You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.
In this contemporary age, the question of whether the raising of the retirement age for workers in many nations is advantageous or disadvantageous is still a heated debate. This essay will discuss both views of the statement, and prove that this phenomenon brings more benefits than drawbacks.
To begin with, if the government decides to raise the retirement age from work, it is undeniable that numerous negative issues may occur, such as forcing workers to spend more time working to receive pension, or making less available jobs for youngsters. Regarding the former, it is clear that when the number of age to retire is increased, workers in the fields may need to spend more years of their life to sacrifice for their jobs, making it more challenging for those who want to escape from the working life. With regards to the latter, as the workers are forced to stay longer with their occupations, working opportunities for graduates from university or college will be minimized. However, I do not think that these problems are severe, as they only affect a small group of people within the society, such as those who are more into a comfortable life without working, or the youngsters who have just graduated from school.
Therefore, it is worth considering that this practice of the authorities can offer more advantages, as workers will have more time to accumulate money and properties, and also, allow people to pursue their dream jobs later in life. Firstly, it is common sense for people to earn as much money as possible, because money plays an important part for any individual to pay for their basic necessities. Hence, offering more time for people to work may be a life saver for those who want to make more money. Secondly, as not everyone has the chance to work their preferred job, extending working age may be a second chance for them, as it may encourage them to pursue their dream as they will have more time to work in general. As a result, they will have more opportunity to risk themselves to have the job that suits their interest.
In conclusion, while extending working age can offer several disadvantages, I believe that this situation has more benefits to offer, as workers will have more time to accumulate personal properties, as well as have for themselves a second chance to work their dream jobs.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"In this contemporary age" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is often used to describe things that are current or modern, but "era" specifically refers to a period of time characterized by a particular set of circumstances, which is more precise in this context. -
"raising of the retirement age" -> "increase in the retirement age"
Explanation: "Raising" is somewhat informal and vague; "increase" is more formal and precise, fitting better in an academic context. -
"is advantageous or disadvantageous" -> "offers advantages or disadvantages"
Explanation: "Offers advantages or disadvantages" is more formal and aligns better with academic style, which typically uses passive voice to describe the effects of actions. -
"still a heated debate" -> "remains a contentious issue"
Explanation: "Heated debate" can imply emotional involvement, which is less suitable for academic writing. "Contentious issue" is more neutral and appropriate for formal discourse. -
"both views of the statement" -> "both perspectives on this issue"
Explanation: "Views of the statement" is awkward and unclear. "Perspectives on this issue" is clearer and more formal. -
"undeniable that numerous negative issues may occur" -> "undeniable that several negative consequences may arise"
Explanation: "Numerous negative issues" is vague and informal; "several negative consequences" is more specific and formal. -
"forcing workers to spend more time working to receive pension" -> "requiring workers to extend their working years to qualify for pension"
Explanation: "Forcing" is too strong and informal; "requiring" is more neutral and appropriate for formal writing. Also, "extend their working years" is more precise than "spend more time working." -
"making less available jobs for youngsters" -> "reducing job opportunities for young people"
Explanation: "Making less available jobs" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Reducing job opportunities" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"it is clear that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "It is clear that" is somewhat informal and conversational; "it is evident that" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. -
"sacrifice for their jobs" -> "sacrifice their careers"
Explanation: "Sacrifice for their jobs" is awkward and informal; "sacrifice their careers" is more precise and formal. -
"more into a comfortable life without working" -> "more inclined towards a life of leisure"
Explanation: "More into a comfortable life without working" is informal and vague. "More inclined towards a life of leisure" is more precise and formal. -
"money plays an important part for any individual" -> "money plays a crucial role for any individual"
Explanation: "Important part" is somewhat vague; "crucial role" is more specific and emphasizes the significance of money in a formal context. -
"a life saver" -> "a lifesaver"
Explanation: "A life saver" is informal; "a lifesaver" is the correct form and more formal. -
"extend working age" -> "extend the working age"
Explanation: "Extend working age" is grammatically incorrect; "extend the working age" corrects the grammatical structure. -
"have for themselves a second chance" -> "have a second chance"
Explanation: "Have for themselves" is redundant; "have a second chance" is more direct and formal. -
"work their dream jobs" -> "pursue their dream careers"
Explanation: "Work their dream jobs" is informal and less precise; "pursue their dream careers" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. The introduction sets the stage for a balanced discussion, and the body paragraphs outline both sides. However, while the disadvantages are mentioned, they are not explored in depth, leading to a somewhat superficial treatment of the topic. The essay concludes with a clear assertion that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but it could benefit from a more thorough examination of the disadvantages to provide a more balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should delve deeper into the disadvantages, providing specific examples or statistics to illustrate their impact. This would create a more nuanced argument and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages. The writer consistently supports this stance throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the initial discussion of disadvantages could create confusion, as it seems to downplay their significance without sufficient justification.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that the discussion of disadvantages is framed in a way that acknowledges their importance while still supporting the overall argument. Clear transitions between discussing disadvantages and advantages can help reinforce the writer’s position.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of raising the retirement age, such as financial stability and the opportunity to pursue dream jobs. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the claim that more working years lead to greater financial stability is made but not substantiated with examples or data. The argument about pursuing dream jobs is interesting but lacks depth and specific illustrations.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, including statistics on financial security or testimonials from individuals who have benefited from extended working years could significantly strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on how pursuing dream jobs can impact individuals and society would enhance the depth of the discussion.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of raising the retirement age. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, particularly when addressing the disadvantages. The mention of "those who are more into a comfortable life without working" feels somewhat vague and could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly relevant to the central argument. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing concrete examples or clearer definitions of terms would help keep the discussion aligned with the topic. Additionally, a more structured approach to presenting disadvantages and advantages could enhance coherence.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from deeper exploration of the disadvantages, more robust supporting examples, and a tighter focus on the relevance of each point made.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by outlining the topic and stating the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are organized to first address the disadvantages of raising the retirement age, followed by the advantages, which allows for a balanced view. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to enhance logical flow. For instance, the phrase "However, I do not think that these problems are severe" serves as a transition but feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the two sides of the argument. For example, after discussing the disadvantages, you could use a phrase like "Despite these concerns, there are significant advantages to consider," which would create a more seamless transition.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to follow. The first body paragraph discusses disadvantages, while the second focuses on advantages. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly state the main idea. For instance, the second body paragraph could start with, "On the other hand, raising the retirement age presents several significant advantages," which would provide a clear indication of the paragraph’s focus and enhance coherence.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "However," and "As a result," which help to guide the reader through the argument. The use of these devices contributes to the overall coherence of the text. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "However," you could use "Nevertheless" or "On the contrary" to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, using phrases like "In addition" or "Furthermore" can help to introduce supporting points more effectively.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By enhancing transitions, strengthening topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the essay to an even higher level of clarity and coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contemporary age," "heated debate," and "accumulate money and properties." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in expression. For instance, the phrase "more time to accumulate money and properties" could be expressed in various ways to enhance richness.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "more time," consider phrases like "extended duration" or "prolonged period." Additionally, using a thesaurus to find alternatives for common words can help diversify vocabulary.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices are imprecise or awkward. For example, the phrase "the number of age to retire" is not idiomatic; a more precise expression would be "the retirement age." Similarly, "workers in the fields" is vague and could be clarified to "workers in various sectors."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using established phrases and terms related to the topic. For instance, instead of "making it more challenging for those who want to escape from the working life," the writer could say "making it more difficult for those seeking to retire early." Regularly reading high-quality essays or articles can help familiarize the writer with precise language usage.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling; however, there are a few minor errors, such as "sacrifice for their jobs," which could be better phrased as "sacrificing their time for their jobs." The phrase "more into a comfortable life without working" is also slightly awkward and could be refined.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing can also help improve spelling skills. Additionally, reading aloud can help catch awkward phrasing and spelling mistakes.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, focusing on precise language, and carefully proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "if the government decides to raise the retirement age from work" and "as workers are forced to stay longer with their occupations" show the use of conditional and subordinate clauses. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "as" to introduce clauses, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied conjunctions and introductory phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "as," try incorporating alternatives like "since," "because," or "in light of." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses can enhance the flow. For example, instead of "it is undeniable that numerous negative issues may occur," you could rephrase it to "numerous negative issues may undeniably occur if the government raises the retirement age."
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the number of age to retire is increased" is awkwardly constructed; a more natural phrasing would be "the retirement age is increased." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation. For example, the sentence "as they only affect a small group of people within the society, such as those who are more into a comfortable life without working, or the youngsters who have just graduated from school" could be broken into two sentences for better readability.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on sentence clarity and conciseness. Review sentences for potential rephrasing to avoid awkward constructions. Additionally, practice identifying run-on sentences and learn to break them down into simpler, clearer statements. Regular grammar exercises and reading well-structured essays can also help in recognizing and correcting common grammatical errors.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era, the question of whether raising the retirement age for workers in many nations offers advantages or disadvantages remains a contentious issue. This essay will discuss both perspectives on this topic and argue that this phenomenon brings more benefits than drawbacks.
To begin with, if the government decides to increase the retirement age, it is undeniable that several negative consequences may arise, such as requiring workers to extend their working years to qualify for a pension or reducing job opportunities for young people. Regarding the former, it is evident that when the retirement age is raised, workers may need to sacrifice more years of their lives for their jobs, making it more challenging for those who wish to transition to a life of leisure. With respect to the latter, as older workers are compelled to remain in their positions longer, job openings for recent graduates will be limited. However, I do not believe that these issues are severe, as they primarily affect a small segment of society, such as those who prefer a comfortable life without working or the young individuals who have just completed their education.
Therefore, it is worth considering that this practice by the authorities can offer more advantages, as workers will have additional time to accumulate money and assets, and it will also allow individuals to pursue their dream careers later in life. Firstly, it is common knowledge that people strive to earn as much money as possible, as money plays a crucial role for any individual in meeting their basic necessities. Thus, providing more time for people to work may be a lifesaver for those who wish to enhance their financial situation. Secondly, since not everyone has the opportunity to work in their preferred job, extending the working age may provide a second chance for them, encouraging them to pursue their dreams as they will have more time to do so. As a result, they will have greater opportunities to take risks and find jobs that align with their interests.
In conclusion, while extending the working age can present several disadvantages, I believe that this situation offers more benefits, as workers will have more time to accumulate personal assets and also gain a second chance to pursue their dream careers.
