience and soft skills. This can significantly enhance their career progression.

On the other hand, many argue that continuing studies after high school yields superior outcomes for young individuals. Firstly, university education equips students with the academic qualifications sought by the majority of recruiters in contemporary times. Possessing a reputable degree is a distinct advantage enjoyed by graduates of prestigious universities. In many countries, graduates with engineering degrees can readily secure well-compensated positions within conducive work environments.

In conclusion, both options, namely entering the workforce directly after graduating and pursuing higher education, have their own merits. The choice between the two depends on individual circumstances and career preferences.