The line graphs shows the income of four cafes in New York last year

the given line graph compares four coffeeshops in terms of their income over a period of the previous year

It is clear that the overall trend was upward, as the incomes for three of four cafes increased during the period. In contrast, the figure for The Tea room’s income experienced a sharp decrease in the majority of the timeframe

The tea room began the period with the highest income of 160,000 dollars in January. It witnessed a significant decline to 110,000 dollars in February, followed by a considerable rise to a peak of 180,000 dollars in the next month before plummeting dramatically to finish the period with the lowest figure of 50,000 dollars in December. By contrast, standing at 50,000 dollars in January, the figure for wifi-cafe’s income increased steadily to 100,000 dollars in the following six months. Its income decreased gradually by 40,000 dollars from June to September before figure bombed again, reaching a peak of 190,000 dollars in December

When it comes to Internet express’s income, there was a steady fall from 100,000 to 80,000 dollars in the first half of the year, followed by a remarkable growth to 140,000 dollars at the end of the period. A different trend could be seen in the earning of cafe cool, which experienced a fluctuation between 20,000 and 40,000 dollars from January to June, after which it saw a surge upturn to 120,000 dollars in December

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the given line graph" -> "the provided line graph"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "given," which can sound somewhat informal and less precise.
"coffeeshops" -> "coffee shops"
Explanation: "Coffeeshops" is a misspelling. "Coffee shops" is the correct term and should be used to maintain professionalism in academic writing.
"a period of the previous year" -> "a period of the preceding year"
Explanation: "Preceding" is more formal and precise than "previous," which can be vague and less specific in academic contexts.
"It is clear that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "It is clear that," which can sound somewhat colloquial.
"witnessed a significant decline" -> "experienced a significant decline"
Explanation: "Experienced" is more commonly used in formal writing to describe the impact of events on entities, such as businesses, rather than "witnessed," which is more appropriate for observing events firsthand.
"plummeting dramatically" -> "dramatically plummeting"
Explanation: The adverb "dramatically" should precede the verb "plummeting" for grammatical correctness in this context.
"figure bombed again" -> "figure decreased significantly"
Explanation: "Figure bombed again" is an informal and incorrect idiom. "Decreased significantly" is precise and maintains an academic tone.
"standing at" -> "initially standing at"
Explanation: Adding "initially" clarifies that the initial value is being referred to, which is more precise in an analytical context.
"figure bombed again" -> "figure decreased significantly again"
Explanation: See previous point for explanation.
"remarkable growth" -> "significant growth"
Explanation: "Remarkable" can be seen as subjective and less formal. "Significant" is neutral and more suitable for academic writing.
"A different trend could be seen in the earning of cafe cool" -> "A distinct trend was observed in the earnings of Cafe Cool"
Explanation: "Was observed" is more formal than "could be seen," and "earnings" should be plural to match the plural subject "trends." Also, "Cafe Cool" should be capitalized as it appears to be a proper noun.
"surge upturn" -> "significant surge"
Explanation: "Surge upturn" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "Significant surge" is clearer and more formal.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and tone of the essay to better align with academic standards, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "the overall trend was upward, as the incomes for three of four cafes increased during the period." However, the essay does not provide any specific details about the trends in the data. The essay also does not adequately highlight key features/bullet points. For example, the essay states that "The Tea Room began the period with the highest income of 160,000 dollars in January." However, the essay does not provide any specific details about the trend in the data for The Tea Room.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by highlighting key features/bullet points in the data. For example, the essay could state that "The Tea Room experienced a significant decline in income from January to February, followed by a considerable rise to a peak in March before plummeting dramatically to finish the period with the lowest figure in December." The essay could also state that "Wifi-cafe’s income increased steadily from January to June, before decreasing gradually from June to September before reaching a peak in December."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For example, phrases like "the figure for wifi-cafe’s income" and "figure bombed again" could be more smoothly integrated. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logical or clear. The essay could benefit from a more structured approach to paragraphing to enhance readability and coherence.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas and sentences. Avoid mechanical repetition of phrases like "the figure for" and instead use synonyms or rephrase sentences for variety.
Improve Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the progression from one paragraph to the next is logical. For instance, separate the discussion of each cafe into distinct paragraphs to improve clarity.
Refine Sentence Structure: Work on sentence structure to avoid awkward or mechanical phrasing. This can be achieved by varying sentence lengths and structures, and by ensuring that each sentence flows naturally into the next.
Clear Referencing: Make sure that referencing is clear and appropriate. Avoid ambiguous references and ensure that each pronoun or reference clearly points to the correct antecedent.

By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "plummeting," "fluctuation," and "surge upturn." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "figure bombed again," which is informal and not appropriate in this context. Additionally, there are some spelling errors (e.g., "coffeeshops" should be "coffee shops") and issues with word formation (e.g., "earning" should be "earnings"). While these errors do not significantly impede communication, they detract from the overall lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring that less common lexical items are used accurately. Practicing the correct usage of collocations and refining spelling and word formation will also be beneficial. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases can elevate the essay’s quality and precision in conveying meaning.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity, such as "the figure for The Tea room’s income experienced a sharp decrease" (where "the" should not be capitalized) and "the earning of cafe cool" (where "earning" should be "earnings"). These errors do not completely obscure meaning but do detract from the overall effectiveness of the communication.
How to improve: To improve the score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be achieved by proofreading the essay to catch and correct errors, practicing more complex sentence constructions, and ensuring that all sentences are clear and grammatically correct. Additionally, using a wider variety of sentence structures and ensuring that all nouns and verbs agree in number would enhance the overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph compares four coffee shops in terms of their income over a period of the previous year.

It is clear that the overall trend was upward, as the incomes for three of the four cafes increased during the period. In contrast, the figure for The Tea Room’s income experienced a sharp decrease for the majority of the timeframe.

The Tea Room began the period with the highest income of $160,000 in January. It witnessed a significant decline to $110,000 in February, followed by a considerable rise to a peak of $180,000 in the next month before plummeting dramatically to finish the period with the lowest figure of $50,000 in December. By contrast, starting at $50,000 in January, the figure for WiFi Café’s income increased steadily to $100,000 over the following six months. Its income decreased gradually by $40,000 from June to September before dropping again, reaching a peak of $190,000 in December.

When it comes to Internet Express’s income, there was a steady fall from $100,000 to $80,000 in the first half of the year, followed by remarkable growth to $140,000 at the end of the period. A different trend can be seen in the earnings of Café Cool, which experienced fluctuations between $20,000 and $40,000 from January to June, after which it saw a surge to $120,000 in December.