A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the recent years, there is a common view that people are frequently perceived by their appearance, whereas in the past, individual personalities used to be the priority when judging someone. I firmly disagree to this point of view and this essay will give the reasoned argument supporting personal opinion.
There are several reasons why money and social outlook are the wrong present assessment scale. It is explained by the fact that individual appearance does not reflect anything. If a people with new released car and house do not equal to they are rich and talented due to it may not be their possessions or from their money. In contrast, a simple person tend not to show off excessively lead to if they are talented with successful career, other citizens are unable to realize that. As a result, not everything that we observe are practically trustworthy and reliable.
Furthermore, it is undeniable that money are one of the most crucial elements in life, however, it has never been the first priority. Instead, personalities are the factor reflecting a person. For instance, in multiple countries the presidents or government officials are voted based on their prestige and kindness rather than by their huge possessions. Moreover, it is apparent that whenever the officials in high position become greedy and decay in their morality, they are soon captured and judged fairly by the government and community.
In conclusion, materialism is relevant in the modern world and some people use it as a assessment scale for a person. However, an ethical value and reliability should be the prior element when evaluating individual.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In the recent years" -> "In recent years"
   Explanation: The phrase "In the recent years" is redundant. Removing "the" corrects the grammatical error and streamlines the sentence for a more formal tone.

2. "people are frequently perceived by their appearance" -> "people are often judged by their appearance"
   Explanation: "Perceived by" is less common and slightly awkward in this context. "Judged by" is more direct and appropriate for describing the act of evaluating someone based on appearance.

3. "I firmly disagree to this point of view" -> "I strongly disagree with this viewpoint"
   Explanation: "Disagree to" is grammatically incorrect. "Disagree with" is the correct prepositional phrase, and "viewpoint" is a more formal term than "point of view."

4. "this essay will give the reasoned argument supporting personal opinion" -> "this essay will present a reasoned argument in support of my opinion"
   Explanation: "Give the reasoned argument supporting" is awkward and unclear. "Present a reasoned argument in support of" is more precise and formal, clearly indicating the essay’s purpose.

5. "money and social outlook are the wrong present assessment scale" -> "money and social status are the incorrect current assessment criteria"
   Explanation: "Wrong present assessment scale" is unclear and informal. "Incorrect current assessment criteria" is more precise and formal, and "social status" is a more appropriate term than "social outlook."

6. "a people with new released car and house" -> "individuals with newly released cars and houses"
   Explanation: "A people" is grammatically incorrect. "Individuals" is the correct noun form, and "newly released" is more grammatically correct than "new released."

7. "do not equal to they are rich and talented" -> "do not necessarily mean they are rich and talented"
   Explanation: "Do not equal to" is incorrect. "Do not necessarily mean" is the correct expression for indicating that something does not necessarily imply another thing.

8. "a simple person tend not to show off excessively" -> "a simple person tends not to show off excessively"
   Explanation: "Tend" should be "tends" to agree with the singular subject "person."

9. "lead to if they are talented with successful career" -> "lead to the realization that they are talented and have a successful career"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the meaning and improves readability.

10. "not everything that we observe are practically trustworthy and reliable" -> "not everything we observe is not necessarily trustworthy and reliable"
    Explanation: "Are" should be "is" for subject-verb agreement, and "not everything we observe is not necessarily" is more precise and formal.

11. "money are one of the most crucial elements" -> "money is one of the most crucial elements"
    Explanation: "Money" is a singular noun and should be treated as such in this context, hence "is" instead of "are."

12. "the factor reflecting a person" -> "the characteristic that reflects a person"
    Explanation: "The factor" is vague and less specific. "The characteristic" is more precise and appropriate for describing personality traits.

13. "whenever the officials in high position become greedy and decay in their morality" -> "when officials in high positions become greedy and corrupt"
    Explanation: "Decay in their morality" is awkward and unclear. "Corrupt" is a more direct and appropriate term for describing moral decline.

14. "they are soon captured and judged fairly by the government and community" -> "they are soon held accountable and judged fairly by the government and community"
    Explanation: "Captured" is too informal and vague; "held accountable" is more precise and formal, fitting the context of legal or ethical consequences.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that social status and material possessions are the primary measures of a person’s worth. The introduction outlines this stance and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this viewpoint. However, the essay could further explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the prompt asks for a nuanced response. For instance, while the author emphasizes the importance of personal qualities, they do not sufficiently acknowledge the role that material possessions might play in contemporary society.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position regarding the extent of their agreement or disagreement. This could involve discussing scenarios where material possessions might influence perceptions, even if they are not the most important factors. Including a balanced view could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that material wealth defines a person’s worth. The author consistently argues for the importance of personal qualities. However, the phrase "I firmly disagree to this point of view" could be more effectively articulated. The use of "to this point of view" is somewhat awkward and could lead to confusion about the author’s stance.
  • How to improve: The author should refine their thesis statement for clarity. A more direct expression, such as "I firmly disagree with the notion that social status and material possessions are the primary measures of a person’s worth," would enhance clarity. Additionally, reinforcing the position in each paragraph with topic sentences that reflect this stance can help maintain focus.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the importance of personal qualities over material possessions. The examples provided, such as the voting behavior for government officials based on their character, are relevant. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited and could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the argument about the relationship between appearance and talent is introduced but not fully developed, leaving the reader wanting more context or examples.
  • How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, they could elaborate on how societal values have shifted over time, perhaps referencing studies or statistics that illustrate changing perceptions of worth. Additionally, integrating counterarguments and then refuting them could strengthen the overall argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the contrast between material possessions and personal qualities. However, there are moments where the argument becomes slightly convoluted, such as the sentence "If a people with new released car and house do not equal to they are rich and talented due to it may not be their possessions or from their money." This sentence is unclear and detracts from the main argument, making it difficult for the reader to follow.
  • How to improve: The author should ensure that each sentence contributes clearly to the main argument. Simplifying complex sentences and ensuring grammatical accuracy will enhance clarity. Regularly revisiting the prompt while writing can help maintain focus on the topic and ensure that all points made are relevant to the central argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of argumentation, and explicit engagement with the prompt. By refining these aspects, the author can work towards achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that social status and material possessions define a person’s worth. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs generally follow a logical progression. However, the connection between ideas could be strengthened. For instance, the transition from discussing the superficiality of appearances to the importance of personal qualities lacks clarity. The argument could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, ensure that each point logically leads to the next. Using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help clarify the relationships between ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into distinct paragraphs, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively developed. For example, the first body paragraph introduces several ideas but does not fully explore them before moving on. The second body paragraph is more focused but could benefit from additional examples to support the claims made.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced development of each paragraph. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear main idea, supporting details, and examples. Consider breaking down complex ideas into simpler components and dedicating a full paragraph to each major point. This will not only improve clarity but also enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "for instance," and "furthermore," which help link ideas. However, there is a noticeable repetition of certain phrases and a lack of variety in the cohesive devices used. For example, the phrase "it is undeniable that" appears in a context that could be more effectively expressed with different wording.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "as a result" to connect contrasting ideas or to indicate cause and effect. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to enhance clarity rather than to create confusion. Practicing with a variety of connectors in writing exercises can help build this skill.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on logical organization, balanced paragraph development, and a varied use of cohesive devices will significantly enhance the coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "perceived," "personalities," and "materialism." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word forms. For example, the phrase "individual appearance" is used multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance variety. Additionally, phrases like "money and social outlook" could be expanded to include terms like "financial status" or "socioeconomic factors" to show a broader lexical range.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Utilizing a thesaurus can help diversify word choice. Practicing paraphrasing sentences from reading materials can also aid in developing a more varied vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "a people with new released car" is awkward and incorrect; it should be "a person with a newly released car." Additionally, the phrase "not everything that we observe are practically trustworthy" contains grammatical errors that affect clarity. The use of "decay in their morality" is also somewhat vague and could be expressed more clearly as "decline in their moral standards."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness. Reviewing grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement and article usage would be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing sentences with specific vocabulary in context can help ensure that words are used accurately.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "tend" should be "tends," and "an ethical value" should be "ethical values." The phrase "a assessment scale" should be corrected to "an assessment scale." These errors indicate a need for more careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud to catch errors and using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are notable areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on precise usage, and implementing effective proofreading strategies, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For example, simple sentences like "I firmly disagree to this point of view" and "It is explained by the fact that individual appearance does not reflect anything" are prevalent. There are attempts at complex structures, such as "If a people with new released car and house do not equal to they are rich and talented due to it may not be their possessions or from their money," but they are often convoluted and lack clarity. The use of conditional clauses is noted, but they are not effectively varied or correctly formed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound sentences. For instance, instead of relying heavily on simple sentences, try combining ideas using conjunctions (e.g., "Although money is important, it should not be the sole measure of a person’s worth"). Additionally, practice using different types of clauses (relative, adverbial) to create more sophisticated sentences.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that hinder clarity. For example, "a people with new released car" should be "a person with a newly released car," and "money are one of the most crucial elements" should be "money is one of the most crucial elements." Punctuation issues are also present, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. The phrase "due to it may not be their possessions or from their money" is awkward and grammatically incorrect.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement (e.g., "money is" instead of "money are") and proper noun usage (e.g., "a person" instead of "a people"). Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences, to ensure clarity. Practicing sentence restructuring and seeking feedback on written work can also help identify and correct grammatical errors. Reading well-structured essays can provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there is a common view that people are often judged by their appearance, whereas in the past, individual personalities were prioritized when assessing someone. I strongly disagree with this viewpoint, and this essay will present a reasoned argument in support of my opinion.

There are several reasons why money and social status are the incorrect current assessment criteria. It is important to note that individual appearance does not reflect a person’s true worth. For instance, individuals with newly released cars and houses do not necessarily mean they are rich and talented, as these possessions may not even belong to them or could have been acquired through means other than their own wealth. In contrast, a simple person tends not to show off excessively, which may lead others to overlook their talents and successful careers. As a result, not everything we observe is necessarily trustworthy and reliable.

Furthermore, it is undeniable that money is one of the most crucial elements in life; however, it has never been the primary priority. Instead, personal characteristics are the traits that truly reflect a person. For instance, in many countries, presidents or government officials are elected based on their integrity and kindness rather than their material possessions. Moreover, it is apparent that when officials in high positions become greedy and corrupt, they are soon held accountable and judged fairly by the government and the community.

In conclusion, while materialism is relevant in the modern world and some people use it as a means of assessment, ethical values and reliability should be the primary elements when evaluating an individual.