The graph below gives information about the preferred leisure activities of Australian children. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown. Write at least 150 words.

The graph below gives information about the preferred leisure activities of Australian children.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown.
Write at least 150 words.

Firstly, the number of boys who skateboard or rollerblad is about 40% and twice the number of girls is more than 20%. When it comes to cycling, the ratio is higher. Boys account for nearly 80% and girls account for nearly 60%. At the age of 5-14, we see that watching TV accounts for the highest percentage. It accounts for 100% in both boys and girls. The second high rate is electronic and computer games, the boys account for over 80% and the girls is 60%. Finally is art and craft. It shows dexterity so the ratio of girls are nearly 60% as twice as the boys are over 30%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "the number of boys who skateboard or rollerblad is about 40%" -> "approximately 40% of boys engage in skateboarding or rollerblading"
   Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise than "about," and "engage in" is a more formal expression than "who skateboard or rollerblad." Additionally, "rollerblading" is the correct spelling.

2. "twice the number of girls is more than 20%" -> "the number of girls is less than 20%, which is half that of boys"
   Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkwardly structured. This revision clarifies the comparison and maintains a formal tone.

3. "the ratio is higher" -> "the ratio is greater"
   Explanation: "Greater" is a more precise term in academic writing when comparing numerical values.

4. "Boys account for nearly 80% and girls account for nearly 60%" -> "Boys represent nearly 80%, while girls represent approximately 60%"
   Explanation: "Represent" is a more formal term than "account for," and using "while" improves the flow of the sentence.

5. "At the age of 5-14" -> "Among individuals aged 5 to 14"
   Explanation: "Among individuals aged" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the age group.

6. "It accounts for 100% in both boys and girls" -> "This activity accounts for 100% participation among both boys and girls"
   Explanation: Specifying "participation" clarifies the context, and the phrase "among both" is more formal than "in both."

7. "the second high rate is electronic and computer games" -> "the second highest rate pertains to electronic and computer games"
   Explanation: "Highest" is the correct superlative form, and "pertains to" is a more formal expression than "is."

8. "the boys account for over 80% and the girls is 60%" -> "boys account for over 80%, while girls account for 60%"
   Explanation: The phrase "the girls is" is grammatically incorrect; "girls account for" maintains parallel structure and clarity.

9. "Finally is art and craft" -> "Finally, art and craft activities"
   Explanation: Adding "activities" clarifies the subject and improves the grammatical structure.

10. "It shows dexterity so the ratio of girls are nearly 60% as twice as the boys are over 30%" -> "This activity demonstrates dexterity, with the ratio of girls at nearly 60%, which is twice that of boys, who are over 30%"
    Explanation: "Demonstrates" is a more formal term than "shows," and restructuring the sentence improves clarity and grammatical accuracy.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay provides a general overview of the information presented in the graph, but it lacks a clear and concise overview of the main trends. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as stating that the number of boys who skateboard or rollerblade is about 40% when the graph shows it is closer to 50%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data, such as the fact that watching TV is the most popular leisure activity for both boys and girls, and that boys are more likely to engage in activities such as skateboarding, rollerblading, and cycling, while girls are more likely to engage in activities such as art and craft. The essay could also be improved by providing more accurate information about the data presented in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of clear overall progression. While it attempts to convey data about leisure activities, the connections between ideas are not always logical or clearly articulated. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to a somewhat repetitive narrative. The paragraphing is not effectively utilized, as the essay does not clearly separate different ideas or themes, making it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of information.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information by grouping related activities together and using clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Additionally, employing a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and ensuring that references are clear will help improve the overall flow. Finally, ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct focus will aid in creating a more structured and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys some relevant information about the leisure activities of Australian children, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and grammatical structure, such as "the girls is 60%" instead of "the girls are 60%," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the second high rate" is awkward and could be expressed more naturally. Overall, the lexical resource does not show sufficient flexibility or precision, which limits the clarity and effectiveness of the communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items and more precise expressions. They should also focus on improving grammatical accuracy and avoiding repetitive phrases. Practicing synonyms and varying sentence structures can help convey information more effectively and naturally. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will improve overall clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect subject-verb agreement ("the girls is 60%" should be "the girls are 60%") and awkward phrasing ("the ratio of girls are nearly 60% as twice as the boys are over 30%"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Additionally, punctuation issues are present, which further detracts from the overall clarity of the report. While the essay does convey some relevant information, the grammatical inaccuracies and limited range of structures indicate that it falls within the Band 5 criteria.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their grammatical range by incorporating more complex sentence structures and ensuring that subject-verb agreement is consistently correct. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission can enhance clarity and coherence. Practicing the use of varied sentence forms and ensuring that each sentence is grammatically sound will also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion.

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