In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
In some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city.
Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
In many parts of the world,individuals who enroll to university choose living with their parent during they studying. However , in other countries students decide to enroll university in another urban areas. The advantages and the drawbacks will be clarified in the next following paragraph.
It is clear that living near university where students was chosen to study can offer enormous benefit . The first significant merit of this is students can go to universities by easy way and cannot be late time. Another noteworthy strong point that living near university can offer is that they can get more opportunities to have a job. Besides, they can have many relationships and meet more friends in order to communicate and connect. Additionally , what makes living near university is that they can have more place to do active study such as libraries with many modern technology equipment to use , learn and research.
Nevertheless, some potential drawbacks of living far from their family can be listed. First, they must pay a exorbitant cost of living in urban areas . Because universities always place in metropolitan cities or the capital city. An additional of living without family, they will feel extremely alone and frightened as they can’t meet their parents day by day. Moreover, they must take care of themselves, and the price of medicine and the service of hospitals is overpriced if they live in cities. Furthermore, the safety of students live far from their family can be threatened by criminals, such as robbers, thieves, and terrorists.
In conclusion, it seems to me that the disadvantages of living away from home while studying in university are more considerable than its advantages.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"individuals who enroll to university" -> "individuals who enroll in a university"
Explanation: The preposition "in" is more appropriate than "to" when referring to enrollment in an institution, aligning with formal academic language. -
"choose living with their parent" -> "choose to live with their parents"
Explanation: "Choose living with" is grammatically incorrect. "Choose to live with" corrects the verb tense and adds the plural form "parents" to match the subject. -
"during they studying" -> "during their studies"
Explanation: "During they studying" is grammatically incorrect. "During their studies" corrects the verb form and maintains the formal tone. -
"in another urban areas" -> "in other urban areas"
Explanation: "Another urban areas" is grammatically incorrect. "Other urban areas" is the correct phrase. -
"will be clarified in the next following paragraph" -> "will be discussed in the following paragraphs"
Explanation: "The next following paragraph" is awkward and unclear. "The following paragraphs" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing. -
"students was chosen to study" -> "students who were chosen to study"
Explanation: "Students was" is grammatically incorrect. "Students who were chosen" corrects the verb agreement and maintains subject-verb agreement. -
"can offer enormous benefit" -> "offers significant benefits"
Explanation: "Can offer enormous benefit" is awkward and imprecise. "Offers significant benefits" is more formal and precise. -
"by easy way" -> "easily"
Explanation: "By easy way" is incorrect. "Easily" is the correct adverb form needed here. -
"cannot be late time" -> "cannot be late"
Explanation: "Late time" is redundant. "Late" is sufficient and more concise. -
"get more opportunities to have a job" -> "have more job opportunities"
Explanation: "Get more opportunities to have a job" is verbose. "Have more job opportunities" simplifies and clarifies the phrase. -
"many relationships and meet more friends" -> "many relationships and meet more people"
Explanation: "Friends" is too informal for academic writing. "People" is more appropriate and formal. -
"have more place to do active study" -> "have more places to engage in active study"
Explanation: "Have more place" is grammatically incorrect. "Have more places" corrects the plural form, and "engage in" is more formal than "do." -
"with many modern technology equipment to use" -> "with many modern technological equipment"
Explanation: "Technology equipment" is awkward and redundant. "Technological equipment" is the correct term. -
"pay a exorbitant cost" -> "pay an exorbitant cost"
Explanation: "A exorbitant cost" is grammatically incorrect. "An exorbitant cost" corrects the indefinite article. -
"Because universities always place in metropolitan cities" -> "Because universities are typically located in metropolitan cities"
Explanation: "Always place in" is incorrect. "Are typically located in" corrects the verb tense and provides a more precise description. -
"the price of medicine and the service of hospitals is overpriced" -> "the cost of medical services and hospital care is high"
Explanation: "The price of medicine and the service of hospitals is overpriced" is awkward and imprecise. "The cost of medical services and hospital care is high" is more specific and formal. -
"the safety of students live far from their family" -> "the safety of students living far from their families"
Explanation: "Students live" is incorrect in this context. "Students living" corrects the verb form, and "families" should be plural to match the subject. -
"can be threatened by criminals" -> "may be threatened by criminals"
Explanation: "Can be" is too absolute; "may be" is more appropriate for expressing possibility in academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living away from home during university. The introduction sets the stage for this discussion, and the body paragraphs provide examples of both perspectives. However, the essay does not explicitly state whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages until the conclusion, which could lead to some confusion about the author’s stance throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly outline their position in the introduction, indicating whether they believe the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. This could be followed by a brief summary of the main points that will be discussed, providing a roadmap for the reader.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay concludes with a clear position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, throughout the body paragraphs, the position is not consistently reinforced. For instance, while discussing the advantages, the writer does not counterbalance these points with a clear reference to the disadvantages until the end, which may confuse the reader about the overall argument.
- How to improve: The author should aim to present their position more consistently by linking back to their main argument in each paragraph. For example, after discussing an advantage, they could briefly mention how this advantage may not be sufficient to outweigh the disadvantages, thus maintaining a clear narrative throughout the essay.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of living away from home. However, the supporting details are somewhat underdeveloped. For instance, the point about job opportunities is made but not elaborated upon with specific examples or statistics, which would strengthen the argument. Similarly, the drawbacks are listed but could benefit from more in-depth exploration.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the essay, the writer should provide specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate their points. For instance, when discussing job opportunities, they could mention types of jobs students might find or how living away from home can enhance networking opportunities. Additionally, elaborating on the emotional aspects of living away from family could provide a more nuanced understanding of the disadvantages.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the pros and cons of living away from home. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For instance, the mention of safety concerns could be tied more directly to the context of studying and living arrangements rather than being presented as a standalone point.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates to the central question of whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. They could use topic sentences that clearly link back to the main argument and ensure that all supporting details are relevant to that argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in clarity, development of ideas, and focus on the main argument will enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing the advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of living near the university to the drawbacks of living away from home feels abrupt. The introduction mentions that both sides will be clarified in the following paragraphs, but it does not clearly indicate that the essay will discuss both perspectives before concluding.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help signal shifts between discussing advantages and disadvantages, making the flow more coherent.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate ideas, with one paragraph dedicated to the advantages and another to the disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be more focused. For example, the first body paragraph combines multiple ideas about benefits without clearly delineating them, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea. For instance, the advantages could be broken down into separate paragraphs for each benefit, such as convenience, job opportunities, and social connections. This would allow for more in-depth discussion and clearer presentation of each point.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "besides" and "moreover," to connect ideas. However, the range is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For instance, "living near university" is mentioned multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall cohesiveness of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "consequently," can enhance the flow of ideas. It would also be beneficial to use pronouns and demonstrative adjectives to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, creating a smoother connection between sentences and paragraphs.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in logical organization, focused paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate word choices such as "enormous benefit," "opportunities," and "relationships." However, there are instances of repetitive language and limited synonyms, particularly in phrases like "living near university" and "living far from their family." This repetition can detract from the overall impression of lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "living near university," alternatives such as "residing close to campus" or "studying in proximity to the university" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "independence," "social integration," or "academic resources," would enrich the essay.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "enroll to university" should be "enroll in university," and "by easy way" should be rephrased to "easily." Additionally, the term "exorbitant cost" is correctly used, but the phrase "the price of medicine and the service of hospitals is overpriced" could be simplified to "healthcare costs are high."
- How to improve: The writer should focus on refining their word choices for clarity. Practicing the use of collocations and common phrases in English can help. For instance, using "affordability of living expenses" instead of "pay a exorbitant cost" would enhance precision. Engaging with academic texts can also provide insight into appropriate vocabulary for formal writing.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "parent" (should be "parents"), "exorbitant" (misspelled as "exorbitant"), and "active study" (which is awkwardly phrased). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Engaging in regular writing exercises that focus on spelling can also help reinforce correct spelling patterns.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, refining word choices for clarity, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "students can go to universities by easy way" and "they can have many relationships and meet more friends" reflect a basic sentence construction. There are attempts at more complex structures, such as "what makes living near university is that they can have more place to do active study," but these are not always effectively executed. The use of phrases like "the advantages and the drawbacks will be clarified in the next following paragraph" indicates an attempt to structure the essay, but the phrasing is awkward and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. For example, using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although living near the university has its benefits, it can also lead to…") can add depth. Additionally, integrating conditional sentences (e.g., "If students live away from home, they may face…") would diversify the grammatical range. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in creating more complex structures.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, "individuals who enroll to university choose living with their parent during they studying" should be corrected to "individuals who enroll in university choose to live with their parents while studying." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "students was chosen to study," which should be "students are chosen to study." Punctuation errors, such as the missing space after commas and the incorrect use of "an additional of living without family," detract from the overall readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of prepositions, and correct article usage. Regular grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors, would be beneficial. Additionally, the writer should proofread their work for punctuation errors, ensuring that commas and periods are correctly placed. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly raise the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice and careful proofreading are essential steps for improvement.
Bài sửa mẫu
In many parts of the world, individuals who enroll in university choose to live with their parents during their studies. However, in other countries, students decide to attend university in other urban areas. The advantages and drawbacks will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
It is clear that living near the university where students are chosen to study can offer enormous benefits. The first significant merit of this is that students can go to university easily and cannot be late. Another noteworthy point that living near the university can offer is that they can have more job opportunities. Besides, they can develop many relationships and meet more friends in order to communicate and connect. Additionally, what makes living near the university beneficial is that they can have more places to engage in active study, such as libraries with many modern technological equipment to use, learn, and research.
Nevertheless, some potential drawbacks of living far from their family can be listed. First, they must pay an exorbitant cost of living in urban areas because universities are typically located in metropolitan cities or the capital city. An additional drawback of living without family is that they will feel extremely alone and frightened as they cannot meet their parents daily. Moreover, they must take care of themselves, and the cost of medical services and hospital care is high if they live in cities. Furthermore, the safety of students living far from their families may be threatened by criminals, such as robbers, thieves, and terrorists.
In conclusion, it seems to me that the disadvantages of living away from home while studying at university are more considerable than the advantages.
