In many countries today there are many highly qualified without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
In many countries today there are many highly qualified without employment.
What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion,
can/should be done about it?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from
your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In this era, many highly qualified people are unemployed in several nations. In this essay, I would explain the rationales that lead to this circumstance before proposing some effective solutions.
There are some major reasons that explain why many people with higher degrees or experience do not have a job. Firstly, the population is increasing significantly, which could make the opportunities for looking for a job more competitive. Secondly, highly qualified people have extremely top-notch demands including several aspects such as salary or benefits. However, most of the organizations are not willing to pay an extremely idealistic salary for such an ordinary position except for the leaders. Therefore, the companies have a tendency to employ those people who have lower requirements and demands in working.
Despite all of these reasons, there are some solutions that could be implemented to mitigate this phenomena. Experienced people could look for an occupation abroad that has an appropriate salary that matches the requirement. Or, they can reduce their standard to be well aligned with the organization's policies. In contrast, the companies should create some generous benefits for their employees, which can meet the needs of a splendid workforce. As a result, the rate of unemployed skillful workers might decrease.
In conclusion, many individuals are jobless due to several factors, might be their own issues or the company does not match their expectation. However, this could be alleviated if they amend their standards for working and the companies should apply more attractive opportunities to employ high-quality workforce.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In this era" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In this era" is somewhat vague and informal. "In contemporary society" provides a more precise and formal context, enhancing the academic tone of the essay. -
"highly qualified people are unemployed" -> "highly qualified individuals are unemployed"
Explanation: "People" is somewhat informal and general; "individuals" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"I would explain" -> "I will elucidate"
Explanation: "I would explain" is somewhat tentative and informal. "I will elucidate" is more assertive and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"the rationales that lead to this circumstance" -> "the factors contributing to this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Rationales" is less common in this context and can be unclear. "Factors contributing to this phenomenon" is more precise and widely accepted in academic discourse. -
"the population is increasing significantly" -> "the population is experiencing significant growth"
Explanation: "Increasing significantly" is a bit informal and vague. "Experiencing significant growth" is more formal and specific, enhancing clarity and precision. -
"could make the opportunities for looking for a job more competitive" -> "could render job opportunities more competitive"
Explanation: "The opportunities for looking for a job" is redundant and informal. "Job opportunities" is more concise and formal, and "render" is a more academic verb choice than "make" in this context. -
"extremely top-notch demands" -> "extremely high demands"
Explanation: "Top-notch" is an idiom and can be seen as informal. "High" is straightforward and maintains the formal tone required in academic writing. -
"an extremely idealistic salary" -> "a salary that is excessively high"
Explanation: "Extremely idealistic" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "Excessively high" is straightforward and appropriate for formal writing. -
"such an ordinary position" -> "positions of this nature"
Explanation: "Such an ordinary position" is informal and vague. "Positions of this nature" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic discourse. -
"have a tendency to employ" -> "tend to employ"
Explanation: "Have a tendency to" is verbose and slightly informal. "Tend to" is more concise and maintains the formal tone. -
"mitigate this phenomena" -> "mitigate this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Phenomena" is the plural form, but "phenomenon" is the singular form appropriate when referring to a single instance or occurrence, which is more precise in this context. -
"look for an occupation abroad" -> "seek employment opportunities abroad"
Explanation: "Look for an occupation" is informal and vague. "Seek employment opportunities" is more formal and specific, enhancing the academic tone. -
"reduce their standard to be well aligned" -> "adjust their expectations to align"
Explanation: "Reduce their standard to be well aligned" is awkward and unclear. "Adjust their expectations to align" is clearer and more direct, fitting the formal style better. -
"the companies should create some generous benefits" -> "organizations should offer generous benefits"
Explanation: "Create some" is informal and vague. "Offer" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context. -
"splendid workforce" -> "high-quality workforce"
Explanation: "Splendid" is an adjective that is too emotional and informal for academic writing. "High-quality" is neutral and appropriate for formal texts. -
"might be their own issues" -> "may be their own issues"
Explanation: "Might" is less formal than "may," which is preferred in academic writing for expressing possibility or potential. -
"the companies should apply more attractive opportunities" -> "organizations should offer more attractive opportunities"
Explanation: "Apply" is not the correct verb in this context; "offer" is the appropriate verb for providing opportunities.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively identifies relevant factors contributing to the unemployment of highly qualified individuals, such as increasing population and unrealistic salary expectations. However, while it mentions solutions, the discussion lacks depth and specificity regarding what should be done to address the issue. For instance, the suggestion for experienced individuals to seek employment abroad is valid but could be expanded with examples or further elaboration on how this could be facilitated.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the prompt is thoroughly addressed. This can be achieved by providing more detailed examples for each factor and solution discussed. For instance, including statistics on unemployment rates or specific industries affected could strengthen the argument. Additionally, discussing the role of government policies or educational institutions in addressing this issue could provide a more comprehensive view.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position regarding the causes of unemployment among highly qualified individuals and suggests potential solutions. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For example, the transition from discussing causes to solutions is somewhat abrupt, and the connection between the two could be clearer.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use transitional phrases that link the causes to the proposed solutions more effectively. For example, after discussing the causes, the writer could explicitly state how each cause leads to the proposed solutions, thereby reinforcing the overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the causes and solutions to unemployment among highly qualified individuals. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. The reasons provided are valid, but they lack depth and specific examples that could enhance the argument. For instance, mentioning specific industries where this phenomenon is prevalent or citing studies that support the claims would strengthen the essay.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing real-world examples or case studies that illustrate the issues discussed. Additionally, incorporating data or expert opinions could lend credibility to the arguments presented.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the unemployment of highly qualified individuals and the factors contributing to this issue. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly vague, particularly in the conclusion, which could lead to a lack of focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the main topic. In the conclusion, it would be beneficial to summarize the key points made in the essay more clearly, reinforcing how they relate to the prompt. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements and instead focusing on specific aspects of the discussion can help keep the essay on track.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas. By enhancing the depth of analysis, providing specific examples, and ensuring a clear connection between causes and solutions, the writer can improve the overall effectiveness of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons for unemployment, and proposed solutions. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons to solutions feels abrupt. The use of phrases like "despite all of these reasons" could be more effectively linked to the preceding content to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases that connect ideas more fluidly. For example, instead of "despite all of these reasons," you could say, "Given these challenges, it is essential to explore potential solutions." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea, which will help guide the reader through your argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with distinct sections for reasons and solutions. However, the second paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs—one focusing on reasons and the other on solutions—to improve clarity and readability. The current structure may lead to confusion as it mixes different ideas within the same paragraph.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea. For example, the first paragraph could focus solely on the reasons for unemployment, while the second could present the solutions. This separation will make it easier for the reader to follow your argument and understand the distinct points you are making.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "secondly," and "in conclusion," which help to guide the reader. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "However, most of the organizations are not willing to pay" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between the competitive job market and salary expectations.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "consequently," and "on the other hand." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, consider using synonyms or rephrasing to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "highly qualified," "unemployed," and "effective solutions." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "highly qualified people" and "extremely idealistic salary," which could be varied for greater impact. For instance, instead of repeating "highly qualified," synonyms such as "well-educated" or "skilled professionals" could be employed to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. Additionally, using more specific vocabulary related to the job market, such as "job seekers," "employment opportunities," or "salary expectations," would enrich the text. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to employment could provide useful alternatives.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "extremely top-notch demands" and "ordinary position." The phrase "extremely idealistic salary" is also vague and could lead to confusion about the intended meaning. The term "phenomena" is used incorrectly; the singular form "phenomenon" should be employed when referring to a singular situation.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of "top-notch demands," they could specify "high salary expectations" or "competitive benefits." Furthermore, ensuring grammatical accuracy in terms of singular and plural forms will improve clarity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "phenomena," which should be "phenomenon." The phrase "the companies should apply more attractive opportunities" could also be misinterpreted; "offer" might be a more appropriate verb than "apply" in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing the correct forms of vocabulary used in context can help solidify spelling skills. Reading extensively can also improve familiarity with correct spelling through exposure.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and ensuring spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences like "Despite all of these reasons, there are some solutions that could be implemented to mitigate this phenomena" showcases the ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "there are" or "many," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting with "There are some major reasons," you could rephrase it to "One significant reason is that the population is increasing significantly." Additionally, incorporating more compound and complex sentences can enhance the overall flow and sophistication of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "this phenomena" should be corrected to "this phenomenon" as "phenomena" is the plural form. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; for example, "However, most of the organizations are not willing to pay an extremely idealistic salary for such an ordinary position except for the leaders" could benefit from a comma before "except" to improve readability.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and singular/plural forms. Regularly reviewing common grammatical rules can help solidify these concepts. For punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and to clarify meaning, especially in longer sentences. Reading essays aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentences may be overly complex.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, many highly qualified individuals are unemployed in several nations. In this essay, I will elucidate the factors contributing to this phenomenon before proposing some effective solutions.
There are several major reasons that explain why many people with higher degrees or extensive experience do not have jobs. Firstly, the population is experiencing significant growth, which could render job opportunities more competitive. Secondly, highly qualified individuals often have extremely high demands regarding various aspects such as salary and benefits. However, most organizations are not willing to offer a salary that is excessively high for what they consider ordinary positions, except for leadership roles. Consequently, companies tend to employ those candidates who have lower requirements and demands.
Despite these challenges, there are solutions that could be implemented to mitigate this phenomenon. Experienced individuals could seek employment opportunities abroad that offer appropriate salaries aligned with their qualifications. Alternatively, they can adjust their expectations to better align with the policies of potential employers. In contrast, organizations should offer more attractive opportunities and generous benefits to meet the needs of a high-quality workforce. As a result, the rate of unemployed skilled workers might decrease.
In conclusion, many individuals are jobless due to various factors, which may include their own issues or the mismatch between their expectations and what companies can provide. However, this situation could be alleviated if they amend their standards for employment and if organizations create more appealing opportunities to attract and retain a high-quality workforce.
