Write a paragraph of 100-120 words on the following topic: “How do outdoor activities benefit high school students?”

Write a paragraph of 100-120 words on the following topic:
“How do outdoor activities benefit high school students?”

The outdoor activities provide many benefits for high school students. At breaktime, all the students want to rest after the lessons. The outdoor activities can improve students health, so it’s quite important. First, the outdoor activities can make the students feel better and comfortable after tired lessons. The students take off their stress by entertaining some activity likes play basketball, play badminton,…By the way, the students can feel less tired to prepare for the next lesson. Outdoor activities also help student recharge and get the blood pumping in their head to concentrate on the lecture. In addition, Outdoor activities also burn fat and cause more sweat, so students will also feel healthier and more refreshed. In conclusion, I think students should spend more time on outdoor activities.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The outdoor activities provide many benefits for high school students." -> "Engaging in outdoor activities offers numerous benefits for high school students."
   Explanation: The phrase "Engaging in outdoor activities" is more precise and formal than "The outdoor activities provide," which sounds somewhat passive and vague. "Numerous" is also more specific than "many," enhancing the academic tone.

2. "At breaktime, all the students want to rest after the lessons." -> "During breaks, students typically seek rest after lessons."
   Explanation: "During breaks" is more specific and formal than "At breaktime," and "typically seek" is a more academic way to express the common behavior of students.

3. "The outdoor activities can improve students health" -> "Outdoor activities can enhance students’ health"
   Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise and formal verb than "improve," and the possessive form "students’" is grammatically correct.

4. "so it’s quite important" -> "therefore, it is quite significant"
   Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "so," and "significant" is more academically appropriate than "important" in this context.

5. "make the students feel better and comfortable" -> "enhance students’ comfort and well-being"
   Explanation: "Enhance" is a more formal verb than "make," and "comfort and well-being" is a more precise and formal phrase than "feel better and comfortable."

6. "entertaining some activity likes play basketball, play badminton," -> "participating in activities such as basketball and badminton"
   Explanation: "Participating in activities" is more formal and precise than "entertaining some activity," and "such as" is more appropriate than "likes" in formal writing.

7. "By the way, the students can feel less tired to prepare for the next lesson." -> "Moreover, this can help students feel less fatigued before the next lesson."
   Explanation: "Moreover" is a more formal transitional phrase than "By the way," and "fatigued" is a more precise and formal term than "tired."

8. "Outdoor activities also help student recharge and get the blood pumping in their head to concentrate on the lecture." -> "Outdoor activities also aid students in recharging and increasing blood flow to the brain, enhancing their focus during lectures."
   Explanation: "Aid" is more formal than "help," and "increasing blood flow to the brain" is a more scientifically accurate and formal expression than "get the blood pumping in their head."

9. "Outdoor activities also burn fat and cause more sweat, so students will also feel healthier and more refreshed." -> "Outdoor activities also promote fat loss and increased perspiration, thereby enhancing students’ overall health and refreshment."
   Explanation: "Promote fat loss and increased perspiration" is a more scientifically accurate and formal way to describe the physical effects of outdoor activities, and "thereby enhancing" is a more formal way to connect cause and effect.

10. "In conclusion, I think students should spend more time on outdoor activities." -> "In conclusion, I advocate that students allocate more time to outdoor activities."
    Explanation: "I advocate that" is a more formal expression than "I think," and "allocate more time to" is a more precise and formal way to suggest time management.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the benefits of outdoor activities for high school students. However, it primarily focuses on physical health benefits and does not explore other potential benefits such as social skills development, emotional well-being, or academic performance enhancement. The mention of stress relief and improved concentration is a good start, but the essay lacks a comprehensive exploration of the topic.
  • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should include a broader range of benefits associated with outdoor activities. For instance, discussing how these activities foster teamwork and communication skills, or how they contribute to overall mental health, would provide a more rounded response. Including specific examples of outdoor activities and their diverse benefits could enhance the depth of the essay.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position that outdoor activities are beneficial, but it lacks a strong, clear thesis statement that encapsulates the main argument. The conclusion reiterates the importance of outdoor activities, but it does not tie back effectively to the specific benefits mentioned earlier in the essay, leading to a somewhat disjointed argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should start with a strong thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main benefits to be discussed. Each paragraph should then relate back to this thesis, ensuring that the position remains consistent throughout. A clear concluding statement that summarizes the key points made in the essay would also help reinforce the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits of outdoor activities, such as stress relief and improved health. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, the mention of playing basketball or badminton is vague and does not illustrate how these activities specifically benefit students.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples of outdoor activities and elaborate on how they contribute to students’ well-being. Including statistics or studies that support the claims made about the benefits of physical activity could also strengthen the argument. Additionally, organizing the essay into clear sections for each benefit could help in presenting and extending ideas more effectively.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing outdoor activities and their benefits. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing feeling "comfortable" after lessons, which could be more directly tied to the benefits of outdoor activities rather than being a standalone point.
  • How to improve: To improve focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every sentence directly relates to the benefits of outdoor activities. Avoiding vague statements and ensuring that each point made ties back to the main argument will help maintain topic adherence. A clear outline before writing could assist in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all points are relevant to the prompt.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the essay needs to be more comprehensive in addressing the prompt, maintain a clear and consistent position, provide well-supported ideas, and stay focused on the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits of outdoor activities for high school students. It begins with a general statement about the importance of outdoor activities, followed by specific benefits. However, the organization could be improved as some ideas feel slightly disjointed. For instance, the transition from discussing stress relief to health benefits could be smoother. The mention of “tired lessons” and “next lesson” could also be better connected to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the main argument. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition" can help connect ideas more effectively and guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraphing, which affects its readability. While it presents multiple ideas, they are all contained within a single paragraph. This can overwhelm the reader and obscure the main points being made. Each benefit of outdoor activities could be a separate paragraph, allowing for a more focused discussion on each aspect.
  • How to improve: Implementing a structured paragraph format would significantly enhance clarity. For example, start a new paragraph for each distinct benefit of outdoor activities, such as stress relief, health improvement, and increased concentration. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "first," "in addition," and "by the way," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases, such as "by the way," are informal and may not be appropriate for an academic essay. The use of cohesive devices could be more varied and sophisticated to enhance the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas. For example, instead of "by the way," use "Additionally" or "Furthermore" to maintain a formal tone. Incorporating phrases like "As a result," "Consequently," or "This leads to" can also help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of outdoor activities. Words like "benefits," "health," "stress," and "refreshed" are relevant and appropriate. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "outdoor activities" and "students." This repetition limits the overall lexical variety and richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "outdoor activities," alternatives like "physical pursuits," "recreational activities," or "sports" could be used. Additionally, employing more varied adjectives and verbs would make the writing more engaging.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "entertaining some activity likes play basketball" is awkward and unclear. The term "likes" should be "like," and "entertaining" is not the best choice in this context. The phrase "get the blood pumping in their head" is also misleading; it would be more accurate to say "get the blood pumping" without specifying "in their head."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of "entertaining some activity," a clearer phrase could be "participating in activities such as basketball." Additionally, reviewing phrases for clarity and correctness before finalizing the essay can help enhance precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "student" instead of "students" in the context of plural usage and "health" which is correctly spelled but could be better contextualized. The phrase "cause more sweat" is also a bit awkward; "promote sweating" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on pluralization and ensuring that all words are spelled correctly. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing practice that emphasizes spelling can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that might be overlooked when reading silently.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements and presents relevant ideas, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For example, it employs simple sentences such as "The outdoor activities provide many benefits for high school students." and compound sentences like "In addition, outdoor activities also burn fat and cause more sweat, so students will also feel healthier and more refreshed." However, the use of complex sentences is limited, which restricts the overall variety. The phrase "the students take off their stress by entertaining some activity likes play basketball, play badminton" contains awkward phrasing and lacks clarity, which detracts from the effectiveness of the structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "The outdoor activities can improve students health," the writer could say, "Although outdoor activities can improve students’ health, they also provide an opportunity for social interaction." This not only adds complexity but also enriches the content. Additionally, ensuring the correct use of articles and plural forms (e.g., "students’ health" instead of "students health") will improve clarity.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "students health" should be "students’ health," indicating possession. The phrase "entertaining some activity likes play basketball, play badminton" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "entertaining in activities like playing basketball and playing badminton." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas and the ellipsis in "play badminton,…" which is not appropriate in formal writing. The sentence "By the way, the students can feel less tired to prepare for the next lesson" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles and possessive forms. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors. Furthermore, practicing the formation of gerunds and infinitives will enhance sentence construction. For example, changing "to prepare for the next lesson" to "in preparation for the next lesson" would improve the flow. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and utilizing tools like grammar checkers can also aid in identifying and correcting mistakes.

By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their essay, potentially achieving a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

Outdoor activities provide numerous benefits for high school students. During break time, students typically seek rest after lessons. Engaging in outdoor activities can enhance students’ health, making it quite significant. First, these activities can help students feel better and more comfortable after tiring lessons. They relieve stress by participating in activities such as playing basketball or badminton. Moreover, this can help students feel less fatigued and better prepared for the next lesson. Outdoor activities also aid students in recharging and increasing blood flow to the brain, enhancing their focus during lectures. In addition, outdoor activities promote fat loss and increased perspiration, thereby enhancing students’ overall health and refreshment. In conclusion, I advocate that students allocate more time to outdoor activities.