The graph shows information about the kinds of food that teenagers in Australia enjoyed eating

The given line graph illustrates the amount of young who enjoyed eating three different types of food in Australia. The figure is measured in people.
overall, the number of fish and chips eater decreased while hamburgers and pizza saw an increase. Conversely, the hamburgers eater witnessed the biggest change in the numbger of hamburgers eater throughout the timeframe.
Looking at the number of hamburgers, it first started at approximately ten peoples. Between 1975 and 1985, the number has increased at roughly 85 peoples. subsquently, over a period of 15 years, the hamburger eaters has reached to the top at approximately 100 peoples. Now change to pizza eaters, it began at rougly 7 peoples in 1975, from 1975 to 1995, it continued to increase from 7 peoples to 83 peoples, during its final 5 years, i didn't change anything.
About the fish and chips eater, it first started at approximately 100 peoples as the most popular dish in Australia, between 1975 and 1985, it has went down but subsequently, it has rose quickly again. Unfortunately, during its final 15 years, it has decreased at roughly 39 peoples.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the amount of young" -> "the number of young people"
Explanation: "Amount" is used for uncountable nouns, while "number" is appropriate for countable nouns like "people." Adding "people" clarifies the subject.
"the number of fish and chips eater" -> "the number of fish and chips eaters"
Explanation: "Eater" should be pluralized to "eaters" to match the context of counting individuals.
"witnessed the biggest change in the numbger of hamburgers eater" -> "experienced the most significant change in the number of hamburger eaters"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more formal and precise verb than "witnessed," and "most significant" is a clearer expression than "biggest." Correcting "numbger" to "number" is also necessary for clarity.
"the number of hamburgers, it first started at approximately ten peoples" -> "the number of hamburger eaters initially started at approximately ten people"
Explanation: "Hamburgers" should be changed to "hamburger eaters" for clarity, and "initially" is a more formal term than "first." "Peoples" should be corrected to "people."
"the number has increased at roughly 85 peoples" -> "the number increased to approximately eighty-five people"
Explanation: "Increased at" is awkward; "increased to" is more precise. The number should be written in words for academic style, and "peoples" should be corrected to "people."
"subsquently" -> "subsequently"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error improves the professionalism of the text.
"the hamburger eaters has reached to the top at approximately 100 peoples" -> "the number of hamburger eaters reached a peak of approximately one hundred people"
Explanation: "Has reached to the top" is awkward; "reached a peak" is more formal and precise. "Peoples" should be corrected to "people," and using "one hundred" aligns with academic writing conventions.
"Now change to pizza eaters" -> "Turning to pizza eaters"
Explanation: "Now change to" is informal and vague; "Turning to" is a more formal transition phrase.
"it began at rougly 7 peoples" -> "it began at approximately seven people"
Explanation: "Roughly" should be corrected to "approximately," and "peoples" should be changed to "people." The number should also be written out for consistency with academic style.
"from 1975 to 1995, it continued to increase from 7 peoples to 83 peoples" -> "from 1975 to 1995, it increased from seven people to eighty-three people"
Explanation: The phrase "continued to increase" is redundant; simply stating "increased" suffices. The numbers should be written in words for academic style, and "peoples" should be corrected to "people."
"during its final 5 years, i didn’t change anything" -> "during its final five years, there was no significant change"
Explanation: "I didn’t change anything" is informal and vague; "there was no significant change" is more precise and maintains an academic tone. The number should also be written in words.
"About the fish and chips eater" -> "Regarding the fish and chips eaters"
Explanation: "About" is informal; "regarding" is more appropriate in an academic context. "Eater" should be pluralized to "eaters" for consistency.
"it first started at approximately 100 peoples as the most popular dish in Australia" -> "it initially began at approximately one hundred people, making it the most popular dish in Australia"
Explanation: "It first started" should be changed to "it initially began" for formality, and "peoples" should be corrected to "people." The phrase "making it" clarifies the relationship between the popularity and the number.
"between 1975 and 1985, it has went down but subsequently, it has rose quickly again" -> "between 1975 and 1985, it decreased, but subsequently, it rose rapidly again"
Explanation: "Has went down" is incorrect; "decreased" is the correct past tense form. "Has rose" should be corrected to "rose," and "quickly" should be replaced with "rapidly" for a more formal tone.
"during its final 15 years, it has decreased at roughly 39 peoples" -> "during its final fifteen years, it decreased by approximately thirty-nine people"
Explanation: "Has decreased" should be changed to "decreased" for consistency in tense, and "at roughly" should be changed to "by approximately" for clarity. The numbers should also be written in words for academic style, and "peoples" should be corrected to "people."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay needs to provide a clear overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also focus on presenting the key features of the graph, rather than just recounting the details. For example, the essay could state that the number of hamburgers eaten increased significantly over the period, while the number of fish and chips eaten decreased. The essay could also highlight the fact that pizza became the most popular food by 2000.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe trends in the data, the transitions between ideas are often unclear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the clarity of the information presented. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as the ideas do not flow smoothly from one to the next, and some paragraphs lack a clear central topic.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas and ensuring logical progression throughout the essay. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic will improve the overall clarity of the essay. Finally, proofreading for grammatical errors and ensuring accurate word choice will also contribute to a stronger presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe trends in the graph, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "young" instead of "young people," and "eater" instead of "eaters." Additionally, spelling mistakes like "numbger" and "subsquently" detract from the overall clarity. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more varied and precise terms. They should also pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy. Incorporating less common lexical items and ensuring correct collocations will improve the overall quality of the essay. Practicing with synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help convey ideas more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use complex sentences; however, accuracy is a significant issue. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ("the number of fish and chips eater decreased" should be "the number of fish and chips eaters decreased") and incorrect word forms ("the numbger of hamburgers eater" should be "the number of hamburger eaters"). Punctuation errors are also present, such as the lack of capitalization at the beginning of sentences and inconsistent use of commas. These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, focus on the following areas:

Expand Vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary to describe trends and data more accurately.
Improve Sentence Structure: Practice constructing complex sentences correctly and ensure subject-verb agreement.
Proofreading: Always proofread your work to catch and correct grammatical and punctuation errors.
Practice: Regularly write essays and seek feedback to identify common mistakes and areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given line graph illustrates the number of young people who enjoyed eating three different types of food in Australia. The figures are measured in individuals. Overall, the number of fish and chips eaters decreased, while hamburgers and pizza saw an increase. Conversely, the hamburger eaters experienced the most significant change in the number of consumers throughout the timeframe.

Looking at the number of hamburgers, it initially started at approximately ten people. Between 1975 and 1985, this number increased to roughly 85 people. Subsequently, over a period of 15 years, the hamburger eaters reached a peak of approximately 100 people. Turning to pizza eaters, this category began at roughly seven people in 1975. From 1975 to 1995, the number continued to rise from seven people to 83 people, and during the final five years, it did not change.

Regarding fish and chips eaters, this category initially started at approximately 100 people, making it the most popular dish in Australia. Between 1975 and 1985, the number declined, but subsequently, it rose quickly again. Unfortunately, during the final 15 years, it decreased by roughly 39 people.