Bar Graph The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Bar Graph

The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students learning to play four categories of musical tools in 2005, 2010 and 2015.

Overall, while the percentage of children playing the Piano and the Guitar were witnessed an upward trend from 2005 to 2015, the figure for both Drums and Violin slightly decreased in the period of 10 years. Moreover, the former dominated over the latter in terms of the percentage of players.

Looking first at the Guitar, An significant increase from nearly 11% to approximately 20% was recorded in the rate of children who played this tool from 2005 to 2010 and then reaching a peak at roughly 39% in the next five years. Besides, The proportion of Pianists had a similar trend compared to the mentioned one because the gap widened between piano and guitar was around 1% difference.

Conversely, the popularity of the Drums were the lowest, which have only 4% of players who learned this musical instrument in 2005 which was 5% lower than the figure for the Violin and both of them remained unchanged in 2010 before permuting their ranks for each other in the final year.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
   Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in this context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "proportion of students learning to play four categories of musical tools" -> "percentage of students learning four categories of musical instruments"
   Explanation: "Percentage" is more appropriate than "proportion" in this context, and "musical instruments" is the correct term compared to "musical tools," which is less commonly used and sounds less formal.

3. "witnessed an upward trend" -> "experienced an upward trend"
   Explanation: "Experienced" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe changes over time, making it more suitable than "witnessed," which is less typical in this context.

4. "the figure for both Drums and Violin" -> "the figures for both the Drums and the Violin"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "Drums" and "Violin" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains parallelism with "the Piano and the Guitar."

5. "An significant increase" -> "a significant increase"
   Explanation: "A" should be used instead of "An" before "significant" since "significant" starts with a consonant sound, not a vowel.

6. "nearly 11%" -> "approximately 11%"
   Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise and formal than "nearly" in academic writing.

7. "The proportion of Pianists" -> "The proportion of pianists"
   Explanation: "Pianists" should not be capitalized unless it is the title of a specific group or organization.

8. "The popularity of the Drums were the lowest" -> "The popularity of the Drums was the lowest"
   Explanation: "Was" is the correct verb form to match the singular subject "popularity."

9. "which have only 4% of players" -> "which had only 4% of players"
   Explanation: "Had" is the correct past tense to describe the condition at a specific point in the past, improving the grammatical accuracy.

10. "permuting their ranks for each other" -> "exchanged their rankings"
    Explanation: "Exchanged their rankings" is more precise and formal than "permuting their ranks," which is awkward and less commonly used.

11. "The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
    Explanation: This change is consistent with the earlier correction, maintaining consistency in terminology throughout the essay.

These revisions enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the academic language used in the essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the bar chart, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents an overview with information appropriately selected, but the details are not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of children playing the Guitar increased from nearly 11% to approximately 20% from 2005 to 2010, but the chart shows that the percentage increased from approximately 11% to approximately 19%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate details and by making more comparisons between the different instruments. For example, the essay could compare the percentage of children playing the Piano and the Guitar in 2005, 2010, and 2015. The essay could also compare the percentage of children playing the Drums and the Violin in 2005, 2010, and 2015.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information with a clear overall progression. The main features of the bar chart are summarized, and comparisons are made between the different musical instruments. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that disrupt the flow, such as "the percentage of children playing the Piano and the Guitar were witnessed an upward trend," which detracts from clarity. The use of cohesive devices is evident, but there are moments where they feel mechanical or misused, such as "the figure for both Drums and Violin slightly decreased." Additionally, paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical organization.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on refining sentence structure and ensuring grammatical accuracy. Use a variety of cohesive devices more naturally to connect ideas, and ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Consider improving the logical flow of information by clearly delineating comparisons and trends, and ensure that paragraphing is used effectively to separate distinct ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "proportion," "upward trend," and "dominated." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "musical tools" instead of "musical instruments" and "the popularity of the Drums were the lowest" instead of "the popularity of the Drums was the lowest." There are also some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "An significant increase" (should be "A significant increase") and "permuting their ranks for each other" (which is awkwardly phrased). These errors do not severely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and appropriate vocabulary, ensuring correct collocations and phrases. Additionally, minimizing grammatical errors and improving word formation will contribute to a clearer expression of ideas. Expanding the use of less common lexical items while maintaining accuracy will also help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the accuracy of these attempts is inconsistent. Errors in grammar and punctuation are present, such as "An significant increase" (should be "A significant increase") and "the popularity of the Drums were the lowest" (should be "the popularity of the Drums was the lowest"). These errors occasionally impede clarity but do not severely hinder communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Additionally, increasing the variety of sentence structures and reducing the frequency of errors will improve the overall grammatical range and accuracy. Incorporating more complex sentences with correct punctuation will also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students learning to play four categories of musical instruments in 2005, 2010, and 2015.

Overall, while the percentage of children playing the Piano and the Guitar witnessed an upward trend from 2005 to 2015, the figures for both Drums and Violin slightly decreased over the ten-year period. Moreover, the former dominated the latter in terms of the percentage of players.

Looking first at the Guitar, a significant increase from nearly 11% to approximately 20% was recorded in the rate of children who played this instrument from 2005 to 2010, before reaching a peak of roughly 39% in the following five years. Additionally, the proportion of Pianists exhibited a similar trend, with the gap between Piano and Guitar being around 1% difference.

Conversely, the popularity of the Drums was the lowest, with only 4% of players learning this musical instrument in 2005, which was 5% lower than the figure for the Violin. Both instruments remained unchanged in 2010 before swapping their ranks in the final year.