The table below shows the worldwide market share of the notebook computer market for manufacturers in the years 2006 and 2007

The table below illustrates the worldwide market share that various manufacturers held for notebook computer in the years 2006 and 2007

Overall, while HP, Dell and Toshiba showed an upward trend in market share, that of Acer, Lenovo, Fujitsu-siemens and other unidentified producers experienced a decrease. Additionally, the market share of HP and Dell increased significantly, while Fujitsu-Siemens and "other" sectors decreased remarkably.

Regarding HP, this company possessed 31.6% of the 2006 market share, which was nearly double the share of Dell, whose percentage stood at 16.6%. While HP's market share increased to 34% in 2007, that of Dell increased to 20.2%, which was more significant compared to a slight uptick of Toshiba's percentage 6.2% to 7.3%

The market share of unidentified manufacturers, which was higher than that of Acer, Lenovo and Fujitsu-siemens combined, decreased from 22.8% to 19.3%. Fujitsu-siemens shows a similar trend with market share experiencing a drop by 2.5%, bringing its market share from 4.8% to 2.3%. While Lenovo decreased from 6.6% to 6.2% in market share, Acer decreased from 11.6% to 10.7%

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the table below illustrates" -> "the table below depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in this context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"various manufacturers held" -> "various manufacturers maintained"
Explanation: "Maintained" is more specific and appropriate in this context, indicating a consistent presence or level of market share over time.
"showed an upward trend" -> "exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal and academically suitable than "showed," aligning better with the formal style of academic writing.
"decrease" -> "decline"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more precise term in economic and statistical contexts, suggesting a downward trend in market share.
"increased significantly" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is a more formal way to describe the change in market share, emphasizing the extent of the change.
"decreased remarkably" -> "experienced a substantial decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a substantial decline" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "remarkably."
"possessed" -> "held"
Explanation: "Held" is more commonly used in business and economic contexts to describe ownership or control of market share.
"nearly double" -> "nearly twice"
Explanation: "Twice" is a more precise numerical expression than "nearly double," enhancing the academic tone by avoiding approximation.
"more significant compared to a slight uptick" -> "more significant than a slight increase"
Explanation: "More significant than a slight increase" is clearer and more direct, avoiding the awkward construction of "compared to."
"unidentified manufacturers" -> "other manufacturers"
Explanation: "Other manufacturers" is more concise and avoids the unnecessary use of "unidentified," which can be seen as vague or imprecise.
"higher than that of Acer, Lenovo and Fujitsu-siemens combined" -> "greater than the combined market share of Acer, Lenovo, and Fujitsu-Siemens"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and uses a more formal structure, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"Fujitsu-siemens shows a similar trend" -> "Fujitsu-Siemens exhibited a similar trend"
Explanation: "Exhibited" is more formal and precise than "shows," aligning better with the academic style.
"market share experiencing a drop by 2.5%" -> "market share decreased by 2.5%"
Explanation: "Decreased" is more direct and formal than "experiencing a drop," which is somewhat colloquial.
"bringing its market share from 4.8% to 2.3%" -> "reducing its market share from 4.8% to 2.3%"
Explanation: "Reducing" is a more precise verb for describing a decrease in market share, and it avoids the less formal "bringing."
"decreased from 11.6% to 10.7%" -> "decreased from 11.6% to 10.7%"
Explanation: No change needed here, as the original is already formal and clear.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the increase in market share for HP and Dell and the decrease for Fujitsu-Siemens and "other" manufacturers. The essay also presents some key features, such as the significant increase in HP’s market share and the decrease in the market share of unidentified manufacturers. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant, such as the comparison of HP and Dell’s market share in 2006.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the key features and by avoiding irrelevant details. For example, the essay could discuss the reasons for the increase in HP and Dell’s market share and the decrease in Fujitsu-Siemens and "other" manufacturers’ market share. The essay could also provide more specific examples to support its claims.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:

The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, and there is a clear overall progression from one point to the next.
Cohesive devices such as "while," "additionally," "regarding," and "which" are used effectively, though there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences feels somewhat mechanical.
Paragraphing is used, but it is not always logical. For example, the second paragraph combines information about HP and Dell, which could be better separated for clarity.

How to improve:

Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single central topic. For instance, separate the information about HP and Dell into distinct paragraphs to enhance clarity.
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to avoid mechanical repetition and improve the natural flow of the text.
Pay attention to the logical sequencing of ideas within paragraphs to ensure that each point builds on the previous one smoothly.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common terms. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice (e.g., "unidentified producers" instead of "unidentified manufacturers") and some awkward phrasing that detracts from clarity. There are also minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Fujitsu-siemens" which should be "Fujitsu-Siemens." These issues do not severely impede communication but do indicate a need for improvement in precision and control.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise terms. Additionally, practicing the correct spelling and capitalization of brand names and ensuring that word choices are contextually appropriate will help improve clarity. Incorporating a wider range of synonyms and avoiding repetition can also elevate the overall quality of the vocabulary used.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. There are some grammatical errors present, such as "Fujitsu-siemens shows a similar trend" (should be "showed") and issues with punctuation, particularly in the use of commas. However, these errors do not significantly hinder communication, as the overall meaning is still clear. The essay maintains a logical structure and presents relevant information, but the grammatical inaccuracies and occasional awkward phrasing prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To improve the score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and ensuring consistent verb tenses. Increasing the variety of sentence structures and reducing the frequency of grammatical mistakes will also help. Additionally, refining punctuation use and ensuring that all sentences are complete and correctly formed will contribute to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table below illustrates the worldwide market share that various manufacturers held for notebook computers in the years 2006 and 2007.

Overall, while HP, Dell, and Toshiba demonstrated an upward trend in market share, Acer, Lenovo, Fujitsu-Siemens, and other unidentified producers experienced a decline. Additionally, the market shares of HP and Dell increased significantly, whereas those of Fujitsu-Siemens and the "other" category decreased markedly.

Regarding HP, this company possessed 31.6% of the market share in 2006, which was nearly double that of Dell, whose percentage stood at 16.6%. While HP’s market share rose to 34% in 2007, Dell’s share increased to 20.2%, which was more substantial compared to Toshiba’s slight uptick from 6.2% to 7.3%.

The market share of unidentified manufacturers, which was higher than that of Acer, Lenovo, and Fujitsu-Siemens combined, decreased from 22.8% to 19.3%. Fujitsu-Siemens exhibited a similar trend, with its market share dropping by 2.5%, bringing it down from 4.8% to 2.3%. While Lenovo’s market share decreased from 6.6% to 6.2%, Acer’s share fell from 11.6% to 10.7%.