What made you choose BEC rather than other organizations? (about BEC’s value and your motivation)

What made you choose BEC rather than other organizations? (about BEC's value and your motivation)

Choosing the Business English Club (BEC) at FTU over other organizations came down to several compelling factors, specifically BEC’s values and how well they align with my personal and professional goals.
First, BEC provides a comprehensively personal growth where seniors equip members with a leadership mindset, being a visionary, being a strategic planner through participating in many club projects not only external projects as B-LEAD, TEDxFTU,.. but also internal projects as Minicase, YET,… Additionally, members are closely followed and oriented by the Executive Board for the most suitable development plans. Learning well, practicing hard and being guided dedicatedly are values I chase to gain.

Another big part of my motivation is BEC’ cross-function structure providing maximum experiences in various fields for horizontal or intensive development . Unlike some organizations that might be more hierarchical or strictly task-focused, BEC encourages members to take the opportunity and responsibility to partake in a team members want, which meet the core values I strive towards. Inspiring to be part of a group that nurtures its members to develop holistically, not just focusing on language skills but also fostering confidence, creativity, and the capacity to work with others in a business environment.

All in all, BEC’s blend of practical business communication training, supportive community, and professional network makes it stand out as an organization that can offer both immediate learning benefits and long-term career value.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Choosing the Business English Club (BEC) at FTU over other organizations came down to several compelling factors" -> "The selection of the Business English Club (BEC) at FTU over other organizations was influenced by several compelling factors"
   Explanation: The revised phrase "The selection of the Business English Club (BEC) at FTU over other organizations was influenced by" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial expression "came down to."

2. "comprehensively personal growth" -> "comprehensive personal growth"
   Explanation: The adjective "comprehensively" is incorrectly used as an adverb; "comprehensive" is the correct form to describe the noun "personal growth."

3. "seniors equip members with a leadership mindset, being a visionary, being a strategic planner" -> "seniors equip members with leadership skills, including visionary and strategic planning abilities"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the description of the skills provided by seniors.

4. "participating in many club projects not only external projects as B-LEAD, TEDxFTU,.. but also internal projects as Minicase, YET,…" -> "participating in various club projects, including external initiatives such as B-LEAD and TEDxFTU, as well as internal projects like Minicase and YET"
   Explanation: The original list is informal and lacks punctuation. The revision corrects these issues and uses more formal language.

5. "Learning well, practicing hard and being guided dedicatedly are values I chase to gain" -> "I strive to cultivate the values of diligent learning, rigorous practice, and dedicated guidance"
   Explanation: The original phrase is informal and awkward. The revision uses more formal language and a clearer structure.

6. "Another big part of my motivation is BEC’ cross-function structure providing maximum experiences in various fields for horizontal or intensive development" -> "Another significant aspect of my motivation is BEC’s cross-functional structure, which offers diverse experiences in various fields for both horizontal and intensive development"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The revision corrects these issues and uses more formal vocabulary.

7. "partake in a team members want" -> "participate in the teams they prefer"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

8. "Inspiring to be part of a group that nurtures its members to develop holistically" -> "I am inspired to be part of a group that fosters holistic development among its members"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The revision is more formal and grammatically correct.

9. "not just focusing on language skills but also fostering confidence, creativity, and the capacity to work with others in a business environment" -> "not only focusing on language skills but also cultivating confidence, creativity, and the ability to collaborate effectively in a business environment"
   Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal and vague. The revision uses more precise language and avoids the redundancy of "fostering" and "fosters."

10. "All in all, BEC’s blend of practical business communication training, supportive community, and professional network makes it stand out as an organization that can offer both immediate learning benefits and long-term career value" -> "In summary, BEC’s combination of practical business communication training, supportive community, and professional network distinguishes it as an organization that provides both immediate learning benefits and long-term career value"
    Explanation: The phrase "All in all" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "In summary" is more appropriate. The revision also enhances the formal tone and clarity of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons for choosing BEC over other organizations, focusing on its values and how they align with the writer’s goals. However, it lacks depth in exploring specific aspects of BEC’s value compared to other organizations. For instance, while it mentions BEC’s values and opportunities, it does not provide a clear comparison with other organizations, which is crucial to fully answering the question.
  • How to improve: To enhance this section, the writer should explicitly compare BEC’s offerings with those of other organizations. This could include discussing specific features of other organizations that were considered and why BEC’s values were more appealing. Adding concrete examples or anecdotes could also strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally clear position regarding the choice of BEC, emphasizing personal growth and alignment with values. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, the transition between discussing personal growth and the cross-functional structure feels abrupt and could confuse the reader about the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use topic sentences that directly relate back to the main argument in each paragraph. Additionally, linking phrases could be employed to create smoother transitions between ideas, reinforcing the overall stance.

• Present,Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding BEC’s values and structure, but these ideas are not fully developed or supported. For example, the mention of "leadership mindset" and "strategic planner" is vague and lacks specific examples of how these are cultivated within BEC. The essay also uses some jargon that may not be clear to all readers.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should provide specific examples or experiences that illustrate how BEC fosters these qualities. This could involve detailing a particular project or initiative that exemplifies the values discussed. Furthermore, avoiding jargon or explaining it when used would enhance clarity.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for choosing BEC. However, some sentences, particularly those discussing the "cross-function structure," could be perceived as slightly off-topic, as they do not directly tie back to the core question of BEC’s value.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by regularly referencing the question throughout the essay and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering it. Additionally, the writer could outline the main points at the beginning to guide the reader.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt, it requires more depth, clarity, and specificity to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on detailed comparisons, clear transitions, and well-supported ideas will significantly enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas, starting with the introduction of BEC and moving through specific motivations for choosing it over other organizations. The first paragraph effectively outlines the personal growth opportunities provided by BEC, while the second paragraph shifts focus to its structural advantages. However, the transition between these two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the connection between personal growth and the cross-functional structure is implied but not explicitly stated, which could leave the reader momentarily disoriented.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing personal growth, a sentence could be added that links this to the structural advantages, such as: "Building on this foundation of personal growth, BEC’s cross-functional structure further enriches the learning experience."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of BEC. The first paragraph discusses personal growth opportunities, while the second addresses the organizational structure. However, the first paragraph is somewhat dense, which may hinder readability. The use of multiple ideas in one paragraph can overwhelm the reader and obscure the main point.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider breaking the first paragraph into two. One could focus solely on the personal growth opportunities, while the other could discuss the mentorship and guidance provided by the Executive Board. This separation would allow for clearer communication of each idea and enhance overall readability.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first," "additionally," and "all in all," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For example, the use of more complex cohesive devices, such as "in contrast," "furthermore," or "consequently," could enhance the sophistication of the writing and provide clearer connections between ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, actively incorporate a mix of simple and complex connectors. For instance, when transitioning from discussing personal growth to the structural aspects of BEC, one could use "Moreover, the cross-functional structure of BEC complements these personal growth opportunities by…" This would not only improve cohesion but also demonstrate a higher level of writing proficiency.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, particularly in terms of business and personal development terminology. Phrases such as "leadership mindset," "strategic planner," and "holistically" show an ability to use relevant vocabulary effectively. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "values" and "development," which could be varied to enhance the essay’s lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeating "values," you could use "principles," "ideals," or "beliefs." Additionally, exploring more specific vocabulary related to personal growth and organizational structures could further enhance the essay’s sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "comprehensively personal growth" is awkward and unclear. It would be more effective to say "comprehensive opportunities for personal growth." Similarly, "cross-function structure" could be more clearly articulated as "cross-functional structure."
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Review sentences to ensure that each term conveys the intended meaning without ambiguity. Consider using a thesaurus or vocabulary resources to find more precise alternatives for vague terms. Additionally, reading more academic or professional texts can help in understanding how to use vocabulary more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "BEC’" which should be "BEC’s," and "not only external projects as B-LEAD, TEDxFTU,.. but also internal projects as Minicase, YET,…" where the ellipses should be formatted consistently. These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break before reviewing the text to approach it with fresh eyes. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or apps can reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these areas, you can enhance your lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Choosing the Business English Club (BEC) at FTU over other organizations came down to several compelling factors, specifically BEC’s values and how well they align with my personal and professional goals" showcases the ability to convey intricate ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences, which helps maintain reader engagement. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "provides a comprehensively personal growth," which could be refined for clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more conditional sentences or varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting with "Another big part of my motivation is," you could begin with a dependent clause: "While considering my motivations, another significant factor is…" This not only adds variety but also enhances the flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits strong grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "provides a comprehensively personal growth" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "provides comprehensive personal growth." Additionally, the use of commas could be improved, particularly in lists, such as "not only external projects as B-LEAD, TEDxFTU,.. but also internal projects as Minicase, YET,…" where commas are needed before "as" for clarity. The ellipses used are also inappropriate in formal writing and should be replaced with proper punctuation.
  • How to improve: Focus on refining grammatical structures by reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that modifiers are correctly placed. For punctuation, practice using commas in lists and before conjunctions in compound sentences. A thorough proofreading session can help catch these minor errors, ensuring that the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, but with targeted improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical precision, it could achieve an even higher score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Choosing the Business English Club (BEC) at FTU over other organizations was influenced by several compelling factors, particularly BEC’s values and how well they align with my personal and professional goals.

First, BEC provides a comprehensive platform for personal growth, where seniors equip members with a leadership mindset, including visionary thinking and strategic planning abilities. This is achieved through participation in various club projects, including external initiatives such as B-LEAD and TEDxFTU, as well as internal projects like Minicase and YET. Additionally, members receive close guidance and orientation from the Executive Board to ensure the most suitable development plans. I strive to cultivate the values of diligent learning, rigorous practice, and dedicated guidance.

Another significant aspect of my motivation is BEC’s cross-functional structure, which offers diverse experiences in various fields for both horizontal and intensive development. Unlike some organizations that may be more hierarchical or strictly task-focused, BEC encourages members to participate in the teams they prefer, aligning with the core values I aspire to uphold. I am inspired to be part of a group that fosters holistic development among its members, not only focusing on language skills but also cultivating confidence, creativity, and the ability to collaborate effectively in a business environment.

In summary, BEC’s combination of practical business communication training, a supportive community, and a professional network distinguishes it as an organization that provides both immediate learning benefits and long-term career value.