The diagram shows the stages of family life. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart gives information about Students enter their first year at local junior high schools, September 2021. Overall, there are two variables which show the percentage of the girl (Red standing column) and the boy (Green standing column) group who local schools
Looking at the chart, the number of students enrolled in Stanbrige Shool is the hightest compared to other schools with an enrollment rate of 96%. We can also see that approximately third as many students entering Stanbrige School as entering Grovenor School.
Two of the selected school had a nearly equal porportion of boys and girls. Stanbrige Shool had a high intake with 96% girls and nearly the same number of boys. And Grovenor School had the smallest intake overall, with 33% girls and a slightly higher number of boys, though this value was not shown clearly on the chart.
Next, Newtown School shows a significant gender disparity, with 78% boys and only 35% girls. And Botley School had 78% girls, but fewer boys (66%), reflecting a more balanced intake. In total, Stanbrige Shool had the highest number of students enrollment and had qual numbers of boys and girls.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Students enter their first year at local junior high schools, September 2021." -> "The chart presents data regarding student enrollment in local junior high schools for September 2021."
Explanation: The original phrasing is informal and lacks clarity. The revised version uses "presents data regarding" to convey a more formal tone and clarify the subject matter.
"there are two variables which show the percentage of the girl (Red standing column) and the boy (Green standing column) group who local schools" -> "there are two variables that indicate the percentage of female (represented by the red column) and male (represented by the green column) students in local schools."
Explanation: "Show" is too informal; "indicate" is more precise. Additionally, "girl" and "boy" should be replaced with "female" and "male" for academic accuracy. The phrase "who local schools" is incomplete and has been restructured for clarity.
"the number of students enrolled in Stanbrige Shool is the hightest compared to other schools" -> "the number of students enrolled in Stanbrige School is the highest among the other schools."
Explanation: "Hightest" is a spelling error, and "compared to" is less precise than "among," which better indicates a comparison within a group.
"approximately third as many students entering Stanbrige School as entering Grovenor School." -> "approximately one-third as many students enrolled in Stanbrige School compared to Grovenor School."
Explanation: The phrase "approximately third" is vague; "approximately one-third" provides clarity. "Entering" is replaced with "enrolled" for a more formal tone.
"Two of the selected school had a nearly equal porportion of boys and girls." -> "Two of the selected schools had a nearly equal proportion of male and female students."
Explanation: "School" should be pluralized to "schools," and "porportion" is a spelling error. "Boys and girls" is replaced with "male and female students" for academic precision.
"Stanbrige Shool had a high intake with 96% girls and nearly the same number of boys." -> "Stanbrige School had a high enrollment rate, with 96% female students and a nearly equivalent number of male students."
Explanation: "Intake" is less formal than "enrollment rate," and "nearly the same number of boys" is improved to "a nearly equivalent number of male students" for clarity and precision.
"Grovenor School had the smallest intake overall, with 33% girls and a slightly higher number of boys, though this value was not shown clearly on the chart." -> "Grovenor School had the smallest enrollment overall, with 33% female students and a slightly higher number of male students, although this value was not clearly represented in the chart."
Explanation: "Intake" is replaced with "enrollment" for formality, and "shown clearly" is modified to "clearly represented" for improved clarity.
"Next, Newtown School shows a significant gender disparity, with 78% boys and only 35% girls." -> "Next, Newtown School demonstrates a significant gender disparity, with 78% male students and only 35% female students."
Explanation: "Shows" is less formal than "demonstrates," and "boys" and "girls" are replaced with "male students" and "female students" for academic precision.
"And Botley School had 78% girls, but fewer boys (66%), reflecting a more balanced intake." -> "Botley School had 78% female students and fewer male students (66%), reflecting a more balanced enrollment."
Explanation: The conjunction "And" is unnecessary at the beginning of the sentence; starting with "Botley School" is more formal. "Intake" is replaced with "enrollment" for consistency in terminology.
"In total, Stanbrige Shool had the highest number of students enrollment and had qual numbers of boys and girls." -> "In total, Stanbrige School had the highest number of enrolled students and a comparable number of male and female students."
Explanation: "Students enrollment" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "enrolled students." "Qual numbers" is likely a typographical error for "equal," which is improved to "comparable" for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay does not address the task. The essay does not summarise the information provided in the diagram. Instead, it describes a chart that is not provided in the prompt. The essay also includes irrelevant information, such as the date of the enrollment.

How to improve: The essay should focus on summarising the information provided in the diagram. The essay should also avoid including irrelevant information. The essay should be written in a clear and concise style. The essay should also use appropriate grammar and vocabulary. The essay should be organised logically and should include a clear overview of the main features of the diagram. The essay should also make comparisons where relevant.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the enrollment rates of different schools, the connections between ideas are not always clear. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion. Additionally, there are issues with paragraphing; the essay does not clearly separate ideas into distinct paragraphs, which detracts from coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing the information into well-defined paragraphs, each with a central topic. Improving the use of cohesive devices, ensuring they are used appropriately and effectively, will also help in creating a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, maintaining a logical progression of information and clearly referencing data will strengthen the overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the chart, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "Shool" instead of "School") and word formation (e.g., "qual numbers" instead of "equal numbers"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the hightest compared to other schools" lacks precision and clarity, which further detracts from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure accurate word choice and collocation. Paying attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy is crucial, as errors can impede communication. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using synonyms can help avoid repetition and improve the overall sophistication of the language used.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there are instances of grammatical accuracy, frequent errors in grammar and punctuation are present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the hightest" and "qual numbers" indicate spelling errors, while inconsistencies in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure detract from clarity. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 5 due to its limited range of structures and frequent grammatical errors.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures and subordinate clauses to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical forms.
Proofreading: Carefully check for spelling errors and grammatical inconsistencies to improve overall accuracy.
Practice with Complex Sentences: Engage in exercises that focus on constructing complex sentences correctly to build confidence and control over grammar.
Seek Feedback: Obtain feedback from peers or instructors to identify specific areas of weakness in grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart provides information about student enrollment in local junior high schools in September 2021. Overall, there are two variables represented: the percentage of girls (indicated by the red standing column) and the percentage of boys (indicated by the green standing column) in these schools.

Looking at the chart, the number of students enrolled in Stanbrige School is the highest compared to other schools, with an enrollment rate of 96%. We can also see that approximately one-third as many students entered Stanbrige School as entered Grovenor School.

Two of the selected schools had a nearly equal proportion of boys and girls. Stanbrige School had a high intake with 96% girls and a nearly equal number of boys. Grovenor School had the smallest intake overall, with 33% girls and a slightly higher number of boys, although this value was not clearly shown on the chart.

Next, Newtown School shows a significant gender disparity, with 78% boys and only 35% girls. Botley School had 78% girls but fewer boys (66%), reflecting a more balanced intake. In total, Stanbrige School had the highest number of student enrollments and had equal numbers of boys and girls.