Even though globalization affects the world’s economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Present argumentation to highlight your opinion on this matter. give reasons and specific examples to support your opinions. Express your view in an essay of about 300-350 words.
Even though globalization affects the world’s economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten.
Present argumentation to highlight your opinion on this matter. give reasons and specific examples to support your opinions.
Express your view in an essay of about 300-350 words.
In recent decades, globalization has become a prevalent global phenomenon, which gives rise to a lot of benefits including economic growth, and international integration. However, this trend still has some adverse disadvantages that must be remembered like strain on both humans and the environment.
The first advantage of globalization is economic opportunities. Because of urbanization, migrants seeking employment are abundant labor resources for corporations. This influx of labor enhances the workforce, allowing companies to increase productivity and efficiency through technological advancements and mass production in industrial zones. This attracts lots of substantial investment, and stimulates the economy. Another one is to integrate with other countries around the world. Through supporting each other in some aspects and forging more chances to develop together, their relation has been maintained and bonded, which expands the trade market in their nations. For example, there has been an increase in the number of exportable and importable products globally and some constructions are the cooperation between them. Without having nonviolent conversations, peace can be threatened by the conflict, which brings disastrous consequences.
On the other hand, globalization also poses several disadvantages, one of which is increased competition. Due to the convenience and opportunities to access more jobs, they have tended to compete to get them and afford for their needs with decent salaries. With this financial burden, it is easier to make a contribution to physical and mental health issues such as stress, depression, and anxiety disorders. Last but not least, dense population and constant industrial activities cause many areas to have high levels of pollution and noise, which can lead to health issues for them. In addition, the lack of sufficient housing leads to the great number of forests cut down on to construct new buildings. Those are one of the major reasons for environmental degradation.
In conclusion, globalization has had various impacts on our lives and surrounding areas, which demand the governments to be concerned and launch well-rounded initiatives about management systems or policies in order to adapt to and continue to develop.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"a lot of benefits" -> "numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Numerous" is a more precise and formal term than "a lot of," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context. -
"adverse disadvantages" -> "negative consequences"
Explanation: "Negative consequences" is a more direct and academically appropriate term than "adverse disadvantages," which is redundant and less commonly used in formal writing. -
"must be remembered" -> "should be acknowledged"
Explanation: "Should be acknowledged" is a more formal and precise way to express the necessity of considering the drawbacks of globalization in an academic essay. -
"Because of urbanization, migrants seeking employment are abundant labor resources for corporations." -> "Urbanization has led to an influx of migrant workers, who serve as a valuable labor resource for corporations."
Explanation: This revision clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship and uses more precise language, enhancing the formal tone and clarity of the sentence. -
"This attracts lots of substantial investment" -> "This attracts substantial investment"
Explanation: Removing "lots of" corrects the informal tone and aligns with the formal style required in academic writing. -
"Another one is to integrate with other countries around the world" -> "Another benefit is the integration with other countries worldwide"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and improves the grammatical structure, making it more formal and concise. -
"supporting each other in some aspects and forging more chances to develop together" -> "collaborating in various aspects and fostering opportunities for mutual development"
Explanation: "Collaborating" and "fostering" are more precise and formal terms than "supporting" and "forging," and "mutual development" is a clearer and more academic phrase. -
"nonviolent conversations" -> "peaceful dialogue"
Explanation: "Peaceful dialogue" is a more specific and formal term than "nonviolent conversations," which is less commonly used in academic discourse. -
"disastrous consequences" -> "serious consequences"
Explanation: "Serious consequences" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term than "disastrous," which can be seen as overly dramatic. -
"they have tended to compete to get them and afford for their needs with decent salaries" -> "they have competed for these jobs and struggled to afford their needs with decent salaries"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the awkward phrasing, making it more formal and clear. -
"With this financial burden, it is easier to make a contribution to physical and mental health issues such as stress, depression, and anxiety disorders." -> "This financial burden contributes to physical and mental health issues such as stress, depression, and anxiety disorders."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more direct and avoids the awkward construction of "it is easier to make a contribution," which is less formal and less precise. -
"the great number of forests cut down on to construct new buildings" -> "the large-scale deforestation to construct new buildings"
Explanation: "Large-scale deforestation" is a more precise and formal term than "the great number of forests cut down on," which is vague and informal. -
"launch well-rounded initiatives about management systems or policies" -> "implement comprehensive initiatives for management systems and policies"
Explanation: "Implement" is more specific and formal than "launch," and "comprehensive" is a more precise adjective than "well-rounded," which is somewhat vague and informal in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the positive and negative aspects of globalization, as required by the prompt. The author discusses economic opportunities and international integration as benefits, while also highlighting increased competition and environmental degradation as drawbacks. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the "positive way" mentioned in the prompt, as it primarily focuses on the negatives in the latter half.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are balanced. This could involve dedicating equal attention to the positive impacts of globalization, perhaps by providing more specific examples or data that illustrate these benefits.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally clear position, acknowledging both sides of globalization. However, the position could be more assertively stated in the introduction and conclusion. The conclusion, in particular, seems to suggest a neutral stance rather than a definitive opinion on whether the positives outweigh the negatives or vice versa.
- How to improve: The author should state their position more clearly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the writer’s stance. Additionally, summarizing the main points that support this position in the conclusion would strengthen the overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as economic growth and environmental issues. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, while the mention of "increased competition" is relevant, it could be further developed with specific examples of industries or countries affected.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should include more detailed examples and data where possible. For instance, citing specific countries that have benefited from globalization or specific statistics on pollution levels would enhance the argument’s credibility. Additionally, expanding on the implications of the points made would provide a more thorough exploration of the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing globalization’s effects. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the mention of "nonviolent conversations" feels somewhat tangential to the main argument and could be better integrated into the discussion of globalization’s impacts.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. To maintain focus, it may be helpful to outline the main points before writing the essay, ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the central argument regarding globalization’s positive and negative effects.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments. By enhancing the balance between positive and negative aspects, clarifying the position, providing more detailed support for ideas, and maintaining focus on the prompt, the writer can improve their score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the dual nature of globalization. The body paragraphs are organized into advantages and disadvantages, which helps in logically presenting the argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses economic opportunities, followed by the second body paragraph that addresses the negative impacts. However, the transition between points could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing economic opportunities to the disadvantages of competition feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the advantages, a phrase like "Conversely" or "On the other hand" can be used to signal the shift to the disadvantages. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes its main idea can help reinforce the logical organization.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of globalization, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, some paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. For example, the first body paragraph is quite lengthy compared to the second, which may lead to an imbalance in the presentation of arguments.
- How to improve: Aim for a more uniform distribution of content across paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally cover a similar amount of information. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas. This will not only enhance readability but also allow for a more thorough exploration of each point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "another one," and "last but not least," which help in connecting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel repetitive. For instance, the phrase "another one" could be replaced with alternatives like "in addition" or "furthermore" to add variety.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore," "moreover," or "in contrast" to enhance the connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition of key terms, which can help in maintaining cohesion while keeping the writing engaging.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view of globalization. By focusing on improving logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion can be further enhanced, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of globalization. Terms such as "economic opportunities," "urbanization," and "environmental degradation" indicate an understanding of the subject matter. However, the use of phrases like "adverse disadvantages" is redundant, as "adverse" and "disadvantages" convey similar meanings. Additionally, phrases like "abundant labor resources" could be more varied; using synonyms or more specific terms could enhance the essay’s lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "advantages" and "disadvantages," they could use "benefits" and "drawbacks." Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to globalization, such as "interconnectedness" or "global integration," could enhance the richness of the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "afford for their needs" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "meet their needs." Furthermore, the term "nonviolent conversations" is somewhat vague and could be better articulated as "diplomatic discussions" or "peaceful negotiations."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should review their word choices and consider whether each term accurately conveys the intended meaning. Engaging in exercises that focus on synonyms and context-specific vocabulary can help refine their language skills. Additionally, reading academic articles on globalization can expose them to more precise terminology.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays correct spelling, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances that could be improved, such as "nonviolent" which is correct but could be hyphenated as "non-violent" depending on the style guide. The phrase "great number of forests cut down on to construct new buildings" is grammatically awkward, which may detract from clarity, though it does not directly relate to spelling.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work, possibly using tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help reinforce correct spelling.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a fair range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their Lexical Resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Because of urbanization, migrants seeking employment are abundant labor resources for corporations" effectively conveys a cause-and-effect relationship. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced, which can detract from the overall variety. For example, phrases like "Another one is to integrate with other countries" could be rephrased for more variety.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This" or "Another," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses. Additionally, varying the placement of dependent clauses can enhance the complexity and interest of your writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "this trend still has some adverse disadvantages" is redundant; "adverse" and "disadvantages" convey similar meanings. Furthermore, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, "This attracts lots of substantial investment, and stimulates the economy" could be clearer with a more precise structure.
- How to improve: Focus on refining grammatical precision by eliminating redundancy and ensuring that your sentences are concise. Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with compound sentences. Practice identifying where commas are necessary to separate clauses or items in a list. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools or peer reviews to catch errors before finalizing your essay.
By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent decades, globalization has emerged as a significant global phenomenon, bringing numerous benefits including economic growth and international integration. However, this trend also has negative consequences that should be acknowledged, particularly regarding the strain on both individuals and the environment.
The first advantage of globalization is the economic opportunities it creates. Urbanization has led to an influx of migrant workers, who serve as a valuable labor resource for corporations. This influx enhances the workforce, allowing companies to increase productivity and efficiency through technological advancements and mass production in industrial zones. This attracts substantial investment and stimulates the economy. Another benefit is the integration with other countries worldwide. By collaborating in various aspects and fostering opportunities for mutual development, relationships between nations are strengthened, expanding the trade market. For example, there has been a notable increase in the number of exportable and importable products globally, with many construction projects resulting from international cooperation. Without peaceful dialogue, however, the potential for conflict increases, which can lead to serious consequences.
On the other hand, globalization also poses several disadvantages, one of which is increased competition. Due to the accessibility and opportunities for employment, many individuals have competed for these jobs and struggled to afford their needs with decent salaries. This financial burden contributes to physical and mental health issues such as stress, depression, and anxiety disorders. Furthermore, the dense population and constant industrial activities result in high levels of pollution and noise, which can lead to health problems for residents. Additionally, the lack of sufficient housing has led to large-scale deforestation to construct new buildings, which is a major contributor to environmental degradation.
In conclusion, globalization has had various impacts on our lives and surroundings, necessitating that governments implement comprehensive initiatives for management systems and policies. This approach is essential to adapt to the changes brought about by globalization while ensuring sustainable development.
