The chart below shows the percentage of a drug company’s total sales, by region, from 2002 to 2006.

The given bar chart provides information about the distribution of a drug firm’s entire sales from three regions between 2002 and 2006.
Overall, the percentage of drug sales derived from Asia gradually increased throughout the period of five years, while the reverse was true for the proportions of drug sales in Europe and America despite some minor increases.

In terms of the smallest contributor in 2002, Asia shared only a quarter of total sales. However, this region showed a remarkable upward trend afterwards, surpassed Europe and America to become the largest contributor thanks to 40% in 2006.

In contrast, the proportion of drug sales in 2002 mostly came from America, with 41% recorded. Although this figure then fell remarkably to the smaller number ranging from 27% to 30% in the last three years, the number was still relatively substantial.

Regarding Europe, this region contributed nearly a third of the whole sales of drug in 2002 and then increased to the peak at 38% in 2004 before falling suddenly towards the end of the period. Eventually, the figure for Europe was the same as that for America, given at 30% of the total sales.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the given bar chart" -> "the provided bar chart"
Explanation: "Provided" is a more formal term than "given," which is often used in informal contexts, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"distribution of a drug firm’s entire sales" -> "distribution of the entire sales of a pharmaceutical company"
Explanation: "Pharmaceutical company" is a more precise term than "drug firm," and "the entire sales" is more formal and clear than "a drug firm’s entire sales."
"gradually increased" -> "steadily increased"
Explanation: "Steadily" conveys a more consistent and predictable pattern of growth, which is more suitable for an academic description of trends.
"the reverse was true for" -> "the opposite was true for"
Explanation: "The opposite" is a more precise and formal way to indicate a contrasting trend compared to "the reverse."
"minor increases" -> "modest increases"
Explanation: "Modest" is a more academically appropriate term than "minor," which can sound too informal and vague.
"remarkable upward trend" -> "significant upward trend"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more formal and precise term than "remarkable," which can be seen as overly emotional for academic writing.
"surpassed Europe and America" -> "exceeded those of Europe and America"
Explanation: Adding "those of" clarifies that the comparison is being made to the previous values mentioned, enhancing clarity and formality.
"the smallest contributor" -> "the smallest contributor in terms of sales"
Explanation: Adding "in terms of sales" specifies what aspect of the data is being referred to, enhancing clarity and precision.
"remarkable upward trend" -> "substantial increase"
Explanation: "Substantial increase" is a more precise and formal way to describe a significant change in data.
"the number was still relatively substantial" -> "the figure remained substantial"
Explanation: "Remained" is more precise and formal than "was still," and "figure" is preferred over "number" in formal writing to refer to data.
"the whole sales of drug" -> "the total sales of drugs"
Explanation: "Total sales" is grammatically correct and more formal than "whole sales," and "drugs" should be plural to match the context.
"fell remarkably" -> "dropped significantly"
Explanation: "Dropped significantly" is a more formal and precise term than "fell remarkably," which is somewhat colloquial.
"the same as that for America" -> "equivalent to that for the United States"
Explanation: "Equivalent to" is more formal than "the same as," and "the United States" is more specific than "America," which can be ambiguous.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the chart, highlighting the key features of the data. The essay also makes appropriate comparisons between the regions. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more specific details about the changes in sales percentages over time.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in sales percentages over time. For example, the essay could state that Asia’s sales percentage increased by 15% between 2002 and 2006, while America’s sales percentage decreased by 11% over the same period. The essay could also provide more specific examples of the key features of the data, such as the fact that Europe’s sales percentage peaked in 2004.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout the response. Each paragraph presents a distinct aspect of the data, with a clear central topic. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, though there are instances of slight overuse, particularly in transitions between sentences. The paragraphing is generally effective, but there are moments where the flow could be improved for better clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices to avoid any sense of mechanical repetition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next would enhance coherence. More explicit referencing could also clarify relationships between ideas, helping to solidify the overall progression of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the bar chart. The use of phrases such as "remarkable upward trend," "largest contributor," and "fell remarkably" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the smallest contributor in 2002" which could be more clearly stated as "the smallest contributor to total sales in 2002." Additionally, there are minor inaccuracies in word formation, such as "the whole sales of drug," which should be "the total sales of drugs." These factors prevent the essay from reaching a higher band score.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary and ensuring that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context. Additionally, minimizing errors in word formation and collocation will contribute to a clearer and more sophisticated expression of ideas. Incorporating more uncommon lexical items and ensuring their correct usage can also elevate the score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, which aligns well with the criteria for Band 7. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, although there are a few minor errors present, such as "the smallest contributor in 2002" which could be more clearly expressed as "the smallest contributor in 2002 was Asia." Overall, the grammatical range is adequate, but the presence of some errors prevents a higher score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on minimizing grammatical errors and enhancing the complexity of sentence structures. This can be done by incorporating more varied sentence types and ensuring that all sentences are error-free. Additionally, reviewing the use of articles and prepositions could help improve clarity and accuracy in expression.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart provides information about the distribution of a drug company’s total sales across three regions from 2002 to 2006. Overall, the percentage of drug sales derived from Asia gradually increased throughout the five-year period, while the opposite trend was observed for the proportions of drug sales in Europe and America, despite some minor increases.

In terms of the smallest contributor in 2002, Asia accounted for only a quarter of total sales. However, this region exhibited a remarkable upward trend thereafter, surpassing Europe and America to become the largest contributor, reaching 40% in 2006.

In contrast, the proportion of drug sales in 2002 was predominantly from America, with 41% recorded. Although this figure then declined significantly to a range of 27% to 30% in the last three years, it remained relatively substantial.

Regarding Europe, this region contributed nearly a third of the total drug sales in 2002 and then peaked at 38% in 2004 before experiencing a sharp decline towards the end of the period. Ultimately, the figure for Europe was the same as that for America, both standing at 30% of the total sales.