Young people are often influenced in their behaviours and situations by others of the same age. This is called “peer pressure”. Do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

Young people are often influenced in their behaviours and situations by others of the same age. This is called “peer pressure”.

Do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

Teenager's behavior is often shaped by influence from colleagues or friends. This phenomenon is known as peer pressure. While this admittedly has certain benefits, I would argue that the drawbacks are far more significant.
On the one hand, peer pressure has advantages in a few aspects. First, one of the benefits of peer pressure is that it can promote personal growth and create motivation. This means that when surrounded by friends with high goals, easily influenced individuals can use it as motivation to improve themselves and achieve things they may not have thought possible. Second, peer pressure can help build discipline and commitment, as people come together to participate in sports, volunteering, or community projects. For instance, in a team, members may feel pressure from their teammates to train hard, improve their skills, and maintain their form. This creates an environment that promotes self-improvement and cooperation among individuals in the community.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Teenager’s behavior" -> "Teenagers’ behavior"
   Explanation: Adding the possessive form "s" to "Teenagers" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the plural subject of the sentence, enhancing the formal tone.

2. "often shaped by influence from colleagues or friends" -> "often influenced by their peers"
   Explanation: Replacing "colleagues or friends" with "peers" simplifies and clarifies the phrase, as "peers" specifically refers to people of similar age or status, which is more precise in this context.

3. "This phenomenon is known as peer pressure" -> "This phenomenon is commonly referred to as peer pressure"
   Explanation: Adding "commonly referred to as" provides a more formal and precise description, enhancing the academic tone by specifying the manner in which the term is used.

4. "admittedly has certain benefits" -> "undeniably offers certain benefits"
   Explanation: Replacing "admittedly" with "undeniably" shifts the tone from a hesitant acknowledgment to a more assertive and academic statement, which is more suitable for formal writing.

5. "far more significant" -> "significantly more significant"
   Explanation: Adding "significantly" before "more significant" emphasizes the degree of the difference, enhancing the academic tone by specifying the extent of the comparison.

6. "in a few aspects" -> "in several aspects"
   Explanation: Replacing "a few" with "several" provides a more precise quantification, which is more appropriate in academic writing where specificity is valued.

7. "easily influenced individuals" -> "individuals who are easily influenced"
   Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "individuals who are easily influenced" clarifies the structure and improves readability, making the sentence more formal and precise.

8. "use it as motivation" -> "utilize it as motivation"
   Explanation: Replacing "use" with "utilize" elevates the formality of the language, aligning better with academic standards.

9. "easily influenced individuals can use it as motivation" -> "individuals who are easily influenced can utilize it as motivation"
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and verb agreement, improving the sentence structure and formality.

10. "come together to participate" -> "gather to participate"
    Explanation: Replacing "come together" with "gather" provides a more formal and concise alternative, suitable for academic writing.

11. "members may feel pressure from their teammates" -> "members may experience pressure from their teammates"
    Explanation: Replacing "feel" with "experience" offers a more formal and precise verb choice, enhancing the academic tone.

12. "train hard, improve their skills, and maintain their form" -> "train diligently, enhance their skills, and maintain their performance"
    Explanation: Replacing "train hard" with "train diligently" and "maintain their form" with "maintain their performance" uses more formal vocabulary and precise terminology, suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay begins by acknowledging the concept of peer pressure and presents both advantages and disadvantages. However, it fails to fully address the question of whether the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The discussion of advantages is somewhat developed, but the disadvantages are not mentioned at all in the provided excerpt. This lack of balance results in an incomplete response to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should explicitly outline both the advantages and disadvantages of peer pressure. A clear comparison should be made to assess whether the disadvantages indeed outweigh the advantages. Including specific examples of disadvantages, such as negative behaviors influenced by peer pressure, would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a position that the drawbacks of peer pressure are more significant than its benefits. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the text. The initial focus on advantages may lead to confusion about the author’s stance, as the disadvantages are not discussed in the excerpt provided.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should reiterate their viewpoint after discussing the advantages. A concluding sentence summarizing the argument against the benefits of peer pressure would help reinforce the position. Additionally, transitioning phrases can guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the advantages of peer pressure, such as personal growth and motivation. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with detailed examples or analysis. The discussion is somewhat superficial, lacking depth in exploring how these advantages manifest in real-life situations.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should elaborate on each point made. For instance, providing specific examples of how peer pressure has led to both positive and negative outcomes in various contexts (e.g., academics, social behavior) would enrich the discussion. Additionally, integrating statistics or studies could lend credibility to the claims.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains generally focused on the topic of peer pressure, but the lack of discussion on disadvantages detracts from its relevance to the prompt. The essay does not stray off-topic, but it does not fully engage with the question posed.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic more effectively, the author should ensure that both sides of the argument are addressed. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all aspects of the question are covered. Regularly referencing the prompt throughout the essay can also help maintain focus.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the author should ensure a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages, maintain a clear and consistent position, provide deeper analysis and support for ideas, and stay focused on the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the advantages of peer pressure, which is a logical approach. However, the transition to discussing the disadvantages is not explicitly stated, which can lead to some confusion for the reader. For instance, after outlining the advantages, the essay should ideally include a transitional phrase or sentence that signals a shift in focus.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clear transition phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," when moving to the next point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly indicates what will be discussed, helping the reader to follow the argument more easily.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with one paragraph dedicated to the advantages of peer pressure. However, the paragraph discussing the advantages could be further developed, and there is no paragraph yet addressing the disadvantages, which is crucial for a balanced argument. The lack of a separate paragraph for disadvantages detracts from the overall coherence, as it leaves the essay feeling incomplete.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each main idea has its own paragraph. After discussing the advantages, introduce a new paragraph that clearly outlines the disadvantages of peer pressure. This will not only improve the structure but also provide a more comprehensive view of the topic. Use clear topic sentences to introduce each paragraph’s main idea.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "for instance," which help to connect ideas within the paragraph. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited. The essay could benefit from incorporating more varied devices to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, the use of conjunctions and linking words could be expanded to improve the overall cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a mix of conjunctions (e.g., "however," "moreover," "in addition") and referencing (e.g., "this," "these") to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, employing phrases that summarize or contrast ideas can strengthen the connections between points, making the argument more compelling.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly with terms relevant to the topic such as "peer pressure," "personal growth," "motivation," and "discipline." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the phrases "peer pressure" and "influence." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the essay. For example, instead of repeating "influence," the writer could use "impact" or "effect."
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of saying "influence from colleagues or friends," one could say "impact from peers or companions." Additionally, exploring more complex vocabulary related to the topic, such as "social dynamics" or "interpersonal relationships," could elevate the essay’s lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where the word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "easily influenced individuals" could be seen as vague; it may be more effective to specify "impressionable youth" or "vulnerable adolescents" to convey a clearer meaning. Additionally, the term "colleagues" is typically associated with professional relationships rather than friendships among teenagers.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the context in which words are used. Using more specific terms can clarify the message. For example, replacing "colleagues" with "peers" or "friends" would be more appropriate in this context. Furthermore, ensuring that the vocabulary aligns closely with the intended meaning will strengthen the overall argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall clarity. However, there is a minor issue with the possessive form in "Teenager’s behavior," which should be pluralized to "Teenagers’ behavior" to accurately reflect the subject matter. This small error indicates a need for careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a habit of proofreading their work before submission. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors, particularly in possessive forms and pluralization. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can assist in identifying and correcting any spelling mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a broader range of vocabulary, using more precise language, and ensuring careful proofreading, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "While this admittedly has certain benefits, I would argue that the drawbacks are far more significant" effectively combines a subordinate clause with an independent clause, showcasing complexity. Additionally, phrases like "this means that" and "for instance" help to connect ideas smoothly. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and the inclusion of more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or more nuanced clauses.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include conditional clauses (e.g., "If young people are influenced positively, they may develop better habits"). Additionally, varying the sentence openings can enhance the flow of the essay. Instead of starting multiple sentences with "First," "Second," etc., try using different transition phrases or introductory clauses to maintain reader interest.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, "Teenager’s behavior" should be "Teenagers’ behavior" to reflect the plural form correctly. The use of commas is mostly appropriate, but there are instances where additional commas could enhance clarity, such as before "as people come together" to separate the clauses more distinctly. Overall, the punctuation is effective in guiding the reader through the argument, but attention to detail is needed to avoid small mistakes.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay for pluralization and possessive forms. Additionally, practicing the rules of comma usage in complex sentences can help clarify meaning and improve readability. Consider using grammar-checking tools or peer reviews to catch errors that may be overlooked during self-editing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Teenagers’ behavior is often shaped by influence from their peers or friends. This phenomenon is commonly referred to as peer pressure. While this undeniably offers certain benefits, I would argue that the drawbacks are significantly more significant.

On the one hand, peer pressure has advantages in several aspects. First, one of the benefits of peer pressure is that it can promote personal growth and create motivation. This means that when surrounded by friends with high aspirations, individuals who are easily influenced can utilize it as motivation to improve themselves and achieve things they may not have thought possible. Second, peer pressure can help build discipline and commitment, as people gather to participate in sports, volunteering, or community projects. For instance, in a team setting, members may experience pressure from their teammates to train diligently, enhance their skills, and maintain their performance. This creates an environment that fosters self-improvement and cooperation among individuals in the community.

In conclusion, while peer pressure can lead to positive outcomes, the potential negative impacts on teenagers’ behavior and decision-making are far more concerning.