The chart below shows the percentage of unemployed people aged between 15 and 24 in five European countries in 2005, compared with the overall percentage of unemployment in those countries.

The chart illustrates the proportion of unemployed people in the age of 15 to 24 and that of the overall rate across five distinct nations in Europe in 2005.

Overall, the jobless individuals aged 15-24 were higher than the total unemployed population in all of these surveyed countries. Notably, Poland witnessed the highest unemployment rates while Denmark recorded the lowest in their number of jobless dwellers.

Looking first at Poland, Italy and Hungary, the former far exceeded the remaining countries in its unemployed rates of young people and overall population, accounting for around 37% and 15%, respectively. This represents a wide disparity, compared to the others. At the same time, the percentage of young unemployment rates in Italy reached above 20% and to south of 10% in that of total jobless rates. Hungary saw a similar trend in its unemployment rates, albeit to a lesser extent at about 16% and hovering 6% for young people and overall residents, in that order.

In contrast, Germany and Denmark had a relatively limited jobless dweller rate in 2005. The figure for young German people who have not been employed accounted for below 15%, which ranked fourth among these examined countries. However, its total unemployment rate was higher than all of these nations, reaching 10%, except for that of Poland. Meanwhile, Denmark lagged behind Germany with only 7% and 3% of young people aged between 15 and 24 and the total population facing unemployment, which was the country that suffered the most limited impact to individuals of being jobless in the surveyed time.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"unemployed people" -> "unemployed individuals"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal and precise than "people" in academic writing, which enhances the formality of the text.
"the age of 15 to 24" -> "the age range of 15 to 24"
Explanation: "Age range" is a more specific and formal term than "age of," which is more commonly used in academic contexts.
"jobless dwellers" -> "unemployed residents"
Explanation: "Jobless dwellers" is an awkward and informal phrasing. "Unemployed residents" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"the former far exceeded the remaining countries" -> "the former exceeded the others"
Explanation: "The remaining countries" is redundant and less formal. "The others" is succinct and maintains the formal tone of the essay.
"unemployed rates of young people and overall population" -> "unemployment rates among young people and the general population"
Explanation: "Unemployment rates among young people and the general population" is more precise and formal, improving clarity and specificity.
"to south of" -> "below"
Explanation: "To south of" is an incorrect expression in this context. "Below" is the correct comparative term for describing percentages.
"jobless dweller rate" -> "unemployment rate"
Explanation: "Jobless dweller rate" is an awkward and informal construction. "Unemployment rate" is the standard term used in academic and formal contexts.
"young German people who have not been employed" -> "young German individuals who are unemployed"
Explanation: "Young German people who have not been employed" is verbose and informal. "Young German individuals who are unemployed" is concise and maintains formality.
"lagged behind Germany" -> "ranked lower than Germany"
Explanation: "Lagged behind" is an informal idiom. "Ranked lower than" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"suffered the most limited impact to individuals of being jobless" -> "was the country with the least unemployment impact"
Explanation: "Suffered the most limited impact to individuals of being jobless" is awkward and unclear. "Was the country with the least unemployment impact" is straightforward and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in unemployment rates for young people and the overall population in five European countries. The essay also presents and highlights key features/bullet points, such as the highest and lowest unemployment rates. However, the details provided are sometimes irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "Poland witnessed the highest unemployment rates while Denmark recorded the lowest in their number of jobless dwellers," but this is not entirely accurate. While Poland does have the highest unemployment rate for young people, Denmark does not have the lowest overall unemployment rate.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could provide specific figures for the unemployment rates in each country, rather than just stating that one country has a higher rate than another. The essay could also be improved by providing a more concise and focused overview of the main trends.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion at a Band 6 level. The organization of information generally progresses logically, with a clear introduction and overall structure. The essay attempts to compare and contrast unemployment rates among different European countries and age groups, although the progression of ideas is not consistently clear throughout the essay.

Cohesive devices are used, but there are instances where their use is repetitive or somewhat mechanical, such as repeated use of "unemployment rates" and "jobless dwellers". The essay uses paragraphing, but there are some issues with logical paragraph breaks, especially towards the end of the essay where transitions could be smoother between different countries’ statistics.

How to improve:

Improve Cohesive Devices: Try to vary cohesive devices more to avoid repetition and make connections between sentences and paragraphs clearer.
Enhance Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a clear central topic and that transitions between paragraphs are smoother to improve overall coherence.
Clarity in Progression: Work on ensuring a clearer overall progression of ideas throughout the essay, particularly in transitions between different countries and their unemployment statistics.

By addressing these points, the essay could achieve a higher band score for coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering basic descriptions of unemployment rates across European countries in 2005. There is an attempt to use some less common vocabulary ("proportion," "dweller," "accounted for"), although some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are noticeable ("jobless dwellers," "limited jobless dweller rate"). Additionally, there are several errors in word formation and spelling ("unemployed dweller," "to south of 10%"). These errors, however, do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource:

Aim for more precise and appropriate word choices and collocations.
Review spelling and word formation to minimize errors ("unemployed dweller" should be "unemployed individuals," "to south of 10%" should be "below 10%").
Expand vocabulary to include more varied and sophisticated lexical items.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a somewhat varied structure. There are instances of accurate grammar and punctuation, though some errors are present throughout. The errors do not significantly hinder communication but are noticeable, such as "jobless dwellers" instead of "unemployed individuals," and inconsistent sentence structure in some places.

How to improve:
To improve to a higher band score, aim to use a wider range of complex structures more consistently. Ensure greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation to reduce errors that occasionally affect clarity. Review sentence structure for consistency and precision in conveying ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart provides a comparison of unemployment percentages among individuals aged 15 to 24 and the overall population across five European countries in 2005.

Overall, youth unemployment rates were consistently higher than general unemployment rates across all surveyed nations. Poland exhibited the highest unemployment figures, while Denmark had the lowest.

Starting with Poland, Italy, and Hungary, Poland had significantly higher unemployment rates among young people, around 37%, compared to the overall unemployment rate of approximately 15%. Italy also experienced notable youth unemployment at just over 20%, whereas its overall unemployment rate was below 10%. Hungary showed similar patterns with youth unemployment around 16% and overall unemployment around 6%.

In contrast, Germany and Denmark had relatively lower unemployment rates in 2005. Germany’s youth unemployment was below 15%, ranking fourth among the surveyed countries, while its overall unemployment was 10%, except for Poland. Denmark had the lowest youth unemployment rate at 7%, and its overall unemployment was 3%, indicating the least impact of unemployment in the surveyed period.