The line graphs below show the production and demand for steel in million tonnes and the number of workers employed in the steel industry in the UK in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line chart illustrates the figure of the door production and demand and the data of workers employed in the steel in England in 2010.

Overall, the number of workers employed attended to dropped dramatically in 2010. Meanwhile, the amount of production was more popular than actual demand and then reduced strongly, but the actual demand had a sharply fluctuation in one year.

In 2010, there was a peak at five 5000 million tonnes in the amount produced ton in January, but it reduced steadily by about 2000 million tonnes through seven month. In the last four months, the amount of productions had a dramatical fluctuation and a strong fall at about 1000 million tonnes. However, in the first eleven months, the number of actual demand fluctuated steadily and it had a downward after November, but in December, it increased sharply to 2000 million tonnes.

In the first three months, the number of workers had a slight growth at under 6000 thousand people, but it began to fall strongly to 3000 thousands through two months. From April to September, there was a steady fluctuation. In the last three months, a marginal drop of 2000 thousands was seen in the number of workers employed.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the figure of the door production and demand" -> "the figures for door production and demand"
Explanation: "Figures for" is a more precise and formal expression that accurately conveys the data being discussed.
"the data of workers employed in the steel" -> "the data on workers employed in the steel industry"
Explanation: "Data on" is the correct preposition to use in this context, and "steel industry" provides clarity by specifying the sector.
"the number of workers employed attended to dropped dramatically" -> "the number of workers employed decreased dramatically"
Explanation: "Decreased" is a more precise and formal term than "dropped," which can be considered informal.
"the amount of production was more popular than actual demand" -> "the level of production exceeded actual demand"
Explanation: "Exceeded" is a more precise term than "was more popular," which is vague and informal.
"reduced strongly" -> "declined significantly"
Explanation: "Declined significantly" is a more formal and precise way to express a notable decrease.
"had a sharply fluctuation" -> "experienced sharp fluctuations"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more appropriate verb, and "sharp fluctuations" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"there was a peak at five 5000 million tonnes" -> "there was a peak of 5,000 million tonnes"
Explanation: "Peak of" is the correct phrase, and using a comma improves clarity in numerical representation.
"it reduced steadily by about 2000 million tonnes through seven month" -> "it decreased steadily by approximately 2,000 million tonnes over seven months"
Explanation: "Decreased" is more formal than "reduced," "approximately" is more precise than "about," and "over" is the correct preposition for time duration.
"the amount of productions had a dramatical fluctuation" -> "the level of production experienced dramatic fluctuations"
Explanation: "Level of production" is more precise, and "experienced dramatic fluctuations" is a more formal expression.
"a strong fall at about 1000 million tonnes" -> "a significant decline to approximately 1,000 million tonnes"
Explanation: "Significant decline" is a more formal and precise expression than "strong fall," and "to approximately" is clearer.
"the number of actual demand fluctuated steadily" -> "actual demand fluctuated steadily"
Explanation: The phrase "the number of" is unnecessary; "actual demand" suffices and is more direct.
"it had a downward after November" -> "it experienced a decline after November"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is more formal and precise than "had a downward."
"in December, it increased sharply to 2000 million tonnes" -> "in December, it increased sharply to 2,000 million tonnes"
Explanation: Adding a comma improves clarity in numerical representation.
"the number of workers had a slight growth at under 6000 thousand people" -> "the number of workers experienced slight growth to just under 600,000"
Explanation: "Experienced slight growth" is more formal, and "to just under 600,000" is clearer and more precise.
"it began to fall strongly to 3000 thousands through two months" -> "it began to decline significantly to approximately 300,000 over two months"
Explanation: "Decline significantly" is more formal than "fall strongly," and "approximately 300,000" is clearer.
"there was a steady fluctuation" -> "there was steady fluctuation"
Explanation: The article "a" is unnecessary here; "steady fluctuation" is more concise.
"a marginal drop of 2000 thousands" -> "a marginal drop of approximately 200,000"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise than "of," and "200,000" is clearer than "2000 thousands."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features of the data, rather than simply recounting details. For example, the essay could state that the number of workers employed in the steel industry in the UK fell dramatically in 2010. The essay could also state that the amount of steel produced was higher than the actual demand for steel in the UK in 2010. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "attended to" and "more popular than."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to summarize the data, the connections between ideas are often unclear, and the use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, leading to confusion in the reader’s understanding of the information.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly linking ideas and ensuring logical progression throughout the essay. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help in creating smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure each one presents a clear central topic will improve clarity and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the data, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the amount of productions" instead of "the amount of production," and inaccuracies in terms like "dramatical fluctuation," which should be "dramatic fluctuation." Additionally, errors in spelling and word formation, such as "thousands" instead of "thousand," may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource does not meet the criteria for higher bands due to these limitations.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure that word choices are accurate and appropriate for the context. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items can help convey precise meanings. Additionally, focusing on correct spelling and word formation will improve clarity and reduce errors that may impede communication. Reading more academic texts and practicing summarizing data can also aid in developing a more sophisticated vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences, but these attempts are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect noun forms ("the door production" instead of "steel production"), misuse of articles ("the data of workers employed in the steel in England"), and issues with subject-verb agreement ("the amount of productions had a dramatical fluctuation"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While the essay does convey some information, the inaccuracies and limitations in sentence structure hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Vocabulary: Use more precise terminology related to the topic (e.g., "steel production" instead of "door production").
Practice Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, ensuring that complex sentences are grammatically correct.
Proofreading: Review the essay for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes before submission. This can help catch and correct issues that may distort meaning.
Use of Articles: Pay attention to the correct use of articles ("the steel industry" instead of "the steel in England").
Clarity and Cohesion: Ensure that ideas are clearly expressed and logically connected to improve overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrates the figures for steel production and demand, as well as the number of workers employed in the steel industry in the UK in 2010.

Overall, the number of workers employed experienced a dramatic decline in 2010. Meanwhile, production levels were consistently higher than actual demand, which subsequently decreased significantly, while actual demand exhibited sharp fluctuations throughout the year.

In 2010, there was a peak of 5,000 million tonnes in production in January, but this figure steadily decreased by about 2,000 million tonnes over the next seven months. In the last four months, production experienced dramatic fluctuations, culminating in a sharp fall to approximately 1,000 million tonnes. However, in the first eleven months, actual demand fluctuated steadily, showing a downward trend after November, but it increased sharply to 2,000 million tonnes in December.

In the first three months, the number of workers saw slight growth, reaching just under 6,000 thousand people, but it began to decline sharply to 3,000 thousand over the following two months. From April to September, there was steady fluctuation in employment numbers. In the last three months, a marginal drop of 2,000 thousand was observed in the number of workers employed.