Some people believe the purpose of education should be helping the individual to become useful for society, while others believe it should help individuals to achieve their ambitions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Nowadays, learning is one of the most essential and important aspects of our lives. Some people believe that learning can help each person achieve personal aspiration while/whereas others think educational training helps individuals become useful for society. From my perspective, I am in favour of the latter view.
On the one hand, learning has had a profound impact on our modern life, fostering a developed and civilized society. Through education, students are equipped with skills and qualifications for their future jobs, thereby creating them more job opportunities. Having secure job, as a result, helps to reduce criminal activities and improve employment rates in society. Furthermore, learning fosters social responsibility and instills a sense of contributing meaningfully to the community.
On the other hand, education also helps individuals achieving their personal ambitions, such as promoting personal growth and self-improvement. This allows individuals to pursue their passions and talents, enabling them to have a more fulfilling life. Moreover, acquiring knowledge increases opportunities for career advancement. To be more specific, having multiple degrees or certificates can make a candidate more competitive in the job market. That candidate can easily surpass the others, leading to more higher salary or higher-level positions.
In conclusion, learning is crucial in promoting social development and individual ambition, but its primary purpose is to advance society in all aspects. Ultimately, education helps each individual in society address their needs and fosters healthy development.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"one of the most essential and important" -> "one of the most crucial and vital"
Explanation: "Crucial" and "vital" are more precise and formal terms that enhance the academic tone, replacing the redundant and less formal "essential and important."
"achieve personal aspiration" -> "achieve personal aspirations"
Explanation: The plural form "aspirations" is necessary to reflect that individuals have multiple aspirations, not just one.
"whereas" -> "whereas"
Explanation: "Whereas" is grammatically correct and maintains the formal tone of the essay.
"educational training helps individuals become useful for society" -> "educational training enables individuals to contribute to society"
Explanation: "Enables" is more precise and formal than "helps," and "contribute to society" is a more specific and academically appropriate phrase than "become useful for society."
"has had a profound impact" -> "has had a profound impact"
Explanation: The phrase "has had" is grammatically correct and maintains the formal tone.
"fostering a developed and civilized society" -> "fostering a more developed and civilized society"
Explanation: Adding "more" clarifies the intended meaning, indicating a progression towards a more developed and civilized society.
"Having secure job" -> "Having a secure job"
Explanation: Adding "a" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.
"as a result" -> "thereby"
Explanation: "Thereby" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the more casual "as a result."
"fosters social responsibility and instills a sense of contributing meaningfully to the community" -> "fosters social responsibility and instills a sense of meaningful contribution to the community"
Explanation: "Meaningful contribution" is a more precise and formal expression than "contributing meaningfully."
"helps individuals achieving their personal ambitions" -> "helps individuals achieve their personal ambitions"
Explanation: Correcting the verb form to "achieve" aligns with subject-verb agreement and maintains the formal tone.
"promoting personal growth and self-improvement" -> "promoting personal growth and self-improvement"
Explanation: This is a repetition of the same phrase, which is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and conciseness.
"That candidate can easily surpass the others, leading to more higher salary or higher-level positions" -> "That candidate can easily surpass others, leading to higher salaries or higher-level positions"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "others" corrects the grammatical error, and "salaries" and "positions" should be plural to match the context.
"more higher salary or higher-level positions" -> "higher salaries or higher-level positions"
Explanation: Removing "more" corrects the redundancy and maintains the formal tone.
"helps each individual in society address their needs" -> "helps each individual in society address their needs"
Explanation: This is a repetition of the same phrase, which is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and conciseness.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding the purpose of education. However, it does so in a limited manner. The first paragraph outlines the belief that education should help individuals become useful for society, but the discussion on personal ambitions is less developed. The essay mentions personal growth and career advancement but lacks depth and specific examples that would illustrate these points effectively. The conclusion reiterates the main ideas but does not fully synthesize the discussion or provide a clear stance on which side is more valid.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should ensure that both sides are given equal weight and detail. Each side should be explored with specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the points being made. Additionally, the conclusion should clearly state the writer’s opinion after discussing both sides, providing a more definitive answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a position in favor of education serving societal purposes, but this stance is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction presents the writer’s opinion, but the body paragraphs do not clearly link back to this position. The discussion of personal ambitions, while valid, detracts from the main argument and creates ambiguity about the writer’s true stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their main argument in each paragraph. This can be achieved by starting each paragraph with a topic sentence that reflects the writer’s viewpoint and then supporting it with relevant examples. Additionally, the conclusion should reiterate the position clearly, summarizing the arguments made in favor of that stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both societal usefulness and personal ambition, but these ideas are not well-developed. For instance, the point about education reducing criminal activities is mentioned but not elaborated upon. Similarly, the benefits of personal ambition are noted, but the discussion lacks depth and specific examples that could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing examples, statistics, or real-life scenarios that illustrate the benefits of education in both contexts. Additionally, using linking words and phrases can help to create a more cohesive flow of ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the purpose of education. However, the exploration of personal ambitions sometimes feels tangential, especially when it is not clearly connected back to the main argument about societal usefulness. This can lead to a perception of a lack of focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. When discussing personal ambitions, it should be framed in a way that connects it to societal benefits, perhaps by discussing how fulfilling personal ambitions can lead to contributions to society. Clear transitions between points can also help maintain the essay’s focus.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim to provide a more balanced exploration of both sides of the argument, maintain a clear and consistent position, develop ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all points made stay relevant to the topic. Additionally, addressing the word count issue by expanding on ideas will also contribute positively to the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by presenting the two viewpoints. Each body paragraph is dedicated to one side of the argument, which helps in maintaining focus. However, the transition between the two sides could be smoother. For example, the phrase "On the one hand" is followed by a strong argument for societal utility, but the transition to the opposing view lacks a linking sentence that would better connect the two ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases or sentences that summarize the previous point before introducing the next. For instance, after discussing the societal benefits of education, a sentence like "Conversely, it is equally important to recognize the role of education in personal development" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the use of topic sentences helps to establish the focus of each section. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from further subdivision, as it contains multiple ideas that could be more clearly articulated if separated into two distinct paragraphs.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two: one focusing on personal growth and self-improvement, and the other on career advancement and competitiveness. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point and improve clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices effectively, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which clearly delineate the two sides of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used, but there are opportunities to incorporate more varied devices to enhance the flow, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, try to incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. This could include using synonyms for "furthermore" or "moreover" to avoid repetition and enhance the overall fluidity of the text. Additionally, consider using pronouns or demonstrative adjectives to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help create a more cohesive narrative.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement that could elevate the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument. By enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "essential," "impact," "social responsibility," and "personal growth." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. For instance, the phrase "learning" is used multiple times without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness. Additionally, phrases such as "help each person achieve personal aspiration" could be more varied in expression.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "learning," alternatives such as "education," "studying," or "academic pursuits" could be employed. Furthermore, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "empowerment," "self-actualization," or "societal contribution," would elevate the essay’s lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its intended meaning, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "creating them more job opportunities" is awkward and unclear. The use of "achieving their personal ambitions" could also be more precisely articulated as "realizing their personal ambitions" or "fulfilling their personal goals." Additionally, the phrase "more higher salary" is grammatically incorrect and should be revised to "higher salaries."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. Reviewing vocabulary in context and utilizing resources like thesauruses or vocabulary lists can help refine word choice. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in achieving greater precision in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "aspiration" (used as "aspiration" instead of "aspirations") and "achieving" (used incorrectly in context). While the overall spelling is mostly accurate, these minor mistakes can detract from the clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing regularly can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the overall quality of the writing and potentially increase the band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Through education, students are equipped with skills and qualifications for their future jobs, thereby creating them more job opportunities" showcases the writer’s ability to combine ideas effectively. Additionally, the contrastive structure in "Some people believe that learning can help each person achieve personal aspiration while/whereas others think educational training helps individuals become useful for society" indicates an understanding of how to present opposing views. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph, where many sentences begin with "Having" or "Moreover," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Having," the writer could use alternatives like "In addition to securing a job," or "By obtaining a degree," to introduce ideas. Furthermore, integrating more compound-complex sentences could enrich the text, allowing for more nuanced arguments.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that impact clarity. For example, the phrase "Having secure job" should be "Having a secure job," indicating a missing article. Additionally, the sentence "That candidate can easily surpass the others, leading to more higher salary or higher-level positions" contains redundancy with "more higher," which should be corrected to "higher salaries or higher-level positions." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but the use of commas could be improved for better readability, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors such as missing articles and redundancy. Practicing sentence construction with attention to articles and modifiers can help avoid these mistakes. Additionally, revising punctuation usage, especially in complex sentences, can enhance clarity. For instance, breaking down overly long sentences or using semicolons to separate closely related independent clauses can improve flow and comprehension.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, learning is one of the most crucial and vital aspects of our lives. Some people believe that learning can help each person achieve personal aspirations, whereas others think educational training helps individuals become useful for society. From my perspective, I am in favour of the latter view.

On the one hand, learning has had a profound impact on our modern life, fostering a more developed and civilized society. Through education, students are equipped with skills and qualifications for their future jobs, thereby creating more job opportunities for them. Having a secure job, as a result, helps to reduce criminal activities and improve employment rates in society. Furthermore, learning fosters social responsibility and instills a sense of meaningful contribution to the community.

On the other hand, education also helps individuals achieve their personal ambitions, such as promoting personal growth and self-improvement. This allows individuals to pursue their passions and talents, enabling them to have a more fulfilling life. Moreover, acquiring knowledge increases opportunities for career advancement. To be more specific, having multiple degrees or certificates can make a candidate more competitive in the job market. That candidate can easily surpass others, leading to higher salaries or higher-level positions.

In conclusion, learning is crucial in promoting social development and individual ambition, but its primary purpose is to advance society in all aspects. Ultimately, education helps each individual in society address their needs and fosters healthy development.