The chart below shows the percentage of unemployed people aged between 15 and 24 in five European countries in 2005, compared with the overall percentage of unemployment in those countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar graph presents data from five Western nations on the proportion of individuals without employment in the 15 to 24 age group as well as average unemployment in 2005.
Overall, the percentage of unemployed people aged 15 to 24 was higher than the overall unemployment rate in all countries listed. Especially, Poland ranked the first among while Denmark was the last, in both categories.
With regard to the rate of unemployed people aged 15 to 24, the figure for Poland in 2005 was more than 35%, followed at quite a distance, by Italy at approximately 23%. Meanwhile, both Hungary and Germany had the same proportion of unemployed individuals without employment, at roughly 15% by 2005. The lowest, at just around 8%, was the percentage of people of 15 to 24 age group, were not employed in Denmark in the period shown.
Turning to the overall proportion of unemployment, 15% represented the overall unemployment rate in Poland, compared to precisely 10% in Germany. Meanwhile, the figures for Italy and Hungary, both around 8% in 2007 while that for Denmark was significantly lower, with just approximately 2% for the given period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar graph presents" -> "The bar graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "presents" in the context of presenting data, emphasizing the visual representation and analysis of the data.
"proportion of individuals without employment" -> "percentage of unemployed individuals"
Explanation: "Percentage of unemployed individuals" is a more direct and commonly used term in academic discourse, enhancing clarity and specificity.
"Especially, Poland ranked the first among while Denmark was the last, in both categories." -> "Notably, Poland ranked highest, while Denmark ranked lowest, in both categories."
Explanation: "Notably" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Especially," and "ranked highest" and "ranked lowest" are more precise and formal than "ranked the first" and "ranked the last."
"the figure for Poland in 2005 was more than 35%" -> "the unemployment rate in Poland in 2005 exceeded 35%"
Explanation: "Exceeded" is a more precise term than "was more than" in academic writing, and using "unemployment rate" instead of "figure" provides clarity and specificity.
"followed at quite a distance, by Italy at approximately 23%" -> "followed closely by Italy, with an unemployment rate of approximately 23%"
Explanation: "Followed closely by" is a more formal and precise way to express the sequence, and specifying "unemployment rate" clarifies the context.
"both Hungary and Germany had the same proportion of unemployed individuals without employment" -> "Hungary and Germany had an identical unemployment rate"
Explanation: "An identical unemployment rate" is more concise and academically appropriate than "the same proportion of unemployed individuals without employment," which is redundant and awkward.
"the percentage of people of 15 to 24 age group, were not employed" -> "the unemployment rate among individuals aged 15 to 24"
Explanation: "The unemployment rate among individuals aged 15 to 24" is a more precise and formal way to express the concept, avoiding the awkward and informal phrasing of "the percentage of people of 15 to 24 age group, were not employed."
"compared to precisely 10% in Germany" -> "compared to 10% in Germany"
Explanation: "Precisely" is redundant when followed by a percentage, as "compared to" already implies a precise comparison.
"the figures for Italy and Hungary, both around 8% in 2007" -> "the unemployment rates in Italy and Hungary, both approximately 8% in 2007"
Explanation: "Unemployment rates" is more specific and accurate than "figures," and "approximately" is more formal than "around."
"that for Denmark was significantly lower, with just approximately 2%" -> "that for Denmark was significantly lower, at approximately 2%"
Explanation: Adding "at" before "approximately 2%" improves the sentence structure and flow, making it more formal and clear.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, including the overall trend that unemployment rates for 15-24 year olds were higher than the overall unemployment rate in all five countries. The essay also highlights the key features of the data, such as the highest and lowest unemployment rates for both categories. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the overall unemployment rate in Poland was 15%, but the chart shows that it was closer to 10%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate data and by extending the key features in more detail. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons why unemployment rates for 15-24 year olds were higher than the overall unemployment rate in all five countries. The essay could also discuss the implications of these findings.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within sentences is mechanical, and some referencing is unclear. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow. The essay does present a clear central topic within each paragraph, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph logically flows from one idea to the next will strengthen the overall structure. Clarifying references and avoiding repetitive phrases will also contribute to a more cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of the data presented in the bar graph. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion" and "individuals," but there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "ranked the first among while" and "the percentage of people of 15 to 24 age group, were not employed." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "by 2005" and "in 2007," which may cause some confusion for the reader. Overall, while the essay communicates the main features of the data, the lexical resource is limited and contains errors that affect clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding awkward phrasing and ensuring correct collocations, such as "ranked first" instead of "ranked the first." Additionally, the writer should aim to minimize errors in spelling and word formation by proofreading the essay for clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures can also help convey meanings more effectively and improve the overall impression of lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it communicates the main features of the data effectively, there are noticeable grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that detract from clarity. For instance, phrases like "the lowest, at just around 8%, was the percentage of people of 15 to 24 age group, were not employed" contain grammatical inaccuracies and could confuse the reader. Additionally, the use of "by 2005" and "in 2007" creates inconsistencies in the timeline presented. Overall, while the essay conveys the necessary information, the errors in grammar and punctuation occasionally hinder communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim for more varied sentence structures, ensuring that complex sentences are both grammatically correct and clear.
Grammar and Punctuation: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and the use of conjunctions. Ensure that punctuation is used correctly to enhance readability.
Consistency: Maintain consistency in the timeline and data references throughout the essay to avoid confusion.
Proofreading: Allocate time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors that may occur as slips, which can be minimized with careful review.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar graph presents data from five Western nations on the proportion of individuals without employment in the 15 to 24 age group, as well as the average unemployment rate in 2005. Overall, the percentage of unemployed people aged 15 to 24 was higher than the overall unemployment rate in all countries listed. Notably, Poland ranked first in both categories, while Denmark ranked last.

With regard to the rate of unemployed people aged 15 to 24, the figure for Poland in 2005 was more than 35%, followed at a considerable distance by Italy at approximately 23%. Meanwhile, both Hungary and Germany had the same proportion of unemployed individuals, at roughly 15% in 2005. The lowest percentage, at just around 8%, represented the unemployed individuals in the 15 to 24 age group in Denmark during the period shown.

Turning to the overall proportion of unemployment, the overall unemployment rate in Poland was 15%, compared to precisely 10% in Germany. Meanwhile, the figures for Italy and Hungary were both around 8% in 2005, while that for Denmark was significantly lower, at just approximately 2% for the given period.