In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages? Write an essay about 350 words.

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?
Write an essay about 350 words.

The trend towards raising the retirement age from workforce has become a subject of significant discourses. While it is undoubtedly a powerful force that could pave a way for passing valuable experience to the next generations. In my opinion, its disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

Understanding of the benefits of this an statement is one of the keys to determine the drawbacks. A notable upside is that older generations have gain a variety of important lessons to to from their entire life, which could be conducive to young people in the process of honing fundamental knowledge knowledge relating to their future. By taking advantages of holding conversation with old-aged individuals, youngsters enable to break the new ground in their own fields due to sound advice from long-lasting workers. This, in turn, could underpin a successful career in later life as well as assist young generations to reduce those might jeopardize their whole future.

However, the drawbacks of high retirement age far outweigh the gains. Over old-aged rate, in o way, evokes the different to their families. This could be seen in the way there are a proportion of families hasn’t got the wherewithal to handle all meet demands of all members if there’s a those person members a member who are under retirement are that play a vital role in handling family’s finance. this could have serious repercussion for whole family. Such children might have difficulty in getting into school.

In conclusion, this phenomenon clearly interfere with the family’s economy. So it is important that government realize give suitable policies to cope with this situation.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "raising the retirement age from workforce" -> "increasing the retirement age in the workforce"
   Explanation: The phrase "from workforce" is awkward and unclear. "In the workforce" is more natural and precise, improving the grammatical accuracy and clarity of the sentence.

2. "a subject of significant discourses" -> "a topic of significant discussion"
   Explanation: "Discourses" is an overused and somewhat vague term in this context. "Discussion" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing, enhancing clarity and specificity.

3. "pave a way for passing valuable experience" -> "facilitate the transfer of valuable experience"
   Explanation: "Pave a way for passing" is awkward and unclear. "Facilitate the transfer of" is more precise and formal, aligning better with academic style.

4. "its disadvantages outweigh the advantages" -> "its disadvantages outweigh the benefits"
   Explanation: "Advantages" can be replaced with "benefits" to maintain a more formal tone and to avoid redundancy with "disadvantages."

5. "Understanding of the benefits of this an statement" -> "Understanding the benefits of this statement"
   Explanation: Removing "of" after "Understanding" corrects the grammatical error and simplifies the phrase, making it more direct and clear.

6. "older generations have gain a variety of important lessons" -> "older generations have gained a variety of important lessons"
   Explanation: "Gain" should be "gained" to correct the verb tense consistency, ensuring grammatical accuracy.

7. "to to from their entire life" -> "from their entire lives"
   Explanation: The phrase "to to from" is grammatically incorrect. "From their entire lives" corrects this and improves readability.

8. "knowledge relating to their future" -> "knowledge relevant to their future"
   Explanation: "Relating" is less formal than "relevant," which is more precise and suitable for academic writing.

9. "By taking advantages of holding conversation" -> "By taking advantage of holding conversations"
   Explanation: "Advantages" should be "advantage" for grammatical correctness, and "conversations" should be plural to match the context.

10. "youngsters enable to break the new ground" -> "youngsters can break new ground"
    Explanation: "Enable to" is awkward and incorrect. "Can" is the correct auxiliary verb for enabling action, and "break new ground" is an idiomatic expression that is more natural in this context.

11. "underpin a successful career" -> "underpin their successful careers"
    Explanation: Adding "their" clarifies that the careers belong to the young generations, and using "careers" in the plural form matches the context of multiple individuals.

12. "those might jeopardize their whole future" -> "which might jeopardize their entire futures"
    Explanation: "Those" is vague and imprecise; "which" is more specific and appropriate. Also, "their entire futures" is grammatically correct and clearer than "their whole future."

13. "Over old-aged rate" -> "the high retirement age"
    Explanation: "Over old-aged rate" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "The high retirement age" is clear and correct.

14. "in o way, evokes the different to their families" -> "in no way, affects their families differently"
    Explanation: "In o way" is a typographical error; "in no way" is correct. "Evokes the different to" is grammatically incorrect; "affects their families differently" is the correct and clear alternative.

15. "hasn’t got the wherewithal" -> "does not have the resources"
    Explanation: "Hasn’t got" is informal and grammatically incorrect. "Does not have the resources" is formal and precise.

16. "all meet demands of all members" -> "all the needs of all family members"
    Explanation: "Meet demands" is vague; "needs" is more specific and appropriate in this context, and "family members" clarifies the scope.

17. "this could have serious repercussion for whole family" -> "this could have serious repercussions for the entire family"
    Explanation: "Repercussion" should be plural to match the potential consequences, and "the entire family" is grammatically correct and clearer.

18. "clearly interfere with the family’s economy" -> "clearly affects the family’s economy"
    Explanation: "Interfere" is not the correct verb here; "affects" is the appropriate verb for describing the impact on the family’s economy.

19. "government realize give suitable policies" -> "the government should implement suitable policies"
    Explanation: "Realize give" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Should implement" is grammatically correct and formal, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. However, the exploration of the advantages is superficial and lacks depth. The author mentions that older generations can pass on valuable experience but fails to elaborate on how this specifically benefits society or the economy. The disadvantages, while mentioned, are not clearly articulated or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the statement about families struggling financially due to older family members working longer is vague and lacks specific evidence or statistics.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion of both sides. The author should clearly outline specific advantages, such as increased workforce participation and economic benefits, and support these points with examples or data. Similarly, the disadvantages should be elaborated upon with concrete examples that illustrate the impact on families and society.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear opinion that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages; however, this position is not consistently maintained throughout the text. The introduction presents a strong stance, but the body paragraphs lack coherence in supporting this position. For example, the transition from discussing advantages to disadvantages is abrupt, and the reasoning behind the disadvantages is not fully developed. The conclusion reiterates the stance but does not summarize the key arguments effectively.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should use topic sentences that reflect the main argument of each paragraph. Each paragraph should begin with a clear statement that ties back to the thesis, followed by supporting details that reinforce the position. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, particularly regarding the advantages of experience and the disadvantages related to family finances. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported. For instance, the mention of "valuable lessons" from older generations is vague and lacks specific examples of what these lessons might be or how they could be applied. The discussion of family financial struggles is similarly underdeveloped, lacking detail on how this impacts children’s education or family dynamics.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, when discussing the benefits of experience, the author could include examples of industries where older workers significantly contribute to mentoring younger employees. Similarly, when discussing disadvantages, the author should provide specific scenarios that illustrate the financial strain on families.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the retirement age and its implications. However, there are instances where the writing becomes convoluted, leading to confusion. For example, phrases like "over old-aged rate" and "hasn’t got the wherewithal to handle all meet demands" detract from clarity and coherence, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. Additionally, some sentences are overly complex and poorly structured, which can lead to misunderstandings.
  • How to improve: To improve focus and clarity, the author should aim for simpler sentence structures and clearer language. Each sentence should directly contribute to the argument being made. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can help ensure that the essay remains on topic and is easily understandable.

Overall, while the essay shows an attempt to engage with the prompt, significant improvements in clarity, depth, and coherence are necessary to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. However, the logical flow is disrupted by unclear transitions and incomplete thoughts. For instance, the first paragraph starts with a general statement but abruptly shifts to the writer’s opinion without a clear connection. The second paragraph introduces the benefits but lacks a clear topic sentence and logical progression of ideas. The third paragraph, which discusses the drawbacks, is particularly difficult to follow due to convoluted sentences and unclear points.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Ensure each sentence logically follows the previous one, building a coherent argument. Use clear transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through your essay. For example, after discussing the benefits, you could use a transition like "Despite these advantages, there are significant drawbacks to consider."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure within each paragraph is weak. The paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and often contain multiple ideas that are not well-connected. For example, the second paragraph attempts to discuss the benefits but jumps between different points without clear connections. The third paragraph, which should focus on the drawbacks, is muddled and difficult to follow.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, introduced by a topic sentence. Develop this idea with supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, the second paragraph could start with "One significant advantage of raising the retirement age is the valuable experience older workers can pass on to younger generations," followed by specific examples and explanations.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but they are often misused or overused, leading to confusion. Phrases like "in turn" and "this could be seen" are used, but not always appropriately. Additionally, there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as "knowledge knowledge" and "to to from their entire life," which disrupt the flow.
  • How to improve: Diversify and correctly use cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs. Use conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore," "moreover") to show relationships between ideas. Avoid repetition and ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly. For example, instead of repeating "knowledge knowledge," you could say "fundamental knowledge and skills." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly connects the ideas it is meant to link.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a more coherent and cohesive structure, improving the overall readability and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "significant discourses," "valuable experience," and "conducive." However, the range is limited and often repetitive, particularly with phrases like "old-aged individuals" and "young generations." The use of "high retirement age" and "over old-aged rate" is awkward and lacks variety, which detracts from the overall lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "old-aged," consider terms like "elderly," "senior citizens," or "older adults." Additionally, using more varied expressions for "advantages" and "disadvantages" can help diversify the language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "high retirement age far outweigh the gains" could be clearer if rephrased to "the disadvantages of a higher retirement age far outweigh the advantages." The phrase "hasn’t got the wherewithal" is also informal and may not fit the academic tone expected in IELTS essays.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. Using more formal and precise language will enhance the essay’s academic tone. For example, replacing "hasn’t got the wherewithal" with "lack the necessary resources" would convey the message more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "discourses," "gain," "to to," "old-aged," "repercussion," and "interfere." These mistakes not only affect readability but also undermine the writer’s credibility. The phrase "those might jeopardize their whole future" is also awkwardly constructed and could be misinterpreted.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary will build confidence and accuracy in writing.

In summary, while the essay shows an effort to engage with the topic and present arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are essential for achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the quality of the writing but also improve overall clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("While it is undoubtedly a powerful force that could pave a way for passing valuable experience to the next generations"). However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure. For example, phrases like "older generations have gain a variety of important lessons" and "youngsters enable to break the new ground" exhibit a lack of complexity and variation. Additionally, there are several instances of awkward constructions that hinder clarity and fluidity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating different types of sentences, such as compound and complex sentences, to create more engaging and sophisticated writing. For instance, combining shorter sentences into more complex ones or using introductory clauses can add depth. Additionally, varying the placement of clauses and phrases can help maintain reader interest and improve the overall flow of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity and professionalism. For example, "have gain" should be "have gained," and "to to from their entire life" is a typographical error that disrupts comprehension. Furthermore, the phrase "this could have serious repercussion for whole family" lacks the article "the" before "whole family," which is necessary for grammatical accuracy. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization ("old-aged individuals"), contribute to a lack of clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and sentence boundaries, will enhance clarity. Reading more academic essays can provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage, which can be emulated in future writing.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the quality of the writing. Regular practice, feedback, and revision will help the writer develop a more sophisticated command of the English language.

Bài sửa mẫu

The trend towards raising the retirement age from the workforce has become a topic of significant discussion. While it is undoubtedly a powerful force that could pave the way for passing valuable experience to the next generations, in my opinion, its disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

Understanding the benefits of this statement is one of the keys to determining the drawbacks. A notable upside is that older generations have gained a variety of important lessons from their entire lives, which could be conducive to young people in the process of honing fundamental knowledge relevant to their future. By taking advantage of holding conversations with older individuals, youngsters are enabled to break new ground in their own fields due to sound advice from long-serving workers. This, in turn, could underpin a successful career in later life as well as assist young generations in reducing risks that might jeopardize their entire futures.

However, the drawbacks of a high retirement age far outweigh the gains. The increased retirement age, in no way, affects families differently. This could be seen in the way that there are a proportion of families that do not have the resources to meet the demands of all members if there are individuals who are under retirement age that play a vital role in handling the family’s finances. This could have serious repercussions for the entire family, and such children might have difficulty in getting into school.

In conclusion, this phenomenon clearly affects the family’s economy. Therefore, it is important that the government implements suitable policies to cope with this situation.